Should we move to be closer to parents / grandparents?

[Goldendoodlelover]

DH and I love where we live (middle of a small city, lots going on, good commute etc) but we have a one year old son and have really struggled not having family support / a ‘village’ nearby. My parents live 2.5 hours away and it’s tricky for them to stay as our place is really only a 2 bed (where we live is VERY expensive and so upsizing here not an option). They are fantastic, loving, hands on grandparents and would love to help out more.

It seems mad when we only bought our place 2 years ago, but I’m wondering whether we should move to be closer. What would you do in my position?

(a) stay where we are, and try to convert our garage into a bedroom/bathroom for them to stay (if we want a second or even third child though this may eventually become our room and so we would lose space for them to stay again)

(b) move much closer to them - we would get wayyyy more for our money house wise, but job opportunities are relatively scarce and there is far less ‘going on’ for older kids

(c) move 45 mins / hour away from them, which would again enable us to get a much bigger house but would also give us more choice and flexibility in terms of jobs etc. DH thinks this would be pointless if we want them to be able to help with childcare etc but I think this could be an option because at least they wouldn’t have to stay over?

would really appreciate any advice especially if you have been in a similar position - feel like I’m mentally going round in circles with it.

Yes.
In my social group it makes the biggest difference to how happy the children are and how productive the parents are. It’s the number one deciding factor.

I moved to be back in the bosom of my DPs when DS was almost 2. I was a single parent and doubt I would have coped without the support, both practical and emotional. DS has an absolutely amazing relationship with them and, as they looked after him, he is now looking after them. The other set of grandparents didn’t want to know, so moving further from them was inconsequential. You won’t regret putting them closer together @Goldendoodlelover

45- 60 mins isn't commuting time for very frequent childcare - that's maybe two hours driving in a day before they've taken the child(ren) anywhere.

I think look at the schools in the area near your parents and aim for being no more than 15- 20 mins drive from them. Ideally be within walking distance of a reasonable primary school. If there are no reasonable schools in that area, think again.

Would your parents want to move? They may want to downsize and not be too rural as they age. There comes the point when everyone will have to stop driving and at that point being on a bus route / near a train station is helpful. If they're up for moving to the 45- 60 minute away place and it has reasonable schools you have an answer.

Well if you want another child you’re going to have to move anyway as your current house isn’t big enough. And from what you say you can’t upsize where you are. So you’ll need to move at some point. Question is really how long you want to earn better money where you are beforehand. Put them up in an Airbnb until then.

Being close to both sets of GPs was a big factor in where we decided to move. We weren’t expecting childcare though. Dc are really close to GPs which is lovely and they have been very involved but since we moved in three years ago between them there has been broken bones, a stroke, cancer which needed surgery, numerous falls a few of which were down to internal bleeding they hadn’t noticed, one gm has gone deaf and needs hearing aids (in mid sixties) and one gf has suddenly decided he’s anti vax and won’t even get the flu jab because he thinks the Covid one gave him memory problems. It goes both ways but in our circumstances, if we had been banking on them helping us and not thinking the other way round, moving close would have been a big mistake 😅

I wouldn’t. You never know what’s round the corner health wise

"I think ultimately it boils down to whether we want another kid - which we do. I just don’t think we can handle 2 kids, plus 2 demanding jobs, without having family support close by."

I don't really get this view.
My kids are grown but most of my friends and I brought up our kids and went to work without 'family support.' For example, my family were over 200 miles away. There was no general expectation that family would routinely help out, except perhaps in an emergency.
I'm not looking for a medal, btw.
What we did do was share childcare so we could have some time off each and the kids made lasting relationships with each other and their 'aunties.'
I think it's also true that they didn't generally have so many after school activities as today, so less pressure on parents to tie themselves in knots rushing around.

@independentfriend If you have had to stop driving, you probably won’t be doing extensive travel on a train. Bus maybe but around me people drive until they are pretty old and then get taxis.

It's our biggest regret we didn't move where we wanted to, to afford the house and lifestyle we wanted,the schools with wraparound care. We stayed more local to all grandparents thinking it would be good for support as at the time my inlaws really didn't want us to move and were upset about not seeing our baby as much. Really sold this idea that with a second baby on the way they'd be around to help.

Fast forward 9 years and whilst all grandparents are retired none of them barely even visit. Don't do any sleepovers or childcare, dont even know the school they go to. We always relied on nursery,just me and my dh.I've had homebirths so we didn't need childcare for the other two. I've worked part time/self employed because we needed the flexibility as the school doesn't do wraparound care, plus one child with additional needs who can't access holiday clubs.

They have and continue to do childcare and help out other siblings, who even live further away 🤷🏼‍♀️

So whatever decision you make do it for you. Put yourselves first whatever that looks like for you.

I wouldn’t move for childcare. It’s so flimsy, they might not be able to help. My stepdad had a stroke and my mum went from helping to couldn’t help ever again as she was a carer.

I would pay for a travel lodge when they come to stay and help! They are clean and nice. It’s cheaper than buying another house just £60 a night sometimes

You mention that your parents moved to be nearer to grandparents. Was that to provide care to them? Do your parents work or are they retired? There’s a risk you move for childcare and your parents don’t have the time or energy to offer you the sort of support you may be envisioning. As other posters have also mentioned, circumstances can change too. Your parents may not enjoy good health in the future and toddlers and small children are high energy and can be exhausting. Maybe need to factor in how realistic it is to depend upon them and whether they also share your expectations.

Don’t move for childcare and please reconsider having a second child if you believe you need family support for your first child.

Thanks all - a real mix of responses here which is probably testament to what a difficult decision it is! The problem is I get on very well with my parents and I absolutely love watching the bond between them and my son and how happy being grandparents makes them. But I also appreciate circumstances may change and they can’t be the only reason for a move (I don’t think they would like that either).

I think my husband and I are going to go visit some places 45 mins - 1 hour Away from them and think about if we could see ourselves living here. As they no longer live where I grew up I just don’t know what these places are like - we may fall in love or it may make us appreciate where we are even more!

Did you get any further with this decision op?

OP we are in a similar predicament! Did you decide what to do!?

@Confusedmama89 so we decided to move in the end - as our toddler is getting bigger we became more certain that we needed more space / a proper garden, and we can just get so much more for our money elsewhere. We are moving about an hour away from my parents (job opportunities are much better where we are going) but it’s a much bigger house - 4/5 beds so my parents are going to do one day of childcare a week and either drive back and forth in a day or stay over. It will also make it so much easier for them to help out at weekends etc. It’s a bit daunting moving to a completely new area but I’m excited!