Boyfriend won’t accept help- but it’s me who needs it!

[Tyler4689]

So we have a six week old baby who we are completely besotted by and in love with, but as we all know, parenting newborns is HARD!

Just going to lay out some context…

I have a busy, fun, stressful, sociable job, and I am finding the adjustment from that life to maternity leave very difficult. I miss work. I love being at home with my baby and the slower pace of life, but I do miss being productive.

My boyfriend works 8-4.30 and I am very lucky that he also does a lot around the house. He does the food shop and plans out our meals, cooks and cleans up. Also does a lot of laundry and changing bedding etc. He’s generally really supportive and amazing and I am very lucky.

He is fab with the baby but ultimately it is me who is with the baby ALL day. It just feels like there’s no break from feeding, winding, settling. I love my baby but it is relentless isn’t it?

At night time, I go to bed around 9/10pm and my boyfriend stays up with the baby until 1/2am and we swap over. So I get around 3-4 hours uninterrupted sleep in bed. But then I’m up from 1/2am feeding, winding, settling, napping on the couch, then it all starts again an hour later. My boyfriend sleeps uninterrupted from 1/2am until he is up for work at 7.30am, so he gets 6-7 hours uninterrupted sleep, which he needs to be able to focus at work.

So that’s it for context, now onto my problem. My parents live abroad and work full time, came to stay for a week when baby was first born and that was great, but they aren’t constantly on hand.
His parents live around the corner. He has a great relationship with them. They’ve always got on brilliantly. They are fab. And they want to help. They are so keen to help! They come round a couple of times a week for cuddles and just to enjoy the baby, which is great. His mum keeps offering to babysit to give us a break and my boyfriend just won’t accept. He keeps saying to me that he wants to prove to them we can do it on our own, we don’t need the help etc. But I feel like I really need the help! As I am the one with the baby ALL the time. His mum has offered to have the baby overnight for us (she said she could stay at ours or take him to hers, she’s easy) and do all the night feeds so we can get a good nights sleep. He has declined. But I want this SO BADLY! I am struggling with lack of sleep and would love so much if she could stay over for a night and help out, but he won’t have it. She has offered to take him for the whole day this Sunday so we can have a break, chill at home together, cook a meal without interruption, have a nap together, go out baby-free etc. I was so excited when she offered as I would LOVE this to just have a break from being with the baby all the time. But he has said no. He doesn’t feel we need it, wants to show them we can do this. I keep saying there is no harm in asking for help, but he just doesn’t seem to get where I’m coming from. He may not feel he needs it, but I do!
He is massively understanding of my feelings and if I ever get overwhelmed with the baby he takes him and sorts him, he definitely doesn’t leave all the hard work to me. But I think what I crave is just a day or a night with my boyfriend, without one of us having to worry about the baby.

Any suggestions on how I can navigate this? Or do I just suck it up and accept that I’m a mum now and this is how life is? It just feels frustrating when help is being offered and we’re not taking it!

Can you suggest to him that you get the "day off" on Sunday and he looks after the baby all day while you have a lie in, meet a friend for a coffee etc? It's fine if he wants to refuse PIL's lovely offer, but YOU need a break, so if he doesn't want to say yes to them, he'll have to step up himself!

Oh sweetheart, bless you. What a lovely post.

Have you said to him, directly: I really want your mum's help. I would love to have a night's sleep. Instead of just there's no harm in it, saying clearly that you want it?

It's completely normal to help look after small babies. That's what families are for, literally.

It’s a hard one because you both need to agree really and he doesn’t- especially as it’s his parents. Could you try and talk to him, tell him exactly as you have here?

Tell him it's all very nice him declining the babysitting, with his 7 hours of sleep a night and zero day time parenting, but he will not be dictating your time.

Don't feel grateful that he's doing his share of housework, that's a bare minimum thing.
He steps up and parents while you sleep/go out, or his mother does it. Those are his choices.

The problem with the chores he does I.e. cooking, cleaning, diaper changes is that they are very specific with a very immediate, satisfying result. Which makes them MUCH easier than just settling a baby.

The relentlessness of being alone with a newborn day in, day out, can only be understood once you've done it.

Leave him with the baby. Don't prep the bottles, the outfits etc. Just leave. And Don't come back for 10 hours. Do that both Saturday and Sunday.

Unless you're breastfeeding of course. If you're BF, then you're stuck and it's tough shit until weaning.

I sort of get where he is coming from because at 6 weeks I don’t think I would have left baby for a whole day with someone else just to chill with DH. I would however have accepted help eg someone coming over during the week to let me sleep for a few hours during the day. If he doesn’t want any help then on the weekend you should be the one with 2 nights of uninterrupted sleep and also be able to have some time off to relax while he looks after baby.

I'd tell DH sometimes you are so tired you feel like a zombie after so little sleep. I'd just say it is so kind of mil to offer you to get some sleep. Tell DH is he doesn't accept his Mum's kind offer he will have to care for baby. Ask mil if you can sleep over at her house and sleep as much as you can.

Give him the baby for a whole day.

Going to work is so much easier than looking after a baby all day. Relentless, exhausting and lonely and boring.

Also, is there anything stopping you from texting your MIL to say you’d love to accept some help and maybe discuss a middle ground where she can come for a few hours and let you nap or just have some company?

You need to tell him, no hinting, I want your mum to help because I am not ok and his feelings don’t trump the fact you’re exhausted and want help and he’s allowing you to be drained and feel unwell instead of accepting the offer.

Or he can look after baby all Sunday and leave you alone. But you won’t be just stumping it and carrying on for his ego to feel good.

Give him the baby for a whole day.

Yes, this.

Tell him on Sunday that you're feeling very unwell and need to stay in bed all day. Tell him you don't want the baby to catch it, so he mustn't bring the baby in to you.

See how quickly he then changes his mind about his mother's offer.

Go to his mother’s on Friday. And sleep there overnight and stay there til Sunday at 8pm. Have a lovely restful weekend. And see how he likes being the parent full time.

He doesn't get to say no for you
If it's something you want then a compromise needs to be reached.
It's also ridiculous for him to say no if it won't affect him because it's you who be getting the unbroken sleep time that he already gets.
You say he's a lovely supportive man but this does not seem lovely and supportive to me. He's basically trying to prove a point to his parents at your expense.

Text her, he doesn't get to decide what you do 8am-4:30pm (or any other time for that matter).
And as others have said, make him look after the baby Fri 4:30pm to Mon 8am... Bet he'll call his mum for help by Saturday noon.

Agree. He can do full day then

Why does he still feel the need to prove himself to his parents? He's not 5.

Also presumably you moved close to his parents so they could help with child rearing?

He’s also doing his mother a disservice… she clearly really wants to help! And when it’s not your baby and you don’t have the constant relentlessness, it’s really lovely and bonding having uninterrupted time with the baby, even if it is hard, you get to know it’s temporary. She’d love it, I’m sure. And would like to do it for you.

That said, while I think you should definitely accept the help - and I would have killed to have that offer! I would say it’ll be a nice break but then it’s right back to it… it won’t just fix everything you’re feeling. There is a relentlessness to the newborn stage that doesn’t go away even with breaks. You do a little bit need to accept that this is how the first year is and that’s why you have mat leave. It’s not forever and like you I loved going back to work - even if I didn’t think I would at the time. It sounds like you’re doing really well and I hope you get to have your break - but don’t pin everything on it emotionally - it’s a marathon not a sprint!

If this was a DF saying he wanted his DM to have the baby overnight at six weeks old against the DM's wishes he'd get his arse handed to him on here.

That's a bit different though. Typically in your scenario it would be against the mum's wishes because she didn't want to be parted from her 6 week baby overnight, which of course she shouldn't be forced to do. Whereas this situation that doesn't seem to be his reason, it seems to be more about him being too proud to accept the help.

For me, you can't force him to use his parents - their relationship/dynamic/history is something you cannot just change.

I have a similar but less exaggerated situation in my marriage where my partner is much more willing to seek help from their parents, whereas these days (due to a whole range of past experiences) I would desperately try and avoid asking for help, even though I have a great and happy relationship with my family.

But, it is on him to then look at alternatives.

The alternative cannot be that you burn yourself out - if he won't (fair enough) ask his parents, what will he do instead?

Do more himself? Pay someone, a nanny etc?

He needs to come up with an alternative.

This. However, you want to rest OP so he needs to look after baby solo this weekend so you can.

Thanks so much all for your replies!!!

One thing to just point out to a few people who have said things like “just go out for the day and leave him with the baby” and “let him have the baby for a full day” and “see how he likes being a full time parent” … I musnt have expressed this clearly in my original post but he does do a lot with the baby (when he’s not in work of course). My problem isn’t that I feel like he doesn’t help. One night last week I went to my friends for a takeaway night and he stayed home with the baby, last Sunday me and some of the girls went out for lunch and he was with the baby etc etc. My problem isn’t that I feel like a solo parent and my boyfriend does nothing. My issue is (and I’m prepared to be told I am asking for too much here and need to accept that parenthood changes things) I would love his mum to have the baby for a bit so me and my boyfriend can have some quality time together. In my original post I wrote:
But I think what I crave is just a day or a night with my boyfriend, without one of us having to worry about the baby.
And this is more my thing. He will have the baby and let me nap at weekends etc, I can go out with friends, there is nothing about him that doesn’t want to spend time with the baby, he’s brilliant with him and they love their daddy son time.

Im going to take on board the advice some of you have about properly talking to him and explaining how I feel, up until now I’ve just sort of loosely said “I really think we should take your mum up on her offer you know” or “I do think it would be nice for us to have a few hours to ourselves” but what I really need to do is sit him down and tell him exactly what I’ve said here, and how helpful I would find it! He’s brilliant and understanding so I do think if I properly spell out how I feel about it, he might be more likely to accept the help, once he realises how much I feel I need it!

Thank you so much for a lovely message 🥰

It does sound like you've got a great husband and your baby has a great father @Tyler4689

Reading your post makes such a nice change from all the ones we read on here about abuse and men who are deadbeats.

I think like you just really need to sit him down and spell it out to him.

Thank you so much- that’s a lovely message! I am very lucky to have him (and he knows he’s lucky to have me!!!)

I agree, you read on here about so many useless men, and I have a couple of friends where the dads don’t lift a finger…one has four children and she combi fed but told me recently that her husband has never done a single feed for any of his children!

Im going to have a good chat with my boyfriend tonight and let him know how I feel about the situation :)

as long as his parents are good people he doesn’t get to outvote you here.