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Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

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Original poster

i am a bully and i cant control myself- not nice- sorry

45 replies

iamsuchabitch · 29/05/2008 18:24

i have 3 dcs. ds1 and ds2 both have asd. they are both v bright, articulate etc but for some reasson ds1 pushes all the buttons. its the same day in day out. he doesnt listen to me, he answers back, he dopesnt notice/recognise me getting angry despite me telling him. i cannot control my temper with him. only with him. i dont like hjim . and i cant stop it showing. it sounds like i am blamin g him. i dont mean to. i shouted at him tonight right in his face. alot. then i lost it titally and smaked him in the head. i didnt mean to. i could nt help it. i have hit him before. am so ashamed. i dont deserve to have my kids. i am sending him to my mums for tonight as i dont trust myself not to do it again tonight. i know i feel differntly towards him that to my other two. i hate myself for this. i want to do something about it and to change but how can i admit this to anyone? they will be taken away [sad. i hate the fact that he is of anage now that this is what he will remember. i have tried talking to him, i have tried explaining. but how can i? its wrong wrong wrong and i know it but feel powerless to staop. i feari am going to damage him psychologically if i dont get help. what can i do???

OP posts:

FrannyandZooey · 29/05/2008 18:27

I really feel for you. What a brave and difficult thing to admit. You CAN get help and I would think phoning Parentline might be a good start in working out what you want to do

will get phone no and be back

FrannyandZooey · 29/05/2008 18:27

Parentline information

Anna8888 · 29/05/2008 18:27

You have an awful lot to deal with. Three small children, two with ASD. That would test the patience of a saint.

You need respite/help, in order to get some peace for yourself to enjoy your children more.

Please see your GP urgently.

Anna8888 · 29/05/2008 18:28

No-one will blame you for feeling so fraught. Lots of people will be on here saying the same thing, I am sure.

dizzydixies · 29/05/2008 18:29

oh what a horrible situation for you to be in. do you have a good support network around you that you could rely on a bit more to give you a badly needed break?

for what its worth I don't think you're bullying him, I think you're at the end of your tether with a difficult situation, having 3dcs is stressful enough without two of them having asd as well - you've lost your temper and have admitted it so lets try to see if there is a way for you not to do it again

can dh help out more? is there a particular time of day it all goes wrong?

sorry for so many questions

maidamess · 29/05/2008 18:32

I don't know many mums who couldn't say they havent felt like you do, or acted on it. I know I have. Don't be too hard on yourself, your life sounds tough and if you didn't care about your children you wouldn't have osted on here.

Sounds like you need to make some time for you, so sending the kids to your Mums is a good idea. Try to get more 'you' time... it makes you appreciate your children so much more. Its when there is no respite that we tend to snap.

You are not a horrible person, just someone under pressure.

Original poster

iamsuchabitch · 29/05/2008 18:33

am sat here in tears. he has gone to my mums now. my dad just picked him up. he cant look me in the eye. he hates me. he will never forgive me. this is all he will ever remember of me.
holiday times are dreadful here. the change from school to home life v difficult. i feel so so wretched that i feel this way. i am not sure how we can turn a corner and get back to what it ought to be like

OP posts:

Original poster

iamsuchabitch · 29/05/2008 18:34

he and his brother have been at sn playscheme all day so i should be able to cope. the constant fighting etc gets me down.

OP posts:

dizzydixies · 29/05/2008 18:36

he doesn't hate you, he probably can't look you in the eye because he thinks he's upset you

can you phone him at your mum's to say goodnight and let him know he's not been sent away and that you love him?

you haven't told us what age he is?

maidamess · 29/05/2008 18:36

He doesn't hate you. Like you don't hate him. You just don't like what the other does sometimes. Write him a letter, explain to him how its hard to be a Mummy sometimes, and how sorry you are that sometimes you feel so angry. Promise him you will try to control your temper with him. And tell him you love him, because anyone reading this can see that you do.

Anna8888 · 29/05/2008 18:36

IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT

Of course you are down...

Please stop blaming yourself. You need more help and care for you. Have you anyone to talk to? Talk to us, as much as possible. But please, look after yourself.

I cannot even begin to imagine how hard your life is...

GreenElizabeth · 29/05/2008 18:39

Poor you. It sounds hard. You don't mention a husband helping you so even if you have one it sounds like you are doing the bulk of all the hard work (no offence to your dh if I'm totally wrong).

As Anna says, your situation would test the patience of a saint.

I think there is help available though. Maybe talking it through with a professional would give you the techniques to stay calm.

And then, come back here and tell us what they are. You wouldn't be the only Mum who could do with some techniques to stay calm.

GreenElizabeth · 29/05/2008 18:40

That's a good idea dizzydixies.

greenday · 29/05/2008 18:40

Today's been and nearly gone. Start over again tomorrow. Then start over again the next day.
Recognising your actions is already half the battle won.

Hope you're ok. Please don't beat yourself up too much.

Original poster

iamsuchabitch · 29/05/2008 18:40

dizzydixies- he is 9 (going on 15!)

maidamess- that is a good idea. thank you. i told him i loved him when he went. but oh god what a mixed msg- it makes me feel like the mother equivalent of a wife beater. if i were posting about my dh behaving this way the whole of mn would be out in force telling me he is abusive and for me to kick him out. [[shame]

frannyandzooey- thank you for that advice line. am going to call it after the little dcs have gone to bed. and perhaps after a lg glass of wine. what if i tell them what i said here tho and they tell ss?

OP posts:

soapbox · 29/05/2008 18:41

It sounds to me like you have an awful lot on your plate.

I know a lot of people will post saying 'oh we all do this' or something similar. However, you are the one in the situation and you are the one whose instincts are saying that you are crossing the boundaries. I would trust your own instincts and get some help.

I see that Franny has already posted Parentline - would you like us to help you work out what other organisations etc might be suitable?

What do you want to get out of this thread?

Anna8888 · 29/05/2008 18:42

You need help and respite, not to lose your children whom you love. Tell parentline that.

dizzydixies · 29/05/2008 18:44

he's old enough to know that he's pushed his luck and made you angry which is why he can't look at you - of course he doesn't hate you at all

he's also old enough to understand when you phone him that you love him, you're not angry at him and he'll see you tomorrow

Original poster

iamsuchabitch · 29/05/2008 18:44

anna- i talk to my mum but she isgreat with sympathy etc but i dont know its never quitye right.
trying to talk to rl friends is terrible. they make me feel guilty. they also say things like 'oh they all do that' which i know blatantly their kids dont carry on like that and i just feel they are being all judgey and inevitably i end up feeling shit again. i have friends with kids with as and i could talk to them but then i figure they have enough to deal with in their own lives without hearing about my problems. you lot are great tho. i love mumsnetters

OP posts:

Original poster

iamsuchabitch · 29/05/2008 18:45

soapbox- i dont know what i want to get out of this thread really. some reassurance, maybe some telling off, some advice on how i can change.

OP posts:

dizzydixies · 29/05/2008 18:47

I don't think that there is anyone on here interested in telling off a stressed out mother looking for support and advice

at least I hope not as I don't think that this is what this place is all about

do you have any techniques that help you when you realise you're about to lose your temper

I have to remove myself from the room and I only have 2 dc who are 4 and 2yrs, I can't imagine how you do it everyday

Anna8888 · 29/05/2008 18:47

I think you need some professional / informed help. It doesn't sound as if your mother or friends have enough knowledge to really help you, however well-meaning they may be.

Please look for it. It is out there. You live in the UK (don't you?). Believe me, the UK has fantastic health/support services...

dizzydixies · 29/05/2008 18:50

agree with Anna8888 - close family and friends (as helpful as they think they're being) normally say what they think you want to hear in the circumstance rather than good practical advice

why not write down the things that you need to resolve or want help with so you're clear in what you want to ask

Original poster

iamsuchabitch · 29/05/2008 18:50

the thing that triggered all this tonight was oh so insignificant. it always is. in fact i cant even remember wh tit started of as being about. it always always ends up being about him not listening, being deliberatly defiant/obstructive and answering back . he wont keep his mouth shut. i spend about 10 mins saying 'im getting cross now please be quiet' over and over again as he apparently doesnt recognise the changes in my voice/body language/facial expressions. it ends up being about THAT than what the orig issue was. he is seeing a child psychologist next week so hopefully she might be able to help. he seems 'disturbed'. i am sure thats my fault. its got to be hasnt it?

OP posts:

dizzydixies · 29/05/2008 18:52

no it doesn't have to be anything of the sort

ok, so he doesn't recognise the signs but maybe we can work on you recognising them and removing yourself to somewhere you can gain control again?

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