Different parenting styles - she wants out

[9ctplastic]

I'm seeking advice on a challenging co-parenting situation. My children, aged 6 and 8, now spend 75% of their time at my house, and my ex-wife stays over also during this time - my house is a better option for them as it is bigger and walking distance to their school(we are both single of course).

Over the past two years, my ex struggled with substance dependency, and I believe it contributed to the children's behaviour, she hid it of course and kids never said a word so I was blind to this. She recently took classes on managing challenging behaviour in children - Note that my kids are not diagnosed with anything.

I am a Clinical psychologist(8yrs), I've tried to use my professional knowledge in addition to the usual regular patenting approach to handle issues, but she becomes defensive and tells me my methods are wrong as per what she learned in her classes and I am messing up her effective approach with them.

To avoid arguments, I suggested I handle all other tasks (cooking, cleaning, school runs), and she takes full responsibility for bedtime.
However, she's accusing me of "quitting" on them and is threatening to leave and just make me have them in day times. She doesn't see my compromise and thinks I'm being selfish.

Her methods include:

• Cuddling the children once they finally calm down from a tantrum.
• Shouting back at the children when they shout.
• Running to bed to cry, hoping the kids will feel sorry for her and stop fighting each other etc.

I'm at a loss for how to move forward. How can I deal with this situation when she seems unable to see my attempts to compromise? Any advice on how to navigate this would be greatly appreciated.

This is your home! If course you should be doing all those things!

And when she's here on your time, she's also doing the school pick-up and bedtime to help you out. What parenting ARE you doing?

Were you married op?

You’re both in an untenable situation & she seems to be genuinely struggling. She probably doesn’t need a parenting course & she probably would benefit from counselling for herself. As for bedtime routine there are 2 children who need attention at the same time. Leaving her to it probably deprives her of her whole evening at a time she most tired & fed up. Alternate putting a child to bed & split the chores, living separately you have to do this but to do bedtime all by yourself whilst the other parent is around isn’t fair regardless how the chores are split. If you cook she can wash up & put away or vice versa. She maybe lazy but you’re also being a little unreasonable

Bollocks you're a clinical psychologist 😂

No. She is an adult too, she has responsibility to the kids to try and get better (anxiety etc), work more and improve their living conditions / situation.

What was the parenting course? Most recommended by the local authority or NHS can be read about eg triple P, Incredible Years. Both children neurotypical? If so, the approach you are describing her having does not seem consistent with any evidence based parenting course.

Unfortunately, you are not the correct person to give her any shaping feedback. I assume there are tensions between you given the separation.

I have received a warning for troll hunting from MNHQ quite recently. Sitting on my hands right now. Ohmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

They’re not her methods, they’re what she does when things are falling apart Id guess, and then she’s arguing and throwing in the course because she’s overwhelmed. I suppose a lot of this comes down to life in general with the two of you, how you broke up, whether she hates you not being a couple etc. Myself and dh are having issues and I have changed into an irrational creature I don’t know- I’m overwhelmed easier, argue easier, because I’m exhausted and co parenting and trying to act like we’re a team when we’re not is ridiculously difficult. He is aloof at times and too helpful at others and both are equally horrendous because my brain is still doing an irrational’but what about us, if we’re doing this, why can’t we be the couple we were and do it as husband and wife’

If course you should be doing all those things! I do al beit she is at mine 2-3 days all day alone in the day time and just goes out to pick up the kids from school(i drop them the whole time they are at mine).

What parenting ARE you doing? I cook all their meals, wash them before bed, homework, do the dishes, laundry, take them to school next morning. All i ask her is to do bed time as thats the only time they kick off and she does not agree with how I deal with the bed time. I should add, when we did 50/50 , I would go atleast two nights at hers until they go to bed as she cannot pick them up the days she goes to work(2/3 days a week) and I would drive to pick them up at after school club which I also pay for

I do not think the tension is on the seperation as this was 5 years ago and we moved on to other people, it's more or so, she thinks she knows it all now after this course she did and forgets that she contributed to the challenging behavious, in my opinion due to her personal issues.

No cookies for you!

Hi @9ctplastic, I have no idea why some people are giving you a hard time here.. it sounds like a genuinely difficult situation which you are trying to manage the best you can. I’m going to PM you with a link to a fb group that may be helpful to you .

Does she work?

The father of her children is in a very well paid job as a clinical psychologist supposedly and the mother of his children is living in temporary housing which his children hate.

You pay maintenance?

Me too

but I’m with you both!!!

I don’t understand why she is staying over. Where are the kids the other 25% of the time?