Family court / Cafcass looking for some advice please.

[Newmum1998x]

Hi,

I’m hoping someone can give me some good advice / guidance on how the family law process please. So quick run down I had a baby boy at the beginning of August and my ex dumped me at 6 months pregnant (early May). I told him due to his lack of support, abuse etc to go via the courts for access as I cannot trust him. I did ask him in June how he would support our son prior to his birth and after but got no response. He’s a completely different person to the man I knew and is so cold and distant. Well he’s now gone to court and I am somewhat glad he’s making an effort for our son IF he sticks with it. Cafcass have been in touch to confirm my details and that’s all so far.

I am not breastfeeding as I struggled with this and my ex is not on our son’s birth certificate, was not allowed at the birth and he has my last name. I’m frightened that my ex will be able to take my son away from me with 50/50 custody. Does anyone know the process and how long this takes please? I will list a few issues / safeguarding concerns below.

— Asked me to leave with no notice at 6 months pregnant in my pyjamas on a Wednesday night at 9pm. Told me to pack a bag and come back for the rest. He had taken my keys off me and removed me from the shared CCTV / apps. Keeping in mind he knew I didn’t have a bed to sleep in at my mother’s house and he made me leave anyways.
— His decision was not impulsive but deliberate as he discussed our relationship with his mother and sister but nothing with me. We were together 4 and a half years and lived together for over 2+ (he’s actually just sold his house).
— His dad is a fully blown alcoholic and his mother is not much better so I’m very conscious of leaving my son alone with them.

I understand that our relationship which is still a shock / traumatic is irrelevant to the courts regarding the wellbeing of our son. I am hoping to start counselling / therapy soon but it’s very hard raising a newborn alone. I do not trust him or his family who enabled his behaviour. He is 31 years old so there is no excuse and I am 27 years old. He is a very selfish and an immature man child and I would never get back with him but it’s important to me that I let him at least try and make an effort with our son. I have remained respectful and there has been no shouting or arguments because at the end of the day he made his choice. He stepped away when we needed him so that’s why I need boundaries and consistency via the courts. Child maintenance is also via the services but this does not start until the 1st November so I am paying for everything alone so far.

I did not push my ex away he just refused to step up when needed. It’s not punishment but actions speak louder than words. There was no attempt to try and work on our relationship which I didn’t know had problems. His excuse was he no longer loved me, accordingly made each other unhappy and it hadn’t been working for a while. It was his choice to leave at such a vulnerable time of my life and he has been blocked on my phone.

Thank you in advance x

Don't let the responses here scare you.
As a victim of abuse, you do not have to attend mediation. If you decide to, it can be shuttle mediation so you do not have to be in the same room as in (physical or online).
it's not "likely" the court will give 50/50- it's based on an assessment of what is best for the child.
court will take a while. Although it's horrible to have hanging over you, every week is another week older your DC gets.
If your DC can have a loving, consistent dad in their life then that is great for DC. It's also great dad will be taking at least some financial responsibility from Nov.
wishing you all the best

Again, unfortunately, none of this will be of interest to the courts. If he turns his back on you and walks away, it's not abuse. It's poor from him, that's for sure, but it's not abuse.

As for the Dr.s, again, it depends what is on any such letter from a Dr but be careful with that, it will not strengthen your case against your ex, it will only highlight the emotional and physiological distress it has imposed on you, and that is potentially something his solicitors could use against you.

Thank you - I haven’t stopped access and my son should know his father but not when it won’t be safe, consistent and around him. My ex will make it around his hobbies such as football matches.

I feel like I’ve messed up even though he did abuse me, my GP and mental health nurse have recorded it. I understand the court won’t care about our relationship but I also don’t want them to uncut the harm he has done.

It sounds silly really but I want him to know he has harmed and hurt me in more ways than one. I would never ever get back with him. At the same time I’m moving back to around where he lives and I don’t want to be afraid or scared of seeing him or his family when out. I feel so ashamed with what’s happened and I know I shouldn’t but I do. I don’t believe I’ve done anything wrong but outside opinions really do matter to me x

The only thing that matters is you, your child and your responsibility to that child. Part of that responsibility is to allow the child to know his father, irrespective of how he has treated you till now (with the obvious exception of certain situations). I know it's hard, I'd likely think the same way if it were me, but it's about being the best person for your child you can be, and even if you do go with this and allow him to see his child and it all goes wrong, you've still done what is deemed the best thing for your child.

Hopefully, if it all goes the other way and is a great success, take pleasure in knowing you were the bigger person for your child and they will thank you one day, hopefully everyone will.

Above all, please make sure you co-operate with the court whatever happens, the courts take a very dim view of parents who don't co-operate, and if your ex screws it up, the court will be all over him.

Thank you, I would 100% cooperate with the courts. I’m very much a fair easy going person I just want to make sure my son has the best in life.

I’m so worried that I’ll never find someone else in the future because this has affected me so much. To do this whilst I thought we were building a life and future together I’m not sure I’ll trust anyone ever again

You will, believe me, people go through so much behind closed doors. My own daughter was in much a similar position to yourself, although for some reason her ex partner didn't believe he was the father even though my daughter hadn't been with anyone else and she had much the same issues as you've experienced. She decided not to pursue it as he made it perfectly clear he wanted nothing to do with her or the her child. That was 8 years ago, and she now has a wonderful partner across our border in the UK who took on our grandson as his own, he's a firefighter and our grandson loves him to pieces. There is always sun behind the cloud, keep believing it.

No.

That’s lovely to hear thank you for that.

I am also from the UK so here’s to hoping x

If you can, try to drop this thinking.

Abusive men really don’t care that they hurt you - this shows (in their minds) that you are obsessed with them or mental or to be laughed at.

His family should be ashamed, so the sooner you learn to show them haughty contempt, the easier your life will be.

Thanks - his family enabled his behaviour so they’re all the same.

Its just hard to move on right now, so much time spent together, a baby and the hormones / emotions I’m going through even 5 months later.

He almost certainly will have told people/his family a different version of events to what you experienced. I can't imagine that he would have confessed to throwing you out in the middle of the middle of the night in you night clothes with no notice at 6 months pregnant.

He will have told them you were cheating, or left him taking 'his' baby, you were crazy, the child might not be his etc. If you see/meet anyone he knows, be prepared for this narrative and how they might treat you. It's especially important if you end up using his family as a third party for contact arrangements that they may not think well of you and be saying things behind your back.

With your history of DV with him i would request supervised visitation. either at a contact center or with an independent thrid party who you trust.

I wouldn't invite him to visit the baby at home with you there.

For any future court case I would also push the above point. You are happy to facilitate age appropriate contact with the baby but because of your history it isnt appropriate or fair to host him yourself and this has contributed to why you have refused contact. you don't want to see him, you don't trust him, you don't want him in your home etc. There has also been considerable difficulty in contacting him and he has shown no interest in the child.

Does your ex know about you CMS application? Has he only threatened court since he found out about that? If so it wont look good in court that he has ignored you and his child and now only wants contact after being forced to pay up, it will appear that he only wants to reduce the payments.

I’ve seen his sister on two occasions so I doubt he told her anything different but his family will always side with him. His sister told me he wasn’t ready for commitment after nearly 5 years there, living together for a few years and a baby on the way. Although unplanned he didn’t use protection so it was reckless behaviour. It’s a complete deflection of him and how he feels trying to make it seem like a mutual breakup. You don’t do what he does let alone whilst pregnant without a single conversation. He won’t grow up or change, even a pregnancy couldn’t make him step up when needed.

I mentioned visitation with my solicitor and she said I had to put my feelings aside and realise that my son needs to have someone around him who knows his needs as well as my ex being present to bond with him. In other words I must be there when he is with our son not at a contact centre. I don’t want to make myself look difficult but at the same time I want as little contact with him as possible. He will not be welcome in my home once I move. I will take your advice on board about being willing to facilitate contact but not at my house, me present and the fact I don’t trust him hence the need for court.

My ex originally thought we could agree on an amount but said no because he couldn’t communicate with me in a relationship so he defiantly won’t outside of it. He does know about the CMS application as he’s already agreed the payment plan with them. It’s a bit of both he tried mediation and I declined and same time CMS contact him he raised the C100 form via his solicitor.

I just feel so shit about how he has made me feel. I’m on antidepressants because of how low I feel but it’s nothing to do with my son it’s my ex and his actions.

The biggest issue you have here isn't your ex, it's you, and I mean that with all due sensitivity and respect. You cannot change the past, and you cannot change how someone is, you can however, change how it affects you and that is how you need to focus from herein.

Personally I'd recommend some form of counselling or therapy in your local area, not all these services are readily available or even any good to be honest, but they can often be a start as I've seen in the past that revelations are often revealed at a much more advanced stage in therapy and it turns out the revelations were completely separate to the issue they asked for help for in the first place !.

Start with your doctor, and don't dismiss any form of counselling help or advice, often you have to go through a few "counsellors" or "advisers" to get to the people that can actually really help, but it's worth it and can be journey of self discovery and learning how to repair yourself to be a stronger and more confident person.

I think this will always affect me, it’s been traumatic. You are right in saying I can’t change the past so I need to move forwards. Not just for me but also for my son and that’s what I am trying to do.

I am undergoing counselling, I’ve only had one session and my second in less than three weeks time. Seems to be going ok just hard. I think it stems from the feeling of not being good enough if someone can leave me after years together and living together whilst 6 months pregnant. I have no trust, self esteem and confidence right now. I’m trying to go out and meet other mums but they don’t understand when they have happy families.

Life can be hard sometimes, everyone at some point goes through their own hard times. CBT is often a good therapy to help retrain your brain how to deal with certain situations and low moods. It's most helpful when practised with a professional but have a look at the following link and it may provide at least some insight if CBT was something of interest, there are a lot of self help books on the subject also: https://www.nhs.uk/every-mind-matters/mental-wellbeing-tips/self-help-cbt-techniques/

The biggest issue is not OP by a long stretch, it's the deadweight ex. Please stand your ground on no direct contact and no in-person mediation.
Contact your GP and mental health services for corroboration of the abuse you suffered.
The sting of child maintenance invariably prompts the feckless to attempt 50:50 care. Make sure the courts are aware of the timing of ex's court application.

Posts like this are not helpful. The court has it's own ideas of what it expects from both parents, as well as it's own tolerance on what it will and will not accept as evidence against a parent when considering it's decisions, nothing the OP has posted would make the courts decision different from most cases therefore you are merely building the OP up to an expectation which will be completely torn to pieces by a court and solicitor.

The purpose of making it about the OP is so she is able to stop allowing her ex to control her feelings, if we make it about the ex like you are trying to do, nothing gets fixed and she continues to be at his mercy as he controls how she feels. Attempting to be vindictive against someone who will ultimately walk away with similar rights to you only serves to cause frustrations between you, them and your children, directly or indirectly, and should her ex present such evidence in court during the order it would be far from useful for her.