Worst day with 6yo and behaviour

[OrangeYellowCup]

I just need some guidance after being snappy and angry with my DS all day who has been acting up. he just doesn't listen to me and acts up a lot, especially since the summer, and I don't know how to get him to stop. He is also quite rude and I can't seem to nip it in the bud. I'm just not enjoying being around him at the moment.

so today, I took my 6yo DS and 4yo DD to see grandparents today. I gave them a choice to go by car or train and they both chose train. As we were getting ready to leave, the 6yo insisted on taking a suitcase with him. I explained we didn't need to take a suitcase (cabin size) as we were only going for the day, the trains would be busy and I couldn't help him carry it if he got tired as I am 30 weeks pregnant and quite big. Queue the crying, anger hitting, calling me an idiot etc. all over a suitcase. I said he could take a backpack and suitcases were for holidays etc.

He was absolutely kicking off and, in my tiredness and haste to get out of the house, I said he could take it but if he couldn't wheel it everywhere and got tired we would leave it behind as I wouldn't carry it.

trains only go every 30 mins and it takes 2hrs to get there and I didn't want to miss the next train so I foolishly let him take it.

we missed our train because of this bloody suitcase. I got very cross and blamed him and said it was his fault we were late and I told him I was very cross with him. I was so angry I could barely look at him but I know this was my second mistake. He's only 6, I'm the adult and shouldn't have let him take it in the first place. My dad was like this with me and I don't have a great relationship with him now.

the rest of the day I spent telling him not to wheel it into people (he wasn't looking where he was going) not to rush around etc. on the train back he was being loud and noisy, and making unnecessary comments about how people look which I was very surprised about and I told him quite harshly to stop talking.

I feel like I've ruined what was supposed to be a good day. He was subdued at my parents house. I don't know where this behaviour is coming from but it must be me.

we Don't talk negatively about people's appearances at home at all and this behaviour really shocked and embarrassed me.

DH was away today visiting a sick relative but was back when we got home and DS kept saying he's a bad kid, mummy is very angry and he also keeps hitting himself on the head.

He's been addicted to Minecraft since the summer but we only let him play on weekends but his behaviour is so bad I might ban it full stop. I don't know how else to address this. I really don't want him to hate me but this day is going to be a core memory isn't it.

Thank you for reading if you get this far.

I just want to add I'm totally ashamed of how I behaved today. My patience is very limited at the moment and being pregnant doesn't help.

Are you supervising Minecraft? who's he talking to on it?

Yes it is on creative and peaceful mode and I set it up so he can't talk to anyone on it but he had a friend round yesterday who showed him how to go on survival mode which really annoyed me as that's not what we agreed. I think on that basis we need to go cold turkey with screens including tv.

Hi. My daughter used to make unreasonable demands as a way to cause trouble - usually because she was anxious about something and the resulting row with me would be a way to get her feelings out.

Is there any chance this was your son's plan with asking for something impractical like this?

You were tired and grumpy. The kids will also be tired at this point of a few weeks into term. I think it was a mistake to attempt this journey if you weren’t up to it.

I think before you start banning minecraft I would set clear limits around it, make sure you give him a count down timer eg 10 mins left, then 5 mins and then last turn to finish off what your doing. Then you need to focus on your own emotional regulation, you can’t help him control his emotions if you can’t control yours. It sounds like palying up was how he was getting attention from you. Keep trips out simple, leave plenty of time to get places and focus on making connections.

Why the suitcase? What was in it? Did it remind him of going on a holiday?

I guess the worst thing was giving in but taking 2 small kids on a 2 hour train journey alone while heavily pregnant - that's not easy. Cut yourself some slack.

You should 100% have travelled by car.

Well it’s a bit late for that now 🤣

Honestly I think he’s way too young to be playing computer games. But I think that might be a battle for another time.

I’d chalk this one up to a bad day and give him a big cuddle in the morning. What would be a core memory about it? He is only 6 yes but he shouldn’t be kicking off at you like that. Worth reassessing some boundaries with him as he’s obviously acting up. But I think you’re putting too much blame on yourself!

I think you're being very tough on yourself. The day didn't go well, but instead of thinking of it like that, you're telling yourself you're like your dad and you ruined the day. I know this gets said a lot on here, but if your friend told you that she'd had this sort of day, what would you say to her? Guessing you'd have a lot more compassion in the response. Can you use a bit of that for yourself.

Tomorrow is a new day, and a chance to model to the kids that things go wrong, we get cross, but we can get past it. In relationships there's rupture and repair. I'm guessing your dad didn't do much repairing. Hope tomorrow is an easier day for you.

Also, someone once said to me that you have to find their currency. Your DS's currency is Minecraft, so make him earn it. Good behaviour earns him minecraft time. Work it to your advantage.

Try to have some sort of reset conversation with him, explain that you were frustrated and should have regulated yourself. Ask him how he felt today, I’m sure he’ll have some insights and maybe you’ll find out what was going on.

he’s little, dealing with a heavily pregnant mum, knowing life is going to change, dad wasn’t around and he’s probably knackered. You expected too much from him and yourself.

With the suitcase, next time absolutely no, but conversation first, why does he want to take it, what does he think will happen, can he understand why it isn’t appropriate? Spend a minute having a chat and then set out the expectation and what is going to happen. Acknowledge the request, talk about it a little and then move it on.

You're bigger, stronger and can actually prevent a 6 year old from doing silly things. Sometimes "no" is the entire reason, and that should be enough. Long explanations don't work on some children, as they're not quite rational people yet. By giving in to your son you basically ruined everyone's day out. Just think how much easier it would have been if you had just plonked him outside the front door, locked it, and set off with your kids to to the train.
IMO minecraft and screens in general are not good for small kids, they overstimulate the reward and frustration bits of the brain.

I've just started reading No Drama Discipline by Dan Seigel and Tayna Payne Bryson. It was recommended on another thread a while ago, but only now I've picked it up. I'm only on the introduction but so far it looks extremely promising and I'm nodding along to their ideas. It might ring bells for you too, OP.

I would just stick to car travel but with things like the suitcase ask him to swap it for a smaller back pack or similar. Compromise often works. Or failing that outright bribery. My youngest will do almost anything for sweets and it’s very useful

You are pregnant and tired - it is allowed!

I think the biggest problem is that you caved in over the blessed suitcase in response to a tantrum - from which he learns that this is how to get his own way!!!

Also you gave them a choice of train or car - just tell 'em next time! You would have been in a right pickle if they had not agreed - cue more tantrums!

Clear parameters help: today we are going by car to grandma's - or whatever. No ifs, no buts, that is what we are doing.

I am sorry you have had a such a rubbish day - it will not be the last! - but there will be good days in between ......

It’s only my opinion but your initial mistake was giving in on the suitcase. You’d already said no (and given in necessary explanation but fair enough if you wanted to).

id have said we leave now without the suitcases or we dont go. If he’d have started kicking off I’d have taken my shoes off and said oh dear well we can’t go to Grandmas then and sat on the sofa.

he needs to learn no means no.

you are saying no, then give in. So no means nothing.

you also set Minecraft boundaries that he’s ignoring. Sit him down, explain he won’t play anymore and why. And if you see him listening you might change your mind.

Can you try and spend some time with him just the two of you? He sounds real character and is possibly stressed about another new sibling.

He’s much too young for Minecraft. How long has he been playing it for, hours at a time? Are you honestly admitting that you have allowed your SIX year old to become addicted to a computer game? His brain is still developing and you’ve put him in front of an activity which is known to be extremely compulsive even for adults? Parent firmly and you’ll have an easier time of it, especially when the new baby comes. You are the boss. Your son wants the security of boundaries. Stop giving in. The case thing was ridiculous. Just say no it’s too big, we don’t need it. It won’t do him any harm and he’d have forgotten about it once you’d got him on the train, probably earlier.

Parenting is hard but it’s up to you to put in those boundaries and hold them. You can do this, you can do it better than your dad, but don’t set yourself up to fail.

and again… bin off Minecraft. Massively restrict screen time. Children’s brains can’t cope with those games.

You told him he couldn't bring the case, he kicked off, you gave in. What lesson do you suppose he learnt? You let the children choose the transport when you should have decided what was best for everyone. Choose your battles. Don't say no if you can say yes. But if you do say no then it means no. Easier all round

It sounds like your child has a mental issue. ADHD. This can be controlled but it takes effort, banning him form games wouldnt improve things.Teaching lessons may help though. Such as helping him to see the importance of being nice and doing good things.

def get rid of minecraft he is only 6

Put your foot down and make proper decisions. So no suitcase. No Minecraft. No-one calls you an idiot.

It isn't rocket science.

At that age the only decision is literally peanut butter or jam in their toast. That's it.

They're too small for anything more complex.

No, he just needs plain old parenting. Expectations and boundaries.

Nothing more complicated or glamorous.

Hi op,

I think you did not so bad…?
of course blaming him isn’t great but then again he is 6 and should be able to understand that his behavior made everyone late so why is that bad?
what was so bad when your dad was doing this? If he was shouting red face…I would understand but otherwise…I think it is good to teach consequences. Having to wait for another train is one of them…of course he might not have been bothered so maybe you blamed him for having yourself to wait?

All in all…it seems you worry about making same mistake your dad did. If you continue to be « balanced » so not like him or opposite than him…you will do just fine 👌🏻

Tomorrow is another day!

Some days are just like that @OrangeYellowCup! I totally understand, and it makes us feel like we've failed because we had in our minds a lovely time that the kids would really enjoy and it would all be like a jolly children's book where you have cocoa at the end in matching pyjamas. Believe me - I've been there!!

So try not to beat yourself up about it and learn that next time suitcases are a definite no, expectations need to be set before you go and see how you go.

I really don't want to sound like a hippy crunchy mom but I have to say I'm completely in the camp of no Minecraft. No iPad at all really. I know it's pretty common place and so it doesn't seem like much but they're so so so bad for children's brains. I'm convinced it'll be a huge scandal in 10-15 years time that these games were allowed to be marketed to kids - and that parents let them play.

The peer pressure is real, and I'm sure he gets it from all angles at school but the longer you can keep him off it at home the better - for his behaviour, for his brain, for the peace!