Made DD cry about brushing her teeth

[Iamtheteethpolice]

Feel terrible and currently crying.

DD has never been great with teeth brushing, and goes through phases of being better some times than others.

The last few weeks, she's refused so we're averaging once every 2 or 3 days which is simply no where near enough.

I suspect PDA, and feel like I've tried everything:
-10 x different flavours of fruit and mild mint toothpastes and new exciting toothbrushes
-a song she really likes to dance to as her tooth brush song
-I've told her in no uncertain terms her teeth WILL rot if she doesn't brush them, and explained all about tooth decay etc etc
-have said I'll ask her headteacher to have a word with her to reiterate what I've said about why teeth brushing is just so important
-have said she can't go to friends party at end of Sept as there will sweets there and she definitely needs to be better at brushing her teeth to go. I hate threatening but I did, repeatedly ('I will call so and sos mum now and tell her you can't go' arrghhh!!)

Tried to bring dentist appt forward from Nov till now, but they don't have anything.

When she does brush it's very light and only does a little I'd imagine to stave off tartar.

Feel terrible as twice over the last week I've pinned her down and brushed them for her. She was semi laughing until the end, so I stopped when it turned, but.. that's not good..it feels so wrong!
Afterwards, it ended up with me sitting on the floor half crying, showing her pictures of children with rotten teeth I found online. She then burst into tears and asked why I'd shown her that. And I said I didn't know how else to explain it to her.
Feel like an abject failure and terrible mum for making her cry.
She can't explain why she doesn't like it or why she doesn't do it more. She said originally about the toothpaste flavour, that's why I've bought so many. She seems to like the latest berry one.

Makes me more sad as DH is working and we've had a lovely day together. Because of the way I was, she said it was the 'worst day ever' - I know she says that very, very occasionally, but it stung more this time.

Does anyone have any help/advice/experience of this? Everything online seems to be about 2 year olds refusing to brush.

Forgot to say she's 7

No sweets, no cakes, etc no juices, just water. She will soon change her mind, and you need to be consistent.

It's ok. Sometimes it's hard and we have to just get shit done. Sometimes all the singing, dancing, game playing etc etc etc doesn't work....in my case it can make things worse. It just has to be got on with.

Teeth and washing is a flashpoint In our house, it has been known for me to end up in the shower (fully clothed) with DD8 just to wash off soap as it's has turned so quickly.

Thank you Violet - I'll try that from tomorrow.

Try oranurse toothpaste it's completely flavour free.

This. She'll soon change her tune. If she won't do it and you've laid it out plainly what will happen if she doesn't, then I would pin her down like a toddler and brush them for her. Don't be deterred by her crying. She'll cry a lot longer when she has painful cavities and needs fillings.

Thanks Cowcube - I've just been reading a book about connecting with children and them having trust in us and then lo and behold, I'm pinning her down!
actually, I've put DD in the shower in her PE kit twice, as she refuses to have a shower for 2 days. She thought it was funny actually.

She's such a lovely girl, very, very well behaved at school, and has great empathy. But there's a lot she refuses at home, regardless of my strategy/approach!

You’re not a failure at all. You needed to show her the impact of not brushing her teeth. I agree with the above post about no sugar if she won’t brush. I think I was still brushing my kids teeth at 7- is she better if it’s you doing it or her or just hates it either way. Unfortunately she’s going to have to find a way to get through it because like you said her teeth will rot

I see you've already tried fruit flavour toothpaste, which I would have suggested as that's the only thing my dd will use.

My dd has a (themed) electric toothbrush which she really prefers, have you tried one of those? I didn't think she'd like it because I hate the judderiness of them myself, but she prefers it... Ithink the steady loud noise of it kind of stifles the sensory feelings of the wet brushiness for her.

Anything is worth a try at this point

Thank you balls, I'll try and find that one. Thanks balloon, surely forcing her by holding her down is not great?! I just so horrible when I did it, but exactly - thought it was better than her having holes in her teeth..

Your dd sounds a lot like mine from this update!

Just brush them for her. Have you tried a flavourless toothpaste like oral nurse. Try to seek the rest of the sensory experience positive for her, that will depends on what she prefers, maybe low lighting and listening to a podcast.

Have you tried changing the toothbrush itself? I can't stand anything other than a hard brush, it feels beyond wrong and I'd rather spend a day scouring town looking for one rather than brush my teeth with anything else.

I dont think you've done anything wrong.

I agree with the no sweets until she brushes her teeth. Calm, no anger, thats just the rule because you care about her teeth.

Thanks 3pears that's kind. It's just horrible when it's last thing before they go to bed isn't it.
she hates it both ways (me or her doing it).
Thanks mum, her latest toothbrush is electric minions, which she likes (to look at, clearly)

Juice is the worst for teeth, keep it for the odd occasion like a party. Dry fruit also bad for teeth (raisins for example).
Try and help through the diet as well although there us no substitute for poor teeth brushing.
Don't feel too bad. This is a very important habit for the rest of her life and she simply has to do it one way or another.
Have you tried different toothbrushes? Curaprox are very good.
Brushing your teeth together?
Brushing in the shower?
Have you tried those disclosing (not sure of spelling) tablets? On both of you to show her the difference.
And praise, praise every tiny bit of progress.
Do you have a dog to demonstrate a different kind of teeth brushing?

Sounds hard @Iamtheteethpolice 😬

It’s a complete non-negotiable in our house. If teeth aren’t being brushed properly then there’s no sweets, juice, cake, fruit etc - it’s 3 meals and water. Can’t be snacking if the teeth aren’t being looked after properly. DS soon realised I wasn’t playing 🙈 He’s a good bit younger though so I dare say you’ll need to work a bit harder 🙈

Have you tried the disclosing tablets? After she’s brushed can you give her one and let her see how much she’s missing by doing such a poor attempt? Remind her just how sore cavities can be

That's interesting! Has anything worked for you in particular Mumoftwo?

Oh please don’t feel like a failure - you’re absolutely not. Lots of us on the SEN board have been through similar with everyday things like brushing teeth, washing hair, getting dressed, etc. If your DD has PDA, then what you’re describing makes total sense - it’s not that she doesn’t understand, it’s that the demand itself feels overwhelming for her.

A few things that sometimes help: letting them have total control (picking brush, toothpaste, when they do it), making it playful (sugar bug hunts, spy missions), or even brushing alongside them so it feels less like being told and more like a joint activity. On really tough days, even a quick swish with water or using a dental wipe is better than nothing.

Please don’t beat yourself up about pinning her down - most of us have reached breaking point at some stage and done things we regret. What matters is you’ve recognised it’s not the way forward and are looking for other ideas. You’re a caring mum and it really shines through your post.

If you can, pop this on the SEN board - you’ll find lots of parents who get it and can share what’s worked for them. You’re definitely not alone in this. ❤️

Yes I posted upthread, fruit toothpaste and a themed electric toothbrush.

I also once (briefly) showed dd a photo of tooth decay, but because she insisted on seeing it as she thought I'd made it up. It didn't help at the time. That was before I'd discovered the strawberry toothpaste

I pin my 2yo down every single day to brush his teeth. It's a none negotiable and he won't let me do them so I have no choice. I have tried EVERYTHING to get him to sit and just let me brush them. Nothing works. So I pin him. My best friend put it into perspective for me, her DD is disabled, angelman syndrome, so she has to pin her every day to brush her teeth, she wraps her full body in a towel and pins her between her legs. Like she said "I am responsible for her health and wellbeing even if she doesn't understand". Since then I've never felt bad doing what needs to be done to keep them clean.

Agree with PP to take away all sugary treats until she learns to accept the brushing x

My son has ASD and ADHD and battles with me over teeth brushing. We've never gone a night without them being brushed (bar the odd occasion he's fallen asleep in the car and I don't dare wake him up!). I've spent an hour trying to get him to brush before, probably longer. The key for me is to never, ever let him go to bed without brushing. He has got a lot better because he knows no bed, no stories, no cuddles until his teeth are brushed. Once you give in they know they'll get away with it 50% of the time so may as well kick up a fuss!

A 2yo is very different from a 7yo.

You can pin a 2yo down, we've all done that. If you pin a 7yo down you have to use actual violence because they are strong enough to fight back properly. It's just not the same and so explaining what you do with your 2yo is not useful

I’ve no advice as it seems like you’re already doing everything I would have suggested. Just wanted to say try not to be too hard on yourself, you sound like a lovely mum who clearly cares about her DD a lot! This too shall pass 🙂

Bit harsh but okay.

I was just trying to tell the OP she wasn't alone in her decision. I will continue to pin my DS even when he's 7 if he still refuses.
And I did say I agreed with other PP, because her DD is older she will understand the consequence of no brushing=no sugar.