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Original poster

Summer holidays childcare dilemma

41 replies

inmytveara · 03/08/2025 15:55

I would really like to get some advice on this from experienced parents as I’m struggling to find a solution.

I have one DD, aged 8, she has some traits of autism. She struggles with anxiety but otherwise manages life pretty well.

summer holidays are stressful. We’ve tried every sort of club (she’s very into acting and singing and other creative endeavours) but she’s just deeply stressed and unhappy at being with unknown adults and kids.

We’ve tried babysitters, but again she’s not really gelled with any and doesn’t enjoy the intensity of being with one adult each day.

She’s very social and really enjoys play dates and being with her gang of friends in our housing estate.

This summer she’s been away a couple of times with DH and I and on some days out with us and otherwise has hung out at home playing with her friends and mostly pretty happy.

But DH and I are struggling juggling home and work and we are only halfway through the holidays. I have no time at all for myself and am either doing childcare or working from 7-11 every day. Same for DH (he works evenings).

I don’t want her to be unhappy or stressed but I need some sort of respite. We have no family help.

are there other families in this position? What do you do. Should I just tough it out for a few more years to make her happy? Or insist on some outside child care or support.

OP posts:
Original poster
inmytveara · 03/08/2025 21:46

@NuffSaidSamI think you’ve nailed it exactly. It’s tricky because babysitters want to get stuck in and not sit around but she doesn’t want to be with them, she wants to be with her friends. But then also sometimes the babysitter ends up looking after all the neighbour kids who she hangs out with and that’s not really fair.

Also DH does help out all day, before starting work at 4 and finishing at midnight. It’s a very very long day every day for him and he’s exhausted (as am I).

I’ll do some more research on Sen clubs so thanks for that suggestion.

I know I’m entitled to unpaid leave but that would be tricky at work who are already amazingly flexible and supportive.

it’s difficult! But you’ve all been so helpful and I am grateful

OP posts:
Heyyoupleasekeepgoing · 04/08/2025 06:28

Could you pay for a babysitter in the afternoon specifically to host a playdate with one of her friends? Then she will be hanging out with someone she likes as well as the babysitter, and DH will have a break before he goes and you once you finish (if the babysitter can give her tea etc). Unless she is distressed I think it’s fine as well to say for eg I know it’s not your favourite but Monday & Tuesday you’ll be in clubs, the rest of the time you can be at home. If she had siblings etc she would just have to be more flexible and it can build resilience. The other thing that helps me in the holidays is instead of trying to find time away from them I try to do activities which I also really enjoy and find replenishing when I am with them, rather than stuff they want to do which I don’t - for example we will go for walks, do puzzles together rather than doing painting or soft play.

HuskyNew · 04/08/2025 07:24

inmytveara · 03/08/2025 21:46

@NuffSaidSamI think you’ve nailed it exactly. It’s tricky because babysitters want to get stuck in and not sit around but she doesn’t want to be with them, she wants to be with her friends. But then also sometimes the babysitter ends up looking after all the neighbour kids who she hangs out with and that’s not really fair.

Also DH does help out all day, before starting work at 4 and finishing at midnight. It’s a very very long day every day for him and he’s exhausted (as am I).

I’ll do some more research on Sen clubs so thanks for that suggestion.

I know I’m entitled to unpaid leave but that would be tricky at work who are already amazingly flexible and supportive.

it’s difficult! But you’ve all been so helpful and I am grateful

Does he have to start at 4pm?

Why can’t you work 7am - 3pm? And him 1pm - 7pm ?

Then he looks after DD until lunch time (properly, so you can work). She watches a film after lunch thus leaving you both alone. Then you take over at 3pm when the film finishes. You have family dinner ready for 7pm and you have the evening all together / chil / adults take turns to go out if that’s what you want.

That way you both get a full work day plus everyone is getting downtime. 2 adults to look after one 8 year old is really not that demanding.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

8 year olds Families
Overtheway · 04/08/2025 07:56

inmytveara · 03/08/2025 21:46

@NuffSaidSamI think you’ve nailed it exactly. It’s tricky because babysitters want to get stuck in and not sit around but she doesn’t want to be with them, she wants to be with her friends. But then also sometimes the babysitter ends up looking after all the neighbour kids who she hangs out with and that’s not really fair.

Also DH does help out all day, before starting work at 4 and finishing at midnight. It’s a very very long day every day for him and he’s exhausted (as am I).

I’ll do some more research on Sen clubs so thanks for that suggestion.

I know I’m entitled to unpaid leave but that would be tricky at work who are already amazingly flexible and supportive.

it’s difficult! But you’ve all been so helpful and I am grateful

It's not a case of him 'helping out', he's just parenting like you are. I think that if your DP was solely in charge of your DD for part of the day, that would fix some of your issues. You don't both need to be available all the time.

ReallyWildShow · 04/08/2025 08:25

When do you exercise/ have time to yourself during her normal school day? You could each take turns to have one day off from parenting at the weekend.

Soontobe60 · 04/08/2025 08:29

inmytveara · 03/08/2025 16:03

Her friends do go to clubs but she’s very resistant to go with them. Quite a few kids are just at home with minimal supervision from parents and she’s pretty self sufficient herself but I don’t like to leave her too much to her own devices. Also she wants a constant array of snacks and meals and she wants time with me too - more than I can give. Although maybe it’s a fair compromise that if she stays home she has to accept I can’t be completely available.

This is not a good plan! You can’t leave her to her own devices, she’s far too young.
you and DH need to draw up a timetable do you know who is responsible for your DD each day. The stress is caused by not planning for the holidays in advance.

Soontobe60 · 04/08/2025 08:30

inmytveara · 03/08/2025 16:37

@Michele09thanks for your response (and thanks to everyone else too). Essentially I get up at 7 and work until 8/9, then she gets up and I work / look after her off and on all day with DH, he starts work at 4 and I finish. Then do more when she is in bed. We make it work, we adore her and we love spending time with her but we do need some time for ourselves too. We are not exercising or spending any time on our own needs. But I think on reflection maybe our set up is the right one for us as a family and we just need to suck it up during summer holidays.

Your DDs needs are the priority!

99bottlesofkombucha · 04/08/2025 08:48

Given the sen I don’t know - when my kids say I don’t want to do the holiday club I say tough luck, I have to work and someone has to look after you, so my initial advice is to do more like that. Say you can go to the club or we get a babysitter but I need to do 6 hours of work and someone has to be there with you. So you choose or I will. I’m not sure the extent to which sen makes a difference in how you should respond, it could be just that you haven’t parented firmly enough given you need your job (I presume!)

FirstTimeMum567 · 04/08/2025 16:39

Why does an 8 year old need both her parents? If you're working opposite shifts, you should have nothing to do with her until 4pm when you take over. Work, exercise, take time for yourself.

Spinmerightroundbaby · 04/08/2025 18:14

inmytveara · 03/08/2025 15:55

I would really like to get some advice on this from experienced parents as I’m struggling to find a solution.

I have one DD, aged 8, she has some traits of autism. She struggles with anxiety but otherwise manages life pretty well.

summer holidays are stressful. We’ve tried every sort of club (she’s very into acting and singing and other creative endeavours) but she’s just deeply stressed and unhappy at being with unknown adults and kids.

We’ve tried babysitters, but again she’s not really gelled with any and doesn’t enjoy the intensity of being with one adult each day.

She’s very social and really enjoys play dates and being with her gang of friends in our housing estate.

This summer she’s been away a couple of times with DH and I and on some days out with us and otherwise has hung out at home playing with her friends and mostly pretty happy.

But DH and I are struggling juggling home and work and we are only halfway through the holidays. I have no time at all for myself and am either doing childcare or working from 7-11 every day. Same for DH (he works evenings).

I don’t want her to be unhappy or stressed but I need some sort of respite. We have no family help.

are there other families in this position? What do you do. Should I just tough it out for a few more years to make her happy? Or insist on some outside child care or support.

Can’t you find someone who could take her one day a week or arrange some play dates where she goes to other friend’s homes? This would give you a bit of respite and it won’t be long before she’s fully independent anyway and as long as you are wfh, she can entertain herself for the day.

FunnyOrca · 04/08/2025 20:59

NuffSaidSam · 03/08/2025 21:31

I'd revisit the babysitter angle and explain to them that she's ok to be out with friends for most of the day/having playdates and they just need to keep an eye/ear out and provide food/snacks.

The problem previously may have been that the babysitters feel like they have to earn their money and so were trying to spend time with her all day when what she actually needs is time to do her own stuff and just gentle supervision.

This would also be my suggestion.

With less pressure to keep your daughter occupied, the babysitter can follow her lead more. That may mean giving space, but also the attention you mention she looks to you for at the moment during your working day.

I’m thinking particularly a babysitter with skills in the sort of thing your daughter needs supervision for. For example, if she likes to bake but obviously needs an adult for that then the babysitter can provide this. Or if she likes riding her bike, the babysitter can take her out on long rides.

I hope it works out! Your current situation sounds stressful for you ❤️

Supersares · 05/08/2025 04:55

You mention she’s friendly with her friends that live by you. Would this count as a break for you if she’s having a play date/playing out with them?
we have a dd8 with autistic tendencies also so understand it’s hard to navigate.
DH lets our DD have a bit more screen time during the summer hols ( I’m not a fan myself) as he hybrid works and wfh more-so during the summer to help with childcare.
we have virtually no time to ourselves either and have mostly got used to it. Someone else has suggested a babysitter, a good idea!

pourmeadrinkpls · 05/08/2025 05:24

rubyslippers · 03/08/2025 16:16

My kids had to go to clubs because there was no WFH or flex to be had
they didn’t always love it but it was non negotiable
she’s dictating your work life and exhausting you
clubs : childcare is part of a working family’s life

This is terrible. She's only 8. Surely if she's autistic and not comfortable going to clubs or unknown places, forcing her isn't the answer. Also leaving her on her own most of the day isn't great either. Can't you and DH reduce your hours or as others suggested a babysitter? Could you do some kind of rota with her other friends and parents?

UrbanOasis · 05/08/2025 05:56

FirstTimeMum567 · 04/08/2025 16:39

Why does an 8 year old need both her parents? If you're working opposite shifts, you should have nothing to do with her until 4pm when you take over. Work, exercise, take time for yourself.

Yes I just don't understand this aspect at all.

SquishyGloopyBum · 05/08/2025 06:43

inmytveara · 03/08/2025 16:37

@Michele09thanks for your response (and thanks to everyone else too). Essentially I get up at 7 and work until 8/9, then she gets up and I work / look after her off and on all day with DH, he starts work at 4 and I finish. Then do more when she is in bed. We make it work, we adore her and we love spending time with her but we do need some time for ourselves too. We are not exercising or spending any time on our own needs. But I think on reflection maybe our set up is the right one for us as a family and we just need to suck it up during summer holidays.

I can’t get my head around your timings here.

If your DH is there, why are you so present for her during the day? You could work 7-1 or 7-2 and get 6/7 hours in easily if your H is around. You can then take over after that.

CreteBound · 05/08/2025 10:53

Why can’t your DH look after her alone?

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