Can't control my almost 4 year old DS

[StressedGrapevine]

Posting for advice. I had a horrible situation yesterday, which has now made me feel really freaked out about looking after my DS by myself.

DS will be 4 in a few months. He's a lovely boy most of the time. However, he's currently going through a weird phase which I assume is some sort of development stage hell. He'll be a lovely, helpful and chatty little boy for most of the time but then suddenly, there will be this switch out of nowhere, where the bad behaviour gets ramped up to the max.

Yesterday, my DH (DS's father) was away for the afternoon (DH and I give each other afternoons off now and then to get a break, and it was DH's turn for one of these so he had gone, via public transport to a daytime classical music concert he really wanted to see).
I had planned a nice afternoon for me and DS, we first went to a new cafe for lunch and then on to swimming at our local outdoor pool. However, when it came to leaving the pool, DS suddenly switched to the worst behaviour I have ever experienced from him.

The pool has closed changing cubicles with doors, and while I was trying to get DS and myself dressed DS started throwing things at me while laughing (my trainers, his bag) and trying to escape under the small gap under the door. After 15 minutes of dodging missiles and wrestling to get him and myself dressed we finally got out of the pool.

However, the outdoor pool is in a park 2 km from our house (we had cycled there as DS can use a non stabiliser bike, and there are largely car free paths to get there). DS was ridiculous and running away from me and towards the lake. Nothing would calm him down and I can't carry him home as he's 18kg now and I am only 57kg (9 stone) and 5'5 myself.

When I caught DS and tried to stop him running away he just kept punching me in the arm or biting me. This behaviour was nuts and he's never been that violent to me previously. Maybe the very occasional single hit when extremely tired, but this was a next level hyper tantrum kick off.

I had no choice but to ring my DH between trying to keep hold of DS while he punched and bit me and asked DH to meet us in the park as soon as his bus got back. This meant I was stuck in the park for a further 40 mins with my DS hitting and biting me.

If my DH had been gone for the whole day I just don't know how the hell I would have got DS home. When DS doesn't want to move he just drops as a dead weight and there's nothing I can do because carrying him isn't possible.

I am now just really freaked out and scared by this realisation and wanted to know how other mothers manage this once kids get too big and strong to carry?

For reference, DS does face consequences at home, if he misbehaves he gets sent to his room for 5 mins, but that's not a strategy that works in a park.

Am I just confined to sticking extremely close to our house whenever my DH is away now?

Bump

Honestly?
I would take a buggy out with me, and tell him he either walks nicely or he is in the buggy.
But his behaviour sounds really extreme, and the consequences need to be a lot more severe than being sent to his room for 5 minutes (which isn’t a punishment anyway as presumably his toys are there?)

No, you aren’t. That seems quite a lot to me for a four year old. Cycling to lunch out and swimming and cycle back. My ds would have been very overstimulated by all of that on one day. Did he eat anything that might have contributed? Or conversely might his blood sugar have been low? In the moment I think I used to give them five minutes to get out the energy and then start implementing very small consequences. Ie if you bite mummy again I am going to hold your arms by your side for two minutes. Or sit on him. Or whatever you needed to do. Then repeat. For as long as necessary until he’s exhausted. Don’t ask for explanations or why he did anything. They are too young.

If you don’t feel you could get him into a buggy, and he drops to the floor, wait him out.
He will get fed up eventually.
Tell him, no problem, we will just wait here until you are ready to go.
Then completely ignore him until he decides he’s had enough.
I have had to do that before when kids that age decide they are no longer going to walk, (I’m a childminder) took an hour once but they eventually give in.

I suspect he was hungry after swimming, which wouldn't have helped, but still not a nice situation for you.

I think you need some small trips, that can be cancelled easily depending on his behaviour. You need to build up confidence again.

You absolutely can do "time out" in a park if that's what works for you - find a boring spot, and make him sit.

The biting and hitting needs to stop. You'll need to figure out how to - excellent suggestions from the post above me.

But equally, aged 4, I'd have picked him up and carried him. I guess you need to take the buggy.

@Haggisfish3, He had a Salmon and Cream Cheese bagel for his lunch so not exactly sugared up.
That's reassuring that they would eventually get exhausted and give up the tantrum, although I feel it might have taken another hour for DS to get to that point yesterday.

My DS was a demon at that age. Once we went to a pub for lunch, me and him and my friend and her son.it had a park there and DS lost his shit at some small thing and started hitting and kicking me. There were cars around and he was trying to run off- it was so embarrassing. I phoned DH to take him home - I was giving my friend a lift home and they had ordered their food so I couldn’t take DS back.

we were so cross with DS. He was massively told off and sent to his room for the day. He was not allowed his iPad or telly for a week. We took it very very seriously and he was very sorry. People might say we were extreme with his consequence but he never did it again after that. Not once and it was 10 years ago now.

I found this age the hardest with both of my boys. They are big enough to tantrum for long periods and harder to distract than a toddler. I remember one episode that went on for two hours.
I don't think 5 minutes in his bedroom is much of a consequence. You need an escalating list of punishments, withdrawing privileges etc.

How firm were you with him? Do you have a very strict no nonsense voice for this type of behaviour? Calling for his dad is really not a good idea as DS has got all the attention he's looking for.
As above posters have said ignore, wait it out, be boring. Ultimately if you must move on pick him up and put in a push chair, he is only 3 after all.

It does sound like he is getting over stimulated and over tired. You need to pace the activities, intersperse quiet activities with more strenuous ones.

I'd be taking away something he enjoys for the rest of the week, but leaving it at that. Give him a chance to do better on a similar outing.

Also, I'm kinda shocked by the number of people suggesting that a) swimming and cycling is too much activity for one day and b) you should put your 4yr old in a buggy. I don't know anyone in real life who used a pram past the age of about 2 or 3, especially not for a kid who can ride a bike without stabilisers! Both theories seem kinda infantilising. Are we seriously that disconnected from the physical capabilities of our children?

@3pears that is the approach I want to take but my DH, after some initial telling off, is back to behaving like it never happened with my DS.

I don’t mean to be harsh, and I know it’s difficult, but ringing his dad to help doesn’t help you in the long run.
You need to be a LOT stricter with him yourself, so he knows you are also an authority figure, or he will run rings around you.
Dont worry what other people are thinking, all kids misbehave.
He needs to learn that actions have consequences, and you need to enforce some very strong boundaries now, or he will continually test you.
And I say this not just as a cm, but as a mother of a (now adult) child who was EXTREMELY strong willed!

Don't let him cycle if you can't control where he might decide to cycle off to, that could be very dangerous. I agree probably too much in one afternoon, but even so hitting and biting is absolutely not acceptable. You put yourself in a difficult position with two bikes and an uncooperative child, I wouldn't do that again. If he won't walk you could try walking away and see if you get far enough he will decide to follow, or offer treats when you get home (if we hurry you can watch your favourite tv program or we will have time for an ice cream) or see if he will run if he doesn't want to walk.

The buggy was suggested as OP cannot physically carry him, not because her DS is not physically capable of walking.

@MolliciousIntent - Yes, this has surprised me too. DS can get out of the buggy straps so having a buggy there wouldn't have helped me in this case. This also wasn't an unusual amount of physical activity for him, the only difference is when he does his swimming lessons (rather than just a trip to the pool like yesterday) it's a few hours earlier in the day.

I don’t think you should ring his dad to come deal with it, it undermines you. Obviously as a one off you reached the end of your tether but I wouldn’t do it again. Cycling 4km, swimming and having to sit still at lunch I think is a lot for a 3 year old. Not too much but depending on how they slept and how they’re feeling that day could be overstimulating. His behaviour sounds a lot but he is only 3, I’m not sure what you’re expecting from dh today, he can’t just carry on shouting at him? Also I don’t mean this to be critical but your post is so full of class markers that it feels like it can’t be accidental. It reads like you’re trying to show you’re a good respectable person and so is ds. Is it possible this happens a lot in real life too and it’s a bit restrictive for ds to model such ‘good’ behaviour all the time

I am not expecting my DH to be shouting at my DS today but I had told DS there would be no bike or scooter for a week as a result of yesterday's bad behaviour, and DH isn't sticking to that.

I’d agree he was probably overstimulated and tired after a fun but exhausting day.
Also agree with some PP that sending for Dad sends the wrong message. I understand why you felt the need.
He has learned that if he behaves in that way that he then gets Dad’s attention too.
Look at the STAR approach
Setting Trigger Action Result
Use this as parents to unpick a situation after the event. Think about what DS achieved as a result of his behaviour and how you might react to the behaviour next time to change the outcome/ consequences or even prevent it.
As PPs have said is his bedroom an effective consequence or does he like to be there? Also mixed messages re bedtime at this age.
Sit down with Dad and agree some rules boundaries and agreed language and stick to them. Share non negotiables with DS no hitting no kicking no biting etc.
Every day is a fresh start.
Once he’s out of control use reduced language, don’t try to negotiate and even use planned ignoring especially at home.
Use some positive strategies and rewards.

What consequences have you implemented for his behaviour?
He’s punched you, bit you, threw things at you, ran off etc. To the point your DH has had to come to get him home.
A ‘telling off’ then back to behaving like it never happened doesn’t really seem appropriate for the extreme behaviour.

I did a parenting course and we were told when it comes to small children if they are not asleep they're probably tired and if they're not eating they are probably hungry.
It was a bit tongue in cheek but sometimes it is kinda true.
Cycling and swimming sounds exhausting for a 3 year old.
He probably was tired and hungry but didn't know how to process that in his little head.
(It's ironic that when little ones are over tired they have the energy to chuck things around and run off to where they shouldn't be - that's one if the mysterious of small children).
Personally I would walk to the swimming pool and taxi home if he seems tired.
Also I would dry and dress him first then hand him a small snack while you sort yourself out.

I wouldn't let a 4 year old hit me. You're the adult, you're the one in charge no matter how much screaming they do.

Completely agree with this - my ds is also completely exhausted by swimming or cycling and tiredness or hunger just sends him mad. I think they can cope with less stimulation than we'd like sometimes at this age.

I'd have given a countdown warning about leaving the pool in case that was the trigger ("However, when it came to leaving the pool, DS suddenly switched to the worst behaviour I have ever experienced from him...").

Beyond that, my behaviour strategy with my kids relies on them knowing that I will do what I say. So in your shoes it would have been something like, We will stay here (in a boring bit of the park) until you are ready to ride your bike; or locking up his bike and wheeling him home on yours. Frankly if one of my children bit me I would consider putting their arms behind them and frogmarching them forward, though I expect that's frowned upon on MN.

@MilkToastHoney - we cancelled a planned outing for today and DS knows that we are not going because of yesterday's behaviour.
He's going to be made to do his short journey to nursery (10 min walk away) on foot rather than on his bike or scooter for the rest of the week.
I wanted a total bike/scooter ban, but DH is out with him at the moment and he has his bike, so that's probably undermining the effectiveness of that sanction.

My DS was like this on occasion.

i had twins and my DH worked a good couple of hours away.

i simply sat down and let him tantrum it out.

it did take quite a long time on a few occasions but i couldn’t physically carry him and handle his twin sister so that’s what i did.

i did start carrying a book so I could at least read while he kicked off (if it was playground or similar).