When did l turn into the general dogs body?! I have my own life

[BernardButlersBra]

Is it just me but since you have children do people think you are there to organise / plan, collect, host, anticipate lots of stuff for others? Examples include "makes sense for Bernard to host Christmas again -it's just easier" (it's really not, it's not our turn and lm declining). "Bernard or Steve could pick you up on the way, it's not that far out of their way (we aren't going and can't fit you in the car anyway). "Bernard could organize Auntie Violet's birthday party / clean out her shed / fill in her PIP forms" 😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫

I work full time compressed into 4 days, so does my husband and we have toddler twins so life is fairly busy. I also have an autoimmune disease which doesn't help. It's not my husband or in-laws. We have quite an equal relationship so my husband is clear how busy everything is -he isn't shielded from it all! Im more than happy to do my share with friends, family, social stuff etc. But people act like lm at a loose end and not at full capacity pretty much

Things came to a head yesterday when l was out with some old work friends for lunch with the twins. I don't mind grabbing the sauces when getting my own sauce or another fork. But there was lots of "can you get me a refill of my drink". "I think that lady behind you is struggling...". It got to the point where l had to be very pointedly saying "lm just finishing off my lunch at the moment -it would be quicker if you got up and got your own drink". Trying to get the 3 of us fed and watered was taking up all my bandwidth to be honest!

I'm not a walkover and for obvious reasons don't say lm bored or at a loose end as lm not so l don't know where it's coming from. I decline things in a polite and firm way but the requests keep coming. I have my own theories but just wondered if anyone else had this and understands it. It's SO ANNOYING!

For clarity in case any of these points might derail the thread:

• we either pay for our childcare or do it ourselves (no grandparent or friends / family support)

-we live in our own home which again we pay for -no nanny or housekeeper or massively great finances (like lots of people mortgage and childcare drains most of our money!). We have a cleaner once a fortnight, as we can't afford every week and it helps keep the grub at bay -l don't go on about how tired l am. As l thought it's kind of obvious it's draining working full time and having 2 toddlers?! Plus l try not to be a moaner

No, I don't identify with that at all. Who are these people?

When I go out with DS, friends go out of their way to accommodate us.

If anyone in the family asked me to host, I'd tell them no, can't do it.

Are you ashamed to say no?

Yeah I agree people see you as default mother to all. We are going away with family for 2 nights. They are pre children. I’m the one organising check in, food, activities, events, eating yadda yadda. Despite being the busiest of all 4 of us, everyone just looks to me. Lazy and sexist

If a coworker asked me to get up to get them a drink or a sauce, I would honestly burst out laughing, that's ridiculous 🤣 Baby or no baby.

I can't say that I recognise this either. Maybe it's just that the people around you are CFs?

Why are you doing it? I'm currently away on a long weekend with my DS and DH and his 4 siblings and their partners and while me and DH organized the AirBnB (mostly because we wanted the deciding voice on the house, to make sure it's suitable), I have organized nothing else.

We shopped for some food for DS along the way as he has allergies so wanted to make sure he has suitable food. I didn't pick up a single thing for anyone else as DS has such little patience in a supermarket, one of the brothers and SILs went to do the BIG shop. Someone else has organized tomorrow's activity and is looking up the route to get there. Etc etc.

We are doing less than everyone else because we have our hands full. They're all younger and childless.

If anyone asked me to start making pub reservations or whatever, I'd politely say I don't have time, can you do it?

I’m doing it because I have 3 children under 4 and I don’t want to wake up on Saturday morning at 6am being the only adult awake and have no weetabix to give the toddlers

I think you need to practice your resting bitch face. I never get asked stuff like this!

So you sort out your own children. That's expected. Why are you sorting everything else?! If you prefer to organize everything because you like things to be planned to your liking, well, that's 100% on you.

What, be super petty and just bring enough milk for 3 children and no one else? Remove 5 weetabix from the box and leave the box at home to stop other people eating my food? Not sure I can be that bitchy

As l wrote in my original post "l decline things in a polite and firm way but the requests keep coming". I say no which either accepted begrudgingly or as l was informed the other week, got told lm mean.

@SpinnyDinos456 you asked who -a mix of family and friends

This is one of my theories, not going to lie

Do these people not have their own children? They obviously see you as a mother figure and treat their mothers appallingly.

They either have grown up children or no children by choice. My mum friends with young or youngish children seem to live by the code l do, of sorting ourselves out 🤷‍♀️. They aren't the issue

It's not petty to only shop for your children. Doing a big shop for 6-10 adults is very different to shopping for your kids only. Yeah, share out the weetabix. But no reason to go the extra mile to do a big shop, book restaurants and activities, and organize everyone. That's a choice made by you. A choice I am not making and it's fine. If people haven't made plans, we wing it. If it doesn't suit us, we do our own thing and see them in a couple of hours.

Honestly, you sound like my mother. A wonderful, caring mother, that spent every family holiday stressed to the hills, usually having some sort of breakdown at the end of it saying no one appreciates her efforts. And she's right, no one appreciated it.

How can I sound like your mother from a couple of posts about weetabix.
its 4 adults not 10.
i haven’t organised any activities

Cheeky fuckers. Just be less helpful and available. I'm sure your DH doesn't go around bringing people sauces or organize birthday parties, and has no shame in saying no mate, don't be ridiculous.

You said this in your post!!!

Yeah I agree people see you as default mother to all. We are going away with family for 2 nights. They are pre children. I’m the one organising check in, food, activities, events, eating yadda yadda. Despite being the busiest of all 4 of us, everyone just looks to me. Lazy and sexist

Oh sorry!

I’ll amend - it should have said…they THINK I’m the one organising events, activities, food etc. i havent done anything either way as of yet….

OK well, that's the point. People can ask and assume, you really don't have to do it all.

At home, if your DH isn't helpful, you have no choice sometimes but to get on with things but that's a very, very different issue.

I would not go out of my way to mother or serve other people just because they're lazy and they assume I can do it.

You’ve not said who these people are, but it sounds like the main ones are your family: parents, siblings and their partners? If so, then the problem will be the family! Continue to say no.

The lunch example you mention with work colleagues sounds unusual: perhaps you’re more attuned to other CFs due to your experiences with your family.

I like your style.

So far I’ve implied heavily on the WhatsApp that things need doing and I’ve worded it that I’m not doing it.

Good! When in doubt, I ask myself "what would DH do?". The answer is invariably "nothing". Result.

This has literally never happened to me. I think you have some odd people in your life!

Happens to me for sure. One of the oldest in a very big extended family, and the oldest married woman of my generation. So, I'm stand in mum to the rest of them, and their kids, and sometimes our parents generation too. Assumption is that me and DH sort dinner at family gatherings, I'm "in charge" of all the little kids, transport for the siblings etc who don't drive is just "Bluey will be passing that way".

Saying no - everything would descend into a free for all of binge drinking and fighting, babies, toddlers and dogs totally unsupervised and unfed, maybe someone eventually sticks some toast on for the kids, the adults might order a huge takeaway around midnight.

Don't attend family gatherings - we'd be ostracized for "forgetting where we're from"/ "getting notions", etc.

Plus I do love them. And my brothers do try to help, only the pull of beer, cigs and chat can be very strong.