Coping strategies for horrendous toddler meltdowns

[Muffintopmumma]

To get straight to the point, I'm really starting to struggle with my nearly 3 year old and his temper tantrums.

They're increasing in frequency and severity/length. They begin over tiny things and turn into unbearable screaming, hitting, throwing and I honestly have no idea how to deal with them anymore.

Yesterday there were three. Can't remember what the first was about. The second is because I asked him to put shoes on so we could go out. Final one was because I wanted him to get in the shower before pj's.

Sometimes it's over things that just not negotiable like changing his nappy or leaving to go somewhere we have to be.

The final one yesterday was the worst, no doubt because he was tired (doesn't nap anymore) but it was awful, really awful. The routine is the same routine he's had from day one pretty much. Stories, shower/bath, pyjamas, another story, milk, bed. Up until recently that's been fine, he's be great with bed times and he loves a shower but last night he spent 45 full minutes screaming at the top of lungs and crying. I took him out the shower, he screamed he wanted to get back in (and would have screamed again if I'd let him go back in), then he went on a rampage. Husband had to bring him downstairs naked basically in a bear hug so that we could simply get him into the living room where he can't escape. You can't really keep hold of him as he just gets angrier so we have to pretty much let him go and just stop him hurting himself/us. No matter what we did, he wouldn't/couldn't calm down but frankly neither could I. Being the third time I'd dealt with it I couldn't take much more.

How the hell do you manage these meltdowns? I really need some strategies to try and get these to last a lot less than 45 minutes.

I do my best to try and keep calm myself, but I'm a human so that doesn't always work. Dh is better at that than me, but that's not helpful when he's not there.

He's an otherwise happy, healthy child and no indicators of any ND.

When mine has a tantrum, i take him to the bottom step to sit until he calms down.

Sometimes I found getting down to his level and saying let’s have a talk works when we are out in public. But not always.

Have you had his hearing checked? My son still has meltdowns (he is nearly 5) but his behaviour was horrendous last year with hitting me all the time, and it turned out to be because his ears were badly blocked with wax. Had to get them suctioned. So might be worth ruling out.

Pick your battles, and give him as much choice over things that affect him as you can.
What happens if you just walk away and leave him to it?

Turn everything into a game. "I bet I can count to 5 before you can get into the shower" etc. and always let him win those. Give two options, "do you want your blue teeshirt or your green one?" Distract too. Bribery works sometimes and sometimes you have to choose your battles. If he won't go into the shower one night, then don't push it. It's about control. He is becoming aware of his wants and trying to control his environment. Sometimes it's over tiredness, sometimes stubborness.
My younger grandson has had tantrums since he was very small. It's incredibly tiring and frustrating for him. He's getting better as he can communicate his needs more clearly but we still get tears, shouting and stamping feet and he's nearly four.

Yes I agree with walking away sometimes and letting him get it out. I used to call mine a threenager! I think also you do need to be prepared to be a bit flexible, sometimes a shower just might not be happening that night. Its really difficult at times and there's no one right answer.

When I can't get him to calm down I tell him it's fine to be upset and to come find me when he wants a hug or to talk about it. Do not engaged with it anymore. I usually go sit on my bed.

I find when it's a tired tantrum they don't know themselves why they are upset, they just are. So it's no point reasoning with them.

Usually he comes after a few minutes, we hug, talk about why he is upset if he can articulate it and then see if we can find a compromise somewhere. Don't want shoes on? You have to put shoes on but if you want you can go in your crocs or wellies. Don't want to take a shower? Ok how about a quick flannel wash just to get the germs off? Or, Ok but that means straight to bed and a bath in the morning.

If you don't have the time because you have to go somewhere my go-to is being silly. If you can get them to laugh your half way there but you have to do it before they are in a full blown tantrum.

I don't have a lot of time to reply, but just wanted to acknowledge the responses so far.

I can't overstate the level of his anger when he's like this. I really can't just walk away and leave him to it because he can and does hurt himself, either through trying to pick objects to throw (will be anything he can get his hands on), or accidentally falling into something as he throws himself around. That's what I mean, I do try to let him get it out his system but I can't just leave him fully and go to another room because he's a danger to himself. And in all honesty trying to just let that one play out for 45 minutes is unbearable. I sometimes hope the neighbours can see into our windows so they can see I'm not actually hurting him.

In terms of choice, I do try that. Sometimes his only choice is NO, even with things he typically loves.

I'm certainly not a stranger to bribery, but I fear that this then just reinforces the fact he cant go mental and get something he wants. DH wanted to put the TV on for him last night but I asked him not to, because I felt if we turn it off after 10/15 minutes it's all just going to kick off again. Perhaps that was wrong on my part, but in that moment the thought of it all starting again was too much. My heart was thumping out my chest by that point.

We know that when people are having meltdowns they cannot listen or process information. In fact talking to them, touching them or adding any sort of additional sensory input can just make things worse. You can’t make them get through it any quicker. So you either need to try and avert the meltdown before it starts, or keep him safe until he has worked his way through it.
Can you create a safe space for him? Can you move some things out of his bedroom for instance to make it safer? Assuming it is a meltdown, as opposed to a tantrum for attention, I would put him in a safe place and stay with him, (because being out of control can be scary), but don’t speak to him or try and soothe him, reason with him, bribe him etc. You just have to wait it out.

Not sure i have any answers but ours was at the same stage a year ago and it has been better recently now he has a bit more stamina to get through the day and can communicate more.
I found it best to try to avert a tantrum through making him laugh or making something into a game. Exhausting though isn't it.

How are you health visitors round you? They might be able to get your LO checked for hearing etc and take a holistic look, they usually have more time per appointment than a GP.

I am right there with you. When my toddler kicks off about a non negotiable he will first try verbally to change my mind and shout over and over. After this he will scream and then lash out physically and spit at me. Here is what I do for what it’s worth.

Stage 1 (verbal shouting) I calmly repeat my decision and repeat a one line explanation.

Stage 2 (screaming) I ignore this. Focus on how small his hands are compared to mine. Pop in my earplugs. Remain close and calm.

Stage 3 (kicking/ hitting) ‘I’m going to move my body away from you to keep safe’ remain calm, try and focus on something else in the room like how much the plants need watering.

Stage 4 (spitting) At this point your toddler’s brain literally is not able to process your words or form words of their own. Get some kitchen roll ready but don’t use it. Wait. Look at tiny hands and teary face. Watch them start to crumble into absolute pieces. Offer a cuddle, then when they finally accept it just hold them and wait for them to start crying. When the sobs have subsided I then like to ask a completely random non related question like ‘who do you think is best at putting out fires, Marshall from Paw Patrol or Fireman Sam?’ Have a little chat and a reconnect. Ask him why he thinks I’m holding the kitchen roll? Get him to help me clean up the spit.

Then later on before bed we’ll have a chat about the hitting and spitting. Honestly at this stage their brains simply don’t have the function needed to calm down, past a certain point they’re not in control. So I don’t shame him, I just remind him that we have a rule not to spit because spitting spreads germs and makes people poorly.

My youngest has ADHD but wasn't diagnosed until he was 7. I used to ask him if he wanted a cuddle and if not, leave him in his room until he'd calmed down.

First, take a deep breath. Second, if you are trying to leave to go to the park or something, than the consequences need to match.... ie, you now aren't going to the park. The last tantrum from yesterday was exhaustion on his part, it sounded like he was just way over stimulated. I used to kneel ,down to their level so you can look him in thr eye and sort of lower your voice so you are practically whispering. I would say, can you tell me what's upsetting you, if he can't verbalize. I used to say, I'm sorry you are having a bad time, but you need to calm down now so we can figure it out. If he couldn't calm himself, I removed him from the situation. If we were home and he got that flailing crazy... I would sit on the floor and bear hug him until he calmed down... The 1st couple of times it takes a long time... like I sat for 45 mins... but once he realizes there is no reward for acting a fool it will end sooner.... the trick is to give very clear, simple directions... if you throw a tantrum at the store we leave... I only had to leave 1x... but you have to follow through with consequences or the tantrums will just continue to get worse.... good luck... you are doing great and it will change soon.

Ok some questions: how recently did he stop his nap (does he still need it)? Has there been a change in his life/routine recently - moving rooms at nursery, someone leaving etc? How is his communication in general?

My nearly 3 year old has epic meltdowns, but her communication is very good, so I find I can eventually talk her down (when she's out of her lizard brain). In the moment, it's just about keeping them safe, which it sounds like you're doing. I always talk to her afterwards to ask what she was angry about, and explain to her that I can't help her if she's screaming and not telling me what's wrong. I think it does, gradually, get through. I also try to give her as much control and choice as is reasonable and safe for her to have.

I've also noticed with both my kids that meltdowns are often directly correlated to tiredness, hunger, illness (or early onset of illness), or a combination of all three.

My advice is: don't have shower or stories when he is tired. Maybe have a bath before tea, PJ's before tea and have story earlier too
Simplify bedtime routine
Same with shoes given him something to do which is neutral whilst you put his shoes on. Give him a job but don't make it conditional on your leaving the house ..shoes and coats just up the ante
Make your day as simple as possible with as few choices as possible.
At that age mine still has a nap after lunch.
Quiet time after lunch perhaps if no actual sleep?

Work on communication games and stories about communicating when he isn't tired. Goldilocks is a good one for expressing anger and frustration. Roaring whose sleeping in my bed is a very helpful way to let off steam. Also three billygoats gruff.

He's learning to express his frustration but he doesnt know just what he wants.

its also worth thinking about how the day fits his developmental needs. Dd used to get very overtired so I assumed it was that but tbh she wanted more social interactions with other children and less fresh air/ parks /walks. The boys preferred the latter.

Give choices but make those choices simple...not a choice like go to park with coat or no park
Don't impose adult reasoning on a child. Think about things from a child's point of view. Maybe shoes have negative connotation after being in socks or barefoot - how can you give them a positive spin - where are those shiny shoes can you find them oh there they are let's sit on this step and I'll put my shoes on first, now you. Allow a lot of time for habits to be instilled. Children have sensitive feet.

It also sounds like he is ready for toilet training if he hates his nappy being changed. It's part of being independent.

The truth is that there are only a few things that are completely non negotiable like jumping in a pond or running into a road but most other things you can sort of rejig if you make them appropriate for the developmental age of your child. There really shouldn't be anything your child needs to do that they absolutely hate, if there is, it's worth rethinking how the day is set up and for whose benefit. We sometimes think our children need X and y when they don't. I used to make delicious meals my children refused to eat, looking back the tantrums could have been lessened if I worried less and had given them very simple but nutritious foo
.d to choose from

I put mine in his room with baby gate and child proofed room. Projector on with calming sensory videos on quietly. I go to the next room lie on my bed and block it out. Once he's calm i go in and lie with him and cuddle him.

Anything other than ignoring and letting him express his anger safely, results in worse tantrums, longer, more violent and me getting extremely disregulated.

Mine needs to let it out before he will accept any interaction. For him that means his safe space mentioned above. Nice quiet calm room. Bottle of milk. And he can then self soothe. And we can cuddle.

Hes 2. If while we are out and about i just stand and put on my best poker face and ignore until he calms. Then straight home. This is more difficult because he will throw himself on the floor every 2 feet on a particularly bad day but im not going to tell him off, nor am i going to make it worse by picking him up when hes in a rage. I get funny looks but i also get compliments for being so calm. And hes my child, I know him and how he will react and what he needs. Hes not a tactile boy as it is so during tantrums is a big no no.

Its hard. I found noise blocking earphones amazing - they're not actually earphones, they're for blocking out noise and ironically are for my son when he gets overwhelmed. I put those on which blocks loads of the noise but you can still hear. It's just a duller sound, less "nails down blackboard" deafeningly loud

You are also not surprisingly very triggered by his tantrums. We all want to be good parents and it's incredibly upsetting to think there is this impasse and surely it can't be possible when weve done all the right things.

ive been that parent who has lost their cool and when I look back I feel such compassion for myself...of course it was bloody hard and I judged myself for failing to have a child that did what I thought children should do. You have to unpick these emotions in yourself and realise you have these reactions because you ARE such a devoted mother and he has these reactions because he is a baby turning into a child not because either of you are failing.

Humour is the key as someone up thread said but not when they are mid tantrum obviously ! But before....

You are also not surprisingly very triggered by his tantrums. We all want to be good parents and it's incredibly upsetting to think there is this impasse and surely it can't be possible when weve done all the right things.

ive been that parent who has lost their cool and when I look back I feel such compassion for myself...of course it was bloody hard and I judged myself for failing to have a child that did what I thought children should do. You have to unpick these emotions in yourself and realise you have these reactions because you ARE such a devoted mother and he has these reactions because he is a baby turning into a child not because either of you are failing.

Humour is the key as someone up thread said but not when they are mid tantrum obviously ! But before....

But what does that teach him?

If you tell a child not to hit, you can’t then go smacking them.

Violence is never the answer.

Sympathies, OP. Tantrums are really hard. A couple of things that have worked some of the time with my little storm cloud:

1. In the example of not wanting to put shoes on, you could try making him feel sad for his shoes by looking sorrowful and talking about how much the shoes were looking forward to looking after his feet. I make my daughter’s socks talk to each other about how disappointed they are. I do this with baths, the car, anything she looks like flipping out about. She also used to get really cross about getting out of the bath (especially of over tired) so I would pretend her nightie was calling to her and excited to cuddle her.
2. If the tantrum was extreme and long lasting and I really needed to stop it I would pretend, extremely dramatically, to spot something out of the window or down the street or whatever. Then when my extreme gasps and sudden shift of focus shocked her momentarily into silence I’d ask if she saw it too and drip feed a description of a fairy/giant/weird bird/whatever while ‘looking for it’. This one only works if used sparingly, which is fine because it will make you feel mental.

If all else fails just zone out and get on with the laundry while monotonously saying every 15 seconds or so ‘are you ready for a hug yet? Mummy’s here when you want a hug but you keep crying if you need to’. This made no difference to her at all, I don’t think, but it helped me stay calm.

If he no longer takes a nap, do you do 'quiet time' in the afternoon?

It might be a good idea to bring his bedtime forward by half an hour to prevent a meltdown from over tiredness.

I'd also suggest lowering lights, playing some sort of soothing music (smooth jazz or classical) and having a weighted blanket to wrap him in.

For daytime meltdowns, it's best to give a series of warnings that a change is about to happen - five minutes and then 1-2 minutes.
You could also ask him to help you get ready - find the keys, find your jacket, remind you where you're going, add an item to a shopping list - 'Do we need ketchup/ cheese/ apples today'?

You could also ask him to choose between two pairs of equally acceptable (to you) shoes of his, or two jackets, etc. Give him a semblance of control over the situation in other words.

He's clearly developing a mind of his own, and developing his ability to focus on activities. Hand in hand with that normal development goes a continuing inability to see the pov of others or understand their sense of urgency.
Choice and being a 'helper' can go far toward making daily transitions easier.