Will I regret working so much whilst my kids are young?

[slidinintoyourdms]

Mum of 2 young children - 2y & 3m

currently on maternity leave and already dreading going back to work next year - I work 37.5hr’s over 4 days - Full time compressed over 4 days not 5.

Am I mad to be working so much whilst my kids are so young?

We have a great childcare set up, grandparents 2x per week and nursery 2x per week, but I feel like I am going to be missing out as I work long days and by the time I go back to work il only have just over a year before my eldest starts school.

Not working, or working less of course means less money coming in the house so I’m left with a toss up between more time less money to do fun things, less time, more money to do fun things on the time we do have.

I don’t want to look back in 10ys with regrets!

For what it's worth I think your set up is lucky and will give you the best of all worlds. Extra day with your kids, the financial security of full time pay and your DC are only in nursery 2 days. They'll get the socialisation that will benefit their development those days plus the chance to build an amazing bond with their grandparents 2 days a week. And 5 of 7 days they'll be with family. While you get to maintain your career and sense of self outside being a mum.

I went back early from maternity leave, and I’ve always worked FT. DS is now 13. No regrets. I love my job. The idea that a child ‘needs’ a SAHP is a very new and culture-specific one.

I had this dilemma, I decided that I wanted to spend more time with them whilst they were under school age. I can’t really imagine looking back and thinking that I wish I had worked more. But we are in a very fortunate position where financial situation and my career is such that working 2x 11hr days is possible. For the vast majority of people it’s either quit completely or do 4 days, only very few of my friends can do 3 days. I’m in a huge minority doing 2 and lucky I can do 22hrs over 2 days too. I would say if your career allows you to do less then you won’t regret it.

I gave up my career to be a SAHM and never regretted it. Especially now they’re grown up.

But it’s a risk career-wise.

I think you have to decide what works: I tried 24 hours week but literally no money for fun stuff. 30 hours allows me time with kids and fun stuff. Full time made me feel like I could barely keep my head above water but that’s my experience

Can you go back three days?

I think many mums of young children have the same dilemma. I went back to work at 7 months and let me tell you, it was awful. But I'm finding it even harder as he grows. And everyone tells me it gets harder and harder as they need you more.

At the ages of 1 and 3, they need good caregivers but they don't necessarily need YOU 24/7. A grandma or a nanny or a nursery is a perfectly OK alternative. But when they're older, they need YOU.

So it makes sense to work now, build money and seniority to be more flexible later.

Obviously easier said than done.

How realistic is dropping to 4 standard days for you? You would at least be there in the evenings then and it shouldn’t be that much of a drop in salary?
I did 3 days a week then up to 4 days when my youngest was 5, full time for a couple of years now (youngest is 10). It felt like the best of both worlds and realistically meant cheaper UK holidays and less money for treats but it felt worth it for a few years.

Definitely work as least as possible whilst they are so young.....that time flies by in the blink of an eye and once they're at school it does feel like you don't see them that much, and they fly up the school years so fast!

You will never get those brief 'little years' back, yet you have the rest of your working life to earn money.

Time before money always with young kids....they won't mind doing less expensive activities if it means more time with you 💗 and it's not forever.

I would say the opposite :-S kids need their parents in different ways at any age, however those early years are so crucial for parental comfort and bonding, and there's also the separation anxiety.

That’s a nice childcare set up and it’s sometimes when your children are tweens and teens that they need you around more. There will never be a right answer, but you can always try it and reassess in a few months. See how it goes first.

I would say it's 'new' as many of the boomer generation/ GenX were stay at home parents because it was affordable back then.
Nobody is saying OP needs to be a stay at home parent.....but being at home with young children for plenty of time still is a good thing.

Nope, not for me. The “little years” were not the lovely years the rose spectacles gaslight us into believing. They were relentless, they were full on, they were exhausting. The day to day stuff of keeping her fed, entertained, educated being done by someone else meant the evening times I spent with her were proper quality. We played, we read stories, we had calm and quiet bedtimes where we giggled and chatted, neither of us was frazzled or holding on to the stress of being with each other the whole day. By contrast, my daughter really needed me when she hit late primary going in to secondary. Providing guidance through those awkward tween years, helping her navigate puberty, setting her up for good emotional habits, that’s when I stepped back from work.

I don’t regret going back to work when she was little, I was a better mother to her because of it. My mum was a SAHM and most of what I remember was shouting and resentment. The her interactions with us were having us follow her around as she did housework, “helping” her. She didn’t do a fraction of the things with us as kids as I do with my daughter.

There is no right answer that suits every mother, what’s important is, what would suit them personally.

Yes...

Absolutely this. Little children need the kind of care that a grandparents, nursery or childminder can provide (up to a point). But my older DC need help with homework and someone they can really talk to. You can't get a substitute for that and they wouldn't accept a substitute if I could find one.

I’m gen X and my mum is a boomer, SAHM has always been rare, even my grandmother who was fired when she got married worked part time throughout her kids childhood.

OP I’m at the other end, DC1 is soon to be 18, this is her last school year. I worked part time for a chunk of time when they were little, and I’m now back to FT now they need my money more than my time. I think we all do what we feel is best, financial security is not to be sniffed at, nor is enjoying work. I found when they were in nursery it was easier, and DC1 who had more nursery definitely didn’t suffer, perhaps my DC2 would have benefited from more, I’ll never know. I found that it was a much harder balance at primary, school is a short day, grandparents get older. I don’t regret the times I worked longer hours or the times I cut back to do the school run. I’m really glad now that they are abandoning me becoming more independent that I kept working and have an identity away from them.

I went back to work after both of mine. I retained financial independence, continued to build my pension and actually carried our family when DH was made redundant. My kids are close to their grandparents now after spending a day a week with them. But crucially neither child really remembers anything pre school so it was definitely the right decision for me. I did go PT for a couple of years after DD2, which was a nice compromise.

All the women in my family worked going back to my great-grandmothers.

I went back full time at the end of each maternity leave (no choice to do otherwise) & over 20 years later I am sad about not having had more time with my sons in those early years.
I wish I had not had to work full time at that stage. (Very different matter from working full time when they are teenagers.)
So yes, I regret it, & I wish I could have done things differently. Not because I think they missed out- but because after all this time I know I did.

This in spades. Your children will never be tiny again, but you can always go back to work. I had 8 years as a SAHM and went back to work no problem - well actually retrained into my current role which I adore. DD is still preschool age and I work 3.5 days - ideally I’d have done it a year later and would work half a day less. My eldest is about to go into year 6 and my god those years have zoomed. It goes so so fast.

My DDs are early 20s now and I worked FT after my maternity leave. I have a great relationship with them now and they grew up seeing their Mum loving her job.
my career is at a brilliant stage now having spent 35 years in the industry.
i only plan to stop in 10 years when my DDs my be having children to be able to do childcare for them..

I worked PT (2-3 days) whilst mine were little. I’ve never regretted it, even for a second.
Yes, we had to cut back on foreign holidays & house repairs etc but I have some lovely memories of the time I spent with them.
Now they are at school I’ve increased my hours again but I still have 1 day off a week. It means I can arrange appointments, clean, do life admin etc freeing up our weekends.
I’m not particularly ambitious with a high powered job mind you, so my career wasn’t really a consideration.

I work 25 hours a week over five days. My DS is 7. It really works for us.

I start at 8:30 so DS does breakfast club in the morning from 8am but I'm finished and back in time to pick him up every day at 3pm when he finishes which is lovely and gives us the afternoons together.

The biggest challenge is covering the 8:30 - 2pm during school holidays, but my employer is very flexible. I'm allowed to bring DS into the office if I need to. Though try not to when I can help it. Me and DH use annual leave, and DS' older siblings help out too pls the very odd holiday club.

Honestly yes you will regret it but if you do the opposite you will regret that too there is no happy medium where you won't have regrets so pick the one your most financially comfortable with

My DS starts school on Wednesday. When he was born I took a year off for maternity and a further year career break. I then worked 2.5 days condensed into 2 days for the last 2 years to allow me to spend as much time as possible with him.

I have likely damaged my career irreparably but it was absolutely worth it.

The last 2 years with him at nursery for 2 days every week while I worked has been a good balance. Other than that I’m with him pretty much all the time which I’ve really enjoyed.

We have no GP help as all 4 had died before DS was born so it has been just me and DH doing everything. We’ve thoroughly enjoyed it and wouldn’t have changed it for the world.

Work only as much as you need to while your DC are young.