Summer holidays childcare dilemma

[inmytveara]

I would really like to get some advice on this from experienced parents as I’m struggling to find a solution.

I have one DD, aged 8, she has some traits of autism. She struggles with anxiety but otherwise manages life pretty well.

summer holidays are stressful. We’ve tried every sort of club (she’s very into acting and singing and other creative endeavours) but she’s just deeply stressed and unhappy at being with unknown adults and kids.

We’ve tried babysitters, but again she’s not really gelled with any and doesn’t enjoy the intensity of being with one adult each day.

She’s very social and really enjoys play dates and being with her gang of friends in our housing estate.

This summer she’s been away a couple of times with DH and I and on some days out with us and otherwise has hung out at home playing with her friends and mostly pretty happy.

But DH and I are struggling juggling home and work and we are only halfway through the holidays. I have no time at all for myself and am either doing childcare or working from 7-11 every day. Same for DH (he works evenings).

I don’t want her to be unhappy or stressed but I need some sort of respite. We have no family help.

are there other families in this position? What do you do. Should I just tough it out for a few more years to make her happy? Or insist on some outside child care or support.

Where are her friends spending the summer - could they go to a club together? At least then she’d have some familiar faces.

If she is at home how much childcare does she need at 8?

Her friends do go to clubs but she’s very resistant to go with them. Quite a few kids are just at home with minimal supervision from parents and she’s pretty self sufficient herself but I don’t like to leave her too much to her own devices. Also she wants a constant array of snacks and meals and she wants time with me too - more than I can give. Although maybe it’s a fair compromise that if she stays home she has to accept I can’t be completely available.

She’s old enough to understand that if she doesn’t go to a club you aren’t going to be able to make snacks etc whenever she wants them and that you have to work.

If she can entertain herself for the majority of the day, a few play dates might help, she can stay home. If she can’t then she needs to go to some child care.

If you didn't work from home you'd have no choice so she'd have to go to the clubs.

My kids had to go to clubs because there was no WFH or flex to be had
they didn’t always love it but it was non negotiable
she’s dictating your work life and exhausting you
clubs : childcare is part of a working family’s life

How about a childminder? Less overwhelming than the holiday clubs but still give a good stream of entertainment.

if clubs are a no, then other than play dates with friends, she needs to understand you’re working and has to entertain herself. Having said that, My 8yo cannot do this and therefore goes to clubs. He is particular about which ones he likes so just goes to those now.

Do you take her on an afternoon outings to the park, swimming, shopping, walks, attractions, museums, sport, library etc? If she then plays with friends and spends some time doing her own thing there doesn't seem much time to fill on top of working. I never really thought of being with my dd as childcare, just enjoyed spending time with her. When she is with her friends at home or on playdates does that not count as time for you? Could you make up a plate of snacks together at the start of each day? Conversely, I find the teenage years much harder now she is out with friends or in her room and doesn't need me.
Edit Did you mean 7am to 11pm and you work ft? I read it originally you were working mornings 7 to 11am and dh evenings.

If it’s not a necessity to send her to childcare so that you can work, then it would be unfair to send her if she would be stressed and unhappy. It’s one thing doing it when there’s no other choice and another doing it just because you want some free time.

My kids are too young now for this to be an issue but I was an only child and like your daughter, I really hated most clubs and preferred my own friends and hanging out at home. No autism, but I just found it so hard and awkward making new friends, I found it stressful.

I did go to some clubs with my friends, my parents made me choose one for 2 weeks every year. Non-negotiable. But the rest of the time, I was home and chilling with friends.

I had to entertain myself though, there is no way my parents could give me that much attention. She is old enough to understand that.

@Michele09thanks for your response (and thanks to everyone else too). Essentially I get up at 7 and work until 8/9, then she gets up and I work / look after her off and on all day with DH, he starts work at 4 and I finish. Then do more when she is in bed. We make it work, we adore her and we love spending time with her but we do need some time for ourselves too. We are not exercising or spending any time on our own needs. But I think on reflection maybe our set up is the right one for us as a family and we just need to suck it up during summer holidays.

Can’t you split it? You don’t need both of you available to her. I also think if her friends are at a club then she should give a week a go at least. It won’t kill her and she might find it’s not as bad a she thinks.

You can set her up a snack box that you fill the night before so she doesn't have to ask you to get her things. She is 8 and more than capable of getting food or drinks for herself.

Would she be happy watching a film? That could buy you some time. There are a million ideas on Pinterest which could help keep her entertained but she needs to know you cannot provide it all the time.

She is old enough to understand jobs and you both needing to work. Talk to her about her teacher and how that is their job and they cannot be with their children whilst working, they are with other children.

Can you do exercise with her? Zumba video on you tube? Bike ride? Yoga? She's old enough to join in

This is basically us during the holidays. We run our own business, and our youngest sounds a lot like your daughter in most ways.

We also have older kids at 15 and 13, so while they're around they're quite self sufficient where necessary.

In honesty, because my youngest historically has been the most confident and outgoing of all 3 of them I've always booked him into stuff and assumed he'd go. Then been stressed and bemused when he won't or can't. Then I remember that at his age his siblings were home educated, with no demands or expectations on their time that didn't involve DH or me, and that they would never have gone so we wouldn't have even tried!

That reset my mindset a little. So we too work around each other right now. DH goes to our office 4 days a week and has the youngest on the other day...I do bits and bobs from the home office where I can during the day, and just accept that I won't be doing any of the bigger projects I normally take on while the summer hols are taking place. We started the business to have something that works around us where we can, and although it is much bigger than we had envisaged now, we still make it work where can.

We just go about normal summertime life, the beach, friends, activities etc and I take my phone and iPad so I can do stuff if needed, and can crack on if they're occupied for a bit.

Before anyone comments, the set up and type of business means that DH can do a lot of what I do, whereas there is some of his work that I can't. So it makes sense for him to be the one working out of the home most days.

Think you need to think about what you would do if you couldn’t work from home, if you can’t work whilst she is there, we don’t always get our own way and she needs to learn that.

If your DH starts work at 4 why are you doing childcare during the day? You need to be clearer on boundaries, he is on childcare duty until 4pm and then you take over.

I sent my autistic daughter to holiday clubs that tended to attract other children with similar ASD traits to her own. Sometimes this even meant getting a hotel and working from the hotel room for the week so we could be close to a particular offering. It was ridiculously expensive, but I looked at it as a cost averaged out over the year.

Being surrounded by her actual peers for a change really helped, not just with being happy to attend childcare, but being comfortable with herself. There just aren’t that many children that match her profile so primary school was isolating. It took getting to a very large secondary school to find a real peer group.

My son is 8.5yrs and autistic. It might be worth looking at specialist holiday provisions in your local area. They aren't that easy to find, I'll give you an example of one near us https://caspabromley.org.uk/

These might be more appealing to her she could try 1 day, or half a day and see how she likes it. I don't know that she would like the idea of it but they could be able to give more accommodations and lower demands which means that she might not need one of her safe adults to coregulate. Also this club does weekly clubs as well as holiday camps and so that might be another thing to try during term time and then she would know the staff and locations etc Obviously will vary greatly depending on your area, but fingers crossed they might have something...

*there might be something

What a useless observation. if your computer broke you wouldn't be able to make unhelpful posts on people's threads

We have been using holidays and we have a trusted childminder although that's not going to work for ever.
I don't think you mentioned finances, one of you could explore flexible working where you don't work school holidays, or"unpaid parental leave" which is a legal entitlement.
Also I am not sure if You've contacted your local authority, around here they have all sorts of holiday clubs including free "school" meals and some SEN friendly sessions (although even the non sen sessions seem to have plenty of qualified teachers who basically understand sen as it's their day job, so they can make some adjustments already)
I think last resort for me will be what you mention about leaving them at home and letting them occupy themselves, but laying down some rules to make sure I don't feel stressed out.
It does suck though when there's all sorts available but you can't really use it. Good luck!

This is exactly what the unpaid parental leave is for. Not great but would allow you to take most of the summer off unpaid, I think it's up to 4 weeks a year.

I'd revisit the babysitter angle and explain to them that she's ok to be out with friends for most of the day/having playdates and they just need to keep an eye/ear out and provide food/snacks.

The problem previously may have been that the babysitters feel like they have to earn their money and so were trying to spend time with her all day when what she actually needs is time to do her own stuff and just gentle supervision.

If this is the case and she needs only minimal supervision and snacks surely dad could do this as he starts at 4pm.

This is something you'd have to raise with the OP.

She says they need time to work and time for themselves and so need some childcare. I'm responding to that information.