Parents of children late to toilet train

[autumnparty]

When did they finally ‘get it’?

He has plenty out of school as well …

I feel like I didn’t do a very good job at potty training ds. He’s now nearly five and honestly, it’s embarrassing being handed a bag at the end of the school day. The primary school is in an affluent area and I do feel judged by the teachers and other parents, although I accept that’s my issue.

I just don’t know where to go from here. Waiting for ds to grow out of it doesn’t seem the best strategy but positive reward charts haven’t worked, mostly because they stop being positive quite quickly.

He definitely isn’t constipated; I didn’t think he was but it’s suggested a lot on here so took him to the GP. I have also spoken to ERIC.

WTF do I do now?

When did you potty training him? To still be having accidents in the day at nearly 5 would concern me, I'm assuming it's been over 12-18 months since you potty trained him? Has he been having accidents the whole time?

One if my DC was wetting himself every day and we did ERIC, GP, scans etc… nothing wrong with his bladder.

what helped was to see a child psychotherapist- time consuming and expensive but it worked. It worked not only on the day wetting but also improved bedwetting and his ability to make friends.

edit to say: he was wetting himself until he was 6-7 years old.

Is it wee or poo accidents? My DC was having accidents at 5. Turns out they were constipated and it was leakage. We went on a disimpacton regime to flush it all out. They’re still on medication now in Y2. Are you sure you’ve fully investigated constipation?
Have you been referred to the children’s bladder and bowel team? They’ve been very helpful for us

Thanks. It’s both wee and poo.

He is dry at night and has been for around nine months now, around the same time he turned four. Very occasional accident but only occasional.

Absolutely positive he isn’t constipated. He eats brilliantly, loads of veg and fibre and drinks plenty of water and only water.

If he’s just started reception is he being reminded to go at certain times such as before break, before lunch mid afternoon and before home time? Yes I know they shouldn’t need reminding but they often do. My youngest had constant wet accidents in the first half term of school. Was only just 4 and it only stopped after a bad week at school when half the class had accidents and they implemented a set time reminder system!
Nursery and preschool remind children and the toilets might be bigger,shared with another class or they may just to to busy to go

does he have accidents at home? Do you pack him spare clothes for school? I only ask because when my daughter started reception she had an accident once and they put her in some hello kitty leggings to come home in and she started purposely having accidents then to get the hello kitty leggings 🤦🏻‍♀️ she stopped when i started packing her own clothes and couldn’t get the leggings anymore, have you been referred to bladder and bowel? My sister had accidents and wet the bed regularly up until she was 10/11 the doctor explained it “that her tubes were underdeveloped and therefore wasn’t holding closed” and that once she hit puberty it would sort itself out- which it did.
my daughter also wet the bed till 8/9 but this was linked to anxiety, maybe another possible cause?
my son is 10 and still has accidents in the day he has autism and cognitive delay, but he used to be dry from age 5-8 its only been last 2 years he’s started having accidents again, we have been referred to bladder and bowel, but he only has accidents at school, i think he gets easily distracted and forgets to go or they don’t check with him regularly enough not really sure what the issue is as he is non verbal too, so can’t ask him 🤷🏻‍♀️.
hopefully you will get some answers soon, no need to feel embarrassed about it, im sure the teachers understand there may be some issues going on xx

This is super common in reception so please don't worry. So many other parents going through it, just no one talks about it. Doesn't matter if he eats plenty of fibre and drinks plenty of liquid, it could definitely still be constipated/withholding. Are the poops like smears/nuggets or full blown poops? If smears/nuggets then I would say he definitely is constipated/withholding. Needs to do a sit for a poop half an hour after every main meal, even if he doesn't do one it's healthy and gets everything moving. Some kids are constipated even though they eat and drink well and don't seem to strain, even if their poops seem loosish, there can still be backed up harder matter

My grandchild was the same despite potty training from just before three. Finally referred to paediatrician and was diagnosed with Coeliac . It has taken another year GF to finally use the loo for pooing .
The reception class teacher was very discreet thank goodness.
Edited to say that grandchild was severely constipated despite soft poos ,it was all overflow. Now takes Movicol every day despite eating fruit and fibre in huge amounts since a toddler.

Thanks. I know constipation is always suggested on here but if he is constipated I’ll give you my house; he really isn’t. His poo is totally normal in size and ah, texture (nice.) He eats loads of veg, protein, fibre, he is a great eater and not fussy at all (unlike my other child; I’m not being smug!)

Besides, this has been an ongoing problem since potty training him. It isn’t just poo, it’s wet accidents as well.

I know they remind him. I do send him with a change of clothes.

Part of me thinks that as someone said it’s a common problem. But honestly I haven’t seen anyone else with a bag and also it’s just been going on for so long now I am weary of it. I’m wondering when I’m going to stop having to send him in with spare pants: when he’s ten? Sounds glib I know but it’s horrible. It makes you feel like a rubbish parent.

Maybe other parents just hide their bags. It is very common in Reception and in boys. It will improve. Just so much going on for them.

My son has additional needs and wasn’t fully trained until 7. He wore pull-ups in reception and year 1. We started toilet training at 3, he would try when we asked but there wasn’t the connection there or the ability to hold it. He did stop having accidents inthe night from about 5 though. We self referred to the incontinence team when he turned 7 (minimum accepted age in our area) but he got it before we saw them. One thing we did was rewards for trying (rather than rewards for a wee or poo) to encourage him to go.
What are school doing to support? As a bare minimum I would expect them to be regularly reminding him to go and try.

Thanks. I probably am overreacting. But we all wait in the playground and you’re given a bright green bag so it’s obvious your child had an accident! I haven’t seen any other parent with one.

I am sure they are reminding him but equally he does need to take a bit of responsibility for going to the toilet himself as that can’t continue as he moves up the school.

We had many issues with ND ds. He finally cracked it when he was 5. For us it was environmental and lack of patience. I have a couple of websites I can send to you that have loads of advice. We done 30 minute reminders and he cracked it then. I mean I was properly hounding him. I used to leave my phone in his company with an alarm that used to go off - he would put the toilet nursery song on YouTube and he had to try going to the toilet until the song finished. It's about 60 seconds long. I think he eventually got sick of the song and he started wondering off and going independently. DS got a reward when he finally was dry for 10 days. We wondered the toy shop, picked something, took a photo and I promised when we had no accidents he could get it. Fully trained within about a week because he couldn't stop thinking about his reward.

We tried that but unfortunately he just … had accidents still. Could try actually taking him to the shop I suppose, haven’t done that.

My child is not sorted yet and is nearly 10. I actually dont care about bags etc, although he has his own changing bag in his school bag and can clean himself up mostly, so it gets more discreet as thrh get older.

Any suspected neurodiversity? Perhaps google interoception and see what you think? An alternative to constipation

I work in primary. It happens but faecal soiling is not common. It is becoming more frequent though as some parents are not training from 2 or 3 anymore. Wet accidents are more common through to year 1.
What does his GP say?

Have you asked him why he is having accidents? I know he is only 5 but he may give some insight into the problem he is having? Sorry if that seems like an obvious question but it doesn’t say anywhere on the thread his view on the issue xx

That is not necessary. We put the bag inside the child’s school bag so there is total discretion.

Have you tried monitoring his diet? My dd5 still has poo accidents if she has too much sugar. I try to keep sugar out of her diet as much as possible, especially before a school day as I know there’ll be consequences.

If you have a look at the school teacher threads there are loads of teachers saying that more kids are arriving at reception like this post covid. "School readiness" is a major concern at the moment, post covid.

My DS struggled until he was 13 when I finally removed him from school. He's much better home schooling.

My child had loads of accidents in the weeks following starting school. It turned out he had he had misunderstood and that he wasn’t allowed to ask to go to the loo so thought he just had to sit there. Maybe ask his teacher to have a chat with him?

Ah bless him. Have all medical reasons been ruled out? What does he say when he has an accident is he distressed or upset by it at all?

With the constipation thing, i would have also sworn blind my son wasn’t constipated. He was having frequent poo accidents with no warning. It would just happen. I took him to the gp. They said he wasn’t constipated and were no help at all. In my desperation I paid £300 to see a private specialist who examined him and said he had a very high blockage for a while which had lead to a loss of the control and the feeling of needing to go. I was gobsmacked honestly. He gave us a plan to follow and it was sorted in about 2 weeks. The plan was quite simple to be honest. It was sitting on the toilet for at least 15 minutes after every meal with something to support his feet and daily dose of laxatives. He’s completely fine now.

All I can do is repeating he isn’t constipated. I think pumping a child who shows no sign of being constipated and who the GP has confirmed isn’t constipated full of Lactulose is a recipe for absolute disaster. If I sound sharp I’m sorry but it is frustrating when you say repeatedly ‘he is not constipated’ and people insist he is.

He is not remotely bothered by accidents. That’s frustrating as well. Sometimes he laughs when you’re cleaning him up which is infuriating. I do know enough about children to know that laughter doesn’t necessarily mean finding something funny but it’s still absolutely infuriating.

I am at an absolute loss by now. I haven’t been massively impressed by the school thus far but it’s very early days and I’m probably expecting too much.

I only mentioned it because I also was adamant son wasn’t constipated and the gp also said he wasn’t. The paediatric gastroenterologist I paid privately to see examined him and said he had been for a while with a high blockage which was very surprising news to me because his stools looked normal. He just couldn’t control when they came because he’d lost the sensation.