Are these age gaps too big?

[Op1n1onsPlease]

I’ve got DS(7) and DD(4). Always wanted 3DC but life got in the way. If we conceived soon DCs would be 8 and 5 when baby born - is that gap too big for the siblings to be friends/ would it be problematic for family life?

We can afford it and have the space at home etc. I’m 38 if relevant, still younger than most of my peers having DC1 though this is skewed a bit as we live in London!

I'd be happy with what you, will be a big change in the dynamic in the house with a little baby on the scene.

There's five years between me and my sister. I wouldn't say we were friends in childhood (especially when I was a teenager and she was still a child) but as adults we are close.

My husband has 14 years between him and his older brother so he was basically raised like an only child, but now they're 40 and 54, they're friends.

Don't know if that helps! But wouldn't let it hold you back.

@noidea69 it would definitely be a change, but not necessarily a bad one? DC are at an age now where they would be very excited about a younger sibling…though appreciate the novelty could wear off fast.

My oldest son was 8 when my youngest was born. It wasn’t a problem at all. He was old enough to feed the baby while I got some housework done. They’re incredibly close now and often go out in each other’s company x

It’s fine, mine are a 5 year age gap (very intentionally planned). I wouldn’t have a child expecting them to be friends with their siblings. I personally do not know any siblings who get along. 😂 Maybe as toddlers. But once older they don’t really want to be around their annoying siblings, regardless of age.

I found it was a really ideal age gap when younger especially. Mine are older now, 12 & 7 and they tolerate each other, but we also do lots of separate things with them too. I do think it’s an age gap that takes 2 engaged parents. Dh and I can split and take older one off on a 30 mile hike and camp for the weekend, while the other enjoys soft play. Or one of us can facilitate sports training which goes til 9pm, while the other is home doing bedtime. You do have to divide and conquer a lot.

There's 8 years between DH and his sister. He was there for the baby years but he moved out at 18 when she was 10 so he missed alot of her teenage years (he also moved country so that didn't help). Now he is 40 and she is in her 30s they are close though - as much as you can be living opposite sites of the world.

We currently have the same dilemma. We would like another child by DS is 8 and DD is nearly 4. As my DH is 40, that would mean he would potentially be 60ish before that child left home. Its not the age gap between our children but that factor which puts us off another child.
I do have a few friends that have done it eldest to youngest to between 6-8 years. They say its hard to plan things as either eldest or youngest gets left out but actually its a really nice dynamic seeing their children interact a bit more etc.

Thank you - interesting perspectives! I have a cousin 9 years younger than me who I absolutely adored as a baby - was desperate to play with him and spent loads of time with him until I moved away at 18. We lost touch a bit but now he’s an adult we’ve reconnected again - I still find it odd he’s a grown up as the age gap always seemed massive.

My DC have a 2.5 year age gap and are very close. They’re very different but have complementary personalities (DC1 a leader and a bit bonkers, DC2 more of a follower and a calming influence). I don’t think that a DC3 would upset that dynamic because of the gap but I would feel sad that they potentially wouldn’t have that closeness.

@SJM1988 it’s common where I live for kids to be born in 40s - I don’t see much difference between having a child at 36 vs 40, especially for a man.

I think those age gaps are fine. Having children really close in age is not the only way. DH has 3 siblings, the middle 2 were in subsequent school years. That was then extremely rare. It seems much more usual now so maybe that's why a 3-5 year gap is considered a big gap.

Its personal preference to be honest. DH would like our children to have flown the next before we hit retirement and I sort of agree/see why. Those extra 4 years would make a difference if nearing planned retirement age etc.
For me 40 is a hard stop for other reasons. I struggled to get pregnant with my youngest so I'm not sure I'm willing to add the extra risk factors of being 40 to the pot with my history.

There’s 21 years between me and my eldest brother. 4 between me and my other
brother. I get on much better with the older one. There no guarantee that any siblings of any age or gap will get on.

Mine are 8, 6 and three months. They get along brilliantly, it’s worked well. My only regret is that I’m sad my 3mo won’t have a sibling close in age (I had my tubes tied).

10 years between me and my oldest sister and we get on great, she was just staying at mine with my nephews at the weekend. Her kids are older than mine but they all get along. Mine look up to hers and hers dote on mine

Thank you for responses! Lovely to hear from adults who have good relationships with their age gap siblings.

Are there any parents out there who have experience of family life with say a 7yo, 13yo and 15yo and can give and idea of what the day to day is like? I feel like the newborn/baby stage would probably be fine as baby would slot in, but may be more tricky with a toddler/young child balancing with tweens/teens.

We have a 7 year age gap. So had a 17 year old and a 10 year old. Dc are now 25 and 18. I would say the teenage years were fine, obviously huge differences in interests etc but they did always do things together. When elder ds left home younger ds found it hard they be without him and did miss him but they have always communicated with each other. Ds 25 found the transition to ds18 being more adult tricky as he became his own person and could bot be bossed around some much! They message alot now and definitely have their own relationship. It works for them but the age gap at times has seemed huge but they have always been interested in each other, played with each other and done trips together as they have been older.

I'm only just pregnant with my 3rd and when this baby is born my eldest will be 6 and 4 months, and my youngest almost 4. My eldest two are 2.5 years apart and for some reason having a slightly bigger gap this time has worried me! But friends with bigger gaps have lots of positives to say about it. Good luck whichever you decide.

Mine are now 55,47,42,33, last one second marriage. All get on fabulously. Dgs born the year after the last one,by oldest DD 55, they grew up together..it was circumstances. Got pregnant in my teens,lived in 3 rooms, then a caravan. No more dks till we bought a house. Also maternity leave then was just 6 weeks after the birth, and you had to accrue it, which took average of 5 years..

My eldest is 16 and my youngest are 3 and 9 months. Eldest absolutely adores his little sisters and I can’t imagine it being any different now. We had eldest when we were very young and wouldn’t have managed another when we were that age so I’m very glad we waited

Surely I depends on your lifestyle? I was ferrying my children around for sports and stuff whilst once my eldest was 8. I’m would have been a logistical nightmare with a baby in tow.

my rule of thumb is that no further sibling should disrupt the lives of the previous siblings. If they are doing activities and would be forced to stop due to expense or time a new baby would cause then no baby. It isn’t fair. If, however, a New baby can slot in without issue then why not?

every family is different though so what works for one might not work for another.

as for getting on. You can’t possibly predict that. Some people mesh with their closest in age sibling, others get on with a bigger age gap. One of my closest friends is actually 10 years younger than me.

My children have exactly the same age differences and they have all got on really well throughout their lives. Youngest is going to Australia to meet up with his brother in December.
Its more about personalities rather than age difference that makes relationships.

There are 2.5y between and my older brother, and 7y between me and my younger, so very similar to what you might end up with.

Growing up, it was fine, although I think younger brother got bullied a bit by us older two, especially as he hit 7/8/9 and we were horrible teenagers 14+. Days out and holidays were not always easy. There are 10y between my 2 brothers, so my elder brother was over doing stuff as a family while my younger was still small. Younger brother got taken on holidays just himself for a few years when me and older brother opted out. In some ways I think he felt a bit like an only child. He and I only overlapped at primary school for a year. He also got dragged around to a lot of our extracurriculars, as we were already established at football/cricket etc. that said, we then stopped having so much sport on a weekend and my younger brother started. I guess it kept my parents busy.

As adults, my brothers are closer to each other than either is to me. They regularly go to the pub and workout together. They hang out often (live close to each other) whereas I tend to see them more for whole family stuff as I moved further away.

I have 3 now age 10,7 and 3.5 and it is very hard. The older two are out every evening for sport so we have a big car pool going and my husband collects so doesn’t get home until 7.30 every evening. It’s also very expensive but it was definately worth it and the 10 and 3 year old get on particularly well.

I'm hoping to have a 3rd soon too and will have a similar age gap (DS 8 and DD 4). I would have loved smaller gaps but DH is a worrier so likes to make sure everyone is calm and it is affordable before having another. As much as it would be great if my DC were in similar stages I do see benefits with my two, like only one DC requiring an adult to stay for class parties and clubs, both DC in school, DDs homework isn't too full on yet so I have more time to help DS, less sibling clashes as their interests are different.

I'm pregnant with my third, and my oldest will be a couple of weeks off his sixth birthday on my due date. I will have a 3.5 year gap between my younger two. I am also 38 and will be 39 by due date.

In terms of mat leave and general logistics, I think a slightly bigger gap should be a bit easier at least while they are small.

My oldest is in Y1, younger brother is at preschool at the same school which is mainly covered by the 30 free hours, so I should get most of 9am-3pm most weekdays at home with the baby - more time than I had with my second because we could only afford nursery 2 days a week for a 2 year old.

By the time my mat leave finishes, the bigger two will both be at school, so we will only have to pay one lot of childcare fees. With my other two we had 18 months of 2 in childcare which was a financial squeeze.

Getting a new car to fit the five of us was slightly easier than for some families, as my oldest is in a high back booster car seat which doesn't need isofix.

My older two are both reliably toilet trained and sleep through the night (barring any regressions when the baby gets here). Having two in nappies, and then a toddler having wee accidents plus a small baby, was again quite tricky.

The older one was off school last week with a vomiting bug, and he was really sensible looking after himself and resting quietly, and managing to be sick in the toilet/a sick bowl. It was a different ballgame to looking after an ill toddler at the same time as a newborn (once I was sick into a bowl balanced on top of the baby I was breastfeeding, unable to leave the room with poorly 2 year old crying...)

Obviously it will mean a change in your family dynamic, OP, but only you can say whether that's likely to be a good change or a bad change. For me, I always wanted a full house, DH was on board, we can afford and have room for a third, and 40 was my cutoff point too, so I'm feeling very lucky that it seems to have happened for me. Other people would rather stick pins in their eyes than start again with a baby once their older DC are at school, and that's fine for them.

Age gaps don't guarantee anything so I would have the baby if you want another, but not if you don't.

This is so lovely thank you 😭🥰