VERY clingy 2yo - essentially just a rant because I feel sorry for myself

[Alysskea]

So my best friend of 15 years is having a beautiful wedding over 2 days in a weeks time. I was going to be travelling and spending the time with my other best friend of 15 years FINALLY getting a break, drinking, eating etc.

But it’s starting to look like I can’t leave my 2yo because she just can’t cope without me. She got home from nursery today with my partner and collapsed on the floor crying cos I wasn’t there (I was hiding for practice). She was inconsolable.

My partner has been good about it and admits that maybe we could have tried more things like Ms Rachel etc to hold out before calling me down but I have a horrible feeling it’s just not going to be possible for me to have even 1 night away. She’ll only go to bed with me. She’ll only resettle at night for me. She just wants me all the time even with 2 loving parents.

literally just wanted ONE break from all this. She’s a very loved and wanted baby and I really don’t like that right now I resent her loving me so much but god, one night away in 2 years isn’t much to ask is it?!

Also it would be a real shame to let your friend down. You'll regret it later if you don't go.

I know it’s hard not to feel bad for your partner when you know it’s going to be challenging but just say to yourself:

she is with someone who loves her
she is allowed to be upset
his job is not to stop her being upset but to be there for her lovingly
it is as much his job as yours to support her through hard emotions

personally I wouldn’t be going for screens to calm her down or distract her as I don’t like the idea of learning to use screens to self regulate but that’s up to him and you to decide.

agree with Pp that practising by pretending you’re not there and then appearing when she gets upset is a bad idea!

I thought that with my 16 month old, but there was something I just couldn’t miss - so had to go. It was fine. Not ideal, not perfect but the baby gave in quite quickly and went to sleep, and it was largely ok. When I got back, it was like nothing had happened.

I felt a bit sad for him but he was in a familiar place with familiar people. It was a one off.

i say you go. Your DD will be fine

don’t feel guilt for your partner having a “royally shit weekend.” If you didn’t go to the wedding, you’d be having an even shitter weekend

What happens when she’s at nursery or you’re out for an evening - they all survive. Your DD has two parents - why have you get it get to this stage - you haven’t done your DD any favours.

You've made it worse for yourself by listening in on what might happen if you are not there. If you do another "test" then actually leave the house for a few hours and let the child's father crack on without any backup.

Please go to the wedding, your child will most likely be a little upset initially, but will get over it very quickly and have a good time with her dad.

Loving all the assumptions that DP is a man. Might very well be a woman, you know...

Just go, OP. Forget the mum guilt and enjoy yourself, you will come back a more relaxed parent, and your DP will cope!

Other kids have to get used to their mum not being there. She’ll be fine. Go and enjoy yourself.

Op you must go.
it will be good for you, her and your DH.
nothing a little bribery won’t solve. Tell DH to have something she doesn’t usually have or do on the back burner such as trip to a park they don’t usually go to, some chocolate, extra time on a screen or something and I’m sure your DD will come around rather fast when there is treats involved

Stop rescuing. Next time leave the house so you are completely unavailable and your partner has to deal with it by themselves without you as the default parent.

Stop parenting out of fear, fear your child might get upset. You cannot make children happy all the time. She will have big feelings so get used to it.

Go to the wedding. I was a sahm and went to weddings and my Mum babysat both children. You are not just a Mum but a person who deserves the break you want and honestly start now. Stop choosing easy because easy has now got you this situation where she cries if you are not there. She won't die from crying. You are not leaving her with some random stranger, you are leaving her with your partner who I am assuming is her Dad.

If you were hospitalised tomorrow he would have no choice but to solo parent for maybe a couple of days. Let him take her to the park or out the house just the two of them. Let him build a great relationship with his child that doesn't include you. Dh was hands on from day one. I had a lie in every weekend, as did he, so he solo parented right from the off. People tend to fall into weekends being "family time" and so it usually ends up that the Dad has never solo parented, never had to rely on their own assessment of what their child needs.

OP it is high time you cut the apron strings. Every time she squarks you come running. Leave your partner to it. You have made a massive rod for your own back by pandering to this behaviour for so long.
Oh and don't be FaceTiming her while you are there. It's two days. Tell her that you will take lots of picture of aunty (friend's name) in her princess wedding dress and you will show her when you are back.

I went back to work when DC2 was 9 months and DH had her one day a week on his day off.

She has a really strong preference for me but were they ok. Yes.

Were there tears. Yes.

Did they stop quickly. Yes.

Did DH feed her nutritional food. No but then she’s still a fussy little sod now.

Did he stick to routines. Roughly but then the nap times did give him a break.

Did DD survive. Yes.

Did they learn to just get along and enjoy their time together. Of course they did. In fact some of the things DD still likes to do are the things she did with DH in those days.

I would arrange some time over the next few weeks when you’re not there. So don’t be around for bedtime, join a gym, meet friends, start the C25K, go to the Cinema but let him put her to bed and settle her and don’t be available for bedtimes. Then arrange a few times when you’re out of the house and leave them alone. So get your hair done, meet friends do what you like but leave them to find their own way together.

And definitely go to the wedding and explain to DH that you only want to hear if she’s really poorly.

Sorry your DO not DH.

Sounds very much like my DC2. It was very difficult. You have my sympathies. DC2 is a student now, currently abroad, and has a countdown on their phone to the day they fly home. DC1 has never been like this.

I know it’s done now, but I think you hiding, then relenting once she had cried enough, was a mistake and will have taught her that if she cries long enough and hard enough, you will appear. I would, if there’s time, practice letting her see you leave. Then return later. Then leave another time . That is basically how kids get used to being left at nursery or elsewhere.

How often is she waking at night?

Definitely don’t bribe her - she’ll then associate daddy with the fun stuff as opposed to normal parenting with treats only given occasionally for special occasions.

It will probably do her sleep good in the long term.

We didn't "sleep train" my 1 year old but once he got to 11 months, I decided to get DH to go in when DS woke with some water. DS SCREAMED as if he was being murdered (even though he was getting cuddles from his favourite person in the day). It was heartbreaking to hear but it took 2 nights! After that he stopped crying in the night, I can see him on the Nanit cam waking up randomly, babbling, and rolling over back to sleep. I guess he decided it's not worth waking up just for dad 🤣

i did not relent I was called down by DP 😬😬😬😬

Eh, usually once. Sometimes more in this heat for some water! She’s not a great sleeper. I’ve got ADHD, I’m 31 and don’t sleep through the night, she probably bloody has that 🙄

Leave the house altogether. Take up a hobby.

I mean to be fair if I go to the wedding that is exactly what will happen haha

Yep.

If she’s waking for water give her a no-spill cup with water in that she reach. It’s just one less excuse for waking you up.

If DP is off tomorrow I’d also get them to get up with DD, get her breakfast, get her changed and entertain her for an hour whilst you have a lie-in.

They both really need to get used to being with obe another without you around.

And you know how hereditary ADHD is, so it’s not definite but it is likely.

They dont usually assess for ADHD until they’re older but you could fill in the 2 year social and emotional Ages & Stages and see how she scores on that. If she score over 50 you’ll need to speak to your HV and any score over 65 requires a referral to Paediatrics.

For interested parties I have accctually booked my tickets to the wedding. I’m scared shitless 😰

If you need to feel less guilt why dont you look at it like this.
If, God forbid, something ever happened to you where you needed to be in hospital, or a family member became ill and you needed to be with them, you would be apart from your DD. And your partner would be worrying about you and having to deal with DD. And Dd would be having to deal with being without you and picking up on your partners worry. And that will all be MUCH harder if she's had no experience before of you going away and coming back. By teaching her that if you go away you do come back, you are being a responsible parent and a responsible partner, as if he wants to be a good dad he needs to learn to have her by himself.
It would be wrong of you to never leave her, as it would be much more distressing for her is what im trying to say.
Short term pain is much outweighed by the long term gain.
Ultimately, you have a responsibility as parents to teach her these things, she's only small and she needs your help! You are helping her by doing this.