Child doing way too many extracurriculars - how to handle?

[AlllllllTheUsernames]

How would you handle this?

I'm a music teacher (and, so you know that I get it with kids wanting to do stuff, also the parent of a kid who does a lot of music).

I'm wondering how best to deal with with a 9yo student who is doing way too many things, very shallowly engaged with all of them, who is very bumptious about her own level of achievement in everything, and whose parents keep pushing and pushing and pushing for more things and higher achievement.

I teach this kid music, and I tutor her in English. I am also good friends with her three other music teachers, so I get them moaning to me about her frequently. I am trying to be a good friend to this kid, and her parents, but I'm struggling.

She is a high achiever at school and definitely doesn't need tutoring. Outside school each week, she does two different sessions each of English and maths tutoring, seven sports, ballet, singing, music theory, two instruments (one with three different teachers), church... Parents are pushy around things like exams: she always has to be doing a grade higher than her friends.

Pretty much every time I see her she makes obnoxious comments about how much better and further ahead she is than everyone else at everything. She has a put-down for all the other kids in the group music class. Parents keep telling her to work harder and always have stories about how she pushed herself and got 100% or shock, horror, didn't push herself and only got 98% and how they are VERY disappointed in her. Mother talks a lot about how she did everything available when she was young, and how pleased she is that her daughter is taking up all the opportunities on offer and doing SO WELL at all of them.

The thing is, daughter isn't actually doing that well at any of the academic or musical things that I see. In music and English her engagement is very shallow, she has to be taught things over and over and over again, she has no obvious interest or depth of engagement at all with music, and obnoxiously states that listening to music isn't getting good at it and passing exams, so she doesn't know why anyone would waste their time on it (this is directed at me, because i suggest recordings to listen to every week).

Parents can't work out why her music teachers aren't over the moon about her, and why there is pushback to her doing two exams a year in each instrument.
Mother honestly seems to think daughter is about Grade 6-7 level in both instruments, theory and singing, but daughter would be pushing it to pass a Grade 3 exam on instruments and a grade 1 exam in singing and theory.

I'm honestly getting sick of this kid derailing my music class and being so bumptious to the other kids. Parents' total lack of insight on it all is driving me nuts. I've tried talking to them but got nowhere.

What would you do???

The first thing I think you need to do is take a breath and a big step back. I'm not entirely sure that this is yours to 'handle' is it?

Act like the professional you are.

1. Stop blaming the child for how she is being raised.
2. Stop taking it all so personally.
3. Recognise that there is a lot to celebrate here - a child is being supported by her family to work hard and try to be successful in a subject you teach.
4. Definitely stop participating in bitching sessions about this poor child to her other teachers ("I am also good friends with her three other music teachers, so I get them moaning to me about her frequently.")
5. It does sound as though the family don't have a good understanding of how we learn, and the value of effort and broad understanding. If you genuinely would like to help this family, as a professional, you tell them that. In a clear, factual way. Without blame. "It might seem like a good thing to race through the grades in 13 different instruments all at once, but actually it is a much more solid foundation to learn 2 instuments really well at this age. This will support her to diversify as she gets older. Our aim at this age is to cultivate a deep love of music and a strong foundational knowledge blah blah blah" (I don't know, I'm not a music teacher - add in your own calm and factual explanation why what they are doing is not ideal.) They have come to you for your professional expertise. They need you because they are not music teachers themselves. So - do your job and help them learn whatever you teach in the best way.

Thankyou for the reminder that I need to step back a bit here.

I've been telling the parents that for the daughter to have deep engagement with any one thing, she probably needs more time to engage, and more breadth of exposure. I have said that this will help with school results in e.g. English, and in music, particularly in the ability to pass exams. I've politely given suggestions every week, in both the English tutoring and the music class, of what this kind of engagement might look like; I've made it homework (homework very rarely attempted, let alone completed; or if attempted, at an age-inappropriate level, and then requires multiple weeks to be turned in... other kids just do it and return it before the next lesson).

I don't bitch with the other teachers - they talk to me because I'm seeing them all the time, and because I'm the closest to the kid - so they're asking me why this kid who is obviously talented is doing so little in their subject. I point out she's doing a lot, overstretched, and that the family currency is "does everything", which is incompatible with her having enough brain space to engage.

I feel like I need to change my approach, as the constant obnoxiousness is getting me down, and it's really getting the other students in the group class down. "Stop taking it personally" is exactly what I need to do, but I need a mental reset somehow, to make that possible.

The dismay I feel here is partly because the parents' stories about their daughter's achievements are very tone-deaf in the context of the other families in the group class. All the tales of 100%s and disappointed with 98%s and yet another sport etc. are said loudly over the top of other parents who are talking about their kids who struggle with dyslexia, autism & ADHD, dyspraxia, school attendance, etc. and for whom the only bright spot of the week is this music class. The other kids in the class spend the rest of the week being put down constantly at school... so I'm trying to make this their happy place, and (from what they and their parents say) generally succeeding. Thus the derailments worry me.

I think it will naturally sort itself out. You can be average at extra curriculars when you are little but when they get older it’s obvious that some kids are better at it than others.

I grew up with two kids who did loads and loads of stuff like this and they are well adjusted outgoing adults.

Sometimes it's hard to have perspective on a situation that you're close to and finding frustrating. Fair play to you for realising that and for seeking advice.

They do sound like hard work. Some kids are, and (more often) some parents are. We would go insane if we tried to shoulder all of their nonsense.

How do you think they would respond if you were a bit more hardline about knowing best how to learn your subject? Do you feel able to push back more firmly, while still being polite?

Or, alternatively, for your own sanity - maybe you just need to shrug and let this one go. Think about the things you can control and the things you can't, and go from there?

You need to deal with her behaviour in your group class. That should be your focus. Or boot her out if she can’t stop interrupting.

Her doing less classes isn’t going to rectify how she speaks to other children.

I'm more bemused as to how she has time for all of this

two different sessions each of English and maths tutoring, seven sports, ballet, singing, music theory, two instruments

I mean, seven sports?

If you assume an hour each, that 26 hours minimum of extra activities. Plus travel time for each, I can't work out the logistics of how she has time for this around school? Unless you're exaggerating a little for effect...what 7 sports would any child be taking part in?

I'm not anti extra curriculars when I say this (and know a child similarly bumptious about her own abilities in things and get how annoying it is) as we have a very busy schedule with our lot.

How does she have time for all this? 7 sports, ballet, singing, two instruments & mutiple music classes + school? Does the child not sleep? Surely this is a major exaggeration

So she’s disruptive. It doesn’t matter that it’s not typical disruption. I’d speak to the child and ask her to stop with the put downs, tells her it’s unkind and you will not allow it. Be specific ‘when you said X to Y it really
hurt her feelings, we are supportive of our friends. I’d love to hear you say ‘oh wow X that sounds great’

if she doesn’t stop call in the parents and address the obnoxious comments.

You’re doing her a disservice by allowing it to continue. she needs to be taught humility and it is not coming from home.

Stop being a friend to this kid. Your not, you are her tutor/teacher.

You've got 2 choices. Take the parents money, do the sessions, give out homework and deal with what comes. Or tell the parents the business arrangement you have with them isn't working, and you will no longer be able to do music and English with her because she isn't engaging.

Small town, everything is 5-10 mins drive away. Parent or nanny to do all the ferrying. One thing before school each day, some things at lunchtimes, 3 things after school, 4 things on Saturdays, 4 things on Sundays (some things happen twice a week). You can see why she barely practises the instruments - I think most of the practice happens in the lessons...

Her (private, prep) school has teams for most? all? of the sports. Swimming, water polo, hockey, soccer, touch football, basketball, tennis.

I am slightly confused you say she is talented but then also say she would struggle to pass a grade 1 exam. Do you do assessments ( I assume that is what the 100% is). Does she actually want to do all the stuff she does or do her parents force her? I agree with poster above you have an option not to continue teaching her, to manage your group so maybe don’t allow parents in the room if you are worried that her parents are causing potential issues for others. I think maybe regular written reports back and highlight that if homework isn’t completed, or resubmitted in an appropriate time tutoring will need to stop.

I do try to do this, gently. She's doing it in full earshot of a parent - they are sitting there in my living room during the class.

She's also not easy to tell off - I told her off for dropping another child's instrument a while back, said that at her age she couldn't really be claiming it was "a mistake" and that she needed to be more careful. She just said she didn't care because it wasn't her instrument. In front of her mother... who said nothing. Gah.

Had to look up the word 'bumptious'. Fabulous word, thanks OP.

Can you contact the school to discuss this? I would assume the poor kid isn't doing homework because she simply doesn't have time for it; also that she is being obnoxious and disruptive at school as well. As she gets older she will have more and more homework and they won't be happy if she never does it. Frankly, if I taught her I'd be really quite concerned that it's inevitable that she is going to crash and burn, and her parents will definitely not handle it well. Maybe some pressure from the school would persuade the parents to back off?

Grade 1 in the subjects she clearly doesn't practise at all outside the one lesson per week. Grade 3 in the subjects that she has more lessons in, which also continue through the holidays.

I think it takes quite a lot of talent to be this overstretched and not just implode, frankly.

Her parents sound like Irene in the 44 Scotland Street series. They won't change.
Personally I would stop tutoring her, she sounds very disruptive.

Address the disruption in the group classes.
the rest you need to let go. At 9 I don’t think it matters how deep her engagement is, I suspect her parents want her to experience many things so she can narrow it down later on. Let the system work naturally because as she gets older and goes through the exams and grades etc she will have to engage more with each topic to attain the grades so it will come good for her in the end whatever topics she follows up.

You sound like you take your job very seriously! I think they’re just kids and your responsibility is to introduce them to music in a positive way and support those that really enjoy it.

Id just tell the parent that shes clearly not making any progress as shes not practicing & that she’s disrupting the rest of the class so you can no longer tutor her.

That makes sense have you told her parents this?

What! It’s got nothing to do with a school what activities a child does out of school. I’ve been a teacher for thirty years. I’d be baffled if a music teacher wanted to liaise with me about a nine year old girl not doing her homework.

This. Or tell them she’s “advanced” beyond group classes and they’ll need to find someone who can tutor her 1-1.

DD used to go to school with a girl whose parents had her in extra curricular activities every day. I remember the girl sadly saying that she never had a day after school where she just went home and did nothing. The poor girl didn't make many friends because she used to boast about her achievement all the time. She also didn't have time for friends. At 25 she still doesn't have many friends.

Everyone needs downtime. It isn't mentally healthy to not have a break.

Is there a cultural element to the parents being so pushy?

This. I thought this was going to be about the OP’s own child.

Mother honestly seems to think daughter is about Grade 6-7 level in both instruments, theory and singing, but daughter would be pushing it to pass a Grade 3 exam on instruments and a grade 1 exam in singing and theory.
Has she actually undertaken any assessments yet? What is her actual achieved grade?