Can't control my almost 4 year old DS

[StressedGrapevine]

Posting for advice. I had a horrible situation yesterday, which has now made me feel really freaked out about looking after my DS by myself.

DS will be 4 in a few months. He's a lovely boy most of the time. However, he's currently going through a weird phase which I assume is some sort of development stage hell. He'll be a lovely, helpful and chatty little boy for most of the time but then suddenly, there will be this switch out of nowhere, where the bad behaviour gets ramped up to the max.

Yesterday, my DH (DS's father) was away for the afternoon (DH and I give each other afternoons off now and then to get a break, and it was DH's turn for one of these so he had gone, via public transport to a daytime classical music concert he really wanted to see).
I had planned a nice afternoon for me and DS, we first went to a new cafe for lunch and then on to swimming at our local outdoor pool. However, when it came to leaving the pool, DS suddenly switched to the worst behaviour I have ever experienced from him.

The pool has closed changing cubicles with doors, and while I was trying to get DS and myself dressed DS started throwing things at me while laughing (my trainers, his bag) and trying to escape under the small gap under the door. After 15 minutes of dodging missiles and wrestling to get him and myself dressed we finally got out of the pool.

However, the outdoor pool is in a park 2 km from our house (we had cycled there as DS can use a non stabiliser bike, and there are largely car free paths to get there). DS was ridiculous and running away from me and towards the lake. Nothing would calm him down and I can't carry him home as he's 18kg now and I am only 57kg (9 stone) and 5'5 myself.

When I caught DS and tried to stop him running away he just kept punching me in the arm or biting me. This behaviour was nuts and he's never been that violent to me previously. Maybe the very occasional single hit when extremely tired, but this was a next level hyper tantrum kick off.

I had no choice but to ring my DH between trying to keep hold of DS while he punched and bit me and asked DH to meet us in the park as soon as his bus got back. This meant I was stuck in the park for a further 40 mins with my DS hitting and biting me.

If my DH had been gone for the whole day I just don't know how the hell I would have got DS home. When DS doesn't want to move he just drops as a dead weight and there's nothing I can do because carrying him isn't possible.

I am now just really freaked out and scared by this realisation and wanted to know how other mothers manage this once kids get too big and strong to carry?

For reference, DS does face consequences at home, if he misbehaves he gets sent to his room for 5 mins, but that's not a strategy that works in a park.

Am I just confined to sticking extremely close to our house whenever my DH is away now?

My ds is younger but the same size as your ds so I also can lift him but not carry for long.

I was also thinking that you've done quite a lot there in one go (even if all lovely things) and eventually my ds would have been over tired and would also have lost himself. So I'm thinking you've just tried to pack too many nice things into the time you had with him and you need to take the pressure off yourself.

I also approach discipline with ds as its my job to hold boundaries for him but it's not my job to coddle him out of a tantrum , only to support him through one.

So when ds acts like you've described I will let him tantrum (because once they've started you can't get through to them anyway), I hold arms and legs as needed to protect myself or anyone around from being kicked or hit and I'll say (I know X happening is disappointing but it's not OK to kick or hit or its OK for you to feel tired and hungry but I will not let you hurt my body) and let him ride it out saying yes it can be hard feeling angry etc and trying to name whatever emotion I think he's having and then when he starts to calm down I'll offer him a hug and then when he's regulated we will talk about what happened.

Consequences are important but at 3 he's not going to be great at emotional regulation still and it's important for you to understand why the behaviours happened so you can name it for him and then tell him what he CAN do instead of hitting kicking etc.

And as not to drip feed. I haven't actually seen my DS today - DH got up with him and took him out, as I am still stressed and frazzled by the whole thing.

My twin boys were WILD at that age. I remember having to leave one of their scooters in a park so I could carry him home (having a ‘silent’ tantrum and lying flat and stiff on the ground). I took the double buggy with me for much longer than with my singletons for the reason that no way could I carry both if they chose to kick off at once!

I agree that he was likely hungry and tired, and you can try and get ahead of the meltdowns with snacks and rest, but once they start you cannot reason with them, you just gotta remove them ASAP. I’d have got a taxi home in that situation, not sure if you drive but it’s good to have an easy escape plan and a conversation before you leave that any hitting/running off will mean you leave straight away, and stick to it. Sending solidarity. My twins are 8 now and mostly a joy!

It sounds like you use bikes as transport to get places you need to go to (nursery) rather than just fun bike rides.
So taking away the bike is probably a bit confusing to him.

Your husband needs to back you up with this. Biting and hitting you is not okay and he should be treating this seriously. How would he feel if he was on the end of it?

Your husband also should not have taken him out today. It’s rewarding your sons behaviour

@Iamuhtredsonofuhtred I do drive, but there's an awful never ending roadworks situation where I live which makes getting somewhere that it takes 10 mins to cycle to require a massive diversion on A roads to drive to. Parking is also insanely expensive where we are based. A taxi might be a good last resort option.

@DipsyDee , I asked DH to deal with DS today as I am aware that I am still extremely stressed by what happened yesterday and I don't want to be taking that out on my DS by being snappy and short tempered.
This possibly may not have been the best decision, but it was a case of me saying "You will have to deal with him today because I just can't face it" rather than DH's idea.

3-4 was a really tough age with my DS. Like yours he was a lovely, affectionate happy kid most of the time but capable of the most outrageous tantrums, often in public places. I remember taking him off a ride-on car which caused a monumental melt down with him pulling my hair, scratching, the works.
He grew out of it and is a very good natured, placid 13 year old now.

I think a 2km bike ride, followed by a swim, followed by another 2km bike ride is quite a lot and he would be starving and tired. Not to say he shouldn’t do that level of activity just take snacks next time to give him an energy boost and plenty of rest after.

Re the punishments, generally at that age, I found that delayed punishments aren’t that effective, it kind of punishes them on days later in the week where they are being good. I think they’re still young to deal with that.

I would probably have given him a punishment of sorts that afternoon, loss of favourite toy/programme etc then move on from it.

I think it’s fair to have support from your husband though and I’d like to think he’s having a big conversation about biting today when everything is calmer.

Agree with this (and now there are even more people piling in to say it was an exhausting day!).

We're a very active family and have the appetites to go with it - I'd have expected mine to be starving again after swimming at that age. Maybe that was going on here?

Frustrating that DS has had a day out today (even if the intention was to give you space, I'd have done something boring like the supermarket to avoid a reward...) and yes, also frustrating DH has taken the bike after you'd used it as a consequence. Hopefully he's also having a good chat with him which makes up for some of this? I think 4 is old enough that serious disappointment, from someone you care about and look up to, can actually have quite an impact - particularly at this point in time, rather than as an immediate response.

I'm a single parent so didn't have someone else to call on. I think I'd have waited it out in the park, even if it took ages. I could and did still lift him up and carry him away at that age, though, but 2km from home I think I'd have wanted to wait to get him to a position of being able to cycle home safely.

Well if he is 4 in a few months, then he is still 3, and that can be typical behaviour for that age. It all sounds way too much for him and he must of just needed a nap.

I had a little boy like this once and we worked out he was horribly intolerant to food additives. Especially colourings and aspartame (<<< the worst) which I never had at home but he’s have at other people’s houses. He later was diagnosed with ADHD and Autsim. He’s 22 now and still very sensitive to alcohol or fragrances etc.

It's useful that lots of people have mentioned the hunger after swimming. His classes are always just before lunch and he has lunch immediately afterwards. A key difference here was we were at the pool from 3.30-5.
If I am ever brave enough to attempt to take him to this outdoor pool again, I may bring sandwiches and make him eat that with a towel wrapped around him before attempting to get changed and leave the pool.

I think cancelling the outing and making him walk instead of bike/scooter sounds really good consequences for that age.
However, you’re right, taking him on an alternative outing on his bike is completely undermining the consequence.
Cancelling the outing but going somewhere else instead isn’t really a consequence!

Having his bike for some trips but not others will just be confusing for him and won’t register as a consequence for his behaviour. Especially if he’s got his bike today but then it’s taken off him tomorrow for nursery.
Consequences need to be quite immediate when they are young.
What if he behaves beautifully today with his bike then loses his bike tomorrow?

You need to discuss with DH and come up with an agreed consequence. Then tell DS what behaviour is expected of him and what will happen if he hits you/runs off.
Then follow through on whatever consequences you have set.

You need to talk to your DH because he has totally undermined you.

I Would have snacks for after swimming in future.

also I’d not let him bike if he can’t behave and if he tantrummed like that on me once I’d have reins with me for going forward and I’d put him in them. And then I’d be able to hold him and control him. And most importantly keep him safe. If he’s going to behave like a baby he will be treated like one.

if he’s tantrumming like that he’s simply not safe to be on a bike as you can’t safely get him home.

I think he needed food after swimming. I'm always starving after a swim. Live and learn, always feed after a swim.

I would have expected mine to need a substantial snack after swimming and before cycling home. I generally have a minimum-mess snack with us when we go swimming in case someone starts losing the plot and needs to eat in the cubicle before we're all changed – it's saved us more than once.

Once they've fully lost it, I agree that if you can't carry them, wait it out if at all possible. Taxi home as a back up.

In general, 'you need to come sit down here until you calm down' or similar is a very portable consequence. Even at home, I generally have them sit somewhere near me, so I'm there with them and can support if needed, but without anything for them to do.

I think it's a tricky age for more serious consequences – a week of no bike seems like a long time for a child of that age, when their own concept of time can still be pretty shaky. And you don't want to get into a situation where he feels like there's no point in behaving because he's already lost the bike for what feels like forever. I'd probably have gone for serious disapproval from both you and DH, and then him working with DH yesterday to do something nice for you, with some talk about 'your behaviour hurt and upset Mummy, what can we do to make her feel better?', i.e., when we hurt someone, it takes work to fix it.

I think he was hangry and overstimulated. Have snacks in the swimming bag. The bagel was quite high GI so he may have been on a sugar crash.

My DD was exactly like this and tbh still has her moments at 12...

Little Life backpack with reins (that are stored in a pocket) could be good. I used one to stop DD posting herself out of arrow slit windows/jumping into the moat at a castle! And to stop her cousin running into the road.

@Needlenardlenoo I already have those backpack reins but DS has worked out how to wiggle his way out of the backpack and take the whole thing off. They were very useful for a while though.

With my 4 year old, I'd need to give her food before the cycle ride, after it, and then immediately after swimming and then as soon as we arrived home as well. She just burns through food at the moment and she also becomes absolutely unbearable if her blood sugar drops. I also take her on really active days, but she's a complete beanpole and I have to bring so much food with me and plan all the times when I'm going to offer her food! It makes such a difference to her behaviour. We definitely had some behaviour along those lines and then she'd work herself up further and get hungrier and hungrier! When I take her swimming, I literally get her to eat something when we're changing. Completely agree your DH should also be having stern words re: behaviour and agree re: taxi as a back-up and avoiding calling him if at all possible.

Mine was a bit feral at that age too, it is hard but I learned I needed to be extra strict on consequences so he knew I really meant it. He threw a (small, much loved) car at me once and I immediately said it was going away for a week because it was not ok to throw things at me. He asked for it a few times but soon realised I wasn't budging - and he's never thrown anything since.

Did he eat straight after swimming? It knackers them out so much, I have snacks in my bag ready for the changing room and then we go get food nearby - a long walk or cycle straight away would be impossible.

Immediate, directly related consequences work best, it can't be anything too abstract or confusing. Having his bike today makes no sense, you need to make it clear it's completely gone for the amount of time you said it would be.

@tripleginandtonic It's easier said than done to say that you'd never stand for a child hitting/biting you. If you'd told me I would be in this situation a year ago I would never have believed you. However, I now think people who say this must have never experienced a truly wilful child.

The reality is that it's not possible to restrain him without me getting hurt. He's bashing and biting the arms I am using to hold him. If I let go, he runs towards the lake, if I try to hold his arms he starts kicking and I just physically can't hold down all four limbs at once.

I would try reducing the length of the swimming session and adding more snacks. 1.5 hours of swimming, late in the day, on top of other physical activity and without a snack to follow = hangry tired 3 year old = meltdown.

Sit on a child?

I have a buggy for my nearly 4yo who runs off, mostly not used but just in case, she also will go to the floor and not move so reins didn’t always work. Many buggy’s go up to 22kg