How does anyone get ANYTHING done with a newborn?

[moondip]

My baby turned 4 weeks yesterday, and I am struggling to understand how anyone manages to stay on top of anything “normal” at this stage. I don’t mean anything excessive - just that I am barely able to shower, I don’t really get dressed/ready for the day as my boobs are wanted constantly (so it hardly makes sense to wear anything more than a vest on top), and I haven’t cooked a meal since she was born. My husband is helpful, but there’s little bits I’d at least like to be able to do like check my hair in the mirror from time to time or have the chance to put a proper outfit on! I think I’d just like the contrast occasionally… She’s what I’d describe as a “Velcro baby” in that she will only reliably sleep when bed-sharing (following Safe Sleep 7) after a side-feed, and 9 times out of 10 we can’t put her down for a nap anywhere during the day - she will just wake up. She doesn’t even like the sling, so I can’t have her in that while I try to do some self-care or minor bits around the house. I don’t really know what I’m looking for here other than some validation that I’m not crazy or lazy. Did others with such attached newborns also struggle to do anything other than be mum so early on? I have friends who have newborns they can put down for naps here and there, or that like the baby-wearing sitch, so they’re able to get out a bit more easily or keep on top of house stuff a bit better (or even deal with other children!).

Mine just slept all the time, I had to wake him up for feeds every 4 hours. I used to take him to the GP and ask what was wrong with him.
I was really worried he had a severe learning difficulty but he is 42 now and has a degree so I guess not.
I never had any more, I knew I'd never be this lucky again.
Apparently me and Dsis were the same.

Honestly, if they're asleep on me during the day and wake up when I put them down I just leave them there and do what needs to be done and they can sleep the next time..I do think the first feeds A LOT MORE to bring in supply..it will get better at 6 weeks

You are not crazy or lazy. Some of them are like this! You are doing a marvellous job continuing to grow a human being. Look at her - bar one cell, your body has grown every single part of her. It's incredible! On the other hand, it will not harm her to cry for a couple of minutes whilst you brush your hair or take a quick shower and you do need to feel human, otherwise it's easy to start feeling overwhelmed. Similarly the sleeping arrangements they will tolerate do change with time, so I'd recommend periodically trying again with setting down to sleep, or walking to sleep in the pram etc, whilst also not letting yourself get stressed or feel you're somehow not doing it 'right' if she won't have it, so you end up feeding to sleep or lying with her. Whatever works, works! Congratulations x

Lower your expectations- she is only 4 weeks. Get help if you can even if its just people holding the baby while you shower. All babies are different so you can't compare. Some will be put down some won't but remember she still thinks she's part of you. Persevere with the sling as she might like soon.
But also if you do need to do something basic self care then just put her down and do it.
Just try and lean into it as it really isn't forever!

I think I was a selfish cow. I.put the baby down in the crib while I showered and dressed and when I needed to make a quick lunch or bung dinner in the oven. The second baby just has to fit in with the flow and so my first had to fit in with what I felt was essential for me.

IME the only way to get “anything” done or do anything “normal” is to redefine “anything” and “normal”.

You are likely achieving a million things each day. You are feeding your child, cleaning your child, facilitating your child’s sleep, comforting your child, building trust that will enable great relationships throughout your child’s life. Those things are all more important than pretty much anything else you can name. You do need to look after yourself too, which IME is only possible if you can hand over the job of feeding/caring/comforting/sleeping/relationship building to another caregiver for a while. Priority number 1 should be finding an alternative caregiver to hand the reins to while you care for yourself - who/when/how long etc is up to you.

When baby is older, you will probably reap the benefits of spending so much time with your baby now. A secure baby sleeps well and can manage being left for a short time while you go to the loo/check your hair in the mirror/put the kettle on. But in the early days, I would say they basically need to be given to someone else for a while when you need time to do something without a baby attached.

Some people will tell you the newborn stage is the easiest one but it wasn’t with either of mine. Very hard and I got nothing done - house was a mess, I was a mess, didn’t have time to fart type situations. You are not lazy, you are trying your best. It gets better, this is just the way it is right now. Sending virtual hug x

my First was like this. Always wanting to feed, allll the time , always wanting to be held. If I put him down he would wake so every nap was a contact nap. It just wasn’t worth waking him as he’d be miserable and would not go back to sleep. It was very overwhelming. I always made sure I at least brushed my teeth every day as he wouldn’t just be left in a baby seat and would be hysterical. In the end I just accepted stuff wouldn’t get done. I gave up wearing make up. I had to make lunches I could grab out the fridge and eat with one hand. It does get better though…eventually. First smiles around 6 weeks hang in there.

No you're not crazy or lazy you just have a newborn baby and everything will get easier to do as she gets older. For now, don't worry about any house stuff, prioritise doing things that make you feel good if you can and if not remember that you spent the day cuddling your daughter and that was good enough 😊

I baby wore a lot, including to feed. If baby wasn't in sing by waved a carry, I did stuff etc my other hand.

My babies were very much contact nappers and for a long time the moses basket was for clean laundry not a baby, but I don't think I ever went hungry out for stuck in.

If you've got a clingy baby and it's your first you have a choice between 1) trapped in the sofa 2) baby wearing and then doing whatever you want 3) accepting they'll cry more than you than you'd like. For subsequent babies you don't get option 1.

It's a learning curve as it's a new job. People often either love or hate the newborn stage. It's very marmite. So whilst I can't relate to finding it hard (it's been my easiest bit), I know others that have found it very tricky, so it's very normal.

I'd get a fit check of your sling btw. It might be that tweaks are needed or that a different one wind be better. I think sometimes people find it hard to know how much to tighten them which can make a baby feel insecure.

Becoming a human kangaroo was the best decision I made for my babies. Its worth persevering.

First year is tough. First year with two is even tougher. Both of mine were feeding every two hours or less up to six months. It all gets easier after that. It's true the second one gets left because if you have a two year old and a baby the toddler generally gets attention first.
Lots of people will say the opposite but that was my experience.

Just lower all expectations, Don't worry about your appearance, if you can get a shower or bath when DH is home that's a win.

What happens if you put her down though, does she cry? Can you send DH out with her in the pram, and will she sleep then and be left in the pram??

I had very sleepy babies, so they were fed and put down for three odd hours until the next feed, but even then, if they woke up they would often just look at their mobiles, or if out in the garden at the trees and birds. If they are not distressed I used to just leave them.

With DD2, as others have said, they just have to get on with it, and you have to too. I was up and out and doing school pick ups from 2 weeks..... You sometimes just have to be firm and get on with it.

Just a solidarity post to say I had the same, complete Velcro baby who wouldn’t be put down, always attached to my boob and cosleeping.
it does get easier and you will gradually get more moments to yourself to get things done. I kept trying with the sling and one day it just clicked and suddenly I could do the cleaning, put a bit of make up on, move about more to get things done and feel more normal. That was a game changer. Then a little while later they learnt to love the bouncer.
It will come, and you are doing everything right for your little one ♥️ some babies are just a bit more sensitive and require more contact/closeness to settle. if I could give myself some advice looking back it would be just do the bare minimum and don’t compare to others (as hard as it is), lean into it where you can. The harder I fought it mentally didn’t change the situation and just left me feeling worse. You’ll get there, and much sooner than you think.

It’s a learning curve. I felt exactly the same as you with my first child. When my third was 27 hours old my eldest was in the first week of reception and I was doing the school run…

I could have written this myself a few weeks ago! I have a 14 week old now and things are a little better because she likes to lay on her playmat for a little bit of her bouncy chair while I quickly get something done but even now some days I can’t cook a meal or keep on top of the house!
the earlier days were crazy as I physically couldn’t get anything done at all. its really frustrating but it will slowly get easier!

It’s difficult and I struggled alot also. You have to rethink your whole life and how you did things. It dues get better, so hang on in, but if you’re really struggling, then speak to health visitor.

If you can, join a mums and baby group. Just talking to other mums in the same situation helps.

I didn’t do anything during the day other than look after baby and myself. Once a week I’d do the food shopping. I prepped my lunch and snacks with them in a sling.

As soon as dh came in the door, they went to him and I didn’t take them back until bedtime except for feeds. So I’d go do whatever I wanted, sort out a few jobs, I’d cook dinner, I’d have a shower (sometimes a nap), he’d have the babies, do bathtime and get them dressed and ready for bed, and then bring them to me for bedtime. So I had at least 2-3 hours a day when I didn’t have a baby before I did bedtime and went to sleep myself.

Give yourself a break!!
Not literally from baby, just from your expectations.
from an old timer (DDs 24 & 19) this phase does not last forever.

you must do what gets you through.

if you’re house isn’t as tidy as it used to be, if you’re not cooking from scratch, if you nap at random times, it’s ok and normal.

you or baby does not have a routine but it will change.

I fought this stage so much because I had this idealised impression of what it was supposed to be like.
it quite frankly ruined my time with DD1.
it was a waste of time and energy.

you are doing the most important job that you were designed to do. the rest of it can wait.

dont waste your time swearing about the things that don’t matter.

Just enjoy your new born

I feel your pain!
My first was exactly as your describe. He was incredibly hard work - still is very much the same. My other 2 were so much more chilled.
Just do what you can, when you can. Lower your expectations A LOT. Ask for help. Visitors can help, they do not need to be waited on.
Put yourself before housework. Rest as much as you can, you never know when you're going to be kept up the entire night. Be kind to yourself.

Yep our first was exactly like this, couldn't put him down, could only sleep while being held or (later) in the pushchair walking, cried every hour in the night, sometimes up until 3am unable to settle. I spent hours on Google wondering what I was doing wrong, feeling depressed that I had no idea what I was doing. Didn't sleep through the night until nearly 2 years old (longest before that was about 6 hours sleep the day after his jabs)
Fast forward and now he's at school and he's just got a super active mind, I don't think he's been bored ever in his life, he is constantly learning and he sleeps through all but about once a month. So it does get better!
I am still slightly in awe of parents who do school drop off with 3 kids in tow as he needs 1:1, but I know that it's not something I'm doing wrongly some kids just are easier then others.
Good luck, just keep putting one step in front of the other until it starts getting easier.

6 month old here who still contact naps - at one stage I was venting to my husband that I had got nothing done all day because all he wanted was to be held and my husband said ‘there will come a time where he won’t want to be held’ and that was enough to make me cry 😂 I am now soaking up every contact nap, the housework and washing and everything else will get done eventually!

Be kind to yourself there is so much pressure on mummies to do it all, to work full time but be a stay at home mum, have an immaculate house and cook everything from scratch and have the washing done and go to baby groups and make time to exercise and be washed dressed hair and makeup done 7 days a week and it’s just not realistic. Enjoy this time, soak it all up, it is the most important and best job in the whole wide world and you are doing fab ❤️

It’s not forever, everything is a phase and soon I’m sure you’ll be able to put her down a bit more. Just go with it- ready meals you can shove in the oven one handed, consider getting a cleaner to help too.

My daughter was in my arms 23h a day for most of the first 5 months. Even putting her down to put water in the kettle resulted in her crying and screaming.
my hair was brushed and washed once every 1-2 weeks when I dared to have a bath whilst dad attempted to have her. She wouldn't settle for dad so quite a few baths got interrupted.
For us sorting out her allergies and reflux was life changing and within a week of me being dairy free I could put her down and she'd be happy and some times stay asleep.

At 4 weeks it's quite normal unfortunately and quite a few of my friends had similar situations but most of them between 4 and 6 weeks were starting to get time where they could shower or get changed and so on. The rest between 6 and 8 weeks were in this situation. It was only my tricky little one where instead of getting better it got worse and worse. The days are long and the weeks fly by quickly.

10.5 months of a Velcro baby here - your OP was very relatable! Co-sleeping because he couldn’t be put down in the next to me, contact napping because… ditto!

Both co-sleeping and contact napping continue to this day. It hasn’t always been easy and some people simply don’t ‘get’ it. All this ‘sleep when the baby sleeps’ is impossible if I have to hold him.

A couple of things that eventually helped:

• a bouncer from Smyths let me have a shower while he sat in it for all of a few minutes, watching me
• Learning that you can get highchairs with a newborn attachment - this really helped from about three months because I was able to put him in it and prepare a quick drink or sandwich (or even hang up some washing!)
• Once he was six months old we set up a sidecar cot. At first he didn’t really want to go into it and preferred the c-curl. Now however, he will feed and then roll over into it - allowing me to stretch out in bed for a few hours before he rolls back for another feed!
• The fisher price kick and play piano mat really entertained him and I wish we’d bought it sooner. Again, he was able to lie on that for a short period while we gobbled dinner.

I haven’t read the whole thread yet but just to say that there are those of us who do understand! It really is tough in many ways but I realised there was nothing wrong with us or DS, it was just his temperament. Co-sleeping - for years - is entirely normal in so many parts of the world. In many ways the race to get a baby into their own room and sleeping independently is a money grabber for that industry, isn’t it…? The cots, the machines, the cameras…?

I wish I’d stopped worrying about how I could fix what I thought was broken, when all along there was nothing broken. I go back to work soon and I wish I could have a couple months more of it all! You will find your way, @moondip 😊