Family court / Cafcass looking for some advice please.

[Newmum1998x]

Hi,

I’m hoping someone can give me some good advice / guidance on how the family law process please. So quick run down I had a baby boy at the beginning of August and my ex dumped me at 6 months pregnant (early May). I told him due to his lack of support, abuse etc to go via the courts for access as I cannot trust him. I did ask him in June how he would support our son prior to his birth and after but got no response. He’s a completely different person to the man I knew and is so cold and distant. Well he’s now gone to court and I am somewhat glad he’s making an effort for our son IF he sticks with it. Cafcass have been in touch to confirm my details and that’s all so far.

I am not breastfeeding as I struggled with this and my ex is not on our son’s birth certificate, was not allowed at the birth and he has my last name. I’m frightened that my ex will be able to take my son away from me with 50/50 custody. Does anyone know the process and how long this takes please? I will list a few issues / safeguarding concerns below.

— Asked me to leave with no notice at 6 months pregnant in my pyjamas on a Wednesday night at 9pm. Told me to pack a bag and come back for the rest. He had taken my keys off me and removed me from the shared CCTV / apps. Keeping in mind he knew I didn’t have a bed to sleep in at my mother’s house and he made me leave anyways.
— His decision was not impulsive but deliberate as he discussed our relationship with his mother and sister but nothing with me. We were together 4 and a half years and lived together for over 2+ (he’s actually just sold his house).
— His dad is a fully blown alcoholic and his mother is not much better so I’m very conscious of leaving my son alone with them.

I understand that our relationship which is still a shock / traumatic is irrelevant to the courts regarding the wellbeing of our son. I am hoping to start counselling / therapy soon but it’s very hard raising a newborn alone. I do not trust him or his family who enabled his behaviour. He is 31 years old so there is no excuse and I am 27 years old. He is a very selfish and an immature man child and I would never get back with him but it’s important to me that I let him at least try and make an effort with our son. I have remained respectful and there has been no shouting or arguments because at the end of the day he made his choice. He stepped away when we needed him so that’s why I need boundaries and consistency via the courts. Child maintenance is also via the services but this does not start until the 1st November so I am paying for everything alone so far.

I did not push my ex away he just refused to step up when needed. It’s not punishment but actions speak louder than words. There was no attempt to try and work on our relationship which I didn’t know had problems. His excuse was he no longer loved me, accordingly made each other unhappy and it hadn’t been working for a while. It was his choice to leave at such a vulnerable time of my life and he has been blocked on my phone.

Thank you in advance x

Op I hope it works out ok. He will get very limited access as the baby is so young and needs to be with you. If he is requesting PR you can ask he does a DNA test. Well done for being so strong and not allowing him at the birth as you couldn’t have an abusive asshole there. Stay strong x

Thats correct, he hasn’t paid maintenance and I raised this with the CMS which commences the 1st November. I did ask if this could be backdated since I raised this 24 hours after my son was born so the 7th August but they said it couldn’t be. I haven’t a clue what he wants but I don’t care either it’s about my son only. I can’t communicate with someone who outright refused to communicate or talk to me whilst going through pregnancy unsupported. It’s terrible behaviour and not something a mature man in his 30s would do

I didn’t say only physical abuse mattered. I was asking what the abuse was and if you reported to any services at the time.

Thank you for your lovely message x

As far as I am aware he hasn’t applied for PR but his court form says he has it as filled in by his solicitor. I did reiterate this to my solicitor that’s it’s incorrect. Could I ask why a DNA test?

Are you drunk??

Contact isnt decided on whether someone has paid maintenance or not

Sorry I didn’t mean to come across so abrupt. I’m just so sick of reading things where people say only physical or sexual abuse matters and it makes me feel like shit. Like what I went through doesn’t matter but my GP has noted this and he admitted to kicking me out with no notice and no bed to sleep in

No but I'm beginning to wish I was

Read the full thread.

I'm away to get drunk, I'll leave the advice in everyone else's capable hands 😬

Thank you, I just don’t want him thinking he can come back like what he did didn’t happen. I’m managed this far without him but he won’t be getting 50/50 or overnight stays that quick. I’m just worried my first hearing will be quick and then he gets access asap. I wonder how long it will take roughly?

There’s no point messing around with DNA tests if you are both 100% sure that he is the father and no one is disputing that. It’s a waste of time and money and one of you will end up paying for it.

Without a doubt he is the father, there hasn’t been anyone else so thank you.

Will I be treated badly for not allowing access following my son’s birth? I told him if he wanted access it would need to be formal via the courts due to his behaviour.

No you wont. You just be clear about your position which is that you asked that he seek formal access due to his history of abuse, that you were unable to negotiate and mediate with him due to that and now he has, you will engage with that process but you're not going to put yourself at risk. (courts dont like that parents wont or cant come to agreements without having courts do the work so to speak, but you have a reason for that)

This will be my last post, unfortunately the hysterical people are more interested in picking my posts to pieces rather than help you. While you won't be treated badly, a court will likely see it as just another typical fallout of parents and the child is in the middle of it all again so both you and your ex will likely be asked to either communicate or go through mediation. His actions will be irrelevant to the court unless they were violent or sexual so you really will have to get around that, the quicker you do, the quicker you'll move on, this is what court is like, it is impersonal and cold. If he is determined to gain access, don't fight it, but don't roll over either, if it's unreasonable, explain why to the court but ultimately they will have the last word and if you are seen as being reasonable and encouraging of contact if the child has been happy enough with your ex partner, things should progress well and everyone will be able to move forward, including your child.

Mediation is not usually recommended in cases where abuse is involved. This applies to cases of psychological abuse (as described by OP) as well as the more obvious physical abuse.

Respectfully even though he was not supportive you almost need to treat anything concerning your son as a clean sweep from now.

By that i mean his lack of pregnancy support, maintenance etc is inconsequential with regard to moving forward with contact and communication. Put it in a formal setting and get advice by all means but it’s about moving forward.

If not being a dick and paying what they should pay was a precursor then lots of access wouldn’t happen.
I say all this from personal experience!

As far as a court is concerned, the abuse is only alleged, unless there is proof to the contrary.
(Damn! I said my last post was my last post !!)

There's no need for a DNA test if you both acknowledge he's the father. He can get a declaration of parentage that will confer PR.

I can definitely prove this financially and health wise from my GP. I do have messages of me asking for support and him not responding. It shouldn’t be down to me to make me tell him to ask how much his son weighed etc after birth. Then to get the response of I didn’t know how you’d react. Or how it kills him to miss his birth and first milestones but he chose this with his choices he made.

No not treated badly - but as PP says without any evidence the court won't just accept your account that he was abusive and assume it's truth, and they will expect you to be amenable to him spending time with the baby and consider practical and realistic ways this could happen. Don't be passive and wait for the court to order arrangements. If I were your friend I would have recommended you to do this when the baby was born rather than tell him to go to court. Getting in the arena of the family court system should be avoided if at all possible, but it's done now.

This is absolutely correct in my experience.

Thank you and yes I do understand I do want my son to be the main priority here.

I still cannot believe someone could do this whilst pregnant to me. You never think it would ever happen to you until it does. Not that I would trust my ex again given his constant lies and behaviour.

UK courts favour shared care - even if the father is mentally ill, an alcoholic or difficult. That was my experience.If he really pushes for it, your child won’t have to be very old before he could get 50-50. He is likely to have people egging him on in the background to push for that.

Right now your best bet is that he finds it all a bit too difficult. But as my own solicitor said when I was going through this, ‘you wait until the child is about two years old and they start saying Daddy and then suddenly his ego will take over and he will want time’.

It is very difficult at times being a single mum and if you can find a way to respectfully get on, regardless of everything that went on, you will come to enjoy the time you do have away from your child.

Courts won’t care anything about your relationship and they will not care anything about accusations unless there is a smoking gun level of proof. They want everything to be child centred and that is how you have to proceed. In your thinking, what you agree to etc.