Ok, I know grandparents are invaluable but what if they insist on parenting THEIR way?

[angel1976]

Hi,

First of all, I want to say that I know that GPs are very important... And my in-laws adore DS but I am slowly being driven mad by them insisting on parenting THEIR way. Some of the basic issues we disagree on:

• MIL insists DS should be in his own room by now, he is only just over 3 months and I intend to have him in our room for at least the 6 months that is recommended. She brings this issue up in EVERY conversation and EVERY time we see her. She goes 'does he sleep in his cot yet?' When I say that it is recommended they stay in your room for 6 months, she goes 'WHO says so?' And I say 'Just the official organisation to prevent SIDS' and she dismisses that as nonsense...

• CIO - MIL says we should leave DS to CIO since she did that with her two kids from 2 weeks onwards! I DO NOT want to leave DS to CIO. Not at this age.

• Weaning - MIL wants me to wean DS NOW as she weaned both of hers at 3 months.

• Sleeping on tummy - MIL believes this for the best so they can't choke on their vomit!

• They want us to take DS out to events with them i.e. dinner when it's way past his bedtime and also he won't settle in his pram (we have tried and he gets hysterical!). My view is that he is little and if he is only comfy sleeping in his hammock for now then so be it. We can take him out when he is bigger and more flexible with where he sleeps.

Ok, so most of these issues, I can fend off by either ignoring or just pretending to be noncommittal. But what do you do if they insist on parenting their way but still want to have DS for the weekend for example?

How would you have handled this situation? We went to see some family over the weekend and stayed in a hotel. DS was overtired and was hysterical as it was past his bedtime. Managed to calm him down and put him in his hammock. They sent me and DH to get a Chinese. Before we left, I said if you turn off the TV and close the curtains, he will go to sleep. We left, came back at hour later, the TV was blaring and we were told DS wouldn't go to sleep so they took him down for a walk and came back up and still wouldn't sleep and he was grumpy! I was too shocked to say anything, just went to close the curtains, turn off the TV and said we are eating in the other room and I will stay with him and he was off to sleep in less than 5 minutes! I would love to let them have him for the weekend so DH and I can have some time on our own but how do you insist on certain things that are important to you i.e. no CIO, no food (MIL once rubbed chocolate from the eclair onto DS's mouth insisting he wasn't actually eating it???), no sleeping on his tummy.

Any advice? Thanks!

Ax

some things are too important to leave (eg weaning at appropriate time and yes, that is one for the parents only to decide) other things can be ignored as harmless.

up to you to decide what you can and can't let go and if you can't trust them, you'll have to wait until he's older before he stays over.

personally the eclair incident would be enough for me to scarper but whatever you decide, I hope you get it sorted out satisfactorily. you don't have to make all the compromises you know!

Hi all,

I value all your opinions. Yes, DS is a PFB but I don't get too upset about certain things i.e. her putting chocolate in his mouth at 3 months, I didn't worry too much as I know it's a one-off and he wouldn't come to much harm with that little chocolate. I can overlook things like that but certain things I do find it hard to compromise:

• Going against SIDS guidelines but putting him on his front
• Weaning - trying to give him solids early
• CIO - I am really opposed to this as I really don't think you should let such a little baby cry it out

I have tried putting my views across to them and MIL has babysat for a couple of hours once (though at our place so I was a lot more comfortable with it) but she is so insistent on beating down current guidelines. I am so tempted to send her links to these guidelines but think it will come across all wrong.

I don't think I will be leaving DS with them in the near future but there's already talk of a joint holiday later in the year sharing a villa and that's going to be fun. I just want some ideas as to how I can get my parenting views to be taken seriously... without upsetting them. Surely they are able to accept that guidelines change with time?

Ax

angel - I do see your point, but I'm not sure it's an issue. none of those things matter after 6 months (including the sleeping on tummy thing - as they can roll over then anyway), and I personally wouldn't leave a baby with GPs until 6 months anyway (for more than a couple of hours anyway). can't you just ignore it and not leave him with them yet?

am with you on this angel
PFB or not - the guidelines are there for areason and are evidenced based.
putting to sleep on tummy/weaning at 3 months/crying it out - non negotiable in my book. if you can't trust her not to do these things then no way would i leave him with her...

when she mentions it again - have something in your handbag and show her how the back to sleep campaign has reduced cot death/early weaning linked to allergies etc....ask her why she would put her precious GS at risk??

I have no intention of leaving DS with them... yet. But I guess they are constantly on our case about leaving him with them while we go out or for a weekend away (their suggestion, not ours!) and I feel pressured to let them have him for a weekend just to shut them up but just not comfortable with the issues I have brought up. I guess it's another 3 months to 6 months so I can relax then! I will try my best to ignore in the meantime then. It's funny as I am normally an assertive person but when it comes to the in-laws, I am so timid as MIL is easily offended (the in-laws organised our wedding - no kidding! - when we told them we were getting married in a registry!). I just wish they would respect my parenting views so I don't feel so stressed out by them when we are together... I just feel so judged!

luvaduck, love your suggestion about handing out leaflets but am sure that will offend too! But might have to try it as a last resort...

Are you close enough to sit and have a heart to heart with her?

You could try just explaining to her that you love her and value her as a grandparent but that her comments are making you feel this way. If she goes on about how they did it in her day then explain how things change and that mothers will always do things differently from grandparents but to give you recognition that you are now a mother and you have to trust your own instincts and her comments are only belittling you and making you feel inadequate.

Also explain that if she insists on doing things her way then that makes you reluctant to leave your LO with her as it makes you feel undervalued.

If they can't do as you want then don't let them babysit, these are the sacrifices you make when you have children IMO. I only left my ds1 with my parents when he had going to bed routine that was reliable so after 5 months and that was a two month routine.
I believe that when you are a parent of te new generation your rules apply and I made that very clear with all GPs when my first was born, my parents were really respectful and although my mum makes comments she thinks I am a fabulous mother and gives me confidence. My in laws have never babysat becuase we have different views and I wouldn't trust them to stick to mine.
I wouldn't leave a child of mine with anyone except my parents and/or sister until they could talk. in fact not even then!

Don;t go on holiday with them.......sheesh they sound awful. Take time to feel like you are a fab mum who knows best and until they recognise that stay away!

Personally I'd research the various issues to exhaustion then casually prompt a "how parenting styles have changed over the years" type discussion and argue the various points firmly and with the research behind you.

I'd be prepared to wheel out all the horror stories. ie, SIDs statistics showing the decline in cases once Back to Sleep was introduced, and the science behind the current weaning advice and how it will help to avoid the possibility of crohns, coeliac and allergies.

If it were me, I'd probably be a little patronising too, ie "well obviously in those days you guys just didnt know some of the things we know now, I expect when DS has kids it will all have changed again" type stuff.

If she bites and you get into a good debate, start emailing her links to interesting articles backing up your points (or print and bring over). If she really won't listen then you have to avoid leaving DS in her care I'm afraid. You are mum and therefore in charge.

Lastly, IME, in between all the outdated stuff you get from MILs / parents there is often some really sound experienced advice, so don't discount everything she says automatically.. Maybe listening to and following any good bits of advice she has might be enough for her to chill on the rest..

I am more than happy to look after DS! Like I said, they are adoring GPs and I feel bad of 'depriving' them a chance to spend time alone with DS just because I don't agree with their parenting style...

Thanks for all your suggestions. Talilac and Posieparker, you are both a lot braver than I am. I just HATE HATE HATE confrontation. I used to call MIL a lot (partly because I felt sorry for her as DH can't really be bothered to call them) and I know she likes hearing about DS but I just don't want to anymore as she goes on about whether DS is in a cot yet.

I think I can wheel out all the statistics I want but in MIL's eyes, she has brought up two healthy children so her way is correct. I think the printing out info and the leaflet idea is a good one. I just need to think of how I can show them these with offending them directly.

In the meantime, DS stays close to my side! I am going to see my family in a few weeks (they live overseas) and I can imagine what my parents are going to be like but dealing with your own parents are somehow so much easier IMO!

I don't think you're depriving them. most GPs don't get to look after GCs unsupervised at that age.

just grit your teeth and remember she's only trying to help. You could use tiredness as an excuse not to call so often for now, and just answer suggestions with a vague "oh, maybe I'll try that if xyz doesn't work". also it might help if you go on about how easy motherhood is - you know.

soon, it won't matter so much...

And yet it's unpaid childcare.

You lucky bugger.

Both our sets of parents are 100s of miles away and we haven't had a "weekend together" in 3 years.

Take the rough with the smooth. Sorry.

Ask her if she ignored all her own instincts and did everything her MIL told her when your dh was born....?

This is your child, you have control. How much you can push it may depend a bit on how supportive your dh is of your views. FWIW, my oldest has just turned five, and in-laws have never had him overnight. The longest they've looked after him without me in the house is about 45 minutes. There are too many issues (which I won't go into here) for us to be comfortable with it.
However, be aware that these things can develop into huge rows. You have to decide how much, if at all, you are willing to compromise, and you and dh have to draw the line in the sand.
Honestly, if your mil is so dismissive of your views, there is no way she will practise them on an overnight stay, let alone a weekend. And could you really enjoy your weekend away knowing your baby was being left to cry?
They may stop pestering you about overnight stays etc, if you state clearly and categorically that you will not be leaving your ds with anyone until he is older.
If you are so keen to have a weekend away or whatever, you will have to decide which is more important to you - "alone" time with your dh, or control over how your ds is looked after.
Sorry if that sounds harsh, it's just my personal experience.

You must assume that they would treat him exactly as they would wish to if you weren't there, so listening to what you're saying (and I SO agree with you), I would wait until he's much older and you are happy for him to be parented in their way before leaving him unattended with them. Lots of visits but with you there. There is a huge generation difference between us and our parents - my mum asked if my 5 month old would like some coke and crisps.......if I hadn't been there, she probably would have given her some. I think they also forget what happens at what stage too (as we will too). My mum has winged and moaned about DD not being left with her for the night / weekend but I'm just not prepared to do it.

I would find yourselves a lovely babysitter that you can trust.

I have never left my daughter (3.6) overnight with her paternal grandparents - their parenting style is so different to my own that she would be totally disorientated and miserable, and they would probably go insane . They have looked after their grandsons (my stepsons) overnight and on holiday regularly since the boys were tiny, but the boys were parented in a way much more similar to their way.

A fair few of the things you bring up are basic safety issues; that's not the place for 'their house their rules'. As others have said, when he gets older it's fine to let them do things their way and maybe allow him things he's not allowed by you; older children can deal with that. But first you've got to get him there in one piece.

I would avoid 'having it out' with them in a big way; just try to organise things so that they don't end up looking after him alone until he is quite a bit older. Just do it tactfully. Organise lots of fun things for all of you together. Make sure they are involved in things where they can't do much harm.

Your weekends with dh will hopefully still be there when he is a little bit older and little bit tougher. Or get a trusted babysitter.

Thanks for all your opinions. I think NOT leaving DS with them for now is the solution. It's just that I assume most people do it but I'm glad to hear I am not being 'precious' about DS. I do feel for my MIL, she is alone at home all day but we've always invited her to pop in anytime. She's a hypochondriac and we think she could be slightly depressed too so really want to make her feel better but it's really hard to balance wanting to make her happy and DS's welfare.

I took him to the baby clinic and for his BCG jab yesterday and usually I call to tell her how much he weighs etc but I couldn't face it yesterday. Had quite a lot of stress at home and really could not face her grilling me about him sleeping in the cot again so I didn't call. I do feel bad but it's my sanity I'm preserving.

Nah, not that desperate for a weekend away yet. We've always said we will take DS with us if we do go away... It was the GPs who offered to take him when we do go for a weekend away and my first instinct was 'no way!' Am glad that I am not the only one NOT comfortable with the idea of leaving DS with anyone (not just the GPs) at this age!

P.S. It's not just the inlaws, I can see what 'fun' I will be having with my parents... My mum once offered her nephew (who was about 5) a taste of port wine! I had to tell her off!