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Nursery not taking 3 year old to the toilet

82 replies

Sarahannn · 03/09/2025 09:56

I feel like I’m banging my head off a wall with my daughter’s nursery. She’s a nightmare at not going to the toilet and at home needs asked to go every time. I don’t know why it’s never clicked but she will wet herself or leave it too late to say she needs it so constantly needs asked. Shes been ‘potty trained’ for a long time but we just don’t seem to get beyond this. She’s been at nursery for 6 months and I made them aware of this from the first day. She must have came home wet about 40/50 times since she started. It’s more than half the week I’d say. She was on reduced hours last year but has moved up to longer hours in the older room since last week. One member of staff seems to be really helpful and makes sure she goes - no accidents if she’s there but she isn’t always there. This week she’s came home wet both days so far, on Monday she was smelling of pee and most of it had dried so must have been wet from the morning and said she hadn’t been to the toilet all day. It’s fully her issue for not saying she’s wet or asking to go but I’m just so conscious if they keep letting this go we’re going to end up having this problem when she starts school 🤦🏻‍♀️ I’ve spoken to the head of centre and sent emails, spoken to staff so many times but they seem to say what they want you to hear then do nothing about it the next day. What else can I do other than keep phoning every week?

OP posts:
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PornOfCopia · 03/09/2025 14:35

Mrsttcno1 · 03/09/2025 10:09

Lots of nurseries would expect her to go back to nappies I suspect because they can’t ask every single child constantly if they need the toilet. If a child at our nursery was having accidents every day then they’re not toilet trained and the nursery would then be saying they need to be in a nappy until they are.

Our nursery encouraged all the children to go to the loo at certain times of day. It never seemed to cause a big issue.

Worse though, is that they haven't noticed she's wet and changed her (or have noticed and not bothered!). It's pretty grim.

I would raise this with management and look to move her asap if it doesn't improve.

PornOfCopia · 03/09/2025 14:37

Sarahannn · 03/09/2025 10:39

I’d guess they’re turning a blind eye and can’t be bothered changing them 🤦🏻‍♀️ The issue seems to be no one is directly in charge of any child, it’s kind of everyone’s responsibility so they can all pretend they haven’t noticed, except from the one lady who seems to be amazing and gets it

Do they not have a "key person"? Honestly it sounds awful 😔

PornOfCopia · 03/09/2025 14:41

Favouritefruits · 03/09/2025 11:28

They can’t be setting alarms twice a day to take your dd to toilet, if they did that with all 8 children that’s 16 alarms a day. You need to take responsibility for your child, if she’s not dry and can’t take herself to the toilet then she needs to be back in nappies she’s not ready yet. If your DD ha come home 50times wet you need to take action snd put her in nappies stop passing the buck.

you have this one issue other parents have their issues which mounts up to an impossible task to keep every parent happy it’s just not practical.

No it's two alarms, and then take them each one at a time. Not much different to changing nappies at set times surely?

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user1492757084 · 03/09/2025 14:41

An idea you could try.
Behaviour modification .. allowing your daughter to wear a special alarm watch that makes a sound every 2 hours. (You program that.)

She hears the "toilet" sound and goes to the toilet. Once sitting DD can push a button to stop the alarm.
Get her into the habit at home.

Buy the watch from a chemist that supplies alarm watches for medication.
The alarm also alerts the nursery staff by default so they should look up and help DD.

caringcarer · 03/09/2025 14:48

Mrsttcno1 · 03/09/2025 10:09

Lots of nurseries would expect her to go back to nappies I suspect because they can’t ask every single child constantly if they need the toilet. If a child at our nursery was having accidents every day then they’re not toilet trained and the nursery would then be saying they need to be in a nappy until they are.

This. She isn't toilet trained if not asking to go when she feels the need. Does she actually feel the need to go or are you just preempting it for her by telling her to go?

BurntBroccoli · 03/09/2025 15:03

Sarahannn · 03/09/2025 10:26

I’m glad you had some success eventually with it! I’m praying this day comes, I really wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy 🤦🏻‍♀️ She’ll eventually tell me if she had an accident at home but wouldn’t at nursery. It’s a very busy nursery though and I don’t think they have much small group time so she’d be quite far away from her group leader when the urge came. A lot of the time before if she came home dry it was just because she’d managed to hold it all day but now it’s longer days this is virtually impossible so she will need to go

Are you sure the ratios are correct?

EnchantedToMeetYou2 · 03/09/2025 15:05

CookiesAreForSharing · 03/09/2025 12:46

Would it help her if you got her a potty training watch? I think they beep/play a tune every so often to remind her to think about if she needs it. I didn't use one but might have if I knew about them. Or maybe she would ignore it?

@CookiesAreForSharing @Sarahannn I came to suggest something like this too!

I can’t believe how many people are putting this all on the OP! Obviously potty training is a parents responsibility but OP clearly seems to be trying everything possible.
The nursery sounds awful! Being a busy nursery is no excuse.

MoleyMole789 · 03/09/2025 15:09

caringcarer · 03/09/2025 14:48

This. She isn't toilet trained if not asking to go when she feels the need. Does she actually feel the need to go or are you just preempting it for her by telling her to go?

Of course she is potty trained. Plenty of 3 year olds get too busy playing, are scared of the toilet, stubborn etc. Actually asking for the potty is something that some of them don't grasp for a while.

A nursery isn't there just to keep them safe and play with them. Caring for a 3 year old involves some actual personal care too. And even nurseries that don't help with potty training at all still do the prompting. At least all the ones I've looked at.

caringcarer · 03/09/2025 15:13

MoleyMole789 · 03/09/2025 15:09

Of course she is potty trained. Plenty of 3 year olds get too busy playing, are scared of the toilet, stubborn etc. Actually asking for the potty is something that some of them don't grasp for a while.

A nursery isn't there just to keep them safe and play with them. Caring for a 3 year old involves some actual personal care too. And even nurseries that don't help with potty training at all still do the prompting. At least all the ones I've looked at.

If sh doesn't ask to go to the toilet or just go on her own she isn't potty trained. This is not an occasional accident but happening everyday.

Maria1982 · 03/09/2025 15:16

Sarahannn · 03/09/2025 10:39

I’d guess they’re turning a blind eye and can’t be bothered changing them 🤦🏻‍♀️ The issue seems to be no one is directly in charge of any child, it’s kind of everyone’s responsibility so they can all pretend they haven’t noticed, except from the one lady who seems to be amazing and gets it

But that is completely unacceptable!!!

the more you post the worse the nursery sounds

every child must have a key worker assigned. And sending children home wet, or not changing them in the day is hideous.

my son is 3. Nursery so nappy changes at set hours for littles, and they remind /prompt children to go to potty or toilet regularly as well.

NoSuchThingAsAFreeHoliday · 03/09/2025 15:17

Absolutely shocked that a nursery would leave a child in wet clothes. I do wonder what she’s wearing that it might not be obvious but still. I’d definitely go with light leggings. It’s appalling and would never happen in the nursery I work in. Reminding your daughter to go will definitely be less work than changing her so that’s not a reason not to make the effort. I’m actually shocked she’s left in wet clothes. Poor wee thing.

AnnaBalfour · 03/09/2025 15:46

She isn’t potty trained at all. That is the issue, not the nursery.

Maybe she should have a nanny instead of nursery until she’s potty trained and can take herself off to the loo or communicate the need to go.

Its really very unfair of you to expect them to take her to the loo every 10 minutes in case she needs to go.

Spies · 03/09/2025 15:52

AnnaBalfour · 03/09/2025 15:46

She isn’t potty trained at all. That is the issue, not the nursery.

Maybe she should have a nanny instead of nursery until she’s potty trained and can take herself off to the loo or communicate the need to go.

Its really very unfair of you to expect them to take her to the loo every 10 minutes in case she needs to go.

This reply is just daft. No one is saying every 10 minutes she just needs to be in a setting that actually cares.

The OP is trying everything. Putting her child back in nappies is not the answer because it doesn't actually solve the issue. She needs supporting in knowing when to go to the toilet it's not rocket science and the nursery should be supporting her with this.

Spies · 03/09/2025 15:52

AnnaBalfour · 03/09/2025 15:46

She isn’t potty trained at all. That is the issue, not the nursery.

Maybe she should have a nanny instead of nursery until she’s potty trained and can take herself off to the loo or communicate the need to go.

Its really very unfair of you to expect them to take her to the loo every 10 minutes in case she needs to go.

.

YourSpryWriter · 03/09/2025 16:02

caringcarer · 03/09/2025 15:13

If sh doesn't ask to go to the toilet or just go on her own she isn't potty trained. This is not an occasional accident but happening everyday.

This is an interesting way of looking at it. My son is 6 and doesn't go unless I send him. He never wets himself but it worried me as he is out the house 8 till 4 on a school day and he didn't go at school at all. School sent him for me in Reception Class when I mentioned it and I have made a deal with him to go at lunch in Year 1 but it took a lot of reminding to get him in the routine, I had to put a drawing on his hand to remind him to go. When he was younger I used to think he wasn't fully potty trained but now he is 6 I'm not sure what is going on.

blimeydarling · 03/09/2025 16:17

At our nursery, all the kids were lined up for the loo at intervals in the day, it was just part of the routine. Of course, children could ask to go in between, but it made sure that everyone “tried” at least a few times a day. We rarely had accidents.

Recycledblonde · 03/09/2025 16:27

My DS was like this at nursery, back in the days when nurseries were allowed to say no to none potty trained children. We had multiple accidents a day and I dreaded school especially as he would have been just four when he started. I sent him in with three changes of clothes on the first day and the little horror never had another accident. No idea what happened but after that all was fine.

caringcarer · 03/09/2025 16:47

YourSpryWriter · 03/09/2025 16:02

This is an interesting way of looking at it. My son is 6 and doesn't go unless I send him. He never wets himself but it worried me as he is out the house 8 till 4 on a school day and he didn't go at school at all. School sent him for me in Reception Class when I mentioned it and I have made a deal with him to go at lunch in Year 1 but it took a lot of reminding to get him in the routine, I had to put a drawing on his hand to remind him to go. When he was younger I used to think he wasn't fully potty trained but now he is 6 I'm not sure what is going on.

I'm just amazed he can wait 8 hours to go. Is he drinking enough?

Sarahannn · 03/09/2025 17:09

Recycledblonde · 03/09/2025 16:27

My DS was like this at nursery, back in the days when nurseries were allowed to say no to none potty trained children. We had multiple accidents a day and I dreaded school especially as he would have been just four when he started. I sent him in with three changes of clothes on the first day and the little horror never had another accident. No idea what happened but after that all was fine.

Amazing! That’s the dream 😂

OP posts:
Pancakeflipper · 03/09/2025 17:15

The nursery staff must be used to saying "you want the loo John? What about you SarahAnnnDD? You want to try for a wee?'
It's not difficult and it's not time consuming, it's part of nursery life.

Nursery and you need to be working together to help your daughter.

Pancakeflipper · 03/09/2025 17:15

The nursery staff must be used to saying "you want the loo John? What about you SarahAnnnDD? You want to try for a wee?'
It's not difficult and it's not time consuming, it's part of nursery life.

Nursery and you need to be working together to help your daughter.

Superscientist · 03/09/2025 17:30

I would be expecting a nursery to be asking the children to go to the toilet throughout the day and to be able to identify the children that need to be told it's time to use the toilet. I'm not talking about every 20 minutes but at transition points - before snack times, lunch time, if they are going to be going outside etc.

My daughter was fine at nursery where there were toilets accessible from the room where she could go by herself but struggled in school where she had to ask. For her it is very much a communication problem rather than toileting issue. The school at the start we sending the children at various points in the day and had started to switch to "if you need to go, go now" messages. My daughter can't ask unfamiliar adults for the toilet, it took a bit of time for the teacher and main TA to become safe people but then we had the issue of her not needing the toilet if when they asked if she needed it but 20 minutes later when she was with an unsafe person needing it and having and accident. So they went back to sending her to the toilet at the transition points which helped. They also made the class some prompt cards including a toilet symbol which they could use if they needed the toilet or whatever but didn't feel able to ask which helped make the process of asking for the toilet more accessible for her.

FrangipaniBlue · 03/09/2025 19:58

Sarahannn · 03/09/2025 10:46

I’ve literally done it all, and I mean it ALL 😭 It sounds like a good idea but it’s like in her mind she just does not want to go no matter what and will avoid going at all costs. Tried making the toilet such a positive thing with toys and bubbles, tried rewards, sticker charts, buying toys, giving chocolate buttons. Eventually something will click, she’s unlikely to be 25 and still doing it but at this rate it feels like it never will 😩

Bless her, I agree with other posters it’s absolutely is the nursery’s role to support her until she’s ready to go herself, she’s still so little!

FrangipaniBlue · 03/09/2025 20:02

Favouritefruits · 03/09/2025 11:28

They can’t be setting alarms twice a day to take your dd to toilet, if they did that with all 8 children that’s 16 alarms a day. You need to take responsibility for your child, if she’s not dry and can’t take herself to the toilet then she needs to be back in nappies she’s not ready yet. If your DD ha come home 50times wet you need to take action snd put her in nappies stop passing the buck.

you have this one issue other parents have their issues which mounts up to an impossible task to keep every parent happy it’s just not practical.

No it’s not, it’s 2 alerts and they remind all 8 children at the same time…….

or they make a routine of taking all the children before or after lunch/snack time etc

the nursery staff are just taking the “easy” (lazy) option

stichguru · 03/09/2025 20:14

Change nursery and report to Ofsted. This is blatant neglect.

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