Auntie and uncle divorce

[Ireallywantadoughnut36]

Hello! After any advice for my nearly 8 yr old. My dB and SiL are splitting up, she's now moved out so it's very much happening/happened. Unfortunately my ex SiL is absolutely the most favourite person in the world for my little girl. She's never known her life without this auntie in it, and it's going to be a horrid shock. It's made all the worse by the fact that ex SiL is moving to another city, and she's naturally quite flighty/adventurey and younger than us by 10 years (very cool, works in the arts, has pink hair and piercings). The reality is, whilst she's kind, she's not really the type to remain committed to a relationship with a small child on the other side of the country, who will also probably hold some painful memories for her.
I'm really conscious that a) this will feel horribly out of control for my dd and incredibly sad but also b) my brother is grieving a 10 year relationship and already feels really bad about the impact on my dd. I'm going to tell her tonight now she's settled back at school, and it's clear this situation is permanent (there was a bit of to and froing). I obviously need to give her time to grieve, I will also ask my DB if he's OK with her sending a message/video to her to say goodbye. She spent every Christmas with us, and was a very big part of that celebration and I know DD will be particularly sad about this. However, I also need to find a way of ensuring she's sensitive to my DBs first Christmas on his own for 10 yrs (he will still come to us).
Any tips on balancing the valid emotions on all sides, or saying goodbye to a family member who now no longer is a family member....?

Why does she need to be cut out?

It all sounds very dramatic OP

Just explain it really factually and honestly. This was literally us 5 years ago. Very fun cool auntie who doted on the kids. Horrendous break up with BIL (she cheated on him, he was suicidal, house sale dragged on forever). Dd especially was really close to her. She was sad a bit, but didn’t understand it in a grown up way, so I don’t think it really occurred to her that it meant they wouldn’t see her again. We kinda assumed we’d keep in touch.

5 years later, haven’t heard from her or seen her since. Off she popped to a fun new life. Kids aren’t bothered. It really wasn’t a big deal. They have to be reminded what her name was. BIL has a new cool partner and they really love her and everyone has moved on.

This is grown up drama. Don’t involve the kids in it. It’s really nothing to overthink.

It's not dramatic and she doesn't need to be cut out, but realistically, she's a 32 yr old young woman who is very adventurous, spends a lot of time abroad and is moving 300 miles away and has made it clear she wants a fresh start, so its more that she will be actively not wanting too much/any contact with her ex partners niece (which is very reasonable and her choice).... So just after some ways to make that easier for my dd who loves her and will miss her.
I don't think it's wildly unreasonable to just ask if anyone has tips to make that easier

I don’t see why your dd can’t still have a relationship with her aunt. You don’t need to cut her out of your life. Maybe reach out to her and tell her she’s still an important part of your daughter’s life though she is splitting up with your brother. Make her welcome and make an effort to see her. I’m sure she’s fond of your daughter too.

How much time did your daughter spend with her as presumably at school and SIL working and active social life?

What’s dramatic is your way of conveying this

“grieving”

I think you’re making a bigger deal of this than it needs to be. No ones died, no one is ill, they’re just not going to be around as much/at all. Children are very adaptable, if you don’t make it into a drama, that’ll go a long way to helping your DD understand.

Thanks, we will definitely try but I'm conscious that's she's 300 miles away and really not the keeping in touch type (I can't think of a good way to describe her but she is constantly on the move, has no "old" friends and rarely sees her own family) So whilst I'd love to stay in touch and we will try our best, I'm very aware it's likely not an option. She'd obviously always be welcome with us, but given a choice between filming an arts documentary in Japan or hanging out with her exes 7 yr old and 40 something sister, I don't think she'll be up for it tbh.
The reason my dd loves her so much is she's just super cool, friends with celebs, always has a new tattoo, randomly jets off to foreign lands, has lived on almost every continent - she's just really fun and a bit wild. And we are actually very boring tbh (in the way most families are)

Thanks- I'm hoping that might be the case. I did casually mention as the break up began that she might not be with us this Christmas as she has her own family too, dd cried for 3 days (she is a real drama queen god love her). Equally, same happened with her uncle 2 years ago and both kids have forgotten his name completely and asked who he was when they looked at old photos. So hopefully it goes that way!
I think you're right, I'll say they're breaking up, so she'll spend Christmas with her own family, but I still have her number and we can still send her photos, videos and messages and not suggest that she will probably never see us!

This completely ott. My sil dh sis was close with my dd she moved to Norwich and now abroad she speaks but rarely sees her. You seem to be making abig song and dance about it all.

I'm not sure what else to call it tbh, she will grieve the relationship- it's not a word exclusively reserved for death is it. I grieved leaving my job, leaving my old house - I just meant it as her being sad and feeling like she's lost something, which she will, because she has. No drama or dramatics...

All I'm asking is help telling her guys

but given a choice between filming an arts documentary in Japan or hanging out with her exes 7 yr old and 40 something sister, I don't think she'll be up for it tbh.
The reason my dd loves her so much is she's just super cool, friends with celebs, always has a new tattoo, randomly jets off to foreign lands, has lived on almost every continent - she's just really fun and a bit wild.

sounds very superficial relationship then

She’s 8. She will be fine.

Yes bit what if the sil doesn't want too, I would explain in age appropriate way what you think will happen but she may keep in touch but maybe no, it doesn't have to be a long drawn out thing, kids move on as time goes on

How often did they even get together op given your daughter at school and presumably clubs, friends, parties and play dates and SIL being very busy

How am I being ott? I literally just asked for some tips on telling dd and best ways to phrase it. She'll be really sad. I'm not crying into my pillow or holding a memorial fgs. This is a casual Internet post because I know something is going to upset my daughter and wondered if anyone had some good ideas... clearly the answer is "no we don't but we fancy having a go". Anyway, I'll close the thread as have had a couple of helpful tips, will keep it low key and I'm sure a bit of time will help

Maybe re read your OP to see what pretty much all of us are pointing out

I think it would help if you modelled a less dramatic way of being. I’ve never grieved leaving a house , you move on. I may be wrong but it seems ironic you saying she’s a drama llama and then using such hyperbolic language yourself.

What has the aunt said about it all - there are lots of assumptions going on here, but has anyone asked her how she sees it going? My ex-husband was the godfather to his best man's first child. We divorced almost two decades a - guess which one of us still sees the goddaughter and her sister, despite not being officially linked to either of them in any way? It's me. I just got back from a mini break with them both. In that time I have lived in other countries during that time and currently live 300 miles away from them. When I got divorced I was 27.

absolutely the most favourite person in the world for my little girl. She's never known her life without this auntie in it, and it's going to be a horrid shock. It's made all the worse by the fact that ex SiL is moving to another city

will feel horrible out of control

incredibly sad

I obviously need to give her time to grieve,

saying goodbye to a family member who is no longer family

just for starters

That sound hard OP - I know my kids, when they were that age, would have been a bit blindsided too. Actually one of them would have - the other one would have been very pragmatic but we're all different, aren't we. I think you're going about it in the right way but agree that your daughter will probably move on quicker than you give her credit for IYSWIM.

N.B. Now that you've had a few posts saying you're being dramatic, you're about to get many more, I suspect.

👍

All you can say is Auntie Jane is moving away, so we won't see her next week as planned (or whenever) and just repeat as necessary. Aunt Jane sends her love but can't come to xyz it's too far. By all means keep in touch as far as possible, but the relationship will just die a natural death with time. No need for a detailed explanation of the divorce or who was at fault, etc, although she will probably pick up a bit of it, if it's discussed by the family.

I’m the aunty in this scenario. My exs niece and I were very close, then ex and I split. He was abusive and I just had to get away for my own safety, I wanted absolutely zero contact with him. He was devastated, I attempted to contact his sister but she blanked me and I had no choice but to give up. This was 27 years ago. A couple of years ago that niece got in touch with me, she’d been really upset and confused as to what had happened. I’d been there and then I was gone, no one would talk to her about me and no one explained the situation. I was crushed, she’d been important to me too. We talked for hours and reconnected. We do keep in touch sporadically and said we’d meet up, but that’s never happened as yet, as we live an hour or so away from each other and she has little dc. I’m a little reluctant in case her uncle finds out. He is married but still contacts me from time to time to tell me I’m looking good or that he still thinks of me (fucking sleezeball). I always ignore him. I don’t want him to ramp up contact, if he hears I’m meeting his niece.

Sorry, I’ve gone off on a tangent there, lol. All I can say is fully explain the situation to your DD, these things happen, relationships break down and it’s absolutely not her fault. Ask SIL if she’s willing to help by explaining it too, I’d have happily met up to speak to my niece (she still calls me aunty). Life is cruel sometimes, good luck.