Should a 16 (almost 17) year boy say Thank you?

[Timbukpoo]

My nephew recently visited us for work experience as he is interested in pursuing a career which my husband works in. Besides the usual hosting, we took him out twice for a meal, took him to a car racing activity which I assume he enjoyed as he loves cars. His parents picked him up today and they were extremely grateful (provided gifts which we refused but they insisted) and said several times how much they appreciated the opportunity for him. He only said thank you once because his parents instructed him on the way out. I have two younger children who I feel are more polite, in fact the past year I have had two strangers at different times tell me how polite my children have been, once on holiday abroad as they asked for table and once at a restaurant when they went to the counter to order their food, strangers near them then came to tell us how amazed they were at their politeness and manners. Am I wrong in thinking he should be saying thank you independently at this age?

If he’s not saying it automatically at this point then the problem started many years before IMO.

It should be said without prompting long before they finish primary school, and the fact that his parents were so effusive makes me think that they know that they have let the ball drop.

Some people don’t see why the need to drill social niceties into their kids but it gets you a lot further in life.

The good manners & behaviour of my two DC was often commented on when they were younger. They are now teens, slightly unpredictable, sullen & grunt rather than use full sentences. After a few days of being “on form” with family, I would let this one slide and certainly not judge him according to the behaviours of younger DC.

My kid in this situation would not say thank you if I was there but I know he does when I’m not there. Self conscious I guess. Give him a break 16 us that arkward time of knowing what you need to do but perhaps not used to the parent not telling them or not confident enough to do it. Did his behaviour seem like he was grateful.

Good point, thank you

I'm embarrassed when my 5 yo doesn't say thank you! Tbh I think my 15 yo SD might well not say it though. She's probably ASD and has grown up mostly in a home where manners are considered unnecessary. We have explained to her more than once that out in the big wide world, being clever, hard working and talented (which she is) may not be enough if she's abrasive and rude (which she also quite often is) but I think it's something she will have to learn the hard way.

We've met a lot of her friends and they are mostly the same way, even after DH and I have hosted them, cooked for them, taken them on days out etc. Maybe teenagers have always been a bit that way, they just expect adults to do things for them because it's their job!

Yes I suspect he is self conscious, hopefully he grows out of this.

Yep….

I have a nephew as an adult never said thank you for a fairly decent present when I handed it to him or later….miserable so n so too. Never got him anything since then. I’m not gifting rudeness or possibly unwanted gifts. Done with him.

I said yes but find with teens they are very self conscious! But I would have thought they’d have got to know you well over their stay and be able to communicate their gratitude.

Exactly this! I tell my children the same. I didn’t have a great start in life (bad school in deprived area) but my parents always taught me good manners and how to talk to adults and I truly believe my social skills helped me progress in my career.

Hmm tbh I consider myself very polite but at that age I was a bit awkward and I wouldn’t have known how to say thank you for a day out (like specifically what do you say that sounds normal out of a sullen teens mouth, and when do you say it, before during or after? I’d have been all awkward about the interaction) and I think they expect you to be fed, so going out for dinner isn’t always something they recognise as a ‘treat’ unless they’ve picked somewhere they’re excited about. I would always have said thank you for things, but maybe not experiences. If he was otherwise polite and pleasant and got stuck in to his work experience I wouldn’t think too much of it, especially as his parents were grateful. As you say your dc are younger, less sullen and awkward.

Thank you for sharing your perspective, maybe I’m being too harsh. I don’t have teenagers yet…. 😳

Probably embarrassed, don’t overthink things.

I would expect him to say thank you after a meal at this age. I do think its harder perhaps for teens to know how and when to express their thanks when there’s not an obvious moment to do so. Eg the motor racing - on the way back he needed to say “that was a great evening thank you” but that requires him realising, finding the right moment and having the confidence to say it.

Absolutely this. My middle child in particular could be very awkward and self conscious. In fact I remember a trip to my in laws when he was the age your nephew is and I thought he was being particularly sullen. I pulled him up on it and told him he was being rude and he was genuinely devastated. He felt shy and self conscious and hadn't considered for a minute people might mistake that for rudeness. He's 18 now and his social skills have improved again thankfully.
Given how polite your nephew's parents were i think it's safe to assume he's being brought up to be well mannered and will probably come out the other side.

Thank you for sharing, I’m sure he will grow out of it.

Some teenage boys will not really be with the program with this kind of stuff. I wouldn't hold this against him at all.

If he looked to be enjoying the week, then that is the gratitude. If he was miserable and difficult, then that is the lack of enthusiasm/enjoyment. Actions speak louder than words.

I’d give him the benefit of the doubt and think maybe he thought as his parents had said it he didn’t have to. He probably would have had he been alone and saying goodbye.

Exactly this! My DS, while very good at the pleases and thank yous when food is passed, shopping is handed over, doors are held open, presents are given, would find it excruciating to pipe up with "I've had a lovely evening, thank you so much, the dinner was delicious". In fact, when I reminded him on the last day of his work experience that he'll need to give a sincere, directed and detailed thanks to his mentor when he said goodbye, he told me (that the example wording I gave) would be really awkward and cringe, and people don't talk like that any more. (He said he did it anyway, but I expect it was more low-key than I would have hoped. I also made him send an email afterwards....). DH and I are super-polite (it sounds like your in-laws are too) but all you can do at that age is prompt and model good manners, and hope it eventually sinks in!

And that’s the thing these posters saying their 5 year old says thanks is not comparable to a teen who has their own mind .

Did your nephew want to spend the week with you and do work experience, or did his parents want that? Is it really his ambition or his parents? Is what he (himself, not his parents) wants to do exactly what he was shadowing this week or only tangentally related? (Just as a silly example he wants to be a software developer and your husband was able to offer work experience in your husband's electronics business...)

The whole experience may have been him on his best behaviour doing something his parents asked of him. Yes, he should have said thank you once, but if he was polite and did as required at work he may well have been putting in effort to be polite and helpful all week. He may feel he's been working for free all week.

There are two sides to everything and I'd wonder how he saw the week and who's idea it was.

Yes, as everyone says, eager to please younger children being polite in brief interactions is not comparable to a teenager on their best behaviour in a host household for a week.

It’s funny you ask this because we feel (my husband and I) that he’s only going into this profession for his parents. He attends one of the best private schools in the country (London) but was heavily tutored, got offers to all the top schools he applied to. I don’t feel he has been allowed to ‘grow’ and develop a personality of his own as his parents have pretty much dictated all his moves. So I agree, he was on his best behaviour for his parents and did what was required of him.

Did he at least say please/thank you at the transactional level, i.e. when served food, poured a drink, given a lift etc?

Yes he did do that. I just expected a thank you for the car racing activity, or show some more appreciation? we didn’t have to organise that.

Poor kid. It actually sounds as though he's very polite, well behaved and possibly shy and a bit awkward outside his comfort zone. It sounds as though his problems aren't lack of manners - it sounds as though he was well mannered, just not effusive.
Obviously it's not ypur fault or your problem but his utter lack of agency and self motivation sound like problems his parents have given him, which at some point will cause rebellion or mental health issues.

I think you are right.