When you don't like your child enough to deal with new people, and don't like the new people either

[OhGodImSoTired]

DS is 8, PDA profile autistic, ADHD. He's extremely hard work at home, though good at masking with other people. Most of his PDA equalizing behaviours are bordering on ODD, and all are directed at me. I am committed to being his parent, after all he didn't ask to be born at all, or born this way, but I find it extremely difficult, and I don't enjoy it most of the time. He pushes me to the edge of taking things away/ removing opportunities/ cancelling everything on a daily basis.

We have a next door neighbour who is a psychology professor, of the terribly helpful type who offers unsolicited, cack-handed parenting advice on the few occasions she deigns to talk to me (she has long conversations with my professor husband about university matters, but she's not curious enough to work out that I might've done something in the rest of my life other than be DS's parent).

She has a friend/colleague and the friend's son living with her for an unspecified amount of time. Friend is similar to her, also a psychology professor. Friend's son is 9, autistic, loves Marvel films and violent computer games, has zero interest in meeting us or being polite (rolls his eyes, walks off, comes back to rudely ask his mother how long she's going to stand there talking to people he doesn't want to meet, etc).

Neighbour and friend are constantly sending me messages about setting up regular, several times a week, after school playdates between DS and friend's son. Basically they want free childcare and access to our trampoline, books, boardgames etc. They both keep saying that autistics understand one another so the boys should get on really well. They say it with all the superior authority of being psych professors and therefore knowing more than I do, because clearly I'm not a professor so what would I know. I have a reasonably good idea that the boys wouldn't get on well, share no interests, and that I don't want DS8 being exposed to the other boy's taste for violent computer gaming.

I have put them off on the multiple occasions they've asked outright if it's ok to send the 9yo round to ours, on his own. But it's getting ridiculous. THey're refusing to take the hint.

I don't have the energy to deal with two kids I dislike, one is enough. DS has zero spare brain space given the way he behaves. I am not interested in providing free childcare.

What do I do to get rid of these CFs?

Better still, say, ' Sure, when should I drop him round to yours?' Then tell them you can't cope with more than one autistic child in your home so can't return the invitation right now but if the boys get on, they are welcome to invite your son over again. They will soon stop suggesting.

Surely the solution is to be very very keen on the idea of a play date - at their house. Make it clear that you are a cheeky fucker who would be quite happy to dump your kid on them and never return the favour.

If they're suggesting the play date then surely it takes place at theirs, not yours?

I had a similar situation with a woman I really liked and was becoming friends with but very soon realised her son wound up my (ASD) son up within moments. I had to tell her straight that my kid(s) just couldn't cope with her kid and I was barely managing with my own kids, so really sorry but we were not going to be doing any play dates. It ended the friendship. In some ways this would have been harder if my kids were not ND: it allowed the emphasis to remain on what my kids could or couldn't cope with vs the fact that her son was a terror on wheels.

Be blunt, is my advice. Academics are often totally self centred, so have CF tendencies built-in ime.

My other experience with psychologists is that some end up in that area because they do not understand people at all and have to study them in order to do so !

PDA/ASD is very hard. Do what you need to do @OhGodImSoTired and have no guilt. They are not concerned with your feelings so why care what they think?

They sounds like cheeky fuckers. I agree with others just say no that doesn't work for you.

Picking up on another point in your thread, it sounds like really hard work caring for your son Are you getting any respite support? You will probably need to fight for it it but you need it, being a carer takes a huge toll on a parent.

You have to be very clear with autistic people, especially when there's 2 of them who have convinced themselves that they're right (and that they know more then you as you're not the professional). No, ds does not want to play with your son.

I can't understand why you're feeling guilty when she's clearly not interested in you? You're allowed to not be interested in her.

Be blunt! Laugh and say "he'd hate that you know what kids with PDA are like"

Be really pointed that if they're psychologist they should understand that this isn't going to work. Do NOT send him over there as he'll only mask and come home and you get the brunt of it.

Next time she gives "helpful" advice be really dismissive, but polite. "oh I know that would be so great if he wasn't PDA and just autistic and that would work, wouldn't it?"

Is your son allowed to play out? You can also say that if it happens organically that's fine, and then your son can keep wandering off from their kid and you haven't got to say anything at all.

I think you have some issues OP.

You seem to have real issues with the parents and this is more about them than the kids.

You seem to be upset that they look down their nose at you but you are doing exactly the same to them and their child.

Take the parents out of the equation completely and focus on what your DS wants.

Some kids like your DS really benefit from friends but some do not.

For my child’s benefit, I would try it and see.

I would meet in a neutral setting (or at one of your homes) with both parents staying. So it’s not babysitting, it’s a play date.

If your DS gets nothing out of it, then I wouldn’t do it again.

Perhaps find out what computer games the other boy plays and find a non violent one like Minecraft or fortnight and they can play together online but not in person, so they have the friendship without the in-person issues.

I have issues with people being cheeky f*ers, yes, particularly when they are patronizing and rude in conversation to me, see me as free childcare that they don't even have to be polite to, don't take my repeated "no" for an answer; and yet are perfectly willing to be charming and polite to my husband.

My point about academics not knowing how to hold conversations above was intended to point out that I have struggled with this in the past (indeed while I was an academic) but I was capable of recognizing that the issue lay with me, and have taken steps to improve. In the 5 years I've known our neighbour she doesn't appear to have reached that conclusion about herself.

I also do take issue with allowing an autistic, socially-isolated 9 year old to spend hours a week playing violent computer games on the internet with minimal supervision. So yes, if that's looking down my nose at them, OK. That's the main reason I'm unwilling to take on the burden of babysitting their kid.

Thankyou - I think bluntness is called for here!

Yes, son is allowed to play out, but other kid doesn't, so that's unlikely to happen organically. Still, suggesting it as a potential pathway may be helpful to both kids - other kid might quite like climbing trees/ pottering in the garden with DS if he got used to it not involving a screen.

I'd just say "Sorry, it's tough enough for me right now dealing with one autistic child without looking after another!" Make it plain that you know they are trying to take advantage of you. If they invite your son round- very unlikely- say "Sorry, his PDA means he'll mask and then be a nightmare afterwards. I'm sure you understand" - that should make them think.

I taught in a college and it wasn't that only strange people chose either counselling night classes or A level Psychology, but the strange people always chose those subjects.

I take your point and don’t feel guilty OP!

Can you explain that PDA is an atypical presentation of autism and one day may not even be categorised under the ASD umbrella. Explain that it’s a nervous system disability, that your son is sent into a panic state by new situations and transitions and that he requires low to no demand parenting and environment at home as it’s his safe space, away from the demands of the rest of the world that can cause him so much trauma. Just explain you’d love it if it were possible, and you’re sure the boy is lovely, but you have to advocate for your child.

Why don’t you just be honest but politely? Say that you appreciate what they’re trying to do but you’re so tired at the end of the day and just don’t have time/energy for play dates right now and that you will let them know if it changes.

This. What they do fora living and whether you like them or not are completely irrelevant.

They are very cheeky. I’d agree with being straightforward and blunt. You know your son and you’ve met this child. Nothing about him suggests that he’d suddenly be pleasant for your son to hang out while with climbing trees.

‘Oh what a shame, we can’t do that’ is my usual formulation. ‘No, not this year’ is another good one if a really plain ‘No’ feels too tough to say.

Does your son have other friends round to play or does he just play out? If he doesn't have others round you could say that home is his safe space and he struggles with having people that aren't family there.

Hi. I’ve read your post and as I’m in a similar position to yourself wanted to give my opinion.

I have a DC 8 who is also on the autism/ADHD spectrum with ODD and PDA. Patenting children like this is incredibly hard at times and I completely understand how you feel towards them. Our DC tests me on a daily basis and I dread school parents evenings as some teachers find DC a challenge also.
I also dearly love me DC and want to help them grow into a happy adult, which I’m sure you do to.
In regards to your neighbours friends child I’d be questioning their views on young children playing video games. Make it clear your DS doesn’t play on these. Does you son have any strong friendships?
What does your son think about this other boy?
Would your DS benefit from socialising with another DC?
Your neighbour may be thinking both DC’s could benefit?
In terms of you suspecting your neighbour wants to use you as a babysitting service, I’d say have trial play date for 2 hours max and monitor it how it goes. If it’s awful then don’t do it again.

Your son probably picks up on your dislike of him.
My daughter also has ODD, more so towards her father who iam no longer with. She is now 19 and knows full well how much he dislikes her and wishes she wasn’t born autistic.

Firstly dealing with one autistic child is more than enough for anyone. Why the fuck do
they think you want you be dealing with two!

Secondly, they may be psychology professors but the know fuck all about autism. Autistic children are not all alike. My son had to be separated from a boy in his class because they wound each other up so much. He absolutely LOATHES him and there’s been threats of violence on both sides. Ffs I have 2 sons with autism and they barely get along. They could not be more different!

Tell them NO. Tell them you are challenged enough with your own son and supervising two is more than you want to deal with.

Ive noted that they’ve asked to send their son to you rather than inviting your son to
thwm. Next time I’d be tempted to tell
them you have a migraine but it’s an excellent idea for them to get together, you’ll send your son there!

dear @OhGodImSoTired , you are right in your surmise, and so is your son. Stick to your guns. Practise "Saying No" in every way you can muster and rehearse. You'll get better with practice. The answer is "No".

"Thanks but we don't do playdates. son's name doesn't enjoy them" rinse and repeat. They will eventually get bored surely.

@OhGodImSoTired you should have not a moment of guilt about putting this pair of CFs in their place with a simple No (No thank you if you want to be polite!).
They must be pretty crap at their jobs if they seriously believe that pairing the boys up because they're autistic so 'will understand each other' . The boys clearly have very different presentations of autism that are not complementary in any way.
Don't waste your precious energy on explanations. You're clearly doing a much better job of parenting than they are, just let them get on with it.

Also - they sound just desperate to offload their ds on you. A pass agg tactic would be to say "Sorry can't have guests in the house right now because of <<random but unscary domestic disaster>> but you're welcome to invite ds over there if you're keen to get the boys together "