Second child after difficult first?

[User7164]

DS is 3 and a half and we have been debating (/putting off) having a second since he was about 2.

I had a traumatic birth, 2 years straight of NO sleep (followed by the last 1.5 years of slightly better but still not adequate sleep), lots of troubles with reflux, intolerances etc in the beginning. I really struggled with the baby stage and only just feel recently like I’m coming out the other end. LO has always been a total wild child, constant energy since birth and totally wipes me out most days but I adore him, he is the most kind, generous, thoughtful little boy given he is an only child, especially compared to other kids his age with siblings (I know a lot of people consider only children to be spoiled brats!).

I’m dying to give him a sibling. I have 2 and couldn’t imagine not having close family as I don’t have many friends and I rely on them a lot, especially during difficult family times etc. But logically I just can’t bring myself to put myself through it all again, especially with a toddler this time. I do also consider that I was quite a young FTM, and this time might be different with more expertise / maturity?

Would it be stupid to go for it? How hard REALLY is it going from 1 to 2 (only if you’ve had a difficult first, no angel babies!!!).

I'd go for it. Yes it's hard in the baby stage but DS1 will likely be in school by the time any second child arrives, and that time goes a lot faster second time round.
You can't bank on being able to conceive a second immediately either (although i hope you do).

I found first child very hard and didn't feel like trying for a second around 18mo in, but having problems conceiving made me realise how much I wanted it. And now 7 years on it's amazing having 2. They entertain each other as well which is a break for you! (Made up for by the time you have to spend intervening in squabbles....)

My child was objectively fairly easy even though I found the baby years tough, so I'm not quite in the same position - but he was far easier to deal with at 4 compared with 3. 3yos are crazy!

Our first was really tough and energy wise she’s still a bit of a wild child at 5. We always wanted 2 I had many moments of apprehension. It took us longer than we had hoped and our second DD is only 6 months now but it’s night and day. Strangely Im finding it so much easier with 2 than I did with just 1 because I’m more experienced and don’t worry about nearly as much as I did first time around. Also the gap means DD is soooooo much calmer now (even if she is still quite spirited) and can do many things on her own loke get dressed, go to the toilet, get her cereal etc, she’s an amazing little helper too and takes her role as big sis very seriously.

Dont get me wrong, the hard stuff is still hard. But like most things, it’s a phase and it passes. Best decision we made.

i had a hard baby 1 - reflux, cried a lot and even now at nearly 3 is a bit of an incessant whinger and not the best at entertaining himself and always wants me to play.
we decided to bite the bullet and welcomed our second baby 9 weeks ago. It’s hard don’t get me wrong but nowhere near as hard as 0-1. My almost 3 year old also still does his 3 full nursery days so that really helps.

the second baby, Altho Easier, is still not an “easy dream angel” baby and I’ve resigned myself to the first 6 months minimum being so hard but I’m hopeful that as both children age it will get better and I’m really hoping they entertain each other, as I’m rubbish at playing 🤣

I had a very difficult time with DC1, awful birth in lockdown, he had delayed development, physical issues, behavioural issues, bloody awful sleeper for a long time.

We decided to have DC2 once things had calmed down a bit with DC1 for the same reasons as you, also thinking ‘hey we know what we are doing now so we can handle things better’

Nope.

DC2 has been worse. Such a bad sleeper due to a health condition (for which we’ve had to pay for private surgery as the NHS is shit) that i ended up having a breakdown due to exhaustion and needed time off work.

I love my kids, but they have destroyed me. Don’t do it.

I'm really sorry to hear that. How old are they now? are things looking up?

My first was and is difficult. My second is even worse. 😵😵😵😵

They are 4 and 1. It was only a few months ago I had the breakdown and DC2 only just had the surgery so we’re still very much in the thick of it.

The things I found easier was that time does go faster with number 2 and you know that things will pass. I also found that I wasn't so anxious with DC2, I'd happily be breastfeeding them while making a cup of tea for example.

I don't think it helps to tell people that the second one just slots right in. That wasn't the case for me at all, how the hell does a demanding little person that won't be put down for months and wants feeding every couple of hours just fit in🙄?

For what it's worth I had loads of moments of regret in the first year of DC2s life because things are logistically easier with one. It started balancing out more when DC2 became mobile and more of a playmate for DC1. Now I really like having two.

I had two that were average difficulty.
But my best mate had a very tricky first, and the second is the same if not worse. The poor woman is broken and I’m ashamed to say i see very little of her now as its so awful spending time with her as the kids are always there as no one will manage babysitting them.
Think carefully would be my advice, or at least have a big gap so the eldest is well established at school first.

I found going 0-1 harder than 1-2! The first years are brutal (I imagine - mine are 3.5 and 7 months old) but I'm hopeful that it'll get easier 😂 I found the second just added to the chaos, the first trailblazed chaos...

DC1 was a tricky baby, would wake up every 2 hours without fail till over 6 months, you could never put them down just cried and cried. Coupled with a horrible birth I delayed trying for another and then had infertility issues.

My gap ended up being nearly 5 years and by that time DC1 was much easier and in preschool. DC2 was totally different, slept, was happy go lucky and birth was a joke compared to first.

Honestly in our case having 2 has made life so much easier. My clingy DC1 who always needs a companion now has DC2. I think in your case with the oldest close to school age they should hopefully mellow before sibling arrives and 🤞🏼 your DC2 turns out more chilled.

I'd look at it piece by piece – the things that made it difficult the first time round, how likely are they to reoccur, and with what you know now, could you make it less bad? Or would a second time be about the same? Or worse? And then decide if the combination is something you could manage or if it really just isn't possible anytime soon.

So my first was a very difficult birth, but it was due to a combination of factors considered unlikely to reoccur and the consultant who did my birth debrief had already outlined a plan to deal with it better next time if it did reoccur. That felt manageable to me.

Could you manage sleep differently between you and your partner, for example, if your second was also a poor sleeper?

Reflux and intolerances – you'd recognise the symptoms quicker now, and obviously there's a family history. Do you think your doctor would be receptive and get suitable treatment quickly for a new baby? Or does it feel like it would be an uphill battle to persuade them that, yes, baby 2 is showing signs of CMPA/similar, and yes, you really do need to try the expensive specialist formula?

My first was a godawful HE pregnancy, terrible birth, PTSD and PND, no sleep for three years, colic till four months when she took a break for one (1) day then started furiously teething instead (had all her teeth by 16 months, no wonder she didn’t sleep), my nipples were like beef jerky, you name it. She mellowed into a terrific toddler and is a great albeit too talkative 6yo.

Second DC was a worse pregnancy, I feared I’d royally fucked things… dream birth. Dream baby. Slept and still sleeps at 2.5, no sign of dropping the nap, it’s blissful. I watched every season of Grey’s Anatomy on maternity leave, he just slept and fed like a breastfeeding Olympian. He’s a ratbag of a toddler, highly energetic and stubborn (DD was never!), but life is easier with him in a way because they get along – I get more peace with two than I did with one because they disappear and play together for hours.

I do think though it’s luck of the draw and I know plenty of siblings who’d merrily murder each other rather than get along. I was one!

My first was a bad sleeper and very high energy like yours (still is, that never changed but the sleep got better). I had a two year age gap, no real option to wait longer so it was then or never even though I didn’t feel ‘ready’ for a second. Second was an even worse sleeper and also refused to be put down but I was just somehow more resigned to it and the time flew by, before I knew it another two years had passed and everything was easier. I think second time around is easier mentally as you know you will eventually come out the other side and that everything is a phase even if a long one sometimes! I wouldn’t say 1-2 was easier overall than 0-1, just different. Maybe mentally easier, physically harder! But no regrets at all.

I did it the other way round, very easy first baby followed by very difficult baby. I had the shock of my life, you have a good chance of an easier baby or at least you know how to deal with a more challenging one. Id go for it.

Very challenging (but wonderful) first child. Could not be put down at all for months and months. Had to be in physical contact all the time. Still BFing a dozen times a day at 18 months. Didn’t sleep through till 22 months, and it’s still hit and miss at nearly 3.5yrs.
But she’s absolutely amazing, and there was never a shred of doubt we wanted a second. We didn’t have the luxury of waiting so ended up with 2.5 years between them. That was tough because DC1 was still very difficult when baby was born. DC2 is less difficult, but not easy. I love them both so much but we have found it really hard so sadly we’re definitely stopping at 2. But I wouldn’t change these 2 for the world (just their sleep…).

I had a very difficult first, second isn't the dream angel baby but definitely a lot easier than DC1 and the whole experience of doing the baby bit again but nicer, with more experience, has felt very healing. Also I'd echo what some have said upthread that it's weirdly easier overall with two than one. Not because the second one just slots in (they don't- it's twice the work) but the relationship they have with each other dilutes the intense focus you have when it's just one tricky child and everything feels less fraught

We had this dilemma and when my daughter was 3.5 I had some counselling with my HV and came to the conclusion that the same may happen - reflux, allergies and pnd/ppp but we are different. The first time around we had no support as both sets of parents were shielding due to the pandemic. It took nearly 5 months for her reflux and allergies to be recognised and it was those long months of knowing something was wrong and not knowing what or how to improve that really took it out of my mental health. I learnt a lot about what medication and treatments didn't help my mental health.
I'm 34 weeks pregnant now with my second and my daughter is now 5. It took time after deciding to have a second to sort my medication out for ones safe to conceive on. I then went on to have two miscarriages with hyperemesis which took their tole on my mind and body. We decided we had one more go with a 3-4 month deadline and if it didn't happen we would continue our happy life as a family of 3 as it would happen in conceived quite quickly and this one stuck. I have a robust plan in place for my mental health, we have loads more family and friend support available to us and whilst there is trepidation about what is to come we are hopeful about our ability to manage

I think second time around is easier mentally as you know you will eventually come out the other side and that everything is a phase even if a long one sometimes!

I agree with this, plus you know (unless you're considering a third!) that everything you're doing is for the last time. So potty training goes from being the first step in your entire parenting journey of potty training to 'doing this for the last time then I never have to think about it again' (hopefully).

Potty training was prolonged and challenging with dc1 and straightforward with #2, so I was sort of holding on to a lot of mental 'potential energy' bracing for a slog that didn't really come, if you see what I mean.

Ultimately it's always a gamble what sort of child you get though, any health conditions etc.

Thanks for all your wise words! Although DS has been tricky in many ways, I can’t deny he is a brilliant toddler. He potty trained himself (I just left a little toilet in the living room and away he went!) at 2 years old, he is (most of the time) easy to reason with as he has a brilliant vocab and understanding for his age, and as wild, energetic and literally non stop talkative as he is, he’s the ray of sunshine in everyone’s day. I guess I’m wishing for a completely different baby, but the same toddler, which is never going to happen! 😂I’m going to wait until LO starts school next year and decide then I think, still too many worries around sleep and its affect on my mental health if I had to go through the same again at this point. But lovely to hear all of your anecdotes. ❤

Go for it. My child number one was the devil incarnate. He never slept, didn't talk till he was three but worked out how to run, RUN, at 11 months. I spent the next two years jogging after him as he wouldn't go in the expensive buggy we had bought. He was 'a character ' as everyone called him and I was left exhausted.

His younger brother was the total opposite. Delighted by everything, incredibly easy, slept, ate, was generally a delight.

So grateful that we didn't stop at one.

Go for it, I put off our second for years because first was so difficult and actually our second has been a dream baby, if I'd have had him first I'd have had 3 by now I think.
First didn't sleep through until nearly 4, for love nor money couldn't establish breastfeeding, cried constantly as a baby, could never get her to sleep in a cot, same this constant energy, she never burns enough off and even now at 7 doesn't ever tire. God I love her to absolute bits and the older she gets the more I get her and appreciate the shining star she is but as a youngster she completely drained me.
2nd total polar opposite, textbook baby so so easy in comparison and big sister is such a great help with the age gap
Obviously there's no saying your experience will be the same as mine but everything is a phase and I wish I hadn't have waited so long for no2 on a what if scenario.

Similar situation - traumatic birth, poor sleep etc.

Didn't try for DC2 for three years, then took a year to conceive. Agonising at the time but the 4 year gap has been a blessing, DC1 started school and was at an age where much more self sufficient. Lost my mum between children, had already lost Dad, and I don’t think I could have gone through that without my siblings and that was a huge factor for me. Nobody else understand the grief and sorting her house was extremely difficult.

It is hard, having two DC and all their sibling dynamics. For us and for me the second was very much easier to manage and handle as I had c section and was so much more confident in my parenting ability. So all in all I’d go for it, but do everything you can to make it easier for you!

Iv just had my second 4 weeks ago and my first has just turned 5. He is a typical boy in that he is non-stop, ever. We are kept busy from the moment he opens his eyes until he conks out at night. He has always been a hit and miss sleeper also, good patches then awful (2 solid months of him getting up at 4.15 every day).
I really struggled with the newborn phase with him and it put me off having another for a long time. It took 6 months of discussion with my partner before I agreed to have another as we didn't want our son to be alone and obviously we wanted another baby. I then had a traumatic miscarriage (life threatening hemorrhage etc) and the loss made me realise how much I did want a second.
I definitely could not have had my second with a small gap, there is almost exactly (less two weeks) a 5 year gap between my two. It would have been 4 years had we not lost the baby in 2023. I couldn't have mentally coped with a smaller gap. Maybe give yourself slightly more time if it is a big concern having a small toddler and a newborn. I guess the moral of my post is it's tricky, especially with a full on child already but I have zero regrets having a second and I'm actually really enjoying the newborn stage this time despite worrying about it for 9 mpnths 😅 but I'm feeling blessed I get to do it one last time! Good luck with whatever you decide x

I don’t have any answers, but just wanted to say I’m in a very similar situation to you (could have written it myself, v difficult birth and baby phase, terrible sleeper until two, hyperactive, not massively better since with sleeping, but definitely improvement!). We’re trying for a second now (son 2.5 currently), but definitely couldn’t have contemplated it much earlier. Slightly older though (I’m 35) and struggling to conceive… which I am finding a mix of intense sadness, but also a very real sense of relief each month. I’m honestly not sure how to feel. But I’d say if you’re in any doubts, don’t put it off… just go for it. I wish I’d done things earlier. 🧡