Boyfriend won’t accept help- but it’s me who needs it!

[Tyler4689]

So we have a six week old baby who we are completely besotted by and in love with, but as we all know, parenting newborns is HARD!

Just going to lay out some context…

I have a busy, fun, stressful, sociable job, and I am finding the adjustment from that life to maternity leave very difficult. I miss work. I love being at home with my baby and the slower pace of life, but I do miss being productive.

My boyfriend works 8-4.30 and I am very lucky that he also does a lot around the house. He does the food shop and plans out our meals, cooks and cleans up. Also does a lot of laundry and changing bedding etc. He’s generally really supportive and amazing and I am very lucky.

He is fab with the baby but ultimately it is me who is with the baby ALL day. It just feels like there’s no break from feeding, winding, settling. I love my baby but it is relentless isn’t it?

At night time, I go to bed around 9/10pm and my boyfriend stays up with the baby until 1/2am and we swap over. So I get around 3-4 hours uninterrupted sleep in bed. But then I’m up from 1/2am feeding, winding, settling, napping on the couch, then it all starts again an hour later. My boyfriend sleeps uninterrupted from 1/2am until he is up for work at 7.30am, so he gets 6-7 hours uninterrupted sleep, which he needs to be able to focus at work.

So that’s it for context, now onto my problem. My parents live abroad and work full time, came to stay for a week when baby was first born and that was great, but they aren’t constantly on hand.
His parents live around the corner. He has a great relationship with them. They’ve always got on brilliantly. They are fab. And they want to help. They are so keen to help! They come round a couple of times a week for cuddles and just to enjoy the baby, which is great. His mum keeps offering to babysit to give us a break and my boyfriend just won’t accept. He keeps saying to me that he wants to prove to them we can do it on our own, we don’t need the help etc. But I feel like I really need the help! As I am the one with the baby ALL the time. His mum has offered to have the baby overnight for us (she said she could stay at ours or take him to hers, she’s easy) and do all the night feeds so we can get a good nights sleep. He has declined. But I want this SO BADLY! I am struggling with lack of sleep and would love so much if she could stay over for a night and help out, but he won’t have it. She has offered to take him for the whole day this Sunday so we can have a break, chill at home together, cook a meal without interruption, have a nap together, go out baby-free etc. I was so excited when she offered as I would LOVE this to just have a break from being with the baby all the time. But he has said no. He doesn’t feel we need it, wants to show them we can do this. I keep saying there is no harm in asking for help, but he just doesn’t seem to get where I’m coming from. He may not feel he needs it, but I do!
He is massively understanding of my feelings and if I ever get overwhelmed with the baby he takes him and sorts him, he definitely doesn’t leave all the hard work to me. But I think what I crave is just a day or a night with my boyfriend, without one of us having to worry about the baby.

Any suggestions on how I can navigate this? Or do I just suck it up and accept that I’m a mum now and this is how life is? It just feels frustrating when help is being offered and we’re not taking it!

I'll admit your boyfriend saying he doesn't want to accept help because he needs to prove to his parents that you don't need it, is sending all sort of alarm bells ringing for me. Most people don't feel they need to prove things to their parents; they rely on unconditional love and support.

It's very common for adults to re-evaluate their relationship with their own parents through a different lens once they have children of their own. I do wonder if having your newborn has made your boyfriend think differently about his own, or more likely cement feelings he may have previously had.

Whether, I'm right or wrong, I think you need a proper talk about why he doesn't want to leave your baby with his parents. He may not even know why himself, just have a strong visceral response against it. Trust his reactions.

Only one thing to add here. I remember my own husband having this same thing of "we need to show we can do it ourselves" and not wanting my parents help with our youngest (now 18). My argument back was 1. You don't get to decide what help I need and 2. Actually, this first newborn bit is the hardest bit of all with no sleep. "Doing it" is a lifetime of parenting, with this newborn stage it's just about surviving it. He got over it, somewhat reluctantly. But was totally different with our next 2 kids as babies... took any help we were offered then! So genuinely, some of this seems to be learning and building his own confidence in parenting. And that the best parents also prioritise their own physical and mental health.

Lots of good advice on this thread. Just to add, on your point about craving time just you and your bf - this is a normal process of grief and adjustment. It a huge change becoming a parent. You will very rarely get that time again until your youngest child (if you have more than one) is about 15. You do get more used to it, but there is a sadness. Your relationship does change and time where you’re close together does wax and wane over time and wax again while parenting.

Definitely try to get him to accept the help, but also be kind to yourself as you go through this psychological adjustment it parenthood. It’s a huge evolution of self.