Child doing way too many extracurriculars - how to handle?

[AlllllllTheUsernames]

How would you handle this?

I'm a music teacher (and, so you know that I get it with kids wanting to do stuff, also the parent of a kid who does a lot of music).

I'm wondering how best to deal with with a 9yo student who is doing way too many things, very shallowly engaged with all of them, who is very bumptious about her own level of achievement in everything, and whose parents keep pushing and pushing and pushing for more things and higher achievement.

I teach this kid music, and I tutor her in English. I am also good friends with her three other music teachers, so I get them moaning to me about her frequently. I am trying to be a good friend to this kid, and her parents, but I'm struggling.

She is a high achiever at school and definitely doesn't need tutoring. Outside school each week, she does two different sessions each of English and maths tutoring, seven sports, ballet, singing, music theory, two instruments (one with three different teachers), church... Parents are pushy around things like exams: she always has to be doing a grade higher than her friends.

Pretty much every time I see her she makes obnoxious comments about how much better and further ahead she is than everyone else at everything. She has a put-down for all the other kids in the group music class. Parents keep telling her to work harder and always have stories about how she pushed herself and got 100% or shock, horror, didn't push herself and only got 98% and how they are VERY disappointed in her. Mother talks a lot about how she did everything available when she was young, and how pleased she is that her daughter is taking up all the opportunities on offer and doing SO WELL at all of them.

The thing is, daughter isn't actually doing that well at any of the academic or musical things that I see. In music and English her engagement is very shallow, she has to be taught things over and over and over again, she has no obvious interest or depth of engagement at all with music, and obnoxiously states that listening to music isn't getting good at it and passing exams, so she doesn't know why anyone would waste their time on it (this is directed at me, because i suggest recordings to listen to every week).

Parents can't work out why her music teachers aren't over the moon about her, and why there is pushback to her doing two exams a year in each instrument.
Mother honestly seems to think daughter is about Grade 6-7 level in both instruments, theory and singing, but daughter would be pushing it to pass a Grade 3 exam on instruments and a grade 1 exam in singing and theory.

I'm honestly getting sick of this kid derailing my music class and being so bumptious to the other kids. Parents' total lack of insight on it all is driving me nuts. I've tried talking to them but got nowhere.

What would you do???

are you actually teaching her one or the instruments? I’d be tempted to enter her into an exam and let other kids do better than her.

she sounds exhausting and her parents in particular must be insufferable

I think you need to be firmer on what behaviour you will and won’t accept within the classes, otherwise you risk losing other children because of her behaviour. It’s disappointing that her parents won’t back you up, but it’s your group and if she doesn’t follow the clear roles and behaviours that you have set out then she shouldn’t be taking part.

Surely you just need to have some honest conversations here.

Lizzie - don’t throw Sarah’s instrument on the floor.
I don’t care - it isn’t mine.
This is a music class. If you want to do well in this class the. You must respect musical instruments. (And then looking at mum) Susan - can we have a word after class?

And then talk to mum about this and you cannot accept poor behaviour in the class.

I don’t understand why anyone bothers to listen to music.
Musicality is so important to learning an instrument. You might be able to pass grade 1 - 3 without listening to music but by grade 4 then you will really struggle.

If she doesn’t do the homework then you need to talk to mum about how she is “falling behind” the others. You need to be very very blunt. “Worse case” mum will be horrified at your lack of wonder at her wunderkind and take her out. In which case - problem solved.

What stuck out for me from your OP is that this child is derailing your class. That's not okay and this is what I'd focus on addressing.

Reiterate to the child and her parents what the 'rules' are ie we are kind to each other, the homework feeds into the next lesson so if one child doesn't do it, it disrupts others' learning etc.

Give them a way to choose to leave, ie it seems that X isn''t finding this class very engaging. It may suit her to direct her talent elsewhere.

If it a week or so and if X continues to break the 'rules' be more assertive that this class isn't for her.

It doesn't sound like you're struggling for students and would probably be doing the kid a favour.

I would be bringing her up sharply on every obnoxious comment in class.

Then if that doesn’t work, I’d be telling her parents that her boastful behaviour is causing issues and if it doesn’t improve she will need to leave.

I think you'd be happier without her so you just need to find an appropriate way to tell them.

From what you've said, telling them she's not engaging won't go well (or be accepted).

So I think I'd use something more along the lines that it's clear that your focus is on exam achievement and that your (certainly music) class is about more than that. It is an important therapeutic space for children to explore an area they can excel in when they may not necessarily find other academic areas easy.

Given that you are aware their DD does many other sports and activities, that this isn't the best use of her time or yours and you would recommend a more intense exam focused approach with another teacher (i.e appeal to their ego rather than attempt to tell them she's not doing things as that will get you no where).

You don't need to stop the English tuition as this doesn't sound like it's impacting anyone else? And she may be easier to deal with in smaller doses.

Given the other music teachers may be thinking of doing the same and you already have her more, I'd act before you get lumbered with her more because they've exhausted alternatives.

My school it would be considered as part of safeguarding. The child must be exhausted and that will show up in school. Nothing might be done but would form part of the overall picture.

Surprised that after KCSIE training “every adult has a part to play”, that you probably had last week, you don’t see this could be useful to know to see a bigger picture.

I need to go find that series... thankyou!!!

It's interesting you say the other kids have SEN because she sounds like my DC who has ADHD. The needing to be constantly busy but not actually engaging, not able to do homework, socially unaware, 'don't care' when told off, demand avoidant.

Thanks for those strategies... will work out how and when to employ them!

My son has ADHD. I wouldn't want to diagnose anyone inappropriately, but I do recognise some traits in this kid. And her mother. They'd be utterly horrified if I said anything though.

I'm a music teacher.

Sometimes a student and teacher aren't a good fit. Before I take on a new student I meet them with the parent. I'm clear that there needs to be practice between lessons and actually map out when that will fit into their timetable. If their activities mean they can't commit to 20 minutes three times a week, which is sufficient to allow reasonable progress in my experience, I won't take them on.

It's difficult for parents and kids to see that music is a bit different. There are few other extra-curricular activities that require a bit of dedication between sessions. Recreational level sports, art club, coding, chess etc. you can just turn up every week and forget about them in between.

But this is what I mean. You need to reprimand her and then call parents in. You already know they don’t care/notice themselves.

If you’re worried about losing a client I would urge you to consider the other children who are also clients, but equally people walk all over those they allow it. Stand up for yourself and your students, demand respect from the parents, they’re not just going to give it as a matter of course (they have shown you this). Less of the genteel and more ‘firm but fair’.

fwiw I am giving this advice as a teacher of very privileged children and working with some difficult parents.

I would definitely get a bit harder with child and parent. Do any assessment, even if it's you doing it and write a report for parents as follow up explaining the level she is at, enthusiasm and effort levels and how she can improve (ie practice!). If any of the other kids are better than her make it a big deal- certificate etc, she needs to learn humility and respect. Not your job to teach it but good for you to if parents aren't. Also really focus on tbe positives in the other children. Ask her to stop if sge starts criticising music in the music lesson- explaining she doesn't need to cone if not enjoying it- make sure mum hears. Be an advocate for the others in the group more, step away from her.