Does anybody regret having children?

[2fishleft]

I do

2fishlet sorry that things are bad at the mo and getting you down.

I think you should go and see your gp about you ds. Also, might be impossible, but could someone mind him for a couple of hours while you get some rest? See if there is anyway at all possible for you to get some rest or your ds will totally wear you out.

2fishleft., IMO 9 months is a bugger of an age. I remember when DS1 was a baby thinking "I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy", and he was a much wanted baby. I also remember looking out of his bedroom window at the neighbours 3 children playing and wondering on hy on earth anyone would have more than one child.

I will tell you what the check out lady in Tescos told me when DS! was 9 months. IT DOES GET EASIER.

Get another opinion, go to another GP, that one sounds useless.

Spero, I'm hoping you are right about him being better when he can communicate - this is what we are hanging onto. You know how when you have a baby you mentally write off the first 6 weeks? Well we are mentally writing off the first 2 years.

Thanks for your support everybody. Thanks also for not voicing the "you awful woman" thing which most of you are probably thinking! (I am thinking it too, if that helps!)

I read something about children who are very unhappy babies, it is born out of frustration because they cannot communicate what they want. That's not much help i know because it is still going to take another 2-3 years until they can manage talking well enough for you to understand each other!

but it does get easier. And he's your son for the rest of his life, I wouldn't get too worried about the first 2 years as long as you can maintain some kind of relationship and bond with him.

Of course you are not awful, you are honest. It is much worse to think these things and never be open about it and even worse to condemn someone for having the courage to try and get some help.

2fishleft, when DS1 was 2 1/2 I phoned a cranial osteopthath in desperation. I was in tears when I made the call. I see DS1's life as before and after the osteopath. (We are all more happy since his treatments)It could possibly help with your LO slepping, and general happyness. It's very gentle, and baby friendly.

2fish, of course you're not an awful woman.

having a child is really tough and having one that is "challenging" is even tougher.

would second the advice of seeing your dr and speaking to your HV again. from the perspective of your ds not sleeping/eating/settling etc rather than your not being able to cope (not that that isn't important iyswim).

my dd was a velcro baby and i found her first 12 months exhausting. but, she did eat and sleep moderately well so i didn't have it half as bad as you do right now.

have you thought about baby signing if you think it's a communication thing?

Oh, yes, Lynnette, I wondered about cranial osteopathy.

Was it a difficult birth, 2fish?

i am not thinking that you are an awful woman . its so hard if you have a child who you can never make happy, you feel like a failure all the time. you dont have to love him you know, you just have to act as a loving mother woudl do

anyone who has had a screaming miserable baby will know how difficult it is to feel positive about them and yourself as a mother

Another vote for cranial osteopathy here.
It worked wonders for DS1.

I'd echo what Lynette says - I've not use it myself but one of my friends says a very similar thing about a cranial osteopath who helped her massively with her DS.

I'd also echo what everyone else says that the first 12 months are very hard work and especially around 9 months - they're starting to get more and more aware and more and more frustrated; they're mental abilities (and personalities) are developing rapidly but they're still trapped in a body which can't do what they want it to do so they can be bloody narky all the time. You're certainly not alone in it.

Lynette, thanks, that made me feel better! He can't be like this forever, right? Assuming nothing is wrong with him, no kids are like this when they're 4 and 5, are they?! I hope it's just a (bloody long) phase.

I haven't bothered to see the HV, to be honest - I was thinking well what can she tell me that I don't already know? I've got an older child already and I know all the sleep techniques and I've tried everything, so what else can she say? Maybe I should go anyway though. I suppose it's not like I'm going to lose anything by going.

Lynette & Paddle, I've done cranial osteopathy - it made no difference Well, it seemed to help a bit initially, but he soon went back to his old ways. We are doing signing too - he's too little to be able to do it back yet but hopefully in a few months time. Good ideas, both though, thanks.

Spero, your line "he's your son for the rest of his life" made me cry (in a good way) - so maybe my feelings for him are more than I realise.

2fisheft
You sound just like me when ds was this age. Ds was a difficult baby who cried a lot, slept really badly and Dh also thought he was difficult but had a different attitude and let it roll over him more.

I now adore ds and find him loads easier (3.5 yrs old) but we had an improvement at around 16 months onwards when his sleep was consistently a lot better, he started walking and again around 2 yrs again when he started to communicate with speech more.

HOWEVER (and this is a big one) ds is most definitely less well attached to me than to dh. He is more difficult with me and more clingy and whiny. I believe this is because we didn't bond well early enough.

If you genuinely believe there is nothing physical wrong with your ds (there wasn't with mine) then I would urge you to get help in coping with your ds.

Some babies are much harder to deal with than others but how we handle it makes a real difference. I say this as someone who did not handle it at all well and now regret it.

www.mentalhealth.asn.au/resources/factsheets/Microsoft%20Word%20-%20pnd.pdf

wessexgirl, it was an easy birth - lovely, stress-free planned C-section.

Kristina, "its so hard if you have a child who you can never make happy, you feel like a failure all the time".

Yes, yes, yes!!! That's exactly it! I feel rather "well what more do you want from me?!"

"you dont have to love him you know, you just have to act as a loving mother would do".

Oh gosh, what a wonderful thing to say, Kristina. Thank you so much. That was almost as if a little cloud lifted from me when I read that.

It will get easier I promise.

I went to see my GP when ds1 was 3 months old because I felt like I was really struggling. My GP told me not to expect too much of myself and to accept that we all needed to adjust to each other and that it would take time. She had 4 children and explained that the first year was hard and that I shouldn't expect too much until ds1 was 1. He turned into an angel baby on his first birthday (not long after I'd had ds2) and has been a breeze since then.

2fish my dd was really hard work as a baby. Colicky, no sleep, wanted to be held all the time and I remember having the sense that she was never content. That thought made me really miserable because I felt like my best efforts weren't enough and that somehow i wasn't making her feel secure and loved enough.

She's nearly two and is just obviously so happy. She's still not chilled out exactly- very active and curious and talkative, but sweet and affectionate and independent and great company. Of course she has off days but don't we all.

It's interesting what Spero said about it being a communication problem because she talked very early and it did make a huge difference to us all, she loves to make herself understood, make suggestions, jokes etc.

I really do think it will get easier for you too.

also you could teach him signing to communicate with you better, 1 of mine signed and it was the best. am going to teach my dd too.

I like to think "difficult" babies are more intelligent.

I don't know if this is of any relevance to you at all. But I didn't even meet my DS until he was 11 months and didn't take custody of him until he was 13 months. He's now 2.6 and we have a perfectly normal bond all developed since then and there was no instant bond even then

Kristina gives good advice - pretend. It'll be good enough whilst you try to work out if something is causing it or he's just frustrated.

My neice was like this. My SIL went back to work as soon as she could in self-preservation. From memory I think it all started calming down around 12 months when she started walking and talking.

I definately felt there was light at the end of the tunnel when DS1 reached his 1st birthday.

You are all so lovely It is so reassuring that so many babies were like this but turned out ok. Maybe we will look back on this in a few years and laugh. If nothing else, his babyhood is going to be one that we will never forget. His elder sister's babyhood whizzed by in a flash and I don't remember a lot of it - at least I am going to remember this one!!

Well guess what? Since I have been typing he has had a 2 hour nap He's never done that! (he usually naps for about 15 mins) if I spend an hour cajoling him. He has been worse than ever this morning and I guess he must've really worn himself out with all the screaming and writhing.

pilates!?

Should add that my neice never napped either and is now a lovely pleasant 19 yr old.

hello 2fishleft. your op could have been written by me. i also have 9 month old, great birth but has been a baby for whom everything is a struggle - doesn't sleep won't eat won't take a bottle etc cried for first six months etc. i love her hugely but also have an older child so i know my 9 month old is handful. in my darker moments i have wondered if i regret having children. at the moment, i don't know. i'm in thick of it - as are you and i think it's to early to say. i'll have to look back when this is all over (if i'm still around!) and decide then - so in a way i've let myself off the hook of answering that question for now. maybe you should do the same? don't place more burdens on yourself - esp not guilt.

what i can say is it's getting easier already as she grows. i'm trying to tackle the sleep thing - again. yesterday she screamed for an hour at nap time, today only 45 mins or so. horrible horrible horrible and i so hate doing it but feel i have no choice. last time i stuck with is for five weeks before she got ill and i admitted defeat. do i resent the baby for forcing me to watch her cry when my older child never did? it's not her fault, of course, but how can i not resent her for putting us both through this? i could go on but won't! i just wanted you to know you are soooo not alone. ah - there she is and there i go.

i wish you all the luck in the world!

areyoume, that is very good advice. I've been mulling over the whole "do I regret it? do I love him?" thing, but you speak a lot of sense when you say that it's too early to tell and that we should forget answering those questions for now. Sorry to hear that you are going through the same thing
I see you have an older child too - not sure what age they are (mine's 6) but are you also panicking about the summer holidays?! How am I going to spend all day trying to coax him to eat & sleep when I have DD to entertain?! It's so unfair on her. And he wakes her up at night with his screaming, I feel so sorry for her