Regretting potential sibling age gap: 4+ years

[MCMP13]

TTC baby number 2 is not going as we hoped and the age gap is now looking to be 4+ year which is again, not what we hoped. Anyone have experience of this age gap? Looking for reassurance tbh 😭

I have a 9 year age gap. They love each other. They get on and they argue. Ones 9. Ones 18. They’re are pros and cons. But it’s great having another pair of hands. Oldest is very hands on. Does school runs and park trips.

5 years (almost to the day) and it was honestly great. DD was in full time school so I had all day on my own with DS. We could nap when needed, I could sit and BF without being disturbed. By then DD could dress herself, slept all night etc. it meant I was less tired and could give her attention when needed. SIL had a second baby at the same time as me but had a 2.5 year gap and I think it was harder for her managing a toddler and a newborn.

As time went on (they are adults now) they got on really well and are close. The gap didn’t seem so much as they got older and DD was there to look out for DS when he started primary and se ondarybschool. They get on much better than my brother and I did with a 2 year gap. We fought constantly.

Ours are 4+ years apart and different sexes and they have always got on really well. It’s has been much less stressful than for people I know with same sex close in age kids.

nice things
-I was on maternity leave for the eldests reception year at school.
DD was a bit more independent and could take herself to the toilet/dress herself/ not need to be carried etc so that made life easier for me
They had different interests so there was no fighting about toys but enough in common that they would still (and to this day do) play together and share stuff. They both like Marvel and Minecraft and movies and animals.
DD helps DS with issues better than I can often. She helped him when he was having a hard time at school and he always asks her to pick outfits for him when he’s going out!

Overall they have a lovely relationship and there’s lots of advantages to a bigger age gap. Ours was not planned either and was due to multiple miscarriages that I had.

All three of mine one boy, two girls have 4yrs between them, they get on really well and are close. They enjoy hanging out together, it also made nursery/nappies and all that stuff much easier and less of a financial burden when they were younger. Really shouldn’t be anything to worry about…

Mine are almost 5 years apart. Both boys. It’s great. No sibling rivalry. One is nicely independent which left time for me to sort the younger one. They’re 9 and 4 now and play happily together. Picked this gap by choice as thought of kids close together brings me out in a cold sweat!

We have a six year gap partly due to difficulty conceiving the second time and it has its pros and cons. A small age gap would have been very difficult for us I think. I got on better with my sibling who was much younger than me rather than the one who was 2 years younger and still do.

I would agree with many posters here. I've got 5 and some very close together (1 year apart for two, and 16 months apart for two, one down the middle, same Dad for all) and the ones that get on the best are 7 years apart. Second eldest one (a girl) massively looked forward to youngest being born (a son) and was very happy to help with him, monitoring him at soft play etc. making sure he was always OK, and didn't mind the minecraft stage, sulky teenager etc. Even thought they are now grown up, youngest is 19, the bond stays, and they are very close, enjoy the same things, same jokes and so on. I would not worry about it for a moment if I was you. And, it massively helps most of the time "can you keep an eye on X while I go the loo for 2 mins", I have never used the older ones as cheap childcare / amusement, never expected them to do anything that even approaches childcare, but they absolutely love each other. The two sets that are close in age fight like cat and dog. Deep down I know they love each other, but they don't show it. Don't see it as a negative thing, it can be massively positive x

I have a 4.5 year age gap and a 5.5 year age gap. It has all been brilliant. There’s suing friction, but I think all siblings have friction. The relationships between all of them are unique and ever-changing.

i have a 3.5 year age gap with my sibling and we are incredibly close. The teen/pre-teen years were tough, but I think there will always be tough times.

4 years between mine. I really like it. They almost never argue and never really have. Eldest was more independent by the time baby no2 arrived which made life a lot easier with a newborn.

DH has 6+ years between him and his next sibling and they are very close as adults.

We have a 4 year age gap and it seems to be quite common in families we know in London - I feel like it's a bit of a status marker for more affluent families as they haven't needed to rush to get the childbearing done in a short time to protect their career status.

I really loved the baby/toddler years as a sahm so it worked well for me to do it properly twice over and to do extended bfing and have plenty of one to one time while the eldest was at school.

My dcs get on great and I feel like dc1 has been allowed to enjoy imaginative play for longer by having a younger sibling, and dc2 has matured earlier to catch up, so they play almost like they have a 2 year gap as they meet in the middle. We've not had problems finding trips out that are suitable, although so far we tend to do things that suit dc1, and dc2 tags along and does the bits that she's able to (eg big soft plays, adventure playgrounds, musicals, trampoline parks, theme parks). It helps that DH is hands on and can look after one child while I have the other - it's far more difficult when I have both on my own.

I don’t know if this helps but our age gap is 7y. Older boy has complex SEN too so I was very worried.

But it’s been amazing so far. There is zero jealousy - older one is independent and plays on his own, understands when baby needs attention. Tries to help (is always ready with a blanket to tuck around her or a toy), can watch her for a few mins so I can jump in the shower, wants to play with her and entertain her.

I about a study about ideal age gaps and it turned out to be 4y (they didn’t look at over 4) presumably because of al the individual time the older child had with their parents which gave them a very secure attachment.

I don’t know how it will go in the future and it won’t be so easy as my older one becomes a teen and has a toddler/preschooler sibling, but right now they’ve had the most positive start to their relationship. The baby is a difficult one too, so I’m really relieved that I don’t have to worry about my older boy for a change.

We have one of each, there is a 4.5 year age gap this was not intentional- missed miscarriage when DC1 was aged 2 then it took over 12 months to conceive DC2

They get on brilliantly (most of the time!) yes there is arguing/fighting at times but I was like that with my siblings

Personally, I never gave too much thought to ‘sibling age gaps’ but I did start getting stresssed about it when DC1 was aged 3 and I’d had the MMC and nothing seemed to be happening re TTC number 2

Try not to stress too much (easier said than done obvs)

One massive bonus (to me) of having 4.5 year age gap was that DC1 started reception when DC2 was just a few months old, I got to enjoy time with the baby while 4 yr old was at school, I was on maternity leave so I was doing drop off/pick up every day with baby in pram and did not have to contend with return to work until year 1

Looking back that was a glorious time for me, got to spend such quality time with baby DC2 and be there each day for DC1 ahhhh

I'm on mat leave with an almost 4 year gap and I've met loads of mums with a similar gap. It's a great gap and this is actually backed up by research. It's also the most natural gap as its what hunter gatherer societies have. They use extended breastfeeding as contraception so that they dont have another child until the youngest one can walk long distances. It makes perfect sense!

We have a 4.5 year gap. I think it is much like any age gap. Sometimes they bicker, sometimes they are best of friends and sometimes they are in different places doing different things. We probably do things individually with them more than we would if they were closer in age, so DD1 might go with one parent to a theatre show that isn't suitable for DD2, whilst DD2 goes to a zoo with the other parent. But I think that is really lovely.

Age gaps are like children - you just need to embrace and love the one you've got.

I have this age gap and it’s been fine, but they get on really well. I had this age gap between me and my brother and we were close growing up and have stayed close.

My husband is 5.5 years older than his brother and they are exceptionally close and the best of friends. Always had shared interests and friends now they are grown up. They are a 100 times closer than I am to my twin.

I had a twin and an older sibling 4 years older. Growing up, we all played together and got on and if anything it was my twin and sibling who got on better as they were both boys and as a teenager I was much closer to my older sibling than my twin. I never really thought as 4 years as a large age gap, growing up it seemed standard and we always did everything as siblings together it never seemed an issue!

Heya we’re in a similar position. Miscarried in May at 10 weeks, little boy just turned 3. I had thyroids issues in the year after he was born that meant we couldn’t try for ages. Then other complications. I was really upset and the miscarriage was a huge blow (had three losses before him). But what I will say is I find our son is getting so much easier and I genuinely think I’ll be a better mam to two with the bigger age gap then planned vs two smallies. There’s pros and challenges with all age gap but I dunno the understanding our son has of things makes life a lot easier these days, whereas he was a lunatic of a two year old and I don’t think we’d have coped well with a baby in the mix also. Some people manage it really well, but I’ve a lot of friends that don’t and have told us outright they wish they waited (anyone reading this two smaller age gaps please don’t come for me, everyone’s circumstances are different and I’m just giving my reflections). Whereas all my mates with the bigger gaps, apart from a period of fighting that just seems to happen with all siblings, they all seem fairly happy and calm. Their bodies also recovered from the first due to the time it takes and there just seems to be a lot of pros I never considered.

Ive started looking at the benefits of the bigger age gap and am trying to trust the timing of life more. My son took years to come to fruition and he’s here chatting away to me this morning ❤️ Trying to trust the process and timing of life, but it’s hard. Good luck with everything.

Not quite the same but my first and third are 4.5 years apart the little ones 10months and his big sister is very very sweet with him

My step-children are 6 years apart plus they’re boy/girl. It’s a horrible age gap and was particularly bad when they were younger as they wanted to do completely different things and there was no compromise. I’ve only got one and by the time I got with DH, the minimum age gap would have been 13 years and that’s if I’d got pregnant on our first date. I was sad that we didn’t have a child together but we still have a great life and I love my DS and DSS. Not so much DSD.

I genuinely didn't even realise there was such problems with a four year age gap until coming on mumsnet. Half of my year at school had siblings in my siblings year at school. Growing up, we all played out as a big group in our street. Days out and holidays were never a problem. I don't recall any of these problems that seem to crop up that a four year gap is impossible.

We don't get on now, but that's due to him being an arsehole 😂. Nothing to do with the age gap!

Thank you for your replies. I am now pregnant and the age gap will be almost 4 years to the day 🤦🏻‍♀️ very much looking forward to it x

Congratulations op 🥰