Auntie and uncle divorce

[Ireallywantadoughnut36]

Hello! After any advice for my nearly 8 yr old. My dB and SiL are splitting up, she's now moved out so it's very much happening/happened. Unfortunately my ex SiL is absolutely the most favourite person in the world for my little girl. She's never known her life without this auntie in it, and it's going to be a horrid shock. It's made all the worse by the fact that ex SiL is moving to another city, and she's naturally quite flighty/adventurey and younger than us by 10 years (very cool, works in the arts, has pink hair and piercings). The reality is, whilst she's kind, she's not really the type to remain committed to a relationship with a small child on the other side of the country, who will also probably hold some painful memories for her.
I'm really conscious that a) this will feel horribly out of control for my dd and incredibly sad but also b) my brother is grieving a 10 year relationship and already feels really bad about the impact on my dd. I'm going to tell her tonight now she's settled back at school, and it's clear this situation is permanent (there was a bit of to and froing). I obviously need to give her time to grieve, I will also ask my DB if he's OK with her sending a message/video to her to say goodbye. She spent every Christmas with us, and was a very big part of that celebration and I know DD will be particularly sad about this. However, I also need to find a way of ensuring she's sensitive to my DBs first Christmas on his own for 10 yrs (he will still come to us).
Any tips on balancing the valid emotions on all sides, or saying goodbye to a family member who now no longer is a family member....?

Thanks for sharing and this totally underlines my point about asking the SIL what she thinks/how she envisages things in the future, rather than making any assumptions on her behalf. I'm glad you are rebuilding what you didn't break and the fact that the niece got in touch with you clearly demonstrates that you continue to mean a great deal to her. Good luck with that relationship while maintaining boundaries with your pig of an ex.

I’d be looking at ways to discourage the drama with your DD going forward, it will serve her well. Not that she shouldn’t be allowed to express her feelings, far from it. But talking, asking questions etc is the way to go in my opinion and experience.

I’d be calm and matter of fact. They are splitting up, that’s something that sometimes happens. It’s a bit sad, but ultimately they think they will be happier apart. She is moving away, that’s sad too as we will miss her, but again change happens in life. We will send her the odd postcard etc, and might see her if she visits.

Children tend to take their cues from us. If we expect them to be upset they may well pick up on that, so be positive yourself. Hope it goes well.

It is really OTT and unnecessarily damaging for your DD to have a goodbye phone call/video call! Please don't do this.
All it needs is "X and Y are splitting up, which is sad in one way but really the right thing for them both in the long run. X is moving away so we don't know how much we'll be seeing her, but I'm sure she won't mind us sending some cool postcards or sending her a voice note every now and then.'

The op thinks the aunt will be too busy and basically not arsed to visit or maintain much of a relationship.

And the dd thought her aunt was super cool

presumably both had work, school, hobbies, friends so actually didn’t see much of each other anyway

hardly a profound and deeply close and life affirming relationship

Do NOT do a video saying goodbye. That is far far OTT. All you have to do is explain that they are not together anymore so she may not see her as much as she used too. Job done.

I agree with this.

a goodbye video is dramatic and very much ott and is actually telling the auntie you don't want contact.

that might happen organically but it's better to let it happen that way

"By the way, X, Uncle Dave and Auntie Trendy aren't married any more. Lucky Auntie Trendy is going to have an exciting new life in London, so we may not see her quite so often.
What would you like for tea, and have you done your homework?".
Take the drama out of it, OP!!

This is very wise advice. You need to help your DD build resilience and approaching this in anything other than a factual manner is unhelpful to her.

I find it hard to understand how your DD is so enmeshed with this woman and yet you appear not to have any contact with her at all. She's either a good aunt or she isn't: if she is, of course she will want to stay in touch with your DD over the years.

FWIW I've been divorced twice and I'm still in touch with my exes' families, especially nieces and nephews who are now grown adults, but have occasionally leaned on me for emotional support in their adult lives. It's totally do-able.

I was the child in this situation a couple of times, although less close to my aunts than your DD sounds. If ex-SIL is up for a little casual contact and letting the relationship either find its own new form or naturally taper off, I'd go for that.

If she wants a clean break, then I would try to give them a chance to say goodbye. One of my ex-aunts made a point of this, and I still remember it. She wasn't a 'kid-person', neither I nor my sister had been particularly close to her, but she still arranged to meet us to say goodbye. The other just disappeared, we'd said goodbye expecting to see her at the next family gathering and then we never heard from her again. I definitely preferred the former.

Yes, this is nice. Maybe add a "That's why she won't be around at Christmas, unfortunately." or "Perhaps we'll have a trip to <exciting city> sometime and meet her for lunch".

And if she's super upset just say "Oh silly, she's not divorcing you! Lots of people get divorced, it's sad for them but part of life. She'll still stay in touch!" or whatever.

@Sorejawsi disagree - grieving is appropriate word and appropriate way to empathize with the loss of a significant relationship

You’re a lone wolf there on that then

OP has made it very clear that the likelihood is that it is the auntie who will most likely move on and probably not maintain a relationship with her ex's family. Nothing anyone can do about that and the niece is going to miss her auntie.

Why are you being so deliberately and consistently snarky? Are you THAT bored? First you accuse OP of cutting her SIL out of their lives and tell the OP she’s a drama queen. When she doesn’t bite - and points out that she has no intention of cutting the aunt out - you criticise the aunt. When all else fails, you try to find excuses for why OP’s daughter doesn’t see the aunt much anyway (as if somehow no child ever got close to someone because they go to the odd after school club).

The OP is just a little worried about her daughter. It’s understandable. OP’s daughter is only eight and doesn’t remember the aunt not being around - the distinction between blood relative and relative by marriage doesn’t mean much to a child. Of course it isn’t the end of the world, but OP is a mother worried about her child. And she’s realistic enough to know that this relationship isn’t going to be the same anymore.

OP - I agree with the posters saying to play it down a bit, rather than making it a big event. Let her get used to the idea over time. She’s likely to be upset, but a big goodbye scene is likely to make it worse.