My husband doesn’t want another baby and I feel heartbroken

[Hannah2025]

Hey everyone. My husband and I have always had a vision of having a family with 2-3 children. We struggled to get pregnant so when we got pregnant we were naturally very nervous for anything to happen to baby. Admittedly, the first trimester was very anxiety inducing as I had multiple bleeds which resulted in trips to early pregnancy unit and lots of private scans.

We are now in the very early stages of new parenthood with our 4 month old boy. We had a traumatic birth with him which ended in emergency c section and 2 week NICU stay.

I guess you could say our whole experience of parenthood hasn’t been the smoothest. The struggle to get pregnant, the anxiety during pregnancy and the trauma during/after birth. However, everything has been worth it to get our little boy.

Despite everything, I am still of the mindset that I’d 100% like another child in the future. Definitely not the near future, but if life allows us then maybe in 4-5 years time. However, my husband has announced he doesn’t want any children. He has told me the stress of pregnancy and newborn life has really traumatised him as he felt so helpless. He said every time he received a phone call from me his heart would drop as he’d fear the worst.

I know we are only 4 months in, but it has left me feeling so unhappy that he now doesn’t want anymore children. Of course, if that’s still his mindset in years to come then I can’t do anything about it. I just wanted to reach out and ask if anyone else has been in this situation with their partner and whether they ended up changing their mind? Or on the flip side, is anyone else in my shoes and had to learn to deal with a partner who doesn’t want more? If so how did you cope? Thank you x

We had 2 boys, no trauma really, they were normal births etc but I desperately wanted a third and my husband absolutely refused to entertain it. I kept mentioning it but it was always a no. One day, about 5 years later I sat him down and explained that it might be different for him, but for me it's an internal yearning that I feel I have to fulfil and that I was worried resentment would form if I couldn't. He said "we'd better get on with it then"! Hes now 9 years old and they have the most incredible bond and he always says thank God you persisted as couldn't imagine life without his little man.

I really hope in time he comes around. X

His is a natural reaction, as is yours. I had an ivf pregnancy and then a traumatic birth and a refluxy cmpa newborn, my husband was traumatised from the birth seeing me like that and then seeing me my most vulnerable after, crying my eyes out daily etc. We've been together 13 yrs before having our son so I'd always been a steady eddy, post partum hit me hard. At 4 months neither of us wanted another ever ever again, then I did for a while and then didn't, he did etc etc. We're still not sure but it's not off the table.

All that to say I'd say 4 months is too early to be having that conversation at all, especially after the trauma you've been through. Park it for now and enjoy your child, things change so incredibly fast with a baby in the first year that you can't believe what ruled your life last month or last week even. When some times has passed and the trauma isn't an open wound and becomes a distant memory, he may feel differently. Especially when the really fun bit comes along, the toddling and talking time :) My son is now two and we sometimes find a relic of those ancient times (feels like it 😅) like a dummy or gripe water and think wow, that was NUTS. Don't have the conversation about it rn, he'll say no bevause he's still reeling from it all, and you'll stress that that's your future mapped out, but you guys are still in the thick of it. Just enjoy this bit, it goes by quickly and concentrate on being a unit and a team.

DH felt similar to this, we’d wanted 3 DC but fertility stuff had happened, which affected our respective thoughts and feelings. He was more adamant than I was. It was also much, much harder parenting and working than we’d thought!

DH’s upset over what had happened didn’t really come out until DC2 was born, I think he’d been trying to ‘be strong’ etc. I’d struggled during the hard times and had counselling that had helped. He’d bring up bad memories and fears from time to time for a long time after they didn’t really affect me any more.

I didn’t want another one, DH did. I would have really resented him pestering me for another child tbh.

I honestly think it may be too soon to be talking about this. Your baby has just arrived and it’s been difficult for you all. He may change how he feels in a few years but he’s probably already tired and stressed about the new baby, talking about more right now is probably more than he can cope with. Dh mentioned another one when DD was about the same age and I burst into tears. Leave him be.

Drop it for now. Enjoy your baby. See if things settle with time. It sounds very traumatic for all of you and just because he wasn’t physically effected the emotions will be high. But if he doesn’t want to go through the again then you need to respect his decision. Accept it or move on. You need to decide what’s move important. Another baby or your current family.

I would suggest that you agree to make no firm decisions for at least the next year. See how you find parenting and if things get easier. Either one of you may change your minds. He may not though. I would try not to think about it for a bit. You’re going to spoil these first few months with your actual baby mourning over a baby that may never be.

I agree with others, you need to drop this conversation for now. It’s way too early to be having it. You’ll be in a totally different place in 12 months. Revisit it then. In the meantime I’d suggest some support for you both to process the trauma you’ve had.

It’s been 4months. There’s no need to be thinking about number 2. Just enjoy your son. He might come round in a few years.

I was completely traumatised after my son’s pregnancy/birth, had severe PND and I would have bet a million pounds on the fact that I was one and done back 😅 however my son is 5 now and I’m due his baby sister early next year. You’ll be surprised at how much things can change over the years, don’t let it stress you out at the moment.

I wanted another, husband didn't. Child is now just turned 8, he massively regrets not having another - our age and fertility means this would be virtually impossible now.

Honestly, I hated him silently for quite some time. I felt he'd taken this away from me, but on the flip side I also couldn't imagine going through pregnancy and baby stages again, both of which were traumatic for us, and I don't use that word lightly. But my hormones and body yearned for another, aswell as feeling terrible for my child that they would be a lonely only.

We haven't had another. I deeply regret it and can honestly say he does too, but it doesn't eat us up on a daily basis. I've kind of come full circle and accepted that that's just not my life and won't be. I scrawled mumsnet and there was some great advice but what stuck in my head was to appreciate what I currently have and not what I 'might' have had. I suppose I probably grieved, and like grief it still visits me from time to time but it becomes less overwhelming. You really are at the blunt end of it now but I would really advise your husband to seek counselling so the trauma doesn't stick with him xx

Your baby is only 4 months old! I would think your dh needs at least a year maybe 2 before he would even think about the possibility of another. My dp was so traumatised from the birth of our second that he had to go to A&E a couple of days later with chest pains - turns out it was anxiety. Our men really go through things watching us women do it.

That would have been a marriage ender for me. I would make very clear that more children was definitely in my future and he should have counselling over the trauma to see if it could be in his too before deciding to separated. But id probably wait until the newborn stage was over.

Agree with PP who suggest counselling for him or both of you. No pressure on either of you. I’d also agree that it’s good to stop the conversation now. At 4 months, things had just about settled down with DS to feel that I didn’t have to go back to work so soon as I had been considering. By the time he was 8 months old, I knew I wanted to have another. We didn’t hang around because I was older. There’s plenty of time to change but I can guarantee the more you push, the more he will resist.

Give it time you don’t need to decide now things could change

“We” had a very traumatic birth with him…? Did your husband have the baby too? You had a traumatic birth. You did. Not him.

For at least a year after my first I swore I’d never have another. Your baby’s so small. Enjoy him and revisit the conversation later on

I get why you say this but when my sister in law nearly died delivering one of her babies, my brother thought he was going to lose both of them. It is okay to say that a birth was also traumatic for the man.

I'm 60 now and have seen it all. I know men, and women, who bitterly regret that they didn't push for the second child, against their partners objections.
I know men who resented their wives' presenting them with fourth and fifth pregnancies in the moment but adjusted very quickly and now love those grown up children dearly

What does stick in my mind most were the cautious anxious fathers, committed parents to the most part who took their role so seriously that they really couldnt imagine looking after more than two maximum. They were anxious strivers, worrying about money time, health. They basically made decisions on the basis of this deep anxiety and presented it to their wives/partners as logic/rational thinking

So I suppose I would wonder why he is mentioning this now, so early. Seems a bit extreme and as if he needs some sort of help processing his new life. If he was traumatised he should talk to someone but it's not really very helpful or supportive to diss your present baby and by extension you for putting him through "all this". You get to complain, he DoesNT.

Enjoy what you have.

I had a traumatic birth with my first and was adamant at the time that I didn't want any more and I could never go through that again.

By about 18 months in my mind had changed and I wanted a second. My husband didn't at that point but we finally ended up with a 3 year age gap between the two. I also opted for a c-section with my second as I couldn't have gone through that birth experience again. It all turned out OK in the end!

Two of the men I knew in this situation refused to have a third because they had been so affected by the threat of a disabled child (high odds but baby was fine) during pregnancy testing. Yet the mothers didn't feel the same way. Yet they were persuaded. And looking back in both cases I think the mothers were unfairly browbeaten and it shouldn't really been the husband who made this decision. No terminations - it was just the way the decision to PLAN to have two only was to my mind made by the husband not the wife. And there were no financial constraints in both cases. The husband was anxious but the wives weren't, not in the same way.

You need to accept his decision.

It’s way too early to be thinking about this - I don’t think you come out of the newborn fog (especially with your first) until at least a year. And for me I wasn’t ready to consider baby no 2 (and then 3) until 2.5-3 years had passed. So I wouldn’t stress it too much. You don’t know how either of you will feel until then. My DH was anti no 3 but now wants us to have a fourth because he enjoys the dynamic so much!

One of the women in my NCT group had a traumatic birth and her partner was adamant on not going through it again, but they did go on to have a second - just a bit later than any of the rest of the group who went on to have another. It’s too soon to have this discussion / decision. Give it some time, and ideally counselling, and then revisit