When you don't like your child enough to deal with new people, and don't like the new people either

[OhGodImSoTired]

DS is 8, PDA profile autistic, ADHD. He's extremely hard work at home, though good at masking with other people. Most of his PDA equalizing behaviours are bordering on ODD, and all are directed at me. I am committed to being his parent, after all he didn't ask to be born at all, or born this way, but I find it extremely difficult, and I don't enjoy it most of the time. He pushes me to the edge of taking things away/ removing opportunities/ cancelling everything on a daily basis.

We have a next door neighbour who is a psychology professor, of the terribly helpful type who offers unsolicited, cack-handed parenting advice on the few occasions she deigns to talk to me (she has long conversations with my professor husband about university matters, but she's not curious enough to work out that I might've done something in the rest of my life other than be DS's parent).

She has a friend/colleague and the friend's son living with her for an unspecified amount of time. Friend is similar to her, also a psychology professor. Friend's son is 9, autistic, loves Marvel films and violent computer games, has zero interest in meeting us or being polite (rolls his eyes, walks off, comes back to rudely ask his mother how long she's going to stand there talking to people he doesn't want to meet, etc).

Neighbour and friend are constantly sending me messages about setting up regular, several times a week, after school playdates between DS and friend's son. Basically they want free childcare and access to our trampoline, books, boardgames etc. They both keep saying that autistics understand one another so the boys should get on really well. They say it with all the superior authority of being psych professors and therefore knowing more than I do, because clearly I'm not a professor so what would I know. I have a reasonably good idea that the boys wouldn't get on well, share no interests, and that I don't want DS8 being exposed to the other boy's taste for violent computer gaming.

I have put them off on the multiple occasions they've asked outright if it's ok to send the 9yo round to ours, on his own. But it's getting ridiculous. THey're refusing to take the hint.

I don't have the energy to deal with two kids I dislike, one is enough. DS has zero spare brain space given the way he behaves. I am not interested in providing free childcare.

What do I do to get rid of these CFs?

"No thank you. I know my son and I don't want to put him in a situation he could struggle with at the moment. I also don't want to be responsible for another child right now either. I understand your thinking, but it won't work for us. I'll let you know if DS shows any interest in a relationship with your child in the future."

This. Some people are tone-deaf and need blunt, to the point of rudeness, responses.

Be blunt as what you're doing isn't working. Thanks for the offer, but I'll need to decline for the foreseeable, I'll get in touch at some stage again. Take care.
Then put her on mute and ignore.

You are absolutely right to see through these people and you need to phase them out. Just leave longer periods of time between messages and reply in the negative ‘sorry, busy tomorrow’ etc.. Or block them and tell them you felt harassed if they ask in person.

They may be academics but they don’t sound too clever. Stick to what you’re doing because you know what’s best for you and your son.

Just be blunt. "The children are not friends, they are not interested in a play date, it's pointless asking for one." I had this with a class mate of my eldest daughter, his granny looked after him in the evenings and frankly, didn't have the energy. She was very honest that she wanted me to take him home to give her a break but he was a horrible child and DD loathed him. She didn't care about any of that, just wanted him out of her hair. I had to be VERY blunt and she STILL pushed it and got quite nasty when I continued to say no. Some people will steam roll right over you to get what they want, especially, it seems, childcare!

You need some support. You’re clearly very low and it isn’t good for any of you, do you have a social worker? Are there any children’s centres near you? It is SO hard and I can’t imagine how much of a toll it takes. But you need a break.

“No thanks, DS doesn’t fancy it.”

I agree with you that some of the background is relevant, but on this occasion it’s to your advantage to lean into their view of you.

Pretty much just this, OP. Express they don’t have the same interests and your son doesn’t want to. End of. Repeat if you need to. Grey rock style.

Hi. My younger daughter has PDA. She is an adult now and lives with her boyfriend (whew!). Anyway, she has never been good with other autistic kids. She went to LA asd clubs, went to a dedicated asd school.....friendships were always short lived. Even now she doesnt really have friends - she has colleagues and her boyfriend's friends and us. And her job. So she is kept occupied.

I reckon you know your son. Just tell them no, it's inappropriate and stick to your guns.

YABU to say you dislike your son. Poor boy. You aren't being unreasonable about the rest.

What specifically have they done or said that makes you think they look down on you? Are you presuming this because of their careers?

Would you accept a playdate if it was supervised? If so you could say “I can accept testing this on the condition that the mum comes as well to supervise her child.” Or if you are adamant you don’t want to trial it then say “this doesn’t work for us so my answer will remain no so please stop asking”.

And I know this may not go down well given how you feel being surrounded by psychologists but are you in therapy or considered it to help get through your feelings towards your son and stresses you are going through? Does your son have support as well?

This. Forget trying to explain any reasons why not to them, a clear "No, not happening" is called for. Don't feel guilty at all. They are CFs.

I was hoping someone else would say this.

You sounded miserable and like you are struggling, and who could blame you? Your circumstances sounds shit.

Could you reach out for some professional support? And are there family members who could support? Your husband?

I am not judging you for your feelings (or lack thereof) for your son, but I think on like this feeling as you do for the next 8/10 years at least will be unbearable.

Please reach out OP. See if somebody in real life can help.

(The playdate thing is a non-issue - just say you can't host the boy and that's that. If they want to host your son, you can think about it, see if he wants to go....)