Should we move to be closer to parents / grandparents?

[Goldendoodlelover]

DH and I love where we live (middle of a small city, lots going on, good commute etc) but we have a one year old son and have really struggled not having family support / a ‘village’ nearby. My parents live 2.5 hours away and it’s tricky for them to stay as our place is really only a 2 bed (where we live is VERY expensive and so upsizing here not an option). They are fantastic, loving, hands on grandparents and would love to help out more.

It seems mad when we only bought our place 2 years ago, but I’m wondering whether we should move to be closer. What would you do in my position?

(a) stay where we are, and try to convert our garage into a bedroom/bathroom for them to stay (if we want a second or even third child though this may eventually become our room and so we would lose space for them to stay again)

(b) move much closer to them - we would get wayyyy more for our money house wise, but job opportunities are relatively scarce and there is far less ‘going on’ for older kids

(c) move 45 mins / hour away from them, which would again enable us to get a much bigger house but would also give us more choice and flexibility in terms of jobs etc. DH thinks this would be pointless if we want them to be able to help with childcare etc but I think this could be an option because at least they wouldn’t have to stay over?

would really appreciate any advice especially if you have been in a similar position - feel like I’m mentally going round in circles with it.

We stayed away, we live 1 1/4 hrs away. We drive there and back in a day but parents don't like driving s if they come they need to stay, factor this in for either now or when they get older. Being my distance away I agree with husband that it's neither here nor there, however 45 mins may be different.

Life's hard without the help I have to say, it puts a lot of pressure on daily life/relationships etc. would you be happy to move back re friendships/jobs/sure parents would help? Honestly if your not bothered about where you live and things being equal id take the 'village'. My child's just turned 8 and it gets harder in alot of ways as they get older, you need less childcare support but more moral support for behaviours/challenges etc!

I would definitely try to move to have more room, whether that is halfway or close to them. We have a large 4bed with a guest bedroom and it was invaluable that my parents could come and stay when the kids were younger. They didn't do childminding as such, just came to visit often and kept me company. It was so nice to have their support. They are 1h15 away.

I would aim to find somewhere that suits you as a family but also allows you to afford somewhere big enough for them to stay.

@SlB09 thats a good point about them needing to stay as they get older. If we were 45 mins / 1 hour away hopefully we would have a much bigger house with more bedrooms so it would be much more convenient for them to stay - the problem at the moment is we have the double whammy of being a) far away and b) not having much room for them to stay.

I am pretty daunted by the idea of having to find a new house / new job / new friendship circle etc etc. But my husband and I would also like another kid at some point and I am much more daunted by the prospect of having 2 kids and no family support nearby.

@Xmasbaby11 thanks for the reply - I just would love more support, which doesn’t necessarily have to mean daily childcare but I would just like to be able to see them more regularly without rigorous planning beforehand or lots of effort. Basically all of my friends with kids live close to their parents and I am so jealous that they can just pop round for Sunday lunch or have their mum just keep them company for a morning or whatever.

i just know how incredibly stressful moving can be - it took us almost a year to buy the house we are in now and the whole thing was a bit of a nightmare - so I want to make sure we make the right decision

(A) because neither of the other options would work …

(B) doesn’t sound like it would be a great move for either you or the kids long term. Yes you’d have the advantage of help with childcare while they are young but that’s such a short time in the scheme of things.

(C) your DH is right, 45 mins to an hour is still too far away for them to be able to help regularly (one of my siblings is exactly that distance from my mum and they rarely see each other). I mean, it could still be a good move for you if you would be able to get a bigger house, but do it for that reason, not for childcare.

Also, they aren't little for very long. You do find your groove and grandparents are needed in a different way to when they are v little

We are just over an hour from parents and they’ve never done regular childcare, but we’ve done many a handover at a service station half way in between. It’s allowed us nights out and weekends away, and means meeting them for a pub lunch or picnic are totally doable. I’d pick option C.

@TappyGilmore @SlB09 youre right that things may change as the kids get older. I’m really struggling to balance short term needs whilst they are younger with long term needs whilst they are older. We are always going to have to compromise on something, but I don’t know what to prioritise: like where we are now would be amazing place for teenagers to grow up (there’s so much to do in walking / cycling distance) but because it’s so expensive we are always going to be limited for space, and so would kids actually prefer to be somewhere where they can have their own bedroom and roam around more / be more in nature etc.

@SixSeven thank you for sharing, this does sound great!

I wouldn’t move just to gain childcare. Anything could happen to your parents to mean that doesn’t happen, and your kids won’t need care for ever. If you live in a great place that offers lots of opportunities for you and the kids, stay put and convert the garage. One of the kids rooms could be used for visitors while they are young.

I wouldn’t move to get childcare. Both DH and my parents lived about 250 miles away, and we wouldn’t have dreamed of moving to them. The grandparents were all very loving and involved, but they wouldn’t have wanted that and would have disapproved. Building your own lives where you have access to jobs is the most important thing.

Not a good idea to move just for childcare, things could change in a instant. What if one of your parents was diagnosed with a serious illness and the other had to become their carer, or one was diagnosed with a terminal illness. Not nice to think about, but always a rising possibility as people get older. Then you don't get childcare and you've moved your entire life for no reason.
Plus it's much harder to make friends as you get older.

Ours are teens now and we live in small city in a too small house (2 bed terrace, converted loft for third bedroom for DD), tiny garden. I can't believe you have a garage that's luxury that is.

Size annoys me and DH - kids not at all. They are very independent as teens because they can walk or get bus anywhere. It was great when they were about 4 to 12 as tons going on for kids in our little city and we built a village from neighbours and school friends. Dense living can bring closeness with other people in a good way.

Both sets of grandparents are very long way away and not really any help practically or emotionally so moving near them never a consideration.

Not sure why I'm sharing this - there is no right answer to this. You just have to concentrate on the positives in whichever decision you make.

It sounds like you are really in the thick of it with a one year old and moving closer to your parents may not be the magic solution to the feelings of lack of support. Children just are hard work. Within a few years they are much more independent, going to school, clubs, to play at friends houses. Having your social circle is really valuable. It might be more reliable and cost effective to find a good local babysitter that you book regularly, and book a nearby hotel for a few nights at at time for your parents.

@Goldendoodlelover I live in a small place close to nature. Few teens here are that interested in roaming around in the woods and fields in groups. Parents don’t let them wander at all very much! They spend all their time in cars being taken to see school friends who don’t live here! A few dc took out bikes into the woods but some dc were not allowed to join in. You don’t really know what your dc will do in a village. As a teen, I can guarantee nothing! So my advice is a town with plenty to do and transport links to a bigger place with more!

If you move, 45 mins is fine for babysitting. My DM was 45 mins away and stayed over. However it was not regular childcare. It’s too far for that.

My dsis didn’t see DM much as she was nearly 3 hours away and no spare room. Dm not capable of driving there either. They wanted a big city and had no intention of moving south so they made a choice. If you want grandparent involvement I’d say 45 mins is fine. Get a bigger house and have room for them.

You might also need to think about what you would do if they were ill. How would you manage to see them? Would you with the current arrangement?

I’d stay where you are for now. You live somewhere you enjoy with good job opportunities and lots to do for a child. That sounds great. If days out, meet in the middle or go visit them for the weekend.

When our first dc was that age, we were close to both our families; now we are NC with my family and we moved closer to MIL. We actually moved because we wanted to, nothing to do with MIL. She sees our dc about 5 times a year. Has never really provided any help in 12 years, bar a few hours here and there a few times. Doesn’t really seem to enjoy visiting. 🤷🏻‍♀️

We fortunately live somewhere we really love, but if I’d moved here mostly for family, it would suck. Our friends have always been more of a village than family has been.

Did you grow up where they live? If you did then you would likely have old school friends around too. Where are DH parents? I think long term being based somewhere with things to do is good. As your parents get older they will actually need your help. So it might be harder to move away again. No right answer.

C is the worst of both worlds, as they get older and your life revolves more around their schools, hobbies and friends, 45 each way is just too much to be anything more than an occasional visit anyway.

It sounds as if you live in a nice place and them less so, is there any chance they might want to move closer to you but wouldn't bring it up in case you felt awkward or that they were overstepping? It might be worth asking, even if you think they'd say no.

What are the chances of developing a better village where you are? Are you forging connections, do you see a sense of community at the local schools etc?

Thanks for all your replies - I should clarify that my parents no longer live where I grew up: if they did I would move without hesitation as that’s where basically all my friends are moving back to (mostly for childcare reasons!)

My parents moved a few years ago to be closer to my grandparents / extended family - it’s in a very pretty, safe, in many ways very lovely (but very quiet) area. They are very happy there and so no chance they will move, especially whilst my grandparents are alive.

We have friends where we live but to be honest none of them have kids - this may change in a few years. I’ve met a few nice mums through baby classes etc but I don’t really feel like I’ve found my ‘village’ yet - I didn’t do NCT which is a huge regret and tbh I found maternity leave very isolating despite being in the middle of a city! This may change as DS gets older and goes to school.

My in laws also live 2 hours away - they are a lot older and less hands on.

I think ultimately it boils down to whether we want another kid - which we do. I just don’t think we can handle 2 kids, plus 2 demanding jobs, without having family support close by.

I think you need to be flexible about beds (eg get a double floor bed for your 1 year olds room) and when grandparents come to stay out grandparents into your room. And/or get a comfortable sofa bed

@Goldendoodlelover NCT doesn’t always provide friends either. Everyone went back to full time jobs and got a nanny. Virtually never saw them after a few months.

It amazes me that PP have said 45 mins to an hour is too far to drive regularly. My mum and ILs were both an hour away when the kids were small and we saw both every week. Still do.

Stay put. Put a double bed in DC’s room and when GPs stay they can have the room whilst DC goes in with you in a travel cot. Longer term, plan to do the extension. If you do have DC2 then you keep a the double in one room so GPs can have that room whilst the kids have a ‘sleepover’. BIL and SIL lasted until the teen years with that sort of set up and it worked great.

I would not move to an area with limited job opportunities and less going on for older kids when it’s not your hometown so you don’t even have the benefit of a ready made friendship group. GP help isn’t necessary for the day to day with 2 DC. Find a lovely nursery and a decent local babysitter! Besides, you can accommodate the GPs as/when needed by getting creative with your bedrooms.

Where is C to where you are now? Is the commute more acceptable to parents?

is commute to work doable?

are you in jobs where flexible working can be done?

it’s crazy pointless moving if you can’t have a social life anyway cos jobs downgrade due to scarcity.

making your current house bigger adds value in long term

do parents want more childcare responsibilities? Ie school runs more weekends? Is this something you’ve discussed?

I wouldn't move just for childcare, but consider the other things that are available. Is this where you grew up? Is there anybody you can reconnect with?

If you were working then then how long would your commute be? What is your plan if nursery phone you to pick up a sick child? What are the schools like?

I live 6 miles from my parents (one direction) and 7 miles from my non driving sister (other direction), having moved back from Australia. I work a 75 min commute away and do shift work and so utterly rely on family to help out. Its also nice - I can pop in for a cup of tea, if desperate there is somebody who can come and sit in for a delivery for me etc.

As my parents are getting older they are very reluctant to stay elsewhere but happy to have my 3 yr old stay at their house. It also means they can do nursery drop offs or pick ups if required (or even if I am running late). My mum had a knee replacement earlier in the year and it meant that i was able to drop in and help change sheets / drop in food etc and I am expecting that to increase as they get older.

I may be kidding myself but they all enjoy the close relationship that regular familiarity brings. Be honest to yourself about how much you actually enjoy your parent's company - if I didn't enjoy spending time with them then I would not move to be closer.

Can I just say as well… don’t rely on family. Things can sadly change. You should make sure there are a lot more reliable options for childcare. GPs /family should be fun sleepovers emergency kid is sick and can’t go to school days etc.

it grandparents get sick or want to go away etc you are stuck for childcare. You need something more robust and sustainable

trying not to be morbid and put a downer on it but I’ve seen it happen 😪