Regretting potential sibling age gap: 4+ years

[MCMP13]

TTC baby number 2 is not going as we hoped and the age gap is now looking to be 4+ year which is again, not what we hoped. Anyone have experience of this age gap? Looking for reassurance tbh 😭

We have a 4.5 year age gap, both same sex and I worried too. It’s been better than we could have imagined tbh; they play so nicely together (argue too but that was expected!). The younger one adores his older brother and the older one’s confidence has grown so much from this. They want to do things together all the time. And when the youngest was born, the eldest was old enough to fetch nappies and get involved which he loved.

the only hard part has been now, as they’re getting older. One is 8 and one is 4 and sometimes it’s hard to find things they both like to do such as softplay being too babyish for the 8 year old but perfect for the 4 year old. We manage though and honestly, don’t regret a thing.

It's my favourite gap of my lot.

Hasn't caused any issues and they still get on well at 10 & 14.

My situation was not by choice either though different circumstances to your own. I have a 2.5yo DD and a 7.5yo DS and they're gorgeous together. Sure DD gets on DS's nerves when she touches things he's building (lots of Lego in our house) but generally they play beautifully together. DD thinks DS is hilarious and DS absolutely dotes on DD. I wouldn't have it any other way tbh!

The best part was DS was settled in school when DD came along so he got his time to be him and I got plenty of 1:1 time with DD

My two are 4.5, years a part. Eldest is a boy and youngest a girl. They get on brilliantly. The oldest was old enough to understand when youngest was a baby. Would even help out a bit and was pretty self sufficient. So made it easier to parent. As they grew older together they play nicely together. Youngest loves spending time with her brother. They are 12 and 7 now and actually get on really well. Oldest looks after youngest and even helps with her homework. They play Roblox together sometimes and generally are great together. They do fight occasionally but never physical. More arguments and annoying each other. But 90% of the time it's great.

My sibling is 5 years older than me and we’ve always got on great!

All the age gaps have pros and cons but it's also ok to have a preference. It's even ok to decide to stay as a 1 child family if you feel that the gap is too big for your family. Definitely read others experiences though and think about how you could make it work.

DH and his brother have a 4 year gap. They are best friends, always have been.

My sister is 5 years younger than me, we were close as kids and are close as adults. It’s fine.

DD is now 18 and DS is 13, nearly 14 and they're best friends. Always have been. DD is off to university next month and DS is bereft.

All the gaps gave pros and cons. Ours are 10, 7 and 2. Our 10 year old is a young 10, and I worry it's because of her siblings. But they all get on well!

I have a six year age gap (same father, just took a while deciding about having a second as first baby was so difficult). It's amazing. My son was a bit put out when he found out the new baby was going to be a girl but is now besotted with his little sister. She's only 6 months currently but he loves to help play with her, read to her, fetch me things when I need them. He gets annoyed when he hasn't had enough cuddles with her in a day and takes great pride in being her favourite member of the family and making her smile the most. I also feel it allowed me to fully enjoy my son being small without having two to stress about, and let me have the whole newborn cuddles on the sofa watching Netflix all over again whilst he is at school!

I have five years between mine. The pros are that they have never really argued. The eldest has always been lovely with the little one and really looked out for her. The little one adores the eldest. There has been no jealousy because they have needed different things from us and not really occupied the same space. There cons are that they haven’t played together like some siblings do and occasionally on holidays it has been hard to do things that suit both. The gap wasn’t a choice and all in all it’s been great.

I think this is the nicest thread I’ve read on mn for a while. It’s warmed my cockles!

good luck with number 2!

I've got a 4y4m gap and it's mostly brilliant. When DS was born, DD was old enough to do some things by herself, or with less help at least. Then she started school when he was a few weeks old so I had time with just DS like I did with DD. DD liked to help when DS was a baby, and watching her play kept him very happy!

Now they're 11 and 7. They bicker a LOT (6 and 2 was probably the worst!) but still play together all the time. DD mostly loves being a big sister and has always enjoyed "looking after" DS, and in turn DS idolises DD and wants to do everything she's doing! They're currently discussing whether DD will be allowed to pick DS up from school this year (she'll be in Y7) so "we can walk on our own without Mum"....... They're each other's favourite!

I have a 5 year age gap and it’s great (they are 7 & 12 now). I wouldn’t have wanted them any closer together. It’s ideal. It meant I had loads of time with each of them as babies and toddlers (eldest started reception when I went on mat leave so I was home her first year of school, which was good for her). There have been no downsides at all.

Yes, 14 and 10, no issues with gap at all in fact I literally never think about it. My parents just took them on a caravan holiday and eldest made new mates at the football courts and youngest was happy in the disco with his younger cousin. I’ve always really pushed with their friendships and socialised in groups where they each have someone but they get on well anyway.

There was four and half years between my brother and me. We had no relationship until I was around 18 and he was 14. As a child I always envied my friends who had siblings close their age. I always swore if I ever had children there wouldn’t be a large age gap.

I think it’s a pretty common age gap these days. There are 3.5 years between mine but 4 school years due to the way the birthdays fall and there a loads of families with the same with eldest going into Y4 and youngest starting reception.

There are definitely pros and cons of ANY age gap. Big pros are that you shouldn’t have issues with jealousy or arguments, you’ll have lots of 1:1 time with the baby whilst the eldest is at school and the eldest may even be quite helpful. Cons are that it’s often hard to find activities that suit both.

Same but my brothers who are less than 2 years apart are not. It’s more about personality and who they are as people than age gap, in my personal experience.

We only have one DC, but my sibling and I had a large age gap. My observation is that anything from 4 years up is quite good from the getting in as they get older perspective.

We have just under 4 years between ours and their relationship is beautiful. And it has been since dd (the youngest) was about 6 months

The very early weeks were difficult though. Ds was very hurt and jealous

We had bog standard 2.5 yrs between 1 and 2. Then an unplanned gap of 10 years.
All inclusive can say is that I think thr closer the gap the more the sibling rivalry. And that is not always a good thing.

Mine are 5.5 years apart. It was our choice, but I wouldn't change it if I had my time again. Time to spend with baby while eldest at school, not dealing with a toddler running off while trying to deal with a baby out and about etc. the eldest was already pretty sensible when ds born. They are 15 and 10 now and I would say get along as well as pretty much any siblings we know. The youngest loves the eldest to play with them and looks up to them. The eldest, while needing their own space, enjoys the excuse to act younger and play without judgment from others because she's 'looking after her brother'.

We haven't found it as hard to do activities with both as you might think, although that presumably partly personality dependent. Eg bigger soft plays, trampoline parks, theme parks etc tend to have more than a 5 year range of ages they suit, both like swimming, both like zoos etc. Some years they have both had Lego for Christmas etc. obviously sometimes we need to 'divide and conquer' but I think we'd want some one to one time whatever ages. And actually, I've noticed less jealousy / complaining to be allowed to do same things as eldest from my youngest than some of his peers, presumably because they've always been at such different stages he doesn't expect to always get to do the sane things.

I suppose one downside is that group socialising as a family is harder as none of their friends have similar gaps, whereas people I know with 2 year gaps seem to have friends where both siblings get a child their age to play with, as the gap is more common. But I suspect we might never have been group socialising people anyway! Also, I had to go 'back' to crawling round a soft play with a baby toddler after having a taste of sitting back with a coffee, whilst my NCT friend watched both of their 2 year gaps kids run off happily to play. But I'd take that over the watching 2 babies / toddlers go off in different directions they'd had to deal with!

As I type they are chatting away happily about a Switch game. They have a great relationship.

Following as in same position! I've had 3 losses, the age gap we were trying for was 3.5, but it will now be 4+.

I remind myself that my own siblings are 3.5 and 6.5 years older than me. We are all close. In particularly close to the elder one, as we are the sisters. Growing up, of course we were into different things, but the age gap becomes a non-issue in adulthood!

The age gap between me and my siblings is 4 years then 3 years 8 month (but 4 school years).Due to attending separate infant and junior schools, the only time we were ever in the same school together was in Secondary school. It meant that we each had our own identity. We did different things but as we got older my sister and I are closer. Another benefit of the age gap was that when I the youngest was seriously ill in hospital for six weeks when I was 5 my siblings being 9 and 13 could be cared for by neighbours abd relations much more easily.