Ok, I know grandparents are invaluable but what if they insist on parenting THEIR way?

[angel1976]

Hi,

First of all, I want to say that I know that GPs are very important... And my in-laws adore DS but I am slowly being driven mad by them insisting on parenting THEIR way. Some of the basic issues we disagree on:

• MIL insists DS should be in his own room by now, he is only just over 3 months and I intend to have him in our room for at least the 6 months that is recommended. She brings this issue up in EVERY conversation and EVERY time we see her. She goes 'does he sleep in his cot yet?' When I say that it is recommended they stay in your room for 6 months, she goes 'WHO says so?' And I say 'Just the official organisation to prevent SIDS' and she dismisses that as nonsense...

• CIO - MIL says we should leave DS to CIO since she did that with her two kids from 2 weeks onwards! I DO NOT want to leave DS to CIO. Not at this age.

• Weaning - MIL wants me to wean DS NOW as she weaned both of hers at 3 months.

• Sleeping on tummy - MIL believes this for the best so they can't choke on their vomit!

• They want us to take DS out to events with them i.e. dinner when it's way past his bedtime and also he won't settle in his pram (we have tried and he gets hysterical!). My view is that he is little and if he is only comfy sleeping in his hammock for now then so be it. We can take him out when he is bigger and more flexible with where he sleeps.

Ok, so most of these issues, I can fend off by either ignoring or just pretending to be noncommittal. But what do you do if they insist on parenting their way but still want to have DS for the weekend for example?

How would you have handled this situation? We went to see some family over the weekend and stayed in a hotel. DS was overtired and was hysterical as it was past his bedtime. Managed to calm him down and put him in his hammock. They sent me and DH to get a Chinese. Before we left, I said if you turn off the TV and close the curtains, he will go to sleep. We left, came back at hour later, the TV was blaring and we were told DS wouldn't go to sleep so they took him down for a walk and came back up and still wouldn't sleep and he was grumpy! I was too shocked to say anything, just went to close the curtains, turn off the TV and said we are eating in the other room and I will stay with him and he was off to sleep in less than 5 minutes! I would love to let them have him for the weekend so DH and I can have some time on our own but how do you insist on certain things that are important to you i.e. no CIO, no food (MIL once rubbed chocolate from the eclair onto DS's mouth insisting he wasn't actually eating it???), no sleeping on his tummy.

Any advice? Thanks!

Ax

Err let them have there say and then just ignore it - My parents and in laws have been telling loads I should do when Pinky is born. I just tell them that is very interesting and then let it float away out the other ear.

Sorry, what's CIO?

cry it out?

My bad - commited cardinal sin - not fully reading - I agree that you have to accept there house their rules - the fact that she did bring one up to be a grown up then there will not be any long term effect of letting her do things her way. Just don't use her that often if it really is an issue.

put your foot down much much more firmly.

GP's are important but they are there to grandparent not to parent.

CIO - Cry It Out...

It's fine to ignore but does this mean I NEVER let them have DS alone?

"their house their rules" doesn't apply to how you raise your children, on the important issues at least. let them spoil him with late nights, tv and chocolate when he's 5 not 3 months.

Oh I see. Thanks Uriel.

well, angel, your mil sounds completely stupid and is clearly a pita.

There's no way I would leave my baby with anyone who thought it was ok to leave a baby crying.

do you really want them to have ds for the weekend?!? I would think not under these circumstances.

(I meant 5 years of course)

Your child, your rules, in whoever's house. They had their chance to decide how to bring up a child with their own children.

I think if they want to look after you son by themselves then you have to be able to trust that they are going to look after him in a way you feel comfortable with.

They don't have to agree with how you do things but they do need to respect that you are the mum and what you say goes.

Until they can accept that then if it were me they wouldn't be looking after my children on their own.

No I am afraid I disagree Elmosgirl - if you ask in laws to look after the child you can't give them a long list of rules what they can and can't do. Shows a lack of trust in my view.

She sounds like a PITA. Would not leave your DS overnight with them until he is much older if that is how they behave.

If you can't trust them to do the important things in a way you are happy with, then you can't leave him with them for the weekend. While there needs to be some give and take with grandparents, I think the general idea of "their house their rules [...] there will not be any long term effect of letting her do things her way" doesn't extend to blithely ignoring SIDS guidelines (or, IMO, trying to sneakily introduce solids behind your back).

When he is older and sleeping better you'll probably find that your differences are over less important stuff that you'll be happier to go with the flow over, and you'll be more comfortable leaving him with them.

I wouldn't let them have your ds for the weekend. No way. He is still very young anyway for that (imo). Don't know if he feeds during the night, but you could maybe use that as an excuse. You are doing all the right things by following current guidelines, your MIL is clearly not informed about such things so I would ignore her 'advice'

But, Flashman, if they can't cope with a very short list of rules, viz.:

1. Please follow current guidance that has been shown to reduce incidence of SIDS rather than putting my child at increased risk

1. Please do not feed solids to my three-month old baby

then I think a lack of trust is fully justified.

Try and let what mil is saying wash over your head. Easier said than done, I know!

In your place I wouldn't be leaving them with in-laws until they're much older.

Flashman - I wouldn't give them a long list of rules but if I thought someone was likely to offer food to my 3 month old or let them yell when I have suggested ways to get them off to sleep which they blatantly ignore as OP has suggested then I wouldn't leave them with them.

OP, this is going to sound rude and I apologise for that but do you think there is any chance she goes on about it so much to wind you up as you around a bit earnest to me? See, I told you it would sound rude but what I mean is maybe you have to relax the rules a bit because in my experience babies survive pretty well without the rules and rituals that we parents think are essential to get them to eat, sleep etc. And I know chocolate isn't exactly the ideal food for babies of that age but by god, think of the crap they'll be shovelling down themselves in years to come! Sorry I'm flippant I know but life with a new baby is hard enough...

PITA???

And see thats where I agree if it bothers so much don't leave the child there - but if you do want to leave the child you will have to trust them - do you really think your son will come to harm?

Had similar stuff from my PIL - ignore, ignore, try not to get too stressed but I know its difficult. Do not ask for advice just carry on serenely. However, I would never have left my DD with my PILs under 12 months (they would have fed her formula as soon as my back was turned), she is 18 months now and I haven't left her overnight with anyone except DH. Spend time with your baby there is the rest of your life to have weekends away not when your baby is tiny.