Coping strategies for horrendous toddler meltdowns

[Muffintopmumma]

To get straight to the point, I'm really starting to struggle with my nearly 3 year old and his temper tantrums.

They're increasing in frequency and severity/length. They begin over tiny things and turn into unbearable screaming, hitting, throwing and I honestly have no idea how to deal with them anymore.

Yesterday there were three. Can't remember what the first was about. The second is because I asked him to put shoes on so we could go out. Final one was because I wanted him to get in the shower before pj's.

Sometimes it's over things that just not negotiable like changing his nappy or leaving to go somewhere we have to be.

The final one yesterday was the worst, no doubt because he was tired (doesn't nap anymore) but it was awful, really awful. The routine is the same routine he's had from day one pretty much. Stories, shower/bath, pyjamas, another story, milk, bed. Up until recently that's been fine, he's be great with bed times and he loves a shower but last night he spent 45 full minutes screaming at the top of lungs and crying. I took him out the shower, he screamed he wanted to get back in (and would have screamed again if I'd let him go back in), then he went on a rampage. Husband had to bring him downstairs naked basically in a bear hug so that we could simply get him into the living room where he can't escape. You can't really keep hold of him as he just gets angrier so we have to pretty much let him go and just stop him hurting himself/us. No matter what we did, he wouldn't/couldn't calm down but frankly neither could I. Being the third time I'd dealt with it I couldn't take much more.

How the hell do you manage these meltdowns? I really need some strategies to try and get these to last a lot less than 45 minutes.

I do my best to try and keep calm myself, but I'm a human so that doesn't always work. Dh is better at that than me, but that's not helpful when he's not there.

He's an otherwise happy, healthy child and no indicators of any ND.

I have 3 techniques that usually work to a greater or lesser extent

1. natural consequences: you don’t want to wear shoes? Ok. Let’s see how that works out. You’re feet are cold and wet? Shall we put your shoes on now? Great
2. the wouldn’t it be lovely game. You don’t want to go to bed? Yes, wouldn’t it be lovely if we never had to go to bed. What would that look like? What would we do with our time? Would we watch TV all night? Or go for a midnight walk? Tell me what you’d do
3. the colour game. DS can you see anything red? What? Look I can see something red, the grass is red! It’s green? So it is

The first one is obviously only when the natural consequences aren’t too terrible. The second 2 work because toddlers can’t use the primitive and developed areas of their brain at the same time. When they’re in tantrum mode, if you can get them to re-engage their thinking mind it moves them out of their primitive brain and calms them down

sometimes nothing works and I just leave them to it 🤦🏻

I'm sorry to hear the meltdowns are so bad. Mine is younger than yours, and I'm bracing myself for bigger explosions as they get older. At the moment, I deal with meltdowns by not sweating the smaller stuff. In most cases I either abandon the thing if it wasn't really important (missing a bath here and there if they are screaming about it or missing a walk. Even letting them miss lunch and substituting with healthy snacks as a last resort) or I just say we'll try again later when they are calmer. I talk to them on their level and offer lots of hugs. I also do the shock / distraction thing someone suggested, pretending I've seen something interesting outside.

The worst thing I tried was letting them watch something to calm down as it brought on another meltdown when I took the device away!

I do understand though that sometimes nothing works as there is an underlying cause. Maybe ask the HV for advice.

My lo was like this, it turned out in his case he is autistic so it may be worth getting some advice from gp / health visitor- chat to his setting to if he's in one.
Of course tantrums are normal part of child development too so that's not necessarily the case.
My advice would be the same either way.
Firstly, when in that state they can't listen or process anything. There is a great analogy of a sprinkler. If we are caught in a lawn sprinkler someone telling us we were silly to walk into it when we are standing getting wet and cold isn't greatly helpful. We need helping out of it before we can consider how to avoid it again. So whilst the tantrum is in full swing all you can do is sit with them, make sure they are safe, stay calm and ride it out. The only speak to remind them they are loved and you are here. If they are hurting you or another person then you can hold them and make clear that's not OK but the less you input the better.
For autistic people removing sensory input (noise, harsh lighting etc) can be very effective.
Pick your battles and avoid any unnecessary demand. When he's tired or tetchy do what you can for him- put his shoes on, brush his teeth, dress him. You aren't giving in, you're saving those things for when he has better capacity for it in calmer moments.
Avoid rushing. If you know you need to be somewhere start getting ready in plenty of time.
Give them choices wherever you can.
Talk to them when they are calm about prior difficult moments and see if they can understand why it was difficult so you can learn from it.
Make sure to always be clear about what is coming next and stick to a routine as much as possible. Whilst eating dinner for example you can drop in that now we are eating dinner, then you can play while mummy cleans up, then we will have a shower or a bath - which would you prefer? Then in the shower you can say after the shower we will get dry and then you can pick a story for me to read to you before we go to sleep.
Showers can be overestimating- you might do better with a bath.
I know very well that all of these things are much easier said than done - they are just my advice from my experience and you'll have to make whatever you try work for you in your home.
Most important- do what you need to do to take care of you so you can take care of them! Are you getting time to yourself at all?
Sending strength as its very hard dealing with strong willed children!

This ^