My DD (14) has only child syndrome, jealously with cousins

[Blendedthings9953]

My DD is 14, there is 5 years between her and her oldest cousins however she has lots of cousins and also DExP DD who is 1.

For years my DD (13) has always had extreme jealousy when it comes to her cousins on both mine and her DF side. If family members are giving attention to other cousins she gets upset/annoyed/moody. DD is looked after by my mother when I am at work however she refused to go the last few weeks as my mother has been looking after my niece over the summer holidays. I have also noticed when adults of the family make any comment or tell any of the others off she seems to get a kick out of it.

It doesn’t help that being first born she previously had a bedroom in both grandparents house but as you can imagine with growing families this is not possible but she has made comments before that “so she should” as she was the first born. I’ve never ever pushed this narrative but now any talk about changing those rooms and she hits the roof. I also don’t think this is fair on cousins as it looks like favouritism.

I thought she would grow out of it but she’s now 14 and the jealously isn’t going anywhere. If anything it’s worse the older she gets as she’s plain nasty sometimes to the kids. She also has a new sibling which she is also insanely jealous of.

Has anyone experienced anything similar? I have tried my best to sit down with her and try to teach her the best approach and that even with new members in the family it doesn’t mean she’s any less loved. Nothing I’ve said or done over the last however many years seems to have made any difference.

I don’t think this has anything to do with being an only child. I was an only child and I couldn’t have given a hoot what my cousins did or got or whatever. My dd was the only child in the family for many years and she isn’t like this.

I think it’s simply being able to get away with this behaviour for too long. If she is rude or entitled or unkind, what do you do other than talking about it? Certainly, thinking of mine, she would miss out on things if she was being a pain or unkind. The others would get to go do things and she would have to stay home.

I had a cousin like this. Honestly it was not because she was an only child, she wasn't it was because my Aunt let her away with it. If she was not the center of attention she would pretend to be ill or something similar. My Uncle just told us all to ignore the behavior and took her home when she tried to make something about her. To be fair to the girl her mother is the exact same. Sadly for her she has very limited relationship with us all now.

I also was anminly child and loved hanging out with my cousins.

what discipline and reward system do you use. Do you pull her up on her behaviour. Do you make her apologise when she is nasty to the children.

14 is a bit old to be jealous fuck all your cousins and nasty to the little ones. I’d be making her sit by you at family gatherings with no phone untill she sorts her behaviour out as she can’t be trusted not to be mean to the other children

it also might be worth doing some active activities so you ca. have some heart to hearts about her behaviour. Does she have any older cousins she looks up to that can say something?

Does she get enough attention and praise in other areas of her life? I was an OC and I loved my cousins, there was never any jealousy BUT I was praised in other parts of my life. Is she thriving in other parts of her life? Does she have hobbies? Maybe she’s over reliant on their attention.

Maybe times have changed, but I also was not at my grandparents at 14 in the school holidays. I would look after myself or go to friends or go to a holiday club.

I grew up in a large family and one of my Dsis is like this. Still really jealous of everyone else even now as an adult.

Going to grandma’s with her primary school age cousin must seem pretty babyish for a 13/14YO so no wonder she’s not happy. Ditto sharing a bedroom when they’re so much younger- probably means tiptoeing around at bedtime then being woken up early. I get that there are other issues with jealousy and behaviour but I think you’ve got 2 separate issues. I’d stop babying her by expecting she gets minded by Grandma with the little ones and that would probably go a long way to improving her attitude around the wider family.

Sorry! Cousin is her age, not primary school complete oversight in my OP!

just to add, she doesn’t like any of her cousins. There is one younger one she tolerates (and this is not me condoning it, I couldn’t think of a better word) but even then after an hour or so calls her a brat

Surely this is nothing to do with the cousins and a lot to do with being an only child for 14 years and now suddenly having a sibling?

I'm an only child and honestly in her situation I'd have been livid.

Just to add she’s made comments about me getting a new partner, when I was dating someone she somehow got into my phone and blocked them.

DD father and father’s family live in another city. I wasn’t sure if it was anything to do with our split but that was 13 years ago so it’s all she has ever known.

@AnnaMagnani this has been going on for the years well before the new sibling, so I didn’t really think there was any correlation. There is a consistent dislike with any other members of the family, cousin and siblings included

It's not to do with being an only. Plenty of onlys are absolutely fine with it.

It's because she is a madam who doesn't respect others.

Why does she have to like her cousins though?

None of them are close in age to her, she probably has always found them annoying.

At 14 having to go to childcare with a bunch of younger kids sounds grim.

Sorry as an only child with an only child

This is plain just bad behaviour.

You have let her rule the roost for far too long. she has a world anger and disappointment coming her way.

If my child got into my phone and blocked someone, there would be hell to pay. HELL

Being the only child she is not used to sharing attention with others as a part of her everyday life so it’s something that needs to be nurtured deliberately. It also feels that her grandparents overdone the first born status which added to the issue. And she was the only child for far too long, getting sibling at this age is often tricky. She needs to be corrected and punished for mean behaviour but she still needs attention and love.
Do you always positive about her cousins? I mean naturally positive.
I didn’t like mine and was really nasty and mean to him at this age. Now thinking back I realised that it wasn’t as simple as my wrong behaviour. He had problems at school ( he would have a diagnosis now but not then) and was generally criticised for everything, considered stupid, slow and useless so of course I picked up on this vibe.

Posters on here really seem to know so little about children and their development and mental health, I really worry for their kids tbh. You don't punish issues out of a 14 year old. It's not going to happen.

Of course this is all about the split, she is obviously terrified of not being anyone's priority any more. That is why she is blocking partners on your phone and really struggling with her new sibling.

At some point she has felt unloved and like no one prioritised her (even if this wasn't true). This has led to her being extremely insecure and really needing to be everyone's number one priority to try to get any self esteem or feel lovable.

I promise you that you won't punish this behaviour out of her, punishing her is just going to make her feel less loved and less secure and she is going to end up act out much more - and that may happen in secret.

People just don't realise the huge impact parents splitting gup can have on kids, then wonder why they're 'badly behaved' and think the answer must be that they need more punishment.

Honestly people on here just love to punish. What this girl desperately needs is to feel secure and like she is someone's number one priority otherwise she may very well end up looking for that love and security in all the wrong places.

@Jan168
sorry would be great to get your advice on how? as all family members to make the effort to make her feel loved. She’s a moody teenager at the moment so it’s slightly more difficult to engage with her but I can’t think of anything which would make her feel she’s not priority. Naturally with new arrivals there have been more members to love but this has never taken away from how she’s been treated by everyone else.

It’s so hard because it’s battling making her feel loved and validated but not allowing her to grow into an entitled unpleasant adult

She sounds really insecure with low self-esteem if having her grandparents pay attention to/compliment her cousins is somehow a threat to her.

I know you separated years ago from her father, but could she be insecure because of this? How often does she see him? Does he spend any quality time with her? Having a cute new sibling 'replace' you is tough.

Do any of the cousins have separated parents? Maybe she feels jealous that they are part of a (in her mind) 'perfect' family.

@Goodgoings potentially as she lives such distance from my ex and his family which means she might feel she’s not as part of that family as the rest?

all cousins have separated parents, the only thing I can think is that her dads nieces and nephews see that side of the family more?

I’m sorry OP I don’t want to pile on but I agree with other, I think it’s less to do with being an only child and more to do with being allowed to get away with murder. Is it perhaps your guilt (misplaced!) that she is an only child that you let things slide and use that as an excuse for poor behaviour? I have a niece like this, to be fair she is only 7 but her behaviour is appalling and her mum lets her away with it, treads her as if she’s a naughty toddler and not a child who should know better and be taught better. Time to clamp down on it.

@Motherofdragons24 I am not disagreeing with the comments that are being made at all. To a certain degree I do believe it doesn’t help how I have dealt with it but also that grandparents have tip toed around things as well to keep the peace.

its just interesting to get everyone’s viewpoint

Apologies to any only children I’ve offended. I am not at all saying all only children end up this way, I’m just saying a child that’s been only child for some time might struggle to no longer be centre of family attention.

I agree that there can be an adjustment period for an only child when others come along but you say she has cousins her age and a few years younger and it’s being going on years so I don’t think that is the problem here. Personally if it was my child I would be having strong words before seeing cousins, they don’t have to be best friends but she has to be civil and polite and any unkind behaviour will result in sanctions, removal of devices etc and follow through. The truth is if she behaves like this with cousins her age she probably behaves the same with friends at school which will lead to all sorts of problems going through the teenage years.

You are inventing a 'syndrome' as an excuse for your childs bad behaviour. Maybe she's not jealous just bad mannered.
stop trying to make her feel 'better' -

@Iwanttoliveonamountain im not inventing a syndrome. I have lovely only child friends however they can often be a little selfish and self centred, not always considerate of how they make others feel. In my opinion this stems from not being raised in an environment where you have to share love and affection daily, be considerate of another sibling. It’s no fault of anyone’s it’s just being raised in an environment where you as the child are the only priority.