My DD (14) has only child syndrome, jealously with cousins

[Blendedthings9953]

My DD is 14, there is 5 years between her and her oldest cousins however she has lots of cousins and also DExP DD who is 1.

For years my DD (13) has always had extreme jealousy when it comes to her cousins on both mine and her DF side. If family members are giving attention to other cousins she gets upset/annoyed/moody. DD is looked after by my mother when I am at work however she refused to go the last few weeks as my mother has been looking after my niece over the summer holidays. I have also noticed when adults of the family make any comment or tell any of the others off she seems to get a kick out of it.

It doesn’t help that being first born she previously had a bedroom in both grandparents house but as you can imagine with growing families this is not possible but she has made comments before that “so she should” as she was the first born. I’ve never ever pushed this narrative but now any talk about changing those rooms and she hits the roof. I also don’t think this is fair on cousins as it looks like favouritism.

I thought she would grow out of it but she’s now 14 and the jealously isn’t going anywhere. If anything it’s worse the older she gets as she’s plain nasty sometimes to the kids. She also has a new sibling which she is also insanely jealous of.

Has anyone experienced anything similar? I have tried my best to sit down with her and try to teach her the best approach and that even with new members in the family it doesn’t mean she’s any less loved. Nothing I’ve said or done over the last however many years seems to have made any difference.

I have an only child.

This morning he said "I like being nice to people cos it helps them and me. It makes things better"

He shares amazingly well with his friends at school. He's always shared without ever complaining or getting upset. He looks out for others and says its important.

Stop making excuses and blaming it on being an only. Its not.

It could well be to do with you splitting up with her father and her feeling insecure but thats NOT because she is an only child. You saying its about her being an only allows her to continue because you enable it by saying to yourself 'oh well its not my fault and for me to deal with because I can't change this'.

Stop it.

Start with your own attitudes to her behaviour.

@RedToothBrush I've not once said it’s not my fault, I agree with a lot of PPs I said in my PP. I think my approach has not helped. I am in no way planning to enable this behaviour. I just am finding it hard to understand as I was never like this as a child. I’m trying to understand why she might be acting as she is. And asked if anyone had any experience with this, if the answer is no that’s not a problem I’m just trying to learn.

Again I think you are choosing to take offence over a comment I did not blanket across all only children. It’s my experience of friends who are only children and what they are like in adult life and interactions.

My eldest sister is like this! She’s in her 50’s and she is crazy! Always been like this. One of my sisters was posting pictures of her 5 year old playing football and (we all apart from her) sent a message along the tines of “aww so cute” and she removed herself from the group! She’s so immature. She’s highly sensitive to go with anything about her but is not so sensitive to others needs. Her daughter (also the eldest of all cousins) is also like her.

My sons partner only child, first grandchild loves her cousins. She's baby sat the ones that arrived years later.

I was the first grandchild of twelve and loved all my cousins.

I have five grandchildren two families, they're a formidable group when together. No issues.

@Blendedthings9953 your daughter is being very unfair, families grow but all are loved.

I'm not taking offense to anything.

You might reflect on your own post on that score.

I take it you are still blaming it on her being an only from your response.

Only children are NOT more likely than any other children to be like this. There has been extensive research on this. You are buying into a myth to make yourself feel better. Look for other explanations.

I think to help her call her out on her behaviour. If she listens you know you have a chance but if she denies, lies and manipulates the situation then you know it’s just no point. With my sister and niece we just ignore her now. I know it must be so hard for you as a mother. My mum coped by sticking up for her and her lies! So either call her out Oman’s get her to change it just accept

Some of these comments really break my heart. She’s a 14 year old girl whose parents have split up.

Punishing her and calling her behavior out will most likely make her retreat further into herself. It’s difficult time as it is at 14. You also can’t discount nature (vs nurture), everyone reacts differently to circumstances- it’s not necessarily what the OP has or hasn’t done- her DD personality is still developing.

She probably feels like she has nothing which is ‘hers’ and which is stable. I’d try and carve out something which is just for you two, something you can do regularly. Can you play something like squash or badminton together? Bake? A certain walk which always ends at somewhere you like eg pub meal or ice cream? Even just a series you can both watch and it’s ‘yours’.

I was an only and didn't behave like that. Some moodiness, jealousy, etc is expected from a 14 year old but this is extreme. She is getting away with being very unkind and rude.

i always feel so sorry for children in difficult (to them) situations, like df suddenly having a new baby in a nuclear family, and pp rush to to call the child a ‘madam’ and bleat on about who is ruling the roost.

op you’ve allowed certain behaviour and seemingly not looked at why your daughter either feels so angry, or threatened and insecure and now you’re blaming her being an only child, or her being nasty or a moody teenager. She’s just having a tough time where she’s given love and then someone else comes in and that love (dads undivided attention, special granddaughter bedroom etc) is repeatedly taken away. That is life but she needs to be reassured and shown how to deal with it. She was scared you’d stop being interested in her too, that’s why she blocked that person. Just telling her how to behave doesn’t work, punishment doesn’t work, you need to get to the bottom of the feelings causing the behaviour.

Can you treat her as the nearly adult child of the family, discuss her future, studying at college or uni, get her to do some sports like tennis or anything really with kids her age and older. Cousind often drift apart as older teens with boyfriends etc Then she might care less about out cousins and babies