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Original poster

When you don't like your child enough to deal with new people, and don't like the new people either

63 replies

OhGodImSoTired · 03/08/2025 01:30

DS is 8, PDA profile autistic, ADHD. He's extremely hard work at home, though good at masking with other people. Most of his PDA equalizing behaviours are bordering on ODD, and all are directed at me. I am committed to being his parent, after all he didn't ask to be born at all, or born this way, but I find it extremely difficult, and I don't enjoy it most of the time. He pushes me to the edge of taking things away/ removing opportunities/ cancelling everything on a daily basis.

We have a next door neighbour who is a psychology professor, of the terribly helpful type who offers unsolicited, cack-handed parenting advice on the few occasions she deigns to talk to me (she has long conversations with my professor husband about university matters, but she's not curious enough to work out that I might've done something in the rest of my life other than be DS's parent).

She has a friend/colleague and the friend's son living with her for an unspecified amount of time. Friend is similar to her, also a psychology professor. Friend's son is 9, autistic, loves Marvel films and violent computer games, has zero interest in meeting us or being polite (rolls his eyes, walks off, comes back to rudely ask his mother how long she's going to stand there talking to people he doesn't want to meet, etc).

Neighbour and friend are constantly sending me messages about setting up regular, several times a week, after school playdates between DS and friend's son. Basically they want free childcare and access to our trampoline, books, boardgames etc. They both keep saying that autistics understand one another so the boys should get on really well. They say it with all the superior authority of being psych professors and therefore knowing more than I do, because clearly I'm not a professor so what would I know. I have a reasonably good idea that the boys wouldn't get on well, share no interests, and that I don't want DS8 being exposed to the other boy's taste for violent computer gaming.

I have put them off on the multiple occasions they've asked outright if it's ok to send the 9yo round to ours, on his own. But it's getting ridiculous. THey're refusing to take the hint.

I don't have the energy to deal with two kids I dislike, one is enough. DS has zero spare brain space given the way he behaves. I am not interested in providing free childcare.

What do I do to get rid of these CFs?

OP posts:
HeyWiggle · 03/08/2025 01:38

Do the boys want a play date?

multisurf · 03/08/2025 01:48

It might be worth a try. Let the other boy come round and see how it goes. If it’s awful you can just say “sorry, the boys didn’t seem to enjoy it much, don’t think it works for them” and let the professors stew on it 😀

Original poster
OhGodImSoTired · 03/08/2025 01:59

HeyWiggle · 03/08/2025 01:38

Do the boys want a play date?

Emphatically, no. DS is hurt by the other boy's rudeness and has enough social sense to know that if someone clearly doesn't like you then you stay away from them; and the other boy has made his feelings clear with eyerolls and walkings off and snarky comments every time the mother has come to our door with him, or when we've met in the street.

OP posts:

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

8 year olds 9 year olds Families
YeOldy · 03/08/2025 02:01

You are massively overthinking this. Simply respond ‘sorry but Son isn’t up,for any play dates as he has too much on with school and extracurricular”. Keep sending it

YeOldy · 03/08/2025 02:01

You are massively overthinking this. Simply respond ‘sorry but Son isn’t up,for any play dates as he has too much on with school and extracurricular”. Keep sending it

YeOldy · 03/08/2025 02:01

You are massively overthinking this. Simply respond ‘sorry but Son isn’t up,for any play dates as he has too much on with school and extracurricular”. Keep sending it

YeOldy · 03/08/2025 02:01

You are massively overthinking this. Simply respond ‘sorry but Son isn’t up,for any play dates as he has too much on with school and extracurricular”. Keep sending it

Original poster
OhGodImSoTired · 03/08/2025 02:02

multisurf · 03/08/2025 01:48

It might be worth a try. Let the other boy come round and see how it goes. If it’s awful you can just say “sorry, the boys didn’t seem to enjoy it much, don’t think it works for them” and let the professors stew on it 😀

Generally I agree with that view, which is why I'm posting on here and feeling guilty; but day to day I don't have the mental energy to be the one making it work. The other boy would clearly need 1:1 from an adult at all times to be able to interact, and clearly has zero desire to come to our house. Given that he's probably on a computer blowing stuff up and shooting people the entire time when he's at home, and is clearly inclined to be sarky, I can see why the mother and neighbour would rather he was being babysat at our house with no computer access, no TV, etc.; however, I'm not a babysitter.

OP posts:
gillefc82 · 03/08/2025 02:12

“That doesn’t work for me/us.” Then rinse and repeat each time until they get the message.

No “sorry” either - why should you apologise for saying no when neither you, your son nor it seems the other young boy, have any desire to be involved in this play date?

Also, make sure your DH knows the script. Last thing you want is him agreeing to something behind your back during one of his ‘intellectual discussions’ over the garden fence with your neighbour!

jen337 · 03/08/2025 02:24

MN cliche time: ‘No is a complete sentence’. They sound up themselves. Be blunt, no need for politeness or pussyfooting with these arrogant profs, it won’t get through to them. Stand up to them assertively or you’ll get steamrolled into an arrangement you don’t want.

Original poster
OhGodImSoTired · 03/08/2025 02:56

I should clarify that I don't think all female academics are like this... but it is still enough of a male-dominated field that you do get some who instantly look down on any woman they perceive as "uninteresting" because of having no career.

I remember when I was a (junior) academic that I struggled to talk to the older generation of professorial wives because i didn't really know how to ask them about themselves. THankfully their social skills were far better than mine so they usually saved the dinner conversation and we got on OK once they were driving the conversation.

What bugs me here is that not only are these two senior academics massively uncurious, and unempathetic, they're also parents and haven't a clue, and they're psychologists and seem to have even less clue about how to relate to people than the general population.

OP posts:
RawBloomers · 03/08/2025 03:19

I think you can be fairly blunt with them. It isn't going to change the way they treat or think about you. Just something like "We're not going to be able to host [other boy], now or in the future."

And if they ask why say that the other boy's attitude has already got DS's back up and you know him well enough to know that isn't going to change now or that you are not willing to expose DS to other boy's interest in violent media. You could also tell them you're just not interested in looking after two autistic boys on your own, especially one you don't know.

The first is the least critical of the other parent. The 2nd is a bit judgy about the other parents' parenting. The 3rd isn't directly critical but it's easy to read into it that you think they're cheeky fuckers. It's up to you which you go for (or something different), but I can't see anything you say improving the way they treat you so I think tiptoeing around it is pointless.

Any attempt to talk you round needs something along the lines of No/I disagree/That doesn't work for me.

Strangerthanfictions · 03/08/2025 03:28

OhGodImSoTired · 03/08/2025 02:56

I should clarify that I don't think all female academics are like this... but it is still enough of a male-dominated field that you do get some who instantly look down on any woman they perceive as "uninteresting" because of having no career.

I remember when I was a (junior) academic that I struggled to talk to the older generation of professorial wives because i didn't really know how to ask them about themselves. THankfully their social skills were far better than mine so they usually saved the dinner conversation and we got on OK once they were driving the conversation.

What bugs me here is that not only are these two senior academics massively uncurious, and unempathetic, they're also parents and haven't a clue, and they're psychologists and seem to have even less clue about how to relate to people than the general population.

I would just say yes playdate sounds good what time will I send my soon round, and just to let you know if prefer he doesn't play any computer games if that's ok

Pallisers · 03/08/2025 03:35

Well send a very strong message the next time

"no - sorry no interest in a playdate now or in the future. Hope all is well"

Then if it comes up again tell your professor husband who seems acceptable to to sort out the situation and get her to back off.

Samscaff · 03/08/2025 03:36

OhGodImSoTired · 03/08/2025 02:02

Generally I agree with that view, which is why I'm posting on here and feeling guilty; but day to day I don't have the mental energy to be the one making it work. The other boy would clearly need 1:1 from an adult at all times to be able to interact, and clearly has zero desire to come to our house. Given that he's probably on a computer blowing stuff up and shooting people the entire time when he's at home, and is clearly inclined to be sarky, I can see why the mother and neighbour would rather he was being babysat at our house with no computer access, no TV, etc.; however, I'm not a babysitter.

Show quote history

Could you do it just once, for an hour say, to "see how it goes". Then you’ll have a ready-made answer in future that they can’t argue with - "Sorry, it didn’t work for us, they didn’t get on and it caused a lot of problems I had to be on hand constantly to solve, so I’m afraid we can’t do that again."

Goldbar · 03/08/2025 04:31

"Sorry, I've got my hands full so we can't host at our house atm. Maybe DC could come round to yours."

yoursecretcrush · 03/08/2025 05:03

Send your pda there for an hour, they’ll soon send him back (I have a pda son).

Glitchymn1 · 03/08/2025 05:06

Tell them your son doesn’t want to.

Tillybobbins · 03/08/2025 05:14

If they appear at your door or try to arrange a play date, say you’re sorry but you were just about to go out, then do not go out. It conveys the message that you are experienced in shaking off such attempts, confident enough to be duplicitous and have unshakeable boundaries. A neighbour of mine employed this effective technique with others and never had a problem.

clotheslinefiasco · 03/08/2025 05:23

RawBloomers · 03/08/2025 03:19

I think you can be fairly blunt with them. It isn't going to change the way they treat or think about you. Just something like "We're not going to be able to host [other boy], now or in the future."

And if they ask why say that the other boy's attitude has already got DS's back up and you know him well enough to know that isn't going to change now or that you are not willing to expose DS to other boy's interest in violent media. You could also tell them you're just not interested in looking after two autistic boys on your own, especially one you don't know.

The first is the least critical of the other parent. The 2nd is a bit judgy about the other parents' parenting. The 3rd isn't directly critical but it's easy to read into it that you think they're cheeky fuckers. It's up to you which you go for (or something different), but I can't see anything you say improving the way they treat you so I think tiptoeing around it is pointless.

Any attempt to talk you round needs something along the lines of No/I disagree/That doesn't work for me.

Edited

This definitely.

I love the phrase - that is not going to work for me - I may have to use it soon. Your neighbours are cheeky bastards.

Original poster
OhGodImSoTired · 03/08/2025 07:09

YeOldy · 03/08/2025 02:01

You are massively overthinking this. Simply respond ‘sorry but Son isn’t up,for any play dates as he has too much on with school and extracurricular”. Keep sending it

I was just feeling guilty!

OP posts:
Original poster
OhGodImSoTired · 03/08/2025 07:10

gillefc82 · 03/08/2025 02:12

“That doesn’t work for me/us.” Then rinse and repeat each time until they get the message.

No “sorry” either - why should you apologise for saying no when neither you, your son nor it seems the other young boy, have any desire to be involved in this play date?

Also, make sure your DH knows the script. Last thing you want is him agreeing to something behind your back during one of his ‘intellectual discussions’ over the garden fence with your neighbour!

good call re DH. And no "sorry"!

OP posts:
Original poster
OhGodImSoTired · 03/08/2025 07:11

RawBloomers · 03/08/2025 03:19

I think you can be fairly blunt with them. It isn't going to change the way they treat or think about you. Just something like "We're not going to be able to host [other boy], now or in the future."

And if they ask why say that the other boy's attitude has already got DS's back up and you know him well enough to know that isn't going to change now or that you are not willing to expose DS to other boy's interest in violent media. You could also tell them you're just not interested in looking after two autistic boys on your own, especially one you don't know.

The first is the least critical of the other parent. The 2nd is a bit judgy about the other parents' parenting. The 3rd isn't directly critical but it's easy to read into it that you think they're cheeky fuckers. It's up to you which you go for (or something different), but I can't see anything you say improving the way they treat you so I think tiptoeing around it is pointless.

Any attempt to talk you round needs something along the lines of No/I disagree/That doesn't work for me.

Edited

Thankyou - that's a good set of strategies

OP posts:
Original poster
OhGodImSoTired · 03/08/2025 07:13

yoursecretcrush · 03/08/2025 05:03

Send your pda there for an hour, they’ll soon send him back (I have a pda son).

Snurk. You get it.

OP posts:
dammit88 · 03/08/2025 07:16

Don't feel guilty. You life sounds very tough, you don't have to make it harder to try and appease someone else. And it doesn't sound like it would be a great thing for your son anyway, You have nothing to feel guilty for.