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Parenting

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Original poster

i am a bully and i cant control myself- not nice- sorry

45 replies

iamsuchabitch · 29/05/2008 18:24

i have 3 dcs. ds1 and ds2 both have asd. they are both v bright, articulate etc but for some reasson ds1 pushes all the buttons. its the same day in day out. he doesnt listen to me, he answers back, he dopesnt notice/recognise me getting angry despite me telling him. i cannot control my temper with him. only with him. i dont like hjim . and i cant stop it showing. it sounds like i am blamin g him. i dont mean to. i shouted at him tonight right in his face. alot. then i lost it titally and smaked him in the head. i didnt mean to. i could nt help it. i have hit him before. am so ashamed. i dont deserve to have my kids. i am sending him to my mums for tonight as i dont trust myself not to do it again tonight. i know i feel differntly towards him that to my other two. i hate myself for this. i want to do something about it and to change but how can i admit this to anyone? they will be taken away [sad. i hate the fact that he is of anage now that this is what he will remember. i have tried talking to him, i have tried explaining. but how can i? its wrong wrong wrong and i know it but feel powerless to staop. i feari am going to damage him psychologically if i dont get help. what can i do???

OP posts:

Original poster

iamsuchabitch · 29/05/2008 18:53

massive x post there sorry. i am now neglecting my younger two to write this. god i am so crap my priorities are all screwed up. dh home late tonight- another work jolly - so yes in answer to an earlier post i do have a dh but he is rarely here tbh he works very hard. (and goes out alot!)- i am a full time mum. the other dc are 5 and 3

OP posts:

madamez · 29/05/2008 18:54

There was a thread on here a while ago from someone called Red Mist who was in a similar situation (feeling she had crossed the line with regard to losing her temper) and there was lots and lots of helpful advice on there, maybe someone can find it and link to it for you.
THe love DC have for their parents is almost unconditional, it takes a hell of a lot to destroy it and an apology and a hug and trying to do better is all it takes to mend it. YOur DS doesn't hate you, he loves you and knows you love him.

soapbox · 29/05/2008 18:54

For once I promise not to do any telling off on a smacking thread - although I may lose my sanctimoniouscow name as a result

If I were you, I would go to your GP and tell him about the anger rushes (but would probably not mention the actual hitting). I would ask for a referral to counseling and then (on the basis that counselors are sworn to secrecy) be more open with the counselor once you actually get that far!

I would also talk to social services about respite (as Anna has suggested). I think you can get something called direct payments (Yurt would know) which allow you to spend this money on someone to come in and help out during the school holidays which might give you a little bit of time to yourself and keen sane during the longer days with your DCs.

Is there anything on any of the auti websites or forums about support for people who are just overwhelmed by things?

sophiewd · 29/05/2008 18:57

You are not such a bitch, I worked with a boy in school as an LSA, he was an only child and his mother still struggled, in the end he went into respite care for 3 nights a week so they could both have a break from each other, this may be an option for you.

sophiewd · 29/05/2008 18:58

And he sounds eactly the same as your DS

Original poster

iamsuchabitch · 29/05/2008 19:03

soapbox- i do get directpayments but mine are used up on sending the boys to this holiday playscheme thing. he has been just one day this week and will be going 2 days a week over the summer hols. i do this as its complicated getting a respite carer. ie you have to employ someone and that would be all too much for me. the bugger is is that ds1 goes to private school as he couldnt cope with state. as a result his school hols are extra extra long and there is nothing avilable when the other schools havent broken up.

OP posts:

Original poster

iamsuchabitch · 29/05/2008 19:05

sophiewd- thats interesting. if it carries on and on over the yrs and it continues getting worse as i suspect (and have been told it will by the NAS)- i may consider some kind of weekly boarding school affair for as kids

OP posts:

pofaced · 29/05/2008 19:06

I agree with soapbox about counselling... in the past I've been close to where you are right now (none of my DCs have sn). There is only so much people can take and we are all different: it sounds to me as though you need help for underlying causes of your anger and difficulties coping... without wanting to be glib/ diagnose things about which I have no direct involvement, I think you are probably depressed and certainly in need of counselling. No one could have 3DCs of those ages, 2 with SN and a DH working long hours and not have a need for some professional counselling... Mums and friends are great but ultimately professionals actually make a huge difference.... as I say, I've been close to where you are and it was only after seeking professional help that things improved, both in terms of my ability to deal with kids but also their behaviour

When it comes to making up to kids, an admission that you were wrong is quite significant: by admitting you were wrong to behave as you did, you show the fault was not his ie not intrinsic to his being. Furthermore, you need to distinguish, both to him and yourself, that you love the child but don't like the behaviour.

You'll get good advice here from well-meaning people but you need the safety and anonymity of a professional counsellor: perhaps the child psychologist can also advise?

Good luck: you're not a bad person, just someone whose elastic patience has been stretched too far

paperchain · 29/05/2008 19:11

{{{}}}} nothing constructive to add to the useful advice that has already been given, but just to add that social services dont want to break families up, they try to help to keep families together. Do call parentline and do be honest. People want to help, and you have taken the right steps in getting help. Good luck {{{{{{{{{}}}}}}}}}}

Original poster

iamsuchabitch · 29/05/2008 19:15

thank you all virtual friends
am just going to put little ones to bed and will be back. may try and call that parentline thing as well

OP posts:

paperchain · 29/05/2008 19:15

yes, please do

tibni · 29/05/2008 19:35

Totally understand how difficult bringing up a sn child is. My ds has ASD, is low functioning and is incredibly hard work. We get no respite and there are no play schemes that can take a child with his level of additional need.

I agree that you need to seek help, CAMHS would be a useful starting point and should be able to signpost you to local help and support.

What you did was totally unacceptable, I know you recognise that and you need to ensure that it doesn't happen again for all of your sakes. Our sn children are so vunerable and need us, as parents, to protect them.

sophiewd · 29/05/2008 19:36

This is what I found when I ggogle respite foster care, this is just kent but most other counties were represented. It is not permanent,you will not have your family split up can be a day a month, weekend etc. I think onlyjokings children have respite care and they get taken out for the day.www.kent.gov.uk/SocialCare/children/fostering/fostering-respite.htm

Vulgar · 29/05/2008 19:47

Be kind to yourself.

You are doing a very hard job.

Sorry i haven't anything practical to say but your ds will know you love him. I'm sure of it.

pellmell · 29/05/2008 20:31

Please be kind to yourself
You do a very difficult job that is in my opinion one of the most frustrating challenges there is as a mother.
A few years ago and under a different name I wrote about my dd on here a lot.
She has autism amongst other things and was prone to outbursts and was always really challenging.
I had to be too rough with her to get her to comply with even the simplest task.
Eventually I did genuinely feel like I could seriously harm her. I imagined my self abruptly ending my life so that I wouldn't lay a finger on her.
Many people witnessed her challenging me and pushing me to the limit. Everyone would say " I don't know how you cope" etc

I did tell Social services how I felt....infact my actual words were "if you don't do something with her I am either going to fucking kill her or myself!"
Because I LOVE HER....an aching, heartbreaking love, such a confused love.

I know now that no-one else could have managed better than me, given the same circumstances.
It wasn't about my failings as a mother.
The pressure is too much and unfortunately or fortunately (I'm not sure) there are not enough resources available for families like ours. So our children do not get taken away or put into care for something like smacking them.

After my call my dd got put on a "looked after child" register at my request and we then had much more respite than befor.
It was the best thing I ever did because ss have a duty of care to the child and they need the family to stay together. Social services have almost no money to accomodate young people with asd
She is now an adult and lives in a home for six young people aged 16-25.
It costs social services £1800 a week

Do keep talking about this..you are not a bully!!! you are not coping
lots of love

Original poster

iamsuchabitch · 29/05/2008 22:21

thank you . you are all so supportive and lovely and kind. it has reassured me no end that i am not an evil bully but a mum who is at the end of her tether trying to fight my way out of a difficult situation.
i phoned parentline (had to have a glass of wine and several cigarettes to pluck up courage!) and spoke to a really lovely lady. it was so nice to just tlk and i was amazed at what i heard come out of my mouth! for example i felt one of my probs with ds1 i think stems from the fact i was youngish when i had him, half way through uni course, v unprepared, v difficult birth, i believe undiagnosed pnd etc etc the list goes on and on. i think subconsciously i have been laying the blame on him for ending my life as i knew it. for me and for him.
anyway, she has arranged for someone to call me once a week to discuss how things are going and hopefully it will be with someone who understands about autism. she also suggested counselling so i will see how we get on and if i still feel desperate in a week or so i will contact someone.

OP posts:

dizzydixies · 29/05/2008 22:32

am so pleased to hear that you called
if she has suggested counselling I would make arrangements though, you never know how long the wait might be for an appt AND its better to have the appt and choose not to use it than to need one and not be able to get one

well done for taking the first very positive steps for you and your dc

pellmell · 29/05/2008 22:37

Good for you!
You will be stronger now than you were befor.
It might not feel like it but you will!
x

sophiewd · 30/05/2008 07:25

Well done, the first step is always the hardest but it is the start.

Anna8888 · 30/05/2008 08:59

Well done you for plucking up the courage to call parentline and share your concerns with someone who can help

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