VERY clingy 2yo - essentially just a rant because I feel sorry for myself

[Alysskea]

So my best friend of 15 years is having a beautiful wedding over 2 days in a weeks time. I was going to be travelling and spending the time with my other best friend of 15 years FINALLY getting a break, drinking, eating etc.

But it’s starting to look like I can’t leave my 2yo because she just can’t cope without me. She got home from nursery today with my partner and collapsed on the floor crying cos I wasn’t there (I was hiding for practice). She was inconsolable.

My partner has been good about it and admits that maybe we could have tried more things like Ms Rachel etc to hold out before calling me down but I have a horrible feeling it’s just not going to be possible for me to have even 1 night away. She’ll only go to bed with me. She’ll only resettle at night for me. She just wants me all the time even with 2 loving parents.

literally just wanted ONE break from all this. She’s a very loved and wanted baby and I really don’t like that right now I resent her loving me so much but god, one night away in 2 years isn’t much to ask is it?!

God love you OP, but hiding from her and then popping out from nowhere like you’ve been summoned when they call for you is absolutely bonkers and only reinforcing this situation.

Just go to the wedding. She’ll be fine.

Seriously you’re crazy if you don’t go. Give the two of them a chance to bond properly without you there. A two year old does not dictate what the adults around them do. Come on.

Of course it’s possible. She might get upset, it might be hard work, but it’ll be okay. She has a presumably loving second parent and they’ll have to figure out how to bond if you’re away.

Go to the wedding, and enjoy it for goodness sake! Your daughter will be fine, and actually it will be good for her and Dad.

Then go away more regularly too. Your child has 2 parents.

Btw this is more about you and her dad’s ability to feel difficult feelings than your 2yr old. You can both learn to feel the pain when she’s upset and carry on. She’ll learn from your example.

My partner has been good about it and admits that maybe we could have tried more things like Ms Rachel etc to hold out before calling me down but I have a horrible feeling it’s just not going to be possible for me to have even 1 night away. She’ll only go to bed with me. She’ll only resettle at night for me. She just wants me all the time even with 2 loving parents.

He hasn’t been good at all. This is mad. You won’t be there so he can’t call for you. They’ll cope. Just like she does at nursery.

True that’s always the way with these dilemmas. It’s not the kids struggling with “big feelings”, it’s the adults.

But OP you’re getting in the way of her relationship with her dad if you keep thinking you can’t possibly leave your daughter. It’s time to nip this in the bud before you create a total monster in your own home.

I had a DS like this. I had to leave him for 2 nights at 18 months for work. He was fine. I get that it is really difficult but i promise you that a couple of days in the grand scheme of his life will have no impact whatsoever but you may regret not going to the wedding.

Both of mine had a strong mummy preference as babies/toddlers, especially DC1. He’d scream and cry ‘mummy do it!!!!!!’ about every tiny little task if I was around and DH even dared look at him.

I went back to shift work after both maternity leaves. It meant no choice but weekends/evenings/nights with daddy.

It was hard at first but they were quickly fine.

If you trust your partner I think you should go, if it’s what you want.

Just go. She'll be fine. The problem is you were there so there was a quick fix. Your DH needs to try harder.

I would go, OP. You deserve a break. She'll be fine after a while.

To be fair the dad isn’t helping himself, calling for help straight away.

Surely if she’s at nursery then she can cope being without you? Sounds like your partner needs to buckle down and try a bit harder.

Go to the wedding! And I say this as someone who also has a super clingy 2 year old that only ever wants mummy but trust me she won’t cry for the whole weekend.

I don’t know the specifics of the OP’s life, but the amount of women I know who simply “cannot” leave their children… honestly, they don’t give their husbands a chance to form a bond or learn to just get on with things. Then they complain about it and resentment builds, but it starts early on: taking the baby all the time when they’re upset, dealing with the nights alone because “no one else can settle my baby” or “my toddler simply won’t accept anyone else”, doing everything because they can’t handle the way their husband does things differently.

There are plenty of halfwit men not pulling their weight, but there are also plenty of women who just step in far too much.

And here we are. Woman is too good at her job, man isn't good enough so it's the woman's fault. Is there anything we don't blame women for?

I’m not following in the slightest. How is preventing your child from forming a relationship with other people, especially their other parent being “too good” at parenting?

Posters on Mumsnet like to pretend women don’t do this. But they do. We all know women who take over absolutely everything and then resent their husbands later down the line. I don’t see how this is blaming “women”. I’m talking about women who act this way.

As I said earlier, perhaps the OP’s situation is different, but from her post it seems as if she’s the only one stopping herself from getting out and enjoying life.

Go and have a great time and give him a chance to succeed. There's no way he'll ever try properly if he knows you're hiding in a cupboard. If he knows that it's all on him to make his daughter happy, then he will manage it - there is no way she'll cry solid for 2 days. This won't magically change if you don't make these opportunities for him to be an equal parent.

Its really hard when their cries cause a visceral reaction in your body.

You should go, your daughter will be upset but that's not the worst thing in the world. Its important she experiences these emotions and how to manage them. Talk about the fun stuff youll do when youre back! Tell her how excited you are to go on holiday AND that youll miss her (not BUT youll miss her).

She is safe and will manage without you. You need to teach her that you can do things for yourself. That's an important lesson for her as she grows up.

Omg go op. She might be crying etc but she, and you, both know that she’s safe and well with your husband. If you were a single mum it’s a bit different but in your case you’d be mad not to go. I went to a wedding for the first time away recently and my son did cry when he woke up with my parents and I wasn’t there. But it was a shock emotional cry not a scared unsafe cry.

thank you. I do really appreciate it and I am still thinking of going. I think the mum guilt over it is just sooo bad. And the guilt for my partner who’s going to have a royally shit weekend!

thank you. I do really appreciate it and I am still thinking of going. I think the mum guilt over it is just sooo bad. And the guilt for my partner who’s going to have a royally shit weekend!

She may have an unsettled night / day, your partner may have an unsettled night and be tired… but it’s one night. Rope in some help, grandparents / friends, make sure he’s got plans - farm, soft play, swimming - whatever will keep them entertained.

Your 2yr old will survive and the more you do it, the easier it will be.

She will be absolutely fine. Go and have fun.

Get him to do it without roping in some help! He should be able to manage for a weekend without ‘help’. Usually female. Ffs.