How much independence do your kids have?

[MoiraRoseIsMyQueen]

I’ve just read this from Jonathan Haidt on Insta - https://www.instagram.com/p/DM_O3uFsqne/?img_index=8&igsh=cWplaTB5ZTM2bW9i - and it’s really made me think about my son and how much we ‘let’ him do. He’s just turned 9, but he’s a very young 9 - doesn’t have a phone, doesn’t go online or play computer games (he would if he could 😁 but we don’t have an Xbox etc). Quite honestly I’m happy for him to stay playing with his Lego and cars for as long as possible, I think children grow up too quickly nowadays!

But, this made me wonder - does he have enough independence, and what do others let their kids do? We don’t live in an area that allows him much independence currently - bit rough, very busy roads, etc, so it’s not really the norm for kids to go out alone. But we’ll be moving soon to a much quieter area, with possibly more opportunities for him to be independent - for example, we’ll have a park behind our house. Would you let him go with a friend and no adult? What do you let/encourage your similar-aged kids to do on their own?

I like this and it's given me something to think about.

With where we live I will be driving to drop off and collect DD from Primary school until she finishes so Secondary is going to be quite the adjustment. She's only 6 and just finishing year 1 but I've already identified a car park 5 or so mins from school that I plan to park in and let her walk in/back on her own in year 6 as a start.

She already orders for herself in cafes and restaurants, chooses her own outfits and packs for herself (she'd pack for me and DH too if I'd let her!!).

I'll start thinking on some of your other suggestions and come up with some others to add to it. You're right that there's more than one way to increase independence- just needs a bit of imagination and creativity!

She likes to go and get cutlery etc for us in a cafe, go to the loo on her own if it's somewhere small, and helps me cook/prepare pack ups etc. I hope we're off to a decent start!

Depends on the child. My DD was walking to school aged 10, playing out and meeting friends for a smoothie in the local town, a 10 mins walk away (one road to cross with crossing). From 11 she was walking to her grandparents a 20 mins walk away and able to meet friends a similar distance away in the park or cinema. My ds ( younger) was doing none of those things at that age. He was just too young. Now at 11 going on 12 he is walking to school and has just started going to the shop for me but that's it. He does go out with his sister on occasion but not on his own. They do both do jobs around the house, and cook basic meals.

Yawn yawn yawn

Yes you are off to a great start… much easier to keep building on things like this. How will DD get to secondary? It’s great if she can be fully independent on this.

Buses are good to get used to if you can ditch the car, next step would be getting her confident on a regular route, starting off travelling together.

I once read an article that said there are more road deaths in 11yo boys. It makes sense I guess because parents make them wait until they get to secondary school and send them off and hope. I went to middle school so began walking at 9yo. If middle schools were still here that would be the norm an siblings at primary means you have to walk to school with friends. I always played out on the estate where I grew up and crossed a road to go to the shop so it wasn't a big deal, the older kids looked iut for the younger ones, I remember whenever a car came someone would shout 'car' and we would all scarper onto the path!
I think parents are either preparers or protectors, I've always been a prepared, I remember my daughter would ride her bike to the chippy and still talks about the lovely lady that would tie the carrier bag to her handle bar for her!
I just remind myself that there will always be predatory weirdos around, in my day it was a flasher in the park but now they are more likely to be behind a screen somewhere so the streets should be safer!
Start in year 5 allowing them freedom, at least at that age they are a bit nervous instead of waiting till yr7 when they are full of confidence and have their image to think of!

11 is such a dangerous age to allow freedom for the first time because its the age when risk taking really takes off, especially with boys showing off to their mates. Much better that they learn to travel independently, crossing roads safely etc. when they are younger and happily follow the rules their parents give them.

That's just weird. They were robbed of their teenage years.

so world is so fully of dangers that a 17yo can't go to park with friends without mum sitting on the bench to keep an eye on them like they're a toddler. But it's totally safe and excellent parenting to send the same kid, who has previously not even taken the local bus by themselves, to fly to the other side of the world the minute they're 18?

Chilren need to be given independence gradually, it really isn't a good idea to never leave children unattended and then suddenly one day ask them to manage all alone for several weeks.

I agree. The poster may think my opinion is oh so dull, but I feel intensely sorry for those kids. It’s actually been playing on my mind!

I suspect social services would get involved in such parenting in my country, if the children let slip at school how controlled they are.

To be honest I’d hope it was a concern in any country. It’s so far from normal and healthy.

I suspect they very deliberately legged it to the other side of the world as soon as they were 18 because of this!

I think peoples responses will depend on where they live

An inner city high rise estate full of gang culture and drugs - you probably can't let your kids out alone.
A very small town/large village where like a previous poster said the main news is has anyone seen my cat or the council haven't picked up my rubbish - perfectly fine to let kids have freedom.

My sister in law tells a very funny story of moving country and walking her then 5 year old to school for the first few days. After a week, the teacher took her aside and told her it was fine tha tshe did this when he was new, but he needed to now start walking alone or with his sister (who was 7)!

I am a very big believer in independence. And I really do believe that paranoid parenting does not help anyone.

We have friends whose children are same age as ours. But she wouldn't let them have the same independence and they were often restricted eg if they came to our house, they weren't allowed to go to the shop like the others were. Last time I saw her, she told me she's worried as her teenager doesn't seem to go out much. And I did think to myself that perhaps it's becuase he spent all those years being told how dangerous it was and then when he did go out he was permanently tracked and his parents were always melting down if, for example, they had permission to go to the park but he took a different route home.

Where we live the expectation is that they will walk to school independently age 7.
In our case Kindergarten was max 10 metres away so they walked (in view) from the first week.

Public transport is also expected from a young age, and mine would have gone alone from maybe 10 or 11.
They have all travelled through airports alone from max 14.

I think independence is very important.

10 yr old GS no where near ready to go off on his own even though we’ve tried to encourage him, 8 yr old GS is more than ready to go off independently and is willing too!
All depends on the individual child

Usi GS’s as example as mine are all adults and it was so different when they were young!

That poor teenager, no wonder he doesn't go out much if he was so controlled before.

In my country they're expected to walk to school alone at 6/7 years old, my 7 year old walked for the first time today - I walked him the first two days and he wasn't even happy with that, he wanted to go by himself from day 1!

I think there's now too much of "they can do x at y age" and "they can't do an until b age" now.

What they should and can do is so child dependent, as well area dependent. Not what age was on their birthday card.

I do despair at the parents locally who wouldn't dream of allowing their primary age child to walk to school (safe village, still have a crossing patrol on the one busy road, lots of kids walk themselves) at any point yet are somehow genuinely surprised when their new high school age child struggles with the walk, bus, walk route when they start high school.

I said the same to a friend last year when they were stunned that their first year uni student was massively struggling - the lad had been dropped and set where he needed to be his whole life. His meals were laid out most nights, and just needed reheated on rare occasions he was home alone. He had never been alone overnight or fended for himself, yet it was somehow surprising that being responsible for getting himself from halls to uni on time, feeding himself and budgeting was a struggle.

I was told on here years ago that I was an unfit parent because I didn't always allow my twin girls to do things at the exact same age. Apparently that made me cruel and unfair, at the time my DD1 agreed (as she was allowed to do less, or had to wait until later), but now she completely agrees.

While outdoors independence can massively differ and depend on the kid and the area, having them become more independent at home should happen organically, chores, responsibilities, choices, more privacy etc.

Thanks!

It depends which secondary she goes to but most likely it'll be the one she can walk to from our house so shouldn't be a big deal. A massive secondary is going to be a bit of a shock to the system from our small, 1-form entry, only 20 kids in her class primary school as it is!

Unfortunately no similar options for travel for her primary due to location/timings for drop off/work etc.

Good thought on doing those routes and practicing buses with her as she gets older. I have some issues that makes using buses in general a challenge so she's only been on one a few times (usually park and rides) but I'll work on that (or get DH to take her sometimes as she gets older).

My son has been “playing out” since he was 6 - which is about the right age for here - but always in a group of 5/6. Very middle class development, nowhere to go - only thing they have to worry about is getting a nip from the resident psychopathic cat.

Always a parent lurking about, it’s hard to describe but you’d be able to see them - unless they went inside a home. Son has a watch to call me, and knows to always ask permission.

There are no shops, one entrance to the development and no reason for anyone but residents to be here.

He has been out since 6 - his wee group are 11 now and still the best of friends. His sister is 4.. I can’t see her being trusted at 6.

Def get DH to take her on buses to get used to them if its difficult for you to do, and get her to walk other places where it is possible for her to walk, like walking ahead when out as a family (when she is ready). Lots of ways to develop these skills outside of walking to school.