Made DD cry about brushing her teeth

[Iamtheteethpolice]

Feel terrible and currently crying.

DD has never been great with teeth brushing, and goes through phases of being better some times than others.

The last few weeks, she's refused so we're averaging once every 2 or 3 days which is simply no where near enough.

I suspect PDA, and feel like I've tried everything:
-10 x different flavours of fruit and mild mint toothpastes and new exciting toothbrushes
-a song she really likes to dance to as her tooth brush song
-I've told her in no uncertain terms her teeth WILL rot if she doesn't brush them, and explained all about tooth decay etc etc
-have said I'll ask her headteacher to have a word with her to reiterate what I've said about why teeth brushing is just so important
-have said she can't go to friends party at end of Sept as there will sweets there and she definitely needs to be better at brushing her teeth to go. I hate threatening but I did, repeatedly ('I will call so and sos mum now and tell her you can't go' arrghhh!!)

Tried to bring dentist appt forward from Nov till now, but they don't have anything.

When she does brush it's very light and only does a little I'd imagine to stave off tartar.

Feel terrible as twice over the last week I've pinned her down and brushed them for her. She was semi laughing until the end, so I stopped when it turned, but.. that's not good..it feels so wrong!
Afterwards, it ended up with me sitting on the floor half crying, showing her pictures of children with rotten teeth I found online. She then burst into tears and asked why I'd shown her that. And I said I didn't know how else to explain it to her.
Feel like an abject failure and terrible mum for making her cry.
She can't explain why she doesn't like it or why she doesn't do it more. She said originally about the toothpaste flavour, that's why I've bought so many. She seems to like the latest berry one.

Makes me more sad as DH is working and we've had a lovely day together. Because of the way I was, she said it was the 'worst day ever' - I know she says that very, very occasionally, but it stung more this time.

Does anyone have any help/advice/experience of this? Everything online seems to be about 2 year olds refusing to brush.

@Iamtheteethpoliceyour dd sounds much like mine. She has always hated brushing her teeth, and is still resistant now at 11. We tried loads of toothpastes, she liked Aquakids strawberry for ages, but will now use a mint one. Oranurse is flavourless but it also doesn’t foam and dd found it too odd to use. There was no ‘one thing’ that magically made a difference. Just persistence, trying stuff and using the things that worked until they didn’t, and her getting older. She still doesn’t necessarily brush brilliantly, but does it twice a day and it’s rare that there isn’t any brushing.
Getting her to have a shower and hair wash is another thing mind!

Our dentist said that a good brushing habit was more important than using toothpaste. So for several years we brushed dd's teeth with a dry toothbrush, until she was ready to try toothpaste again at about 10yo.

I used to sit on the loo and dd would stand between my legs facing away from me. She could lean on me if she wanted. I would gently wrap my arms around her and get her to lean her head back on my chest (as she grew taller she meant her head on my shoulder, cheek to cheek with me). Then I brushed her teeth for her. Either silently, or chatting, or narrating, or singing to her; whatever she wanted.

We also kept toothbrushes by every sink in the house, so that we could brush dd's teeth wherever and whenever. Occasionally she would ask to brush her teeth after eating - if the moment was right for dd, we took it, regardless of whether it was a 'normal' toothbrushing time.

Dd has healthy teeth and gums, with no fillings. At 23 she still uses Punch and Judy toothpaste - I don't remember which flavour, she orders it herself.

If she is PDA then you need very different strategies.

My 6 year old is PDA and does not like brushing her teeth although I’ve rarely had a day where she hasn’t brushed her teeth twice. Although I am fortunate that I realised her needs/profile when she was 4 so we don’t have a traumatic tooth history!

So I do a combination of informing of why we brush her teeth. Telling a story (helps if it is real) about the consequences of not brushing teeth is good - but do it subtly. Maybe just let her over hear you telling someone else the story (my elder child’s friend did have to have several teeth removed so I used that story).

Secondly I would empathise with her “I don’t like brushing my teeth either, it is a bit boring”

Also make it fun (we sing a range of songs about sugar bugs etc) We went through a phase of pretending her toothbrush was a crocodile she needed to tame.
You need to be constantly inventive with a pda child. Nothing works for long!

we also have different levels of brushing eg “level 3” is a full two minutes, level 1 is a token brush for days when it’s all too much!

i once said “oh are you not brushing your teeth tonight” and she said “oh yes I will”. Or she might say “I’ll do a level 1 tonight” and I might say “ok, but I’d maybe do a level 2 if you can as you had that chocolate”

So if she is PDA you want to aim to reduce anxiety by reducing pressure and making it fun. You’ll need to consider sensory things too - type of toothbrush, taste of paste etc…

but if she’s not PDA though, crack on with the no sweets etc and enjoy a simpler toothbrushing journey to mine!

Wow, so you’d never pin your child down? Even if they needed injections or a cannula for medicine at a hospital and were uncooperative? You’d just say ‘oh sorry, I’m a responsible parent so I won’t help pin her down for her IV antibiotics, never mind’

sometimes, parents have to do it because it’s what their child needs to happen. Awful that you would judge for this just because you’ve been lucky enough to never been in this situation…

With my ten year old PDAer - sugar bugs didn’t work..but today rhe sugar fairies did…so this evening the sugar fairies had to go on their way to other children’s teeth and they travelled through water… (you do develop an amazing imagination with a PDA child!). In total there were 4 fairies Frog Sugar Fairy , Beany Sugar Fairy etc etc you really need to think on the hop. Today the demand of brushing teeth was too much so I brushed their teeth for them telling this story.

there will be other days where they’ll go up brush their teeth. It just depends.

But honestly try games and fun…

You've done amazing and sometimes you have to do some hard things to do the right thing.
You totally did the right thing showing her those pictures.
Im all for letting things slide if its no skin off my nose so to speak, but when something has long term health impacts like potentially rotten teeth you gotta do what you gotta do. Well done and stay strong, you are an amazing Mum 👏

xylitol sweets/gum/whatever she will have is good too after meals, there’s loads of google research on it
just thinking in the meantime while you’re struggling

Apologies if anyone else has suggested. Read through and didn’t see
The child friendly themed toothbrushes that play a tune when pressure is applied ( heard by the user) are recommended if it’s a sensory need or where there’s avoidance. Often found in B & M.
A PDA strategy would be have 2 with different tunes and say which tune tonight?
The silicone finger brushes also work well.
Our DD used Milk Teeth toothpaste til late teens.

You’re not terrible at all. It’s very challenging dealing with this type of thing, I also had an ardent tooth brushing refuser and I would fine one thing would work for a while and then I would need to change tactics, the following is what I remember doing.

Using an app on my phone about tooth brushing.
Getting him a battery operated toothbrush,
Having many toothpastes to choose from.
Getting him to brush and then let me brush for a bit.
Playing a game where I brushed away all the different things he ate that day - spot of cereal there, a bit of egg. Then silly things like mud or coal and stuff.
The dentist reassured me that it was more about the habit and less about getting that particular brushing done. So getting the brush in his mouth, even with no toothpaste for a bit is a win. Making it horrible means that next time it will be even harder to persuade him to do it.

At seven I think I’d try a star chart with a prize on Sundays if they can get a streak of stars,

I think the pictures thing is fine. What really persuaded my guy at the end was my dad showing him his false teeth. But I would try that kind of thing during the day, not at brushing time - which is a fun, non stressful time.

Good luck. My little guy just turned 10 and brushes his teeth no problem now. But it was years of drama about it.

Just back right off and tell her to only brush the teeth she’d like to keep..

Toothbrushing isn't negotiable. As you have pointed out, not brushing is going to result in extremely painful rotting teeth and a lifetime of problems.

It doesn't matter how much she cries or how upset it makes her. It will be a lot less than the upset of being put under general anaesthetic for multiple tooth removal at 8, needing fillings at root canals at 10, feeling like the ugliest girl in the class with brown and missing teeth at 14 and turning and asking you why you let this happen at 23.