Overwhelmed and miserable

[babyclanchaos]

I am so overwhelmed and miserable. I have 3 young children and an absolutely useless child of a partner.
the house we’re in is not fit for purpose and we desperately need to move, but lots of jobs need doing to make it sellable. Partner won’t “‘let me’ get on with anything as apparently I don’t do things properly and always cut corners. Ok.. so you do it then ?
things aren’t done and it’s been years
we have so much clutter in the house and not enough storage. Middle child is 2 and not talking so currently in the trenches with him just doing what toddlers do, youngest is 11 months so again she’s just doing what babies do. Which is fine. But the lack of structure / storage / all the clutter in the house is so overwhelming. I spend all day cleaning and tidying and cooking and doing childcare whilst partner studies and works nights. He threw a strop the other night as I didn’t remind him to put aftershave on before work !!!!!! He needs to get a grip. Have me a whole speech about how I should be supporting him. I thought are you well in the head? How is it my responsibility to remind you how to get yourself dressed properly. Moron

Does anyone else have a partner who is more like a small child???
I know what the solution is here and I am more than mentally and financially prepared to make that choice. I just don’t want to split up the family as our eldest is 8 and I know it will break her heart.
Not looking for sympathy or even for anyone to reply, just wanting to vent about how I’m feeling.
I wish I could just throw in the towel and leave my life behind.

Sounds incredibly stressful op. Are you at home full time or working? If the example you gave was indicative of his usual behaviour I’d be getting my ducks in a row. I take it you’re not married?

Start small to chip away at the issues.

Clutter you can deal with. Get a roll of bin bags and start chucking stuff out.

I’m a Sahm, but do work every so often as a self employed cleaner- only for an old neighbour so literally earning pennies per month myself. He pays the bills (well, gives me the money and I pay. I do all of the life admin & even his own admin like appointments etc.)
no we’re not married, the house is in my name.
typing it all out for others to see really puts into perspective

im always the brunt of his outbursts. I don’t take them personally as I know it’s his issues and not mine but it does take its toll.
and all the clutter is bloody his. Youngest is in our bedroom still and won’t sleep if anyone else is in there so I can’t even get stuff done in the room or she just won’t sleep

the only time I get to myself is in the evenings where of course men like to show up and be pests if you understand. He then moans when I’m not in the mood about how I’m neglecting his needs. Mine haven’t been met in a long long time. I’m just so fed up. If it weren’t for the kids and my house I would just up and leave and never look back.

also to add. I do all of the cooking, cleaning and housework. We don’t have a dishwasher and he demands that he eats at least 3 times a day (which is fine but he’s very picky and won’t eat the same as me and the kids) and I also wake up when he finishes work at around 3/4am and make him some fresh food. When I haven’t woken up because I’m exhausted he send me a a huge paragraph about how ‘should I just not eat then or ‘I’ll just starve then shall I’. He’s absolutely useless and so reliant and codependent and it’s gone on for far too long,
again, not looking. For sympathy as I should just put my foot down with everything but it’s always easier said than done.

I don’t know how you’ve put up with it! I’d be having a clear conversation around his actions changing or you will separate. It’s good the house is in your name. Can you get back into full time or 4 days a week employment?

Sorry, did I just read that you make ALL his food, including at 3am?!!!
this sounds incredibly controlling behaviour and as a fellow SAHM (with lots of time on my hands as both children are at school) there is no way I would entertain that. He can make his own breakfast, lunch and sometimes dinner (I don’t enjoy cooking and I’m not very good at it!). This has to stop, he’s a grown man and needs to work out how to make food for himself. How unattractive

I do all the life admin too but that suits me as I have full view of the finances and I’m better at this side of things. I transfer his money over and it’s all sorted and planned out. When the girls were little housework was on a needs must basis (always kept up with the basics like washing but it wasn’t spotless) and he had to help if needed

Honestly fucking run

OP you need to put your foot down and stop pandering to this absolute waste of space. He'll soon figure out where the toaster is.

Yes all of his meals. If I don’t he simply won’t eat, but if he looks after the kids he will put something in the oven for them…. Yes it’s extremely unattractive and he wonders why I’m not in the mood. He is the neediest and most dependent of everyone even the children!!
I can’t work just yet, as we have no reliable childcare and he doesn’t want the youngest going to nursery until they can talk (incase there are any issues they can communicate with us) which is fair enough but obviously means that I am bound to the house for now

sometimes he’s really wonderful and we have a really great time together, most times though as expressed above he is an absolute nightmare. Really stuck in a rut here. Thanks everyone for your advice

So he doesn't eat. Honestly who cares?! That's his choice, not yours, and you shouldn't feel in any way to blame for the ridiculous decisions made by a grown man.

This. Honestly - tell him you are not doing it again. He's a grown ass man. He either eats leftovers, cooks his own or goes hungry.

I agree. I have said to him I can’t keep doing this especially waking up in the night 5 times a week to prepare you food and he at first said ‘it’s fine I’ll eat before work so I’ll be ok until the next morning’ and then when I proceeded to not wake up and make him food after his shift he got mardy with me! I literally cannot do right for wrong.

He always comments on other women’s bodies, is a serial woman hater/narcissist, is all for polygamy!!!! Etc. all massive red flags and all in all a complete horrendous person to be with. But yet here I am 3 kids later, because I’m a fool who thought that the children having a stable home is the most important thing. I told him months ago that I don’t think we should be together as it’s just endless cycles of toxicity (from him) and he called me selfish for wanting to break up the family. I also don’t want to be a single parent. I imagine he would make it a nightmare for me, although saying that he probably wouldn’t have the time to make it a nightmare with hi studying and working too.

Just now he has left for work and he said to me ‘what if I were out here this whole time being with other girls? All I’ve ever done is love you and admire you and I’ve turned down girls in the past for you and got nothing in return’ !!! My jaw was not on the floor surprisingly as I hear these comments often. I said well you wouldn’t be living in my house. He said but you wouldn’t even know’ I was like ok ? What is your goal here?? I’m so numb to these comments and questions I don’t even cry or get upset when we argue anymore, I actually couldn’t care less. Then he gets mad and says see you don’t even care you’re showing no emotion etc. can you blame me for not caring? I’m actually emotionally numb to every single thing you say and do that’s why it doesn’t affect me anymore!!

earlier he got mad because he couldn’t find his Stanley knife. I said why would I know where it is. He said you obviously have moved it. I said why on earth would I move your Stanley knife. I don’t ever use one or ever need to use one. He got the face on of course. Absolutely no accountability and I am desperately waiting for the day he decides to leave as it will save me the job. It’s sad when you think about it, because I truly wanted to marry this man.

Sorry for the long rant, I can’t really talk to anyone else about this x

You've already said it and your financially able to separate so do it.

It's easier said than done but he's a lazy arse and for him to have the cheek to have a go at you for something like that shows what he thinks of you. You would be better off without him.

I agree. This morning he moaned that our eldest wasn’t ready for bang on 8.40 for him to take her to school, despite him not being ready at that time either. She was ready by 8.45 which is fine because we live 2 minutes away from school. Not ideal pushing the end of drop off time but not horrendous. I explained that because I was up making him food in the night and then struggled to get back to sleep, this morning was a little slower than usual. I’m only human.

I did his breakfast whilst he was doing the school run, he didn’t say thank you. Left his plate on the table. He then asked if I would take him into uni every single day, I said no because it imposes on my day and routine being at home with the babies. He got the face on saying he’s only going to uni so he can get a good job to support us, I said you wanted to go to uni when we first met but you didn’t have the chance for various reasons, so it’s not just to support us (not being ungrateful here at all)

It’s frustrating because I’m more than happy to support him with what he needs but I have been putting him first before myself for months if not years and I’m emotionally and mentally done. I’ve started getting showered and doing my skincare etc at 8.30, as soon as our eldest goes to bed. Ordinarily I would wait until he has gone to work between 10-11pm and then sort myself out, but I’m not doing that anymore it’s not fair on me. Of course he then moans that we don’t have any time together in the evenings and we are intimate etc.

He really is a big man child. He has a lot of issues from his childhood and family that have effected him, which I have always been supportive of and tried to help where I can (again, not throwing this in his face) but it’s almost as if he wants to be miserable.

we have a non refundable holiday booked for December as well which is just fantastic. I planned a surprise trip for his birthday as he’s had a really tough year with bereavements and with work etc. I don’t know why I even bothered.

Just an update if anyone is still following. He attacked me on Sunday morning and put his hand around my neck. He was arrested and has been charged with intentional strangulation which he admitted to in custody. So it goes to the crown prosecution to deal with now. So obviously we are not together and will not ever be getting back together. Thanks anyone for your advice x

It sounds like you need couples counselling.

I just don’t want to split up the family as our eldest is 8 and I know it will break her heart

But won't it break your heart if she grows up thinking your relationship is what love and normal I'd? And then she grows up and repeats your relationship in her own?

I know it's not easy and I'm not saying LTB..... but somthing needs to change. Your children are watching and you and their dad are teaching them that this is what a relationship is... when it isn't

I left my children's father 8 years ago because I didn't want my children growing up and repeating our toxic relationship / thinking it was normal

Edited to add: I've just seen your update about him assaulting you. Were the children present?

My ex attacked me ( reason why I left ) it wasn't the first time either

He was found guilty in court and because it was infront of our babies they were included on the restraining order and he isn't allowed to contact or communicate with me or the children

Oh my God ! I hope you are OK as much as you can be in the circumstances. That's just awful for you and the family. I hope the kids never saw it
Treat yourself kindly, and lean on family and friends for now. Good luck x

Your DP sounds awful you’d be better off without him

It's way past that !

OP well done for getting rid of that waste of space, take care of yourself and try not to be alone with him if he ever shows up - in fact don't open the door and call the cops if he does !

I hope you are ok @babyclanchaos. It's good the police are taking it seriously. Hopefully you are enjoying the peace without him around.

I’m sorry that happened to you. It’s good that it’s your house however. You can get rid of his clutter and start to build a life for you and your children.

I know you didn’t want to be a single parent- no one does, but your partner created an extraordinary amount of work for you so you may actually find it easier than being with him.

No the children weren’t in the house so they don’t know what has happened. I just explained to my eldest that we had a big fight and aren’t together anymore. I don’t think it’s appropriate to go into any more detail at this time, I don’t want her to be distressed

and yes there is a restraining order in place currently as part of his bail conditions, he’s only allowed to contact me via the TalkingParents app but once his bail finishes, if he doesn’t get a custodial sentence then I have already contacted people to have the restraining order extended. It’s all just a big mess my head is so scrambled x

Thank you. I’m still in shock to be honest but I’m not completely surprised, I knew he was more than capable of acting like this and he’s always had a bad temper
fortunately the kids weren’t in the house but SS have been informed as obviously it’s a very serious crime to have happened x

There is a restraining order in place so if he does try to come near me I will call the police anyway and he’ll get arrested for breaching bail. I’m staying with my parents anyway so won’t be by myself in the house x