Nursery not taking 3 year old to the toilet

[Sarahannn]

I feel like I’m banging my head off a wall with my daughter’s nursery. She’s a nightmare at not going to the toilet and at home needs asked to go every time. I don’t know why it’s never clicked but she will wet herself or leave it too late to say she needs it so constantly needs asked. Shes been ‘potty trained’ for a long time but we just don’t seem to get beyond this. She’s been at nursery for 6 months and I made them aware of this from the first day. She must have came home wet about 40/50 times since she started. It’s more than half the week I’d say. She was on reduced hours last year but has moved up to longer hours in the older room since last week. One member of staff seems to be really helpful and makes sure she goes - no accidents if she’s there but she isn’t always there. This week she’s came home wet both days so far, on Monday she was smelling of pee and most of it had dried so must have been wet from the morning and said she hadn’t been to the toilet all day. It’s fully her issue for not saying she’s wet or asking to go but I’m just so conscious if they keep letting this go we’re going to end up having this problem when she starts school 🤦🏻‍♀️ I’ve spoken to the head of centre and sent emails, spoken to staff so many times but they seem to say what they want you to hear then do nothing about it the next day. What else can I do other than keep phoning every week?

Agreed. This. OP is not suggesting her daughter is asked every 10 minutes. Asking at reasonable intervals and being mindful of potential ‘signs’ of discomfort is warranted here. That said, OP should also do the work at home and encourage the child to communicate when she needs to go and perhaps reward that.

There are lots of things that this could be, and it could be a mix of physical and psychological.
My eldest was not reliably dry during the day until age 6 or 7 I think, and at night maybe 8 or 9? We were under the care of the Children’s Bladder Clinic but I think the wait times now are awful and they may not even refer until a child is 6!
It may be that your child’s bladder has not grown as much as her peers, so it doesn’t hold as much. She needs to be drinking good amounts and regularly in order to help expand it (so not little sips now and then, but not 500ml in one go either!). You could try getting her to wee into a jug a few times and see if you can work out what her bladder capacity is compared to what it should be for her age (there’s plenty online about how to work this out).
It may be that she’s not recognising the cues to go - this is called interoception. It’s common in neurodivergent kids (although if your daughter is able to say if she’s hungry, tired etc maybe it’s not this?).
It may be that she has an overactive bladder which contracts unexpectedly before she has a chance to get the signal and go to the toilet. There is medication for this (but she may be a little young for it) plus avoiding blackcurrant, fizz, etc.
Is she embarrassed about being wet? My daughter never was, which I found almost harder than the wetting itself. But it turned out she is autistic which possibly explains the lack of self awareness.
Sympathies OP. It absolutely drove me to distraction and I completely understand how frustrating it is. My daughter was and is very clever and I couldn’t understand how other people’s kids “got this” and she couldn’t.

OP, this Nursery sounds AWFUL.

You are well within your rights to report it. Not only are poor children being left to sit in their own waste, but other children are playing alongside them? The staff have no respect for your child.

Just curious, regarding your daughter, does she notice she is wet? If she’s not feeling the urge to go or noticing she has soiled herself, I would go back to the gp again about the lack of sensations.

But this is absolutely something the nursery should be supporting with. The potty training watch mentioned above is good (at 3 I’d set it for every 30 mins), but why can’t the staff set their own watches? A child’s health should be their priority, leaving children to sit in their own waste is neglectful and harmful to their (and others’) health.

I totally agree with this.

The nursery sounds awful and shouldn’t be leaving her wet.

It’s really difficult for working parents when you have a child that is difficult to pottty train for whatever reason. It’s one thing to say parents should take time off work to train them but what if you have done this and used all your annual leave and they are still not fully trained?

We are really struggling with my 3 year old daughter too. We have been off work for 2 weeks and she still basically needs prompting all the time so I’m not sure how nursery will go next week.

She sounds very much like my daughter and she has ongoing issues even now (she’s 14). It’s probably not the case for your daughter but there maybe a lack of sensation or something else going on. You can buy a watch that vibrates in time intervals. My daughter had one to remind her to go to the toilet. I would contact ERIC for advice too.

Thats completely ridiculous And yet they blame parents for kids rocking up at school in nappies?

This. Is this a school nursery class with one teacher and a TA? I was a school nursery teacher and we didn't take children to the toilet individually but reminded all of them before story time, going outside etc. Two members of staff with indoor and outdoor areas to cover couldn't do that.

We did give them a change if clothing if they were wet though.