Different parenting styles - she wants out

[9ctplastic]

I'm seeking advice on a challenging co-parenting situation. My children, aged 6 and 8, now spend 75% of their time at my house, and my ex-wife stays over also during this time - my house is a better option for them as it is bigger and walking distance to their school(we are both single of course).

Over the past two years, my ex struggled with substance dependency, and I believe it contributed to the children's behaviour, she hid it of course and kids never said a word so I was blind to this. She recently took classes on managing challenging behaviour in children - Note that my kids are not diagnosed with anything.

I am a Clinical psychologist(8yrs), I've tried to use my professional knowledge in addition to the usual regular patenting approach to handle issues, but she becomes defensive and tells me my methods are wrong as per what she learned in her classes and I am messing up her effective approach with them.

To avoid arguments, I suggested I handle all other tasks (cooking, cleaning, school runs), and she takes full responsibility for bedtime.
However, she's accusing me of "quitting" on them and is threatening to leave and just make me have them in day times. She doesn't see my compromise and thinks I'm being selfish.

Her methods include:

• Cuddling the children once they finally calm down from a tantrum.
• Shouting back at the children when they shout.
• Running to bed to cry, hoping the kids will feel sorry for her and stop fighting each other etc.

I'm at a loss for how to move forward. How can I deal with this situation when she seems unable to see my attempts to compromise? Any advice on how to navigate this would be greatly appreciated.

Not living together would be a good start. I know you think it’s for the best but it’s probably quite confusing for the kids. You can both move on with your lives.

I always have the kids during my time but not as much as it is now and she is not around to judge my method. She is only around until her housing sitution is resolved.

I think i would try to go on the same course. The methods you describe sound rather unusual to be recommended on a parenting course, so I wonder if she has misinterpreted the course. It would help me if I had access to the original material so I could sit down with a co-parent and think together about whether and how to implement it. I'm not sure I see your compromise tbh... your compromise is to let her get on with it and not take part in the trickiest aspect of parenting? When you are a clinical psychologist and she is an ex addict... something doesn't seem to add up.

She’s accused you of quitting because you’ve suggested not sharing bedtime responsibilities because you want to avoid arguments, instead of actually doing the hard work of sharing them.

That somehow taking the bins out, cooking and cleaning is equivalent to parenting? Are you serious?

She can’t see the compromise because there isn’t one, you’re lazy and self-deluded that your so-called compromise is actually a fair division of labour. I imagine the delusion comes from the fact that it serves your interests to get an “out” on the parenting because you disagree. That you think someone running off their room to cry to guilt trip your children is something you’re ok with to “avoid an argument”.

Her methods sound ridiculous but your version of compromise is lazy and self serving.

Lazy? How did You come down to that conclusion? i said I will do the cooking/school runs/ washing them , how is that not parenting? I already do these things to be fare and I do the laundy and the house clening already as it is my house and considering, I work full time and she only works 2-3 days a week(half days)

For a clinical psychologist to not be able to spell the word 'fair' among other things is a bit concerning.

Here we go, one mispelled word typed on the go does discredit my professional accomplishments and achievements. Good mindset.

Back to the topic 😛

Three. But yeah, sorry. I'm genuinely surprised.

Your ex needs to move out. Or you do.

She needs to maximise her income to be able to afford to do so. Whilst you are living together there are OBVIOUSLY going to be tensions about parenting and the millions of decisions that need to be made.

You're doing nobody any favours by still living together, least of all the kids.

OK she's threatening to leave so she can leave. What are you getting out of it by having her in your home? What would you say to your client?

Yeah... I'm not buying it either.

Given your profession, this post seems very odd to me. The mistakes you've made in the post, the situation you're in, everything. Also not sure what's wrong with cuddling a child after a tantrum.

There seems to be some poor decision making re: your housing set up, behviour managment etc. so yes I'm surprised you're a Clinical psychologist!

So she is your ex, and whenever the dc are at your house, she is there too? and the other 25% of the time, is she alone with them? So you get help with your time, and she never gets a break?

You need to end this half-in half-out situation. It isn’t working for anyone.

Pay your portion of the childcare bill so that your ex can work full-time and earn a decent living.

Please forgive me if I speak plainly but if some fucked up co-parent to my children was in turn fucking their lives up, I wouldn’t just stand by looking at my psychologist textbook. I’d ask them in no uncertain terms what the fuck they thought they were doing and call them out. I’d tell them to sort their life out and I’d take them court to minimise contact. Running to bed crying? No mate - not on my watch. Go and be dysfunctional somewhere else.

I think you need to think less through a therapy lens, and more through a ‘what is the effect of this batshittery going to be on them in 10 years time if I let it continue?’

I hear you, it is only like this because she is in temp housing and kids hate it there and I do not want them just refusing to go to hers so I decided to let her be around when they are at mine and it helps with school pick ups too.

I may have to rethink this

she does not want a break, she is one of those parents who live for their kids emotionally so if they are not there, they just cannot function properly and has to call them too frequent. She was a stay at home mum when we were together

she cannot work full time on the account of her mental health(anxiety etc.) which I do agree she has.

So, you're using her then?

She's got a scabby b&b so you're being SOOOO generous to let her come and do EVERYTHING for the kids when it's your time with them in the name of kindness?

This is even more fucked up than I thought. Your poor kids.

OP - never admit to being a man

I think you need to rethink the set up. I am a psychologist too and given the developmental psychology I've read, I get your desire to maximise contact with M, but avoid exposure to temporary accommodations. But it is setting up a horrible dynamic for you. In their own home too which should be a sanctuary

She sounds marginally unhinged. If the kids end up not wanting to go there it will be a good thing because it will be a horrid environment (not just aesthetically displeasing). My own experience tells me children will put up with a hell of a lot and stay silent so they can continue seeing a parent.. So when they say no enough, they really have had a gut full and it's time to take them away from that chaos.

how old are you? 5? He's doing her a favour so the kids actually still want to be around her. That I think should stop

I am learning lol I will ask next time with genders reversed. I am new here lol

Why don’t you pay for them to live somewhere decent. Why is she in TA if you have a house?
She had your children and you have a responsibility to make sure they are all housed adequately.
If her living with you isn’t working then provide a better solution.

Are you all there? Using her for what? I clean, cook and do all the laundry in my home, even whem she is there. I am doing her a favour as kids just want to be at mine more now and not in a 1 bed hostel.

Sometimes people read to just bash and not to comprehend first and then post a response.