DD & DH Going on holiday

[Unorganisedchaos2]

Hi all,

For some context DH is a pretty lazy husband, almost all of the housework, shopping, cooking, clothes washing, ironing etc fall on me even though we both work full time. This is a huge issue for me and I've made it clear its not acceptable but that's a whole other thread.

I work from home so all the school runs haven fallen on me too, I cover all the school holidays: book the clubs, arrange family cover, play dates and take two weeks unpaid leave as well. Again I cover most of the reading, homework etc too.
This summer on one of the weeks I was off I took DD(6) for a road trip in the UK for 3 nights and we had a ball; it was great spending time together without rushing round and made some lovely memories.

I had booked off October half term (as normal) but DH suggested that him and DD go away for a few days as he saw how much I enjoyed it, thought it would be good for them to spend some time together and give me a break.

Honestly I've never been away from DD for more than one night but I think this is a good idea:

• I honestly believe they'll have an amazing time and it'll be great from them to have the time together.
• I petty part of me wants him to see what's involved with looking after a 6 year old continuously - he's more than capable just lazy.
• Im 3 months pregnant and shattered, this will be the first and last opportunity to have a break for a long time.
• I have things I've not had the time to do like some projects round the house so I could do these.

DH mentioned his plans to my Mum and she horrified that I would "let" him take her away for that length of time, I pointed out out that's hes a grown man and her Father and more than capable. For context I never had overnight stays as a child and my Mum always claimed she couldn't understand people who needed a break from their own children, she would scoff at mothers having "me time" however she never worked and it was the 80's so parenting was very different.

I've since mentioned it to a few friends and its 50-50 with some people thinking its a great idea and others being shocked about me happy to leave her for 3 nights.

So... am I terrible selfish mother or is this a reasonable thing to do??

First post nails it

Why on earth would it be a terrible idea for a dad to take his 6 year old away for a few days, or even a fortnight? I'm shocked that your friends are shocked. I hope you have a good break. You deserve it.

Now onto the more important issue of your husband not manning up the rest of the time....

My own mum is someone who genuinely never felt she needed a break from her own kids - but even so, if my dad had suggested he took me and/or my siblings away for a little holiday, she’d still have been completely fine with that! She’d have missed us, but she’d have thought it was a nice thing for my dad to do with us and she wouldn’t have been worried about us being in our dad’s care! Your mum’s being weird.

If he's up for it let him. Let him know the chores are all too much for one person, let him pick which he's going to take responsibility for as well as doing his own laundry and ironing.

A very different situation and ending, but my late DH took each of our teenaged daughters on holiday, separately, when he had to retire early, and I was still working.

I thought it was a wonderful, each of them having one to one time with their dad, and focusing on their different enthusiasms.

Two years later, he died. I'm so glad that each of the girls has those very special memories of real quality time with him, each having him all to herself.

I’m taking DS 3 away for 3 nights this weekend. DH very happy about it all. Would be totally happy the reverse too. Perfectly normal to have one on one time.

Definitely not selfish.It will give your husband an eye opener just how much you do.(If he's anything like my DH he will come back and say piece of cake just to make a point to himself.)(We know that's bull).

I think it’s totally fine.
I also think it would a great thing to set in stone - he is taking your dd away on his own and then BOTH dcs when baby will be here.
And it could even ‘spread’ to weekends so you can actually have some ‘me time’ for yourself.
Win win imo

It’s a unanimous YANBU, OP!

I take my children away on my own all the time. DH saw a Facebook post and booked a tent for him and our 2 oldest to go camping for the first time in the summer holidays. I happily stayed home with the youngest. Took a day off whilst youngest was in nursery. It was bliss! He talked about possibly coming home early due to his lack of sleep but luckily for me stuck it out!!
Enjoy OP- pregnancy is tough too- we all need a bit of a break!

Great idea

as a child my dad and I went on holiday all the time. Mum was a home bird and didn’t like going away at all.

For gods sake, there’s probably tens - if not hundreds - of thousands of children in this country who spend regularly spend days with just their fathers. Their parents are divorced.

My dad did this when I was around the same age, it was wonderful. I have amazing memories of our trips. I was probably driving my mum mad at home and she was happy for the break. Enjoy it, there is nothing to feel weird or worried about. It is lovely to have solo parent time and attention, especially with a baby on the way.

And even if you do leave the packing to him, and he says something like “Do you I/we should take x, y, z?” reply with “If you think you’ll need/want it, then take it”.

Bat the responsibility back to him. And if you’re close enough to join them, also don’t go there just because he’s forgotten something and wants you to bring it. What would he do if you weren’t at home? Tell him to take inspiration for an unofficial RAF motto - adapt and/or overcome!!

I think it's a lovely (and useful for you!!!) idea. I also think it'll be great for him to actually have to deal with it on his own. Enjoy your days off!

Great idea assuming he's not the world's biggest moron. Good for you to have some me time, him to have some one on one time and also good for him to understand how much you do.

I think it’s a great idea, but don’t think it will be a true reflection of how it is looking after a 6 year old. They will in holiday mode with none of the daily pressures and grind. They will most likely eat out, so no pressures of shopping and cooking, and he’ll return wondering what all the fuss is about! (Rage inducing)
And you enjoy those few days off without catching up with any jobs. Enjoy and out your feet up.

Sounds fantastic. It's a driving trip so packing won't be an exact science and they'll be able to adjust plans if things aren't going well - I'd encourage them to get on with it and not be drawn into a management role. If you have a go-to packing list for your DD then I'd pass that along but otherwise let him figure it out and just convey confidence that he will. I also wouldn't put you joining them on the table at all, even if you miss them.

I've admittedly never related to the mums who go months and years without leaving their children so I've got some bias, but I firmly believe that there's no hope of normalizing men being competent and enthusiastic parents if we treat them like they're second-rate babysitters instead of equal parents.

And FWIW, traveling is one of the main ways my (very busy and very traditional) dad and I connected throughout my childhood and beyond - they were a chance to carve out time together and enjoy each other as individuals. As I got older we turned out to be well matched as travel companions. I got to treat him to a Solomon Islands dive trip this year for his 65th and we both reminisced about the importance of those early trips to us, and I told him it's one of the reasons my DH and I have made a point of each of us taking some trips with one or two of our DC at a time instead of always doing whole-family holidays.

Mine have done this with their dad many times, culminating in ds and dh doing a Californian road trip and dd and dh doing a Northern Lights trip to Norway.
I enjoy being home alone with the dog!

I think it depends on his parenting skills and her general behaviour and personality. If you thought he wouldn’t be able to handle it and she can be difficult or if he has issues with making the right parenting decisions at home / losing his temper/ having a strop when things get difficult etc then no I wouldn’t. If however he’s a well practised and competent father who you fully trust to look after her for that long with the ups and downs that will go with it then it’s fine (I wouldn’t be ok with this but my partner and daughter naturally clash quite a bit and I would worry too much that neither could cope. I also do 90% parenting as a SAHM. He hasn’t ever looked after them for more than a few hours on his own before!)

@ItsAWonderfulLifeforMe

how can you not fully trust your husband - your coparent - to be able to adequately care for his child?! 🤯

My daughter has some undiagnosed behavioural issues and they’ve just never had to spend long periods of time together on their own. He parents a lot outside of work hours, with me, and he occasionally takes her on her own but not for any length of time. (They get on great most of the time!) It’s just our set-up and works for us, we spend a lot of time as a family all together. As I don’t work there’s no need for him to solo parent to cover school holidays like lots of my other friends do or do school pickups

I'd have no issue at all with this. It'll be lovely for them both. And, yes parents DO need me time!

Me and my DH do this every year and I love it. We have family holidays as well, but I get a lot more annual leave than him so he goes away for a weekend with the DC and I’ll go away for 4/5 nights. DC get best of both worlds. We each book and plan our own holidays. This year DH took the DC to Butlins and I took them on a road trip in Normandy. Last year he went to South Wales and we went to Cornwall. It’s so lovely and I get so much done when everyone is gone.

Just my personal view, but now that my children are older (20 and nearly 17), I’ve also realized how important it is for each parent to develop their own individual relationship with their child. Parents aren’t a single unit called “Mum&Dad”, we’re individuals. 😂

DD (20) will text or call us individually from uni depending on what she wants to discuss!
I visited her a couple of months ago (she worked there over the summer) and DH is visiting her soon. DS and I will also enjoy hanging out while he’s gone!