My husband doesn’t want another baby and I feel heartbroken

[Hannah2025]

Hey everyone. My husband and I have always had a vision of having a family with 2-3 children. We struggled to get pregnant so when we got pregnant we were naturally very nervous for anything to happen to baby. Admittedly, the first trimester was very anxiety inducing as I had multiple bleeds which resulted in trips to early pregnancy unit and lots of private scans.

We are now in the very early stages of new parenthood with our 4 month old boy. We had a traumatic birth with him which ended in emergency c section and 2 week NICU stay.

I guess you could say our whole experience of parenthood hasn’t been the smoothest. The struggle to get pregnant, the anxiety during pregnancy and the trauma during/after birth. However, everything has been worth it to get our little boy.

Despite everything, I am still of the mindset that I’d 100% like another child in the future. Definitely not the near future, but if life allows us then maybe in 4-5 years time. However, my husband has announced he doesn’t want any children. He has told me the stress of pregnancy and newborn life has really traumatised him as he felt so helpless. He said every time he received a phone call from me his heart would drop as he’d fear the worst.

I know we are only 4 months in, but it has left me feeling so unhappy that he now doesn’t want anymore children. Of course, if that’s still his mindset in years to come then I can’t do anything about it. I just wanted to reach out and ask if anyone else has been in this situation with their partner and whether they ended up changing their mind? Or on the flip side, is anyone else in my shoes and had to learn to deal with a partner who doesn’t want more? If so how did you cope? Thank you x

I always wanted two, my husband married me knowing that full well, then vetoed a second after stringing it out for the remaining duration of my fertility (after this, not until that). He took no responsibility for his single handed decision and never apologised or empathised. It still breaks my heart how alone our child is and will be forever. We are now going through the most hideous divorce I have ever heard of. I am venting OP, but don’t worry, I’m sure I am the worst case scenario here, and there are many more happier potential outcomes for you.

Sounds like it's too early to be talking about this really

With a four month old you're really in the trenches

Been there...

It is emotional, but realistically and logically, I try and think about it like this:

One of you is likely to be resentful, either you for not having another baby, or him for having more than he wanted. There is a small chance that he ends up loving having 2 kids, but more than likely if a person is forced to have a child that they don't want, they will resent it.

So which is better? To resent not having a child that doesn't exist? Or to resent a child that is there, in front of you?

Personally, I think, most of the time, if you already have one kid, the best option is to agree with the partner who doesn't want more. You can still get the love/feeling/duty/responsibility etc. from the first child, and you are not bringing another child into the world with a parent who didn't want them, and might resent them.

if you didn't already have a child though - that is a relationship ending difference for me.

Personally, I've found it a lot easier as my son has gotten older. Mostly because the further removed he is from being a 'baby' the more difficult it is to imagine and want to go back to that stage. When you get to 4+ and your kid is much easier, good at talking to you, more fun to be with... the idea of jumping back to screaming/crying baby, looses some of its appeal. But maybe that is just me. I can see the opposite being true for many.

I agree with you in some contexts eg pregnancy /m- there is no ‘we’ about it. But in terms of birth, we both watched our baby stop breathing, and then he watched me have a major haemorrhage and be whisked off for emergency surgery. I think ‘we’ is a pretty fair use of the term in this sort of context and I would certainly consider the birth of our children as something we experienced together (albeit obviously the physical side solely on me).

It's really very early days, OP. I had a difficult first birth followed by NICU stay, various outpatient appointments, bad reflux and CMPA. The first six months in particular were really difficult for both of us and we couldn't see another baby at that point. As time passed, I felt the urge for another one but my husband didn't. I think it was shortly after a year when baby became less attached to me and more independent, my husband's bond with our son really changed and at 18 months or so when I said I want another one, he'd done a complete 180 and said yes, what are we waiting for?!

It's so early right now and your lives have been turned upside down by a newborn. Enjoy your son and once life begins to settle down, revisiting the conversation might be easier.

But she doesnt need to stay.

He clearly had some of the trauma though.

Weird post.

4 months in and everything that happened you need time to breath

tbh going on about it now will definitely push him into saying no

You’re 4 months in. We were both adamant we were one and done until one summer when dd was 2.5 years and we both said we wanted a second (which turned out to be twins 😂). I’m not saying you’ll definitely get to that point but 4 months is very early.

@DorothyStorm

But she doesnt need to stay

True for the future, but she’d be mad to leave right now because her DH said no to another baby, whilst their current one is only 4 months old! Fair enough if the child was 4 and he still said no.

I know people who bitterly resent being pushed into being a parent to a child they didn’t want, and the unhappiness of the resulting children.

No one is owed multiple children or entitled
to ‘push’ against a partner’s reproductive freedom. No one should be made to have a child they don’t want. A child is entitled to be wanted by both parents.

It’s too early to talk about it. Maybe when baby is 2 your husband will be more into the idea!
I didn’t even want another baby until 18 months in…

He’ll probably change his mind when your son gets a bit older and needs someone to play with. I wouldn’t worry

The other thing I would say, is that regardless of wanting another baby or not, the early days of new parenthood are often a time when partners feel somehow lonely and as if they are on different planets. That's because we as women are programmed to make the baby are primary focus.
A lot of people feel misunderstood and at odds in this time; I know I certainly did. My goals were surprisingly different to my husband's (although he was fine with going for a second IVF pregnancy (we ended up with twins). We were on different pages on all sorts of issues, for example sleep routines, breastfeeding, visitors; luckily in the end the penny dropped that just supporting me was the only thing that mattered and he did. In other families I know the wife's instincts were overruled and I'm not sure the short term advantages of being united were to anyone's good.
So pleased don't be broken hearted. Enjoy your little one hug your husband and just think your own thoughts at this point

I would take time to enjoy your new child for now.
then maybe a year or so see if your still both feeling the same.

I only had one son and it was traumatic, but then coming up to 40 and realising that I’m not having another baby because my husband decided not to.
now my sons left school and I still feel the resentment, worse than ever.
I pictured my life one way and still grieving for the family i don’t have.
i feel it more at Halloween, Christmas, Easter, back to school days, summer holidays,
as my house is so quiet and all my friends have children still.

maybe you can be content with your one child, at least he’s told you this now rather than later.

Your husband has been traumatised because he's had to sit by watching you suffer during pregnancy and the birth. He felt helpless and scared witless. In these type of situations men's emotions are often overlooked, because they aren't the one who's pregnant or giving birth. He still has feelings, and they are valid. At the moment he can't cope with the thought of having to go through similar again. I am going to suggest you both have some therapy, which might help him work through his emotions. In time he may change his mind, but you have to be prepared for the fact that he might not. I had an horrendous birth with my son, and couldn't face having another baby. I never changed my mind.

I was your husband in this scenario. I will say that 4 months is quite soon and he’s probably exhausted and struggling and can’t imagine having another. Time may change his mind. I told my husband no in absolute certain terms. It was hard for him, although he never said it. But what he did say was ‘I’m going to give my one boy the best childhood and be there for every moment’. He has done just that. Perhaps it is different for men and women, but I know having that mindset helped him x

Thank you so much for your replies everyone. You’re right, we really are in the thick of it and it’s not time to be having this conversation.

This is absolutely not relationship ending stuff for me, he’s an incredible dad and husband and I am overwhelmed with love for our little boy. I am very disappointed and saddened by the fact he says he doesn’t want another, but reading some of your replies I have hope things may change as our boy gets older.

To the person who commented the post dismissing the fact my husband found the birth traumatic too - I think that is very cruel. He watched me in an emergency c section haemorrhaging all whilst our son was taken to resus then endured 2 of the most traumatic weeks of our lives in NICU / me in the pits of depression. If your partner didn’t find this traumatic I would be very surprised.

I wish I could convince him to get therapy but he’s very much stuck in his ways and doesn’t believe it would help him. Hopefully he heals in time as our son grows and we get out of the trenches.

Thank you everyone, for now I’m going to take your advice and just enjoy our boy and stay hopeful we can bring him a sibling in the future. If not, you’ll probably find me doing another post on here in 4-5 years time!!!

I would give it some time, sound like you had a very difficult experience with your first at multiple steps along the way.

After I had my second, I felt anxious that my husband wouldn't want a 3rd as he seemed happy with 2 and didn't want to go through the stress again but he was ok with a third in the end.