When did l turn into the general dogs body?! I have my own life

[BernardButlersBra]

Is it just me but since you have children do people think you are there to organise / plan, collect, host, anticipate lots of stuff for others? Examples include "makes sense for Bernard to host Christmas again -it's just easier" (it's really not, it's not our turn and lm declining). "Bernard or Steve could pick you up on the way, it's not that far out of their way (we aren't going and can't fit you in the car anyway). "Bernard could organize Auntie Violet's birthday party / clean out her shed / fill in her PIP forms" 😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫

I work full time compressed into 4 days, so does my husband and we have toddler twins so life is fairly busy. I also have an autoimmune disease which doesn't help. It's not my husband or in-laws. We have quite an equal relationship so my husband is clear how busy everything is -he isn't shielded from it all! Im more than happy to do my share with friends, family, social stuff etc. But people act like lm at a loose end and not at full capacity pretty much

Things came to a head yesterday when l was out with some old work friends for lunch with the twins. I don't mind grabbing the sauces when getting my own sauce or another fork. But there was lots of "can you get me a refill of my drink". "I think that lady behind you is struggling...". It got to the point where l had to be very pointedly saying "lm just finishing off my lunch at the moment -it would be quicker if you got up and got your own drink". Trying to get the 3 of us fed and watered was taking up all my bandwidth to be honest!

I'm not a walkover and for obvious reasons don't say lm bored or at a loose end as lm not so l don't know where it's coming from. I decline things in a polite and firm way but the requests keep coming. I have my own theories but just wondered if anyone else had this and understands it. It's SO ANNOYING!

For clarity in case any of these points might derail the thread:

• we either pay for our childcare or do it ourselves (no grandparent or friends / family support)

-we live in our own home which again we pay for -no nanny or housekeeper or massively great finances (like lots of people mortgage and childcare drains most of our money!). We have a cleaner once a fortnight, as we can't afford every week and it helps keep the grub at bay -l don't go on about how tired l am. As l thought it's kind of obvious it's draining working full time and having 2 toddlers?! Plus l try not to be a moaner

Are they men?

Ooh I like this. In my case it would be ‘not have read the WhatsApp in the first place’ which, frankly, is the dream.

It's like an endless game of tennis, with me knocking it back over the net and then they want to return it. Maybe l need to either ignore more or use sarcasm? Increasingly as the twins ask the same silly question 3 time in 2 minutes then l ignore and move on!

Possibly? But l do wonder about why you would to get someone already tending to 3 people to get your drink? Surely they have enough to contend with and most likely don't care about your drink (l didn't!)

@ImNotAsThinkAsYouDrunkIAm l have turned off the read reports on my WhatsApp and not looked back!

Mainly not. Mainly say 90% women but the odd guest appearance by men

This is what l have been doing for sometime now, pregnancy wasn’t super easy thanks to the twin part and it’s been a whirlwind since. I don’t have a massive amount of free time anyway and l don’t wish to fill it with other people’s errands / tasks.

Mention of husband is a good one as he doesn’t drag me into stuff or get this stuff put his way. It might be framed as Bernard can do it and Steve can “help”. But never him. Personally on the family WhatsApp he thinks saying as little as possible e.g. “we aren’t doing Christmas” is better. I would have preferred “we aren’t doing Christmas and it’s not our turn” but he thought that was too confrontational. We’ve been together over a decade, my mother and brothers have never hosted. So it’s been either been us, the in-laws or a restaurant

My main theories about the whole situation include old fashioned sexism (especially galling as it’s other women trying to fob things off onto me), cheeky fucker laziness, ask a busy person to do stuff or scatter gun approach of asking any passing person until some idiot gives in

This doesn’t happen to me. I think it’s because you let it. You have to say no or you have to place the expectation on someone else first. It’s about being assertive. Definitely no one would ask me to do those things, baring maybe grabbing some sauces or extra napkins in a cafe if I’m up. Because they don’t have an expectation I’d say yes. I’m not at all a people pleaser. Everyone definitely knows that. 😂

Like l said l don't let it. Declined to get friends drink -lm eating my lunch. Declining to host Christmas -we are going to a restaurant. It's the back and forth with debate and expectation lm sick of. I'm not sick of doing the things as l don't do them. By placing the expectation on everyone else, do you mean tell Cousin Jason he needs to clear out grandmas shed?! Plus l don't see why it's my job to work out and makes me as bad as them! Can't everyone be a grown up, independent and sort themselves out?!

Agree with this. I don’t think I’ve ever experienced this in 20 odd years of having kids. If anything, when I was out with young kids, others would be the ones saying ‘You sit down and eat, I’ll fetch/carry whatever’

I think that maybe some of the people you are talking about aren't people you want in your life. Obviously if they're family or in-laws, it's trickier but still worth thinking about.

I think as a general rule, that if you need to tell people "no" more than once, they don't respect you.

I can’t say I do identify with that, and I’m usually the first to moan about being overburdened! I’m a mum to two under 4.

So, I think it’s a combination of the specific people you’re surrounded by and you that’s creating the dynamic. There’s no way anyone would do this to me because I’m simply not the one for shit like this. Maybe you’re just perceived as being a lot nicer (if not a walkover) and that’s why people think they can take the piss even if they actually can’t? Family is one thing but colleagues?! Nah. Stop being so polite about saying no. Clearly, it’s not working if you keep having to field this bullshit.

It may also be that this sort of stuff seems amplified to you because you’re so full up. I know I don’t mind volunteering my help to others when I’m feeling like I’ve got capacity, but when I don’t, I really, really resent any encroachment on my time and energy, especially if it’s got a ‘mum to all’ vibe about it. It feels like people are trying to kill me 😂 I know you mention finances are tight but is there any way you and your DH can regroup and look at strategies to alleviate the pressure? It might even come down to stuff like ‘don’t fight the kids on the nights they won’t get in the bath if they’re clean ‘enough’!

I don't recognise this at all. I'd start spelling it out to them.

But l do wonder about why you would to get someone already tending to 3 people to get your drink? Surely they have enough to contend with and most likely don't care about your drink (l didn't!)

Mum, I am looking after three children already and have my hands full. Why can't you get your own drink?

Etc etc

The irony is in-laws completely get it. Very rarely give us a moment issue. They are thoughtful and understanding people